Your “Shall I Compare These Games To A Summer’s Day?” Sunday NFL Football Open Thread

Naw, I don’t think so-it’s already been done by Shakey The Sphere and that was some time ago. Let’s compare each of these games (many of which are…hold onto your barnacles…completely irrelevant!) to say, an offering at a buffet-style restaurant or a meal/snack I enjoyed as a child.

What’s that? Did you just mutter, “I came to this site to read about all the win/lose scenarios and how dizzying it all is and also cogent analysis of the games and the why’s and wherefore’s and suchlike”. Buddy, (or skirt-whatever-you do you) did you come to the wrong end of the net. Scoot back to one of the mainstream sites where former players and mathematicians reside. You’ll feel safer there.

TO THE BUFFET! Damn, let’s try that again.

TO THE GAMES!

Fins/Bills:

Hey look-it’s the mashed potatoes! There’s not a single lump, so creamy. IT’S BECAUSE THEY WERE POURED OUT OF A TIN. They’re fake just like everything’s fake. [puts small amount of mashed taters on plate]

Lions/Packers:

This sides table seems to go on forever. Hey, beans! Good old beans. They keep you as regular as Detroit acquiescing to the Packers’ will year after year. (I’ve no idea what their history is, it just feels right to type it).

Jets/Pats:

Everybody loves the carving station! Look at that monstrous hip of beef from that 30+ month steer. Impressive. And that dude with the face tattoo in the chef’s hat? Probably the only place he could wield a knife that size without children crying at the sight.

Panthers/Saints:

Whoa! Check out the breasts on [clears throat] the steam table. Looks as though they’re slathered with some sort of high-fructose honey-garlic solution. Yummers!

Cowboys/Giants:

Okay, I’m not going to lie-this plate is getting a bit heavy. Hmm, something light is what I need. I believe I’ll take a single deviled egg. Ah, what the hell, I’ll grab two. [immediately makes plans to ‘Dutch Oven’ the wife later on]

Falcons/Bucs:

Soooo, what’s missing? Sides? Check. Protein? Check. Ah! Something to drink-a carbonated beverage is just the thing to wash this down. After all, this wait staff has to do something and I haven’t seen Braden in a while. Or was it Jaden? Aiden? Pretty sure it ended with an ‘n’.

Jags/Texans:

I couldn’t be more stuffed! But I didn’t pay $29.99 to walk out of here without some sort of dessert lodged in my lower intestine. Perhaps you can figure this out for me. I hate date squares but I always grab one because I feel sorry for them. There’s always plenty of them because I think most folks feel the way I do and just walk on by. Not me, I’ll put one on my plate so that it has company with things that actually taste good. And no, I’m not going to eat it. That stuff is vile.

Enjoy the offerings before you.

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Redshirt

Come on 2-point Defense Conversion!

Spur

Beasley earned his bag of coke for today.

Horatio Cornblower

Go for 2, Princeton; you’ve got a plane to catch.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

THEY MIGHT BE GIANTS!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

They might be bad,
They might be sad,
They might be hilariously incompetent…

Redshirt

So 1 patella = 2 feet?

Spur

1 knee is down right?

Petronel

Holy crap Boyz

Gratliff

MAXIMUM CHAOS

bk109

Ohgod, I’m going to do the unthinkable.. and move to the other thread and switch to the Charge of the not-so-light Yinzers

Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit. What a way to end a totally meaningless game!

Horatio Cornblower

But no! One knee equals two feet! We’re doing this for 10 more minutes!

...

Unless the PAT is shanked

rockingdog

bahahahaha!

Gratliff

Dak getting fucking decked on every play to own the libs?

...

Man that Prescott. He’s not very… Dakurate

Horatio Cornblower

I wonder how Blake Jarwin would do on Monday Night Football.

bk109

LOL, did the Jets just fumble to end the year?

rockingdog

you know it!
bahahahaha thats so jets!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

Oh my god. Dallas is gonna tie and get another 15 minutes out of this quagmire.

Horatio Cornblower

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

10.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

But I’m sure it will seem longer.

Horatio Cornblower

Blame Hippo; he called this a while ago.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

There’s no way both of them made it to ’95.

Spur

no way Red will go for 2.

Petronel

Barkley slips and falls squarely on his ass. Thus does the natural order of things reassert itself.

Horatio Cornblower

That’d be great if Barkley blew out his knee on the turf right about now.

Horatio Cornblower

it was more a comment of why he was even in the game at that point. I like Barkley.

King Hippo

Non-Gendered Cowpersons calling timeouts on defense

Gratliff

When you’ve got a linebacker left not displaying CTE, you have to extend the game

Gratliff

I love that Princeton is gonna get another few years out of this shit.

Spur

I think he still needs to win next week or he’s gone.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

I like the one pacifist who’s having none of that.

Horatio Cornblower

Aww, shit!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

also the Team MRSA Jizzmoppers committing to Rapey Jameis another season

blaxabbath

Tampa Bay sucks.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I cannot wait to see what kind of money Amari Cooper demands.

Horatio Cornblower

All of it.

...

Barrels full!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

Derp It!

Now sit everyone Dallas.

Redshirt

Momshirt: “Redshirt? Can you fix your sister’s computer?”
Redshirt: “Can it wait until after football?”
Momshirt: “Its a quick fix.”
Redshirt: “If its a quick fix, why can’t you or her do it?”
Momshirt: “We’re too busy blaming each other for breaking it. Come on, it’ll only take a few minutes.”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7QEB38D0pu4

Redshirt: “Its fixed.”

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You are not the hero they need; you are the hero they deserve.

Horatio Cornblower

WE READY…WE READY…WE READY…FOR CTE!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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rockingdog
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’d watch if they made it like the Drunk History show.

Redshirt

If its Chad Johnson and his pre-04 work ethic, yes!

If its Ochocinco and his post-04 work ethic:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MRy3wICXVXI

...

lol just saw the Packers score lol

Senor Weaselo

So Saquon just dunked on people. That’s not a sentence I expected.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Asshole at the swimming pool.

Petronel

Daks – Gints turning out to be surprisingly fun.

Horatio Cornblower

I look forward to the inevitable arguments about whether or not Barkley had control of the ball before crossing the goal line.

Although it looked pretty clear that he did.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Senor Weaselo

Go for the flip, it doesn’t have a srimech!

Gratliff

Dr. J ABA reference! Drink!

Mr. Ayo

Way ahead of you there.

Petronel

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Gratliff

Yakkety Sax Bowl

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That was wacky, zany even.

Gratliff

Cowboys starting everyone in a meaningless game, trying to hold off the juggernaut that is the 2018 Giants.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

Jesus, Calvin Ridley could have caught that ball on the 5 and then rolled into the end zone.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I still think his best film was Alien.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Too small.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Oh, no R.

King Hippo

No, I’m smelling OVERTIME!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Check your shorts; that ain’t overtime.

King Hippo

I have been waiting for incontinence day to arrive

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I think you did it on purpose.

Horatio Cornblower

Giants are probably better off losing and moving 2-3 spots up in the draft, so I’m thinking a TD bomb to win it.

Gratliff

That last step by Josh Allen. That defender has to give him his wife now. That’s how that works.

King Hippo

apparently Gilbert Gottfried is Black Panthers’ #4?

Mr. Ayo

AFLAC!

rockingdog

No silly its garret gilbert

Horatio Cornblower

“Vanderesch is back out there, and that’s great news for Cowboys fans!”

No, no it’s not. Get him and anyone else even remotely important to the team the fuck off the field. Put Jason Garrett in at QB; no one gives a shit if he gets hurt and can’t make the next game!

blaxabbath

Cowboys fans, however, are stupid.

Horatio Cornblower

I can’t argue that point.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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The Maestro

DOINK-shone Kizer?

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

OOPS! Wrong Kaiser

Spur

you let Hurns score on you?

Gratliff

MOAR GIMPY COWBOYS

Horatio Cornblower

This game has rapidly changed from “meh” to banana-cakes fun. I mean, Allan Hurns? Is alive?

rockingdog

crazzzzzyyyyyyyy!

rockingdog

yea more footballl!!!!!!
Cool!

Horatio Cornblower

Is there a significant difference in draft position between 5-11 and 6-10, and if so, are the Giants aware of it?

Senor Weaselo

Probably, and probably not.

Fronkenshteen

BOOOOOOOO

King Hippo

I am enjoying that “Cable Guy” article.

Horatio Cornblower

More than Tom Waits?

King Hippo

/mumbles incoherently

Horatio Cornblower

Jaylon Smith and Leighton VanDerKampsFishSticks banging knees in the 4th quarter of a meaningless game is just a perfect way for the Cowboys to go into the postseason.

Horatio Cornblower

“Jeff Heath is an excellent tackler” says that coloUr guy, just before Jeff spending the next three plays proving the exact opposite.

blaxabbath

Woke up (I GOT A NAP TODAY FUCK YEAH) to feed blaxito and my broadcast options were DAL/NYG and NE/JETS. So I’m watching Season 2 of Making a Murderer.

Senor Weaselo

What is, having those as your own broadcast options? Incidentally, urge to kill… rising…

blaxabbath

Obviously Teresa Halbach suggested the Jets are the near-class of the AFC East and so these two Pats Nationals has to put her down.

Why the cops had to plant the evidence, now that’s just outcoaching yourselves.

bk109

Eh, I’d watch the Giants, it can fully be the last game before they take Eli behind the barn and shoot him!

blaxabbath

ARI “makes a splash” giving up a third and assuming the 2019 contract to give Rosen a mentor in 3 tequila shots….2 whiskey shots…1 Keim Time Moonshine shot….

Horatio Cornblower

OK, the 3 TD performance was fun and all, but it may be time to take Dak out of the game given the OL is a bunch of backups.

bk109

Awwww,what’s the worst that could happen?

Horatio Cornblower

Something called Cooper Rush.

bk109

Eh, as a Pats fan that doesn’t sound bad at all ! Hell, that sounds like an improvement to Dak!Dak!Dak!

Senor Weaselo

Wasn’t that a movie in the 2000s?

bk109

Or a Porn star? Knowing Jerry, it could even be the porn star

King Hippo

Huzzah, Black Panthers want t draft after Donks WOO!!