Your AFC Wild Card Game Part Deux Open Thread

First things first-we’ll have a look at some of the fallout (or falldown in Allen Hurns’ case) from yesterday’s action.

According to a certain Mr. Schefter, Hurns has already had surgery on his un-located ankle, which is now relocated. Older white residents at the hospital are worried that Mr. Hurns’ presence will bring down the overall property value of their recovery rooms.

Some fella by the name of Kris Richard (Secondary Coach/Passing Game Coordinator for the Cowboys) will be interviewed by the Dolphins, Jets and Bucs today. Enjoy your ‘hot name’ status, guy that should be spelling his first with a ‘C’ and an ‘H”.

Another coaching candidate is the Colts D boss, Matt Eberflus. His unit finished 10th in points against with 21.6 for the season as a whole but I mathed the last six games, including a loss to the Jags and Indy is tightening the screws down to a ridiculous 13 points per tilt allowed. Given that they’re playing again next weekend I’ll save my joke about his last name till then.

TO THE GAME!

Bolts/Black Birds:

Seems fairly simple to me-the Chargers have to find a way to stop the league’s most effective run game (since Week 11) that manifests itself in the Ravens read option thingy. LAMAR!’s average is 5.5 yards per rush and when he hands off to rb Dixon (7.9) or Gus Edwards (6.4) even more damage is done. I don’t see that happening.

Last time these guys went round the maypole Baltiless forced the Rivers and Co. into 3rd and more than 10 on 66% of their total drives. Combine that with a 44% pressure rate when The Fecund One dropped back to pass and there’s your recipe for failure, if not total disaster. A partial solution might be to involve rb’s Gordon, Ekeler and Jackson in the passing game some more. This unit combined has 6 catches or less in 5 of their last 6 tilts. That won’t cure all ills but it might be a start. All in all, this is Bally’s game to lose, methinks.

Crank up the Mimosa Fountain!

 

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

State Farm’s aerial coverage is fine, but their areolae coverage is very disappointing.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve been making Vag-ley jokes so carry on

fleshwound_NPG
Unsurprised

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...

Every so often I remember Sugar Ray has a song called “Rivers” and I play it in my head whenever Rivers makes a pouty face.

...
Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“DID YOU CALL ME SUGAR GAY?”

Unsurprised

I think one of my brother’s friends called Mark McGrath that when they were in college and Sugar Ray existed.

Unsurprised

*To his face. Plenty of smart asses said it everywhere else.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

Can’t even outscore Philip Rivers’ fertility. Shame Ravens.

Redshirt

If I’m Flacco and if they put me in down 20 with only half a quarter left, I’m taking the snap and running back towards my own endzone, giving Harbaugh and the coaches the finger as I score the intentional safety.

Unsurprised

Went to the first game at the Ravens stadium in ‘98 as a 16th bday gift. At the players entrance, I talked enough shit to then-Ravens QB Jim Harbaugh that he broke stride and glared at me. Dad pulled me aside, said, “you’re gonna get our asses kicked.” Rowdy teen Mike didn’t play

— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) January 6, 2019

Gratliff

An extremely petty Jim Harbaugh would then go on to buy controlling share in Uproxx Media Group, completing his long game

Gratliff

84 possession game

Dunstan

Pretty much an infinite possession game at this point.

Sharkbait

Can you fire a coach mid game? Harbaugh might get axed if Jackson comes out next series.

ballsofsteelandfury

I’m happily awaiting the booing in this stadium if Lamar goes out there.

Gatoraids

Harbs will do the change him last series of the game look i tried move

Game Time Decision

Fired, more like lynched by the crowd

Dunstan

“Did someone say lynching?” — half of all NFL owners

Unsurprised

/GATES OF HELL FLIES OPEN

King Hippo

Looks like a solid hour of reading time.

King Hippo

DO BETTER, Divisional Weekend

Unsurprised

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King Hippo

“The Great War: Breakthroughs”

/alternate history, the USA finally licking the CSA this time out.

Spur

You know what really makes this a good game? The Steelers arent playing in it.

Game Time Decision

Lamar, Flacco and RGIII….that’s a sad QB bench

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

40 aches and a mule

Mother Puncher

Why does it seem like the world is cheering for Rivers to get a ring? Has the world forgot who Phillip Rivers is?

Spur

Because Rivers populated much of the world?

Dunstan

I’m only going to cheer for Rivers to win next week against NE. If Belichek invaded hell, I would make at least a favorable reference to the Devil.

Redshirt

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, watching a playoff team shit the bed and roll around in it is so much fun when its not my team shitting and rolling.

The Maestro

The Ravens’ allegedly top-ranked defence just gave up a first down to a running Phillip Rivers. Get fucked, Ratbirds.

Spur

Rivers with the taunt! love it.

Gratliff

Marmalard just scrambled for a first down against your team. Disband.

Old School Zero

delete your team

King Hippo

career long rushing attempt

Redshirt

Go back to Cleveland. We can have two Cleveland Browns!

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

“There’s a way around that” – D. Sharper

Dunstan

“Harf harf!” — B. Roethlisgberger

fleshwound_NPG

that electric wall graphic by cbs even more useless than trump’s fake one

fleshwound_NPG

my dick longer than ravens passing offensive output

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Mom?

ballsofsteelandfury

And you were in the pool!

Game Time Decision

-Brett Farve

Spur

ok, read the past comments. It’s Flacco time next series.

Dunstan

Seriously, I enjoy ragging on the guy too, but Flacco is not some so-bad-he-only-plays-if-injury-forces-us-to backup, nor is Jackson a proven stick-with-him-no-matter-what starter.

...

Folks, you know this game and our tax conversations have in common? THEY’RE BOTH LAFFERS.

Redshirt

Announcer: “For this year’s playoffs, the part of the Cincinnati Bengals will be played by the Baltimore Ravens.”

...

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Unsurprised

Poor kitty

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Like Baltimore fans needed another reason to be racist.

Spur

A Whole Foods and Ikea Sunday morning doubleheader was exhausting. i need a nap.

Is this a beat down like the score looks?

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s a Baltimore Derpdown

ballsofsteelandfury

Minus 2 yards passing!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fire everyone

Spur

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Old School Zero

So many sacks. Is this football or a Buddy Cole Christmas Special?

...

lol six passing yards? SIX?!

fleshwound_NPG

negative 2 now!

Sharkbait

I feel like I could get more than six

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Again, high school offense

Redshirt

Has there been a worse rookie playoff QB performance than this?

King Hippo

Tebow @ NE?

Redshirt

Tebow completed three times the completions and over five times the passing yards.

fleshwound_NPG

this is like when the ’86 bears put flutie in at qb in a playoff game

Dunstan

Imagine having Joe Flacco as your best hope to score 17 points in a quarter.

Spur

Folks

rockingdog

you dont want this

...

I really want Flacco to get into the game only to throw a crushing pick-six.

Old School Zero

Aw, come on man, you gotta give me time to whip it out before you talk so dirty like that.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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fleshwound_NPG

some things:

– barrel roll FB TD was indeed a TD, CBS guest ref thought so, game refs didn’t think so
– dive TD was indeed short and no fumble, CBS guest ref thought it was a fumble, refs said down and short
– fuck refs, on tv or not

Unsurprised

– fuck refs, on tv or notcomment image

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Okay, the actor who played Chad in that TurboTax commercial was perfect.

fleshwound_NPG

fuck the ratbirds (whenever they’re not playing new england)

King Hippo

their ability in Foxboro is 80% of why I rooted for ’em

King Hippo

well-played, Anthony Lynn

Petronel

…coverage? What coverage?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

(I still say the previous play with the rolling catch was a TD)

hippofant

TOUCHDOWN SEAHAWKS

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

NOOOOOOOOOO! WHY HAS THE PURITY OF THIS FIELD GOAL FESTIVAL BEEN SULLIED BY A TOUCHDOWN?

...

Taxing that touchdown at a 62.5% rate as it’s clearly gratuitous.

Petronel

Was kinda hoping this would remain a base-3 game

BrettFavresColonoscopy
Old School Zero
King Hippo

Harbs can’t believe they ain’t kick

King Hippo

that’s the Middle Path replay decision

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That’s the right call, I think.

fleshwound_NPG

that guest CBS ref didn’t even know the dude was touched on the way to the ground, which EVERYONE ELSE DID KNOW

dumbass refs, all of them