Your “Shall I Compare These Games To A Summer’s Day?” Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

Naw, I don’t think so-it’s already been done by Shakey The Sphere and that was some time ago. Let’s compare each of these games (many of which are…hold onto your barnacles…completely irrelevant!) to say, an offering at a buffet-style restaurant or a meal/snack I enjoyed as a child.

What’s that? Did you just mutter, “I came to this site to read about all the win/lose scenarios and how dizzying it all is and also cogent analysis of the games and the why’s and wherefore’s and suchlike”. Buddy, (or skirt-whatever-you do you) did you come to the wrong end of the net. Scoot back to one of the mainstream sites where former players and mathematicians reside. You’ll feel safer there.

TO THE BUFFET! Damn, let’s try that again.

TO THE GAMES!

Fins/Bills:

Hey look-it’s the mashed potatoes! There’s not a single lump, so creamy. IT’S BECAUSE THEY WERE POURED OUT OF A TIN. They’re fake just like everything’s fake. [puts small amount of mashed taters on plate]

Lions/Packers:

This sides table seems to go on forever. Hey, beans! Good old beans. They keep you as regular as Detroit acquiescing to the Packers’ will year after year. (I’ve no idea what their history is, it just feels right to type it).

Jets/Pats:

Everybody loves the carving station! Look at that monstrous hip of beef from that 30+ month steer. Impressive. And that dude with the face tattoo in the chef’s hat? Probably the only place he could wield a knife that size without children crying at the sight.

Panthers/Saints:

Whoa! Check out the breasts on [clears throat] the steam table. Looks as though they’re slathered with some sort of high-fructose honey-garlic solution. Yummers!

Cowboys/Giants:

Okay, I’m not going to lie-this plate is getting a bit heavy. Hmm, something light is what I need. I believe I’ll take a single deviled egg. Ah, what the hell, I’ll grab two. [immediately makes plans to ‘Dutch Oven’ the wife later on]

Falcons/Bucs:

Soooo, what’s missing? Sides? Check. Protein? Check. Ah! Something to drink-a carbonated beverage is just the thing to wash this down. After all, this wait staff has to do something and I haven’t seen Braden in a while. Or was it Jaden? Aiden? Pretty sure it ended with an ‘n’.

Jags/Texans:

I couldn’t be more stuffed! But I didn’t pay $29.99 to walk out of here without some sort of dessert lodged in my lower intestine. Perhaps you can figure this out for me. I hate date squares but I always grab one because I feel sorry for them. There’s always plenty of them because I think most folks feel the way I do and just walk on by. Not me, I’ll put one on my plate so that it has company with things that actually taste good. And no, I’m not going to eat it. That stuff is vile.

Enjoy the offerings before you.

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Fronkenshteen

Kiko Alonso is entering the Vontaze Burfict level of cocksucker-ness.

Senor Weaselo

Didn’t Rodgers talk about going and competing in this last game? Then why does it say Kizer Soze’s playing?

bk109

Because for all its faults, Mike McCarthy wasn’t GB’s biggest issue?

Col. Duke LaCross

Concussed.

bk109

Riddle me this, why in god’s name didn’t the lolJets try a QB sneak with a big guy like Darnold?! It’s not that I don’t appreciate Bowles’ final play calls for the Jets for the gifts they are to us, but still…

Senor Weaselo

Because the Jets.

bk109

But that’s too Jetsy, even for the Jets! Hell, that call is so dubious, even Hue Jackson would be questioning it! 😀

Senor Weaselo

It’s like the poisoned wine conundrum. Alternately it’s Occam’s Razor.

Dunstan

That’s not the wave in Green Bay. That’s the Cheesehead Aerobic Workout. They’ve been putting it off all season.

Horatio Cornblower

A Billy Joe Dupree reference in this Year of Our Lord 2018; I’d have thought I had a better chance to hit the Mega Millions jackpot.

Dunstan

Will Jameis Winston be Tampa’s starting QB next year? He’s not taking no for an answer!

bk109

Evening pervosaurs! How’re ya all on this fine week 17 sunday?

Spur

Jarwin’s on fire!

Sharkbait

Giants and not covering TEs. Name a more iconic duo.

Col. Duke LaCross

Jets gonna Jet.

rockingdog

bahahaha
Pats wrapping up that first round bye.
Nice!

Gratliff

Darnold with an amusing derp

Horatio Cornblower

This is a really good read. Because this is not a particularly good game.

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/cable-tech-dick-cheney-sex-dungeon_us_5c0ea571e4b06484c9fd4c21

rockingdog

thats a good article.
Cool!

Spur

PLEASE Giants draft Murray. PLEASE

King Hippo

I was about to say, you would have to be going Full Darnold to make a pick like that.

Gratliff

Chawx are 1000% going to Jerrahworld and skullfucking Dak next week

The Maestro

This would be hilarious. If only it were possible for both teams to lose, though.

Spur

Double J is going to decorate the stadium in masonic symbols. Seahawks never take the field.

Gratliff

He’s just gonna park a 767 with the windows painted black outside.

Dunstan

Has anyone asked Pete Carroll if he believes in QAnon also, or is that one step too crazy for him? I always love it when crazy fights crazy.

Horatio Cornblower

The Cowboys are going to the Super Bowl.

I mean, I assume every team gets tickets, and some of them will probably go to Atlanta to watch.

Unsurprised

Ohhh. The Paul Lynde Halloween Special is on Amazon Prime Video.

Fronkenshteen

THAT’S why Buddy’s not here.

The Maestro

Afternoon, folks. Just finished packing for a couple of days away for NYE with Lady Maestro and my old college roommates. You’re preparing properly when you have four times as much booze to food packed, right??

Dunstan

Assuming that’s hard liquor, yes. If wine or beer, then the ratio should be much higher.

Spur

Vander Esch got up gimpy. SIT EVERYONE!

Senor Weaselo

Then he truly is the heir to Sean Lee!

King Hippo

TannyFanny, convert him back to WR!

Horatio Cornblower

That’s a pretty good catch.

Unsurprised

I need to figure out a gift to give my garage neighbor since they gave me a Christmas card and a gift card.

King Hippo

Bottle of wine and dick pic

Fronkenshteen

Wow. Haven’t seen GB quit in years.

King Hippo

And you thought they’d only roll over for Bears!!

#SpurBait

Spur

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If the football is terrible, this is an excellent slice of life read:

https://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/cable-tech-dick-cheney-sex-dungeon_us_5c0ea571e4b06484c9fd4c21

Spur

The redbox bowl isn’t monthly?

Horatio Cornblower

Every 28 days.

Horatio Cornblower

Clearly Dak(!) has been held back by Ezekiel Elliott and a 1st-string O-line. That’s the only explanation.

Spur

Jarwin and Dak are starting to figure this out.

Horatio Cornblower

/Turns on the Cowboys game, settles in to watch them wreck the Giants
//Sees the Cowboys are handing the ball off to somebody named ‘Jackson’

Ah, well, nevertheless.

Sharkbait

BLEERGH with a strong showing in the meadowlands today

Unsurprised

The Meadowlands is BLEERGH’s home shrine.

Spur

Matt Patricia should get a 2nd year.

King Hippo

also maybe someone should wash him with a rag on a stick?

Spur

He’s cultivating a musk that keeps Detroiters at bay.

Fronkenshteen

Did you ever want houseguests to leave so badly your fucking teeth hurt?
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Unsurprised

Apropos of nothing, but I can be hired as a professional alibi.

Unsurprised

Quite shiny. Black on red.

Spur

Eli wants to know if they have a FAO Schwarz in Jacksonville

Horatio Cornblower

Why bother? A sinkhole will swallow it up within a week.

Mr. Ayo

Brady sucks. And of course he gets a bail out call.

Dunstan

Scott Hansen just said that “Brady went down like Maggie Simpson.”

Wow, I’ve really missed out on a lot over the last few seasons of the Simpsons.

King Hippo

hey, that mouth ain’t for talkin!

Spur

Did I just witness a Christmas miracle?

Sharkbait

Insurmountable lead in Jersey

King Hippo

Fat Kicker (MI)…passing touched down??

Gratliff

TRICKERATION

King Hippo

wait, they are resting the OL, but STILL playing DAK!?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’ll learn him

Unsurprised

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litre_cola

This is delicious.

Spur

The beatings will continue until you improve

King Hippo

the Packers are just ass, huh?

Spur

soooo many jokes to make here………..

Spur

Wow, i did not realize Tavon Austin took enough Midol to be active today. Way to go Tavon.

litre_cola

I think the Atlanta Falcons have cost me thr most money this season. Both in FF and to GAMBLOR! I blame Arthur Blank.

Unsurprised

Stupid sexy birds.
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Gratliff

I’ll take Eli’s hilarious derp over Dak’s stale badness any day

Spur

Getting Bridgewater to backup Dak next year would be a stellar idea.

Fronkenshteen

“Boy, you drive over ONE cop…”

K. Lauleta

Gratliff

– R. Moss

Unsurprised

I don’t have a rough life, but I could still go for a spa day. I also just got new business cards and I love them. It’ll be nice to hand out when I’m practicing next year.
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Fronkenshteen

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Unsurprised

Eventually I’m going to go full Patrick Bateman and get a dope-ass set just to give to other lawyers: linen, embossing, maybe foil or a hologram or both, watermark, and a personalized logo. Luckily I know a guy for that last one :).

This guy I talked to the other day has three: one with practice areas and just an email/web and the number to his service, one in Spanish with an email/web and number for a Spanish-speaking service, and one with full contact info mostly for other lawyers. I like the trick of having a card with limited to no info and then carrying a pen to write down a number on the card while telling the person you give it to, “Here’s my personal cell number. Use that.”

Unsurprised
Fronkenshteen

I think Buffalo might be good next year.
That’s dumb, right?

hippofant

#neverbelieve

Spur

and why is Barkley playing?

hippofant

Needs more grit.

Unsurprised

Charles Barkley would be more productive out there.

Unsurprised

Holy shit. I thought you meant Matt, not Saquon. This is what I get for not following football.

Fronkenshteen

The team photo in the end zone thing is unimaginative and not fun or funny in any way. I look forward to seeing it occur 2,000 more times in the next 5 years.