Your AFC Wild Card Game Part Deux Open Thread

First things first-we’ll have a look at some of the fallout (or falldown in Allen Hurns’ case) from yesterday’s action.

According to a certain Mr. Schefter, Hurns has already had surgery on his un-located ankle, which is now relocated. Older white residents at the hospital are worried that Mr. Hurns’ presence will bring down the overall property value of their recovery rooms.

Some fella by the name of Kris Richard (Secondary Coach/Passing Game Coordinator for the Cowboys) will be interviewed by the Dolphins, Jets and Bucs today. Enjoy your ‘hot name’ status, guy that should be spelling his first with a ‘C’ and an ‘H”.

Another coaching candidate is the Colts D boss, Matt Eberflus. His unit finished 10th in points against with 21.6 for the season as a whole but I mathed the last six games, including a loss to the Jags and Indy is tightening the screws down to a ridiculous 13 points per tilt allowed. Given that they’re playing again next weekend I’ll save my joke about his last name till then.

TO THE GAME!

Bolts/Black Birds:

Seems fairly simple to me-the Chargers have to find a way to stop the league’s most effective run game (since Week 11) that manifests itself in the Ravens read option thingy. LAMAR!’s average is 5.5 yards per rush and when he hands off to rb Dixon (7.9) or Gus Edwards (6.4) even more damage is done. I don’t see that happening.

Last time these guys went round the maypole Baltiless forced the Rivers and Co. into 3rd and more than 10 on 66% of their total drives. Combine that with a 44% pressure rate when The Fecund One dropped back to pass and there’s your recipe for failure, if not total disaster. A partial solution might be to involve rb’s Gordon, Ekeler and Jackson in the passing game some more. This unit combined has 6 catches or less in 5 of their last 6 tilts. That won’t cure all ills but it might be a start. All in all, this is Bally’s game to lose, methinks.

Crank up the Mimosa Fountain!

 

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If this shit happens during the Bears game, I will completely meltdown

Unsurprised

#isthisstd
— Mark Sanchez

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

ESPN’s broadcast would have been in commercial this entire time.

Redshirt

Floating?! We’re now debating if a ball is floating?!

King Hippo

and it wasn’t even Laserface!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Especially considering when they could just ask the world-renowned expert that’s sitting on the sideline.

Old School Zero

And now for another episode of CSI: Touchdown

Sharkbait

Banner.

Viva La Tabula Raza

This is fucking insane.

Unsurprised

THIS! IS! FOOTBALL!

fleshwound_NPG

this game owns for all the wrong reasons

Petronel

Chaos, beautiful chaos

The Maestro

Whatup, cheesedicks? Looks like I tuned in at the perfect time…

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

A battle of 3’s in Baltimore or as it’s also known, “Wet T-Shirt Night in Glen Burnie”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Holy balls

...

That ball looks like it was coming out before his elbow hit the ground.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

I usually come before my socks hit the ground!

Old School Zero

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT IS HAPPENING

CHAOS REIGNS

CHAOS REIGNS

HALLELUJAH

CHAOS REIGNS

Sharkbait

LOL WHAT?

Redshirt

I hear whistles!

Unsurprised

That’s just a stroke.

...

HOLY FUCKING SHIT LOL

Old School Zero

oh god no

Redshirt

“After reviewing the play. I don’t want the fans to suffer by taking this game back to 3rd Quarter.”

Gratliff

holy jesus fuck

Old School Zero

Turrble call

...

lol TOUCHDOWNS SIND VERBOTEN

fleshwound_NPG

welp, FG incoming

Redshirt

…and the Baltimore Ravens hopes have figurately and literally spiraled out of control.

ballsofsteelandfury

Meanwhile…
comment image

Sharkbait

Insurmountable lead. Even if it’s called back.

Unsurprised

According to Twitter, the British now have an ice skating version of dancing with the stars. I love the idea of putting several people who’ve been on that show onto ice wearing razor sharp blades.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Ice skates aren’t really that sharp. Concussion city, though.

Unsurprised

Nuts.

Dunstan

Canada’s been doing that for years. “Battle With the Blades,” featuring former NHL players paired with figure skaters.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Even less happier now.

Old School Zero

Wait, are touchdowns even allowed today?

fleshwound_NPG

as close as a touched down as we’re gonna get today

...

What an ugly possible TD

Old School Zero

Definitely on theme, though.

Unsurprised

/Swoons
comment image

Gratliff

*clutching pearls until brain death sets in*

King Hippo

she really seems delightful (in addition to hot and smart), I would have loved being one of her bar regulars

fleshwound_NPG

should be the new morton salt girl logo

my god the tweets this week

...

She’s introduced me to a completely new concept: Ragehorny

Old School Zero

Wait, you’ve lived this long and never had a ragerection?

Dunstan

Stupid Sexy Flanders!

Redshirt

If it wasn’t for the fact that she a hardcore Socialist who wants to turn our beloved Republic into American Germany, I’d be in love. I guess I can settle for a schoolboy crush.

Unsurprised

That’s why I love her.

...

She’s gonna solve global warming just by generating enough horniness from America’s right wing to replace all carbon-burning energy.

Gratliff

Pretending national socialists were actually socialists is my favorite Twitter meme.

Unsurprised

Socialism for some. Gas chambers for others. Little American flags for all!

ballsofsteelandfury

I think it was one of our Canadian brothers that noted that what Americans consider Socialist is so far from real Socialism that it’s not even funny.

Gratliff

I imagine the European socialists have a hearty laugh at our so-called radical left when they’re not being actively hunted by the literal fascists that seem to be running most of Europe these days

Unsurprised

Yeah … But then you meet real socialists online and it makes total sense.

Redshirt

That’s the problem with Republicans. They think today’s Socialist Germany is the same as 1930s-1940s Nazi Germany. Not me, I literally did the homework (college report),

If anything, its the 2nd best form of government behind Democracy. It just allows the better chance of corruption (though today’s America is forcing me to rethink that argument a bit).

fleshwound_NPG

best players in the afc, right now:

– 40 something QB
– QB that could only throw nerf balls 12 months ago
– QB that has fucked one too many times
– Old ass TE that once played basketball
– A kicker or two

NOT INCLUDED: players coached by Andy Reid, whom will lose next week anyways

Gratliff

HAHAHA holy shit, Bears deactivated Trey Burton, Eagles’ all-time best postseason quarterback.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What? Why?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Groin? He can have mine.

...

lol biggest offensive play of offensive game

Sharkbait

I’m sad that we didn’t go an entire quarter without first downs

Old School Zero

Gates: *one hand snags a catch*
Ref: *blows whistle, signals incomplete*
Gates: What the hell, ref?
Ref: You have to complete the catch and make a football move. That was more of a basketball move.

Unsurprised

comment image

King Hippo

also, travelling

Unsurprised

God damn it

King Hippo

Fucking Laserface went to my alma mater (and will be in the HoF), but I still hate the fucker. THAT is how awful a humanoid he is.

Redshirt

Has Lamar been benched yet?

King Hippo

ahem, Lamar!

rockingdog

when is one of the kickers gonna try for a field goal, but then he misses and instead hit one of the uprights…DOINK!
the way this game is going, I figure that’s gotta happen

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That’s Cody Parkey ‘s job

theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m sitting in a bar watching this game.
I am not happy.

King Hippo

GO FIND A NUDIE BAR. YOU WON’T REGRET IT!!

Redshirt

(tWBS runs into first Strip Club he sees; turns out to be a Male Strip Club)

Unsurprised

Eh.

Still better than this. And I doubt Seamus has a no-touching rule for the women.

Unsurprised

Heh. I just laughed at the scene in Magic Mike when Big Dick Richie gives himself a hernia picking up that fat lady.

King Hippo

See, here’s the thing. Even if you assume playing for TDs is a 50/50 shot…odds are you end up with 7 total. Which is more than the absolute maximum you can get from 2 FGs.

But no, HURR DURR GOTTA TAKE TEH POINTS!!

...

Plus it’s still the THIRD quarter!

King Hippo

/and you’re still running the veer

//as even the 1930s-model Paul Johnson knows, the only way to leverage same is by going for it all the time, as it inevitably produces 4th and short

fleshwound_NPG

The AFC is absolute trash.

...

Field goals and fumbles. Just kicks and drops.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I am giving serious consideration into making Fumbles & Fieldgoals into an actual roleplaying game.

rockingdog

that sounds fun!

Unsurprised

I know some TTRPG game designers if you’re serious and want help.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Jesus. Baltimore can’t run the ball, they can’t throw the ball, and now they can’t kick the ball, either.

Unsurprised

Sounds like a bunch that could fuck up standing arou—

/Flag Flies Open (Delay of Game)

King Hippo

LIKE it’s a chip shot with wind that. It was 4th and goddamned 1!!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This is a fucking high school offense

King Hippo

KICKING AGAIN. Jesus fuck, dicknuts.

ballsofsteelandfury

Harbaugh is losing this game like his name was Jim.

Gratliff

comment image

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Just out of frame: Ivanka

ballsofsteelandfury

comment image

Unsurprised

Ugh. One of the few men as repulsive if not more repulsive than DJT.