Your “You Can’t Do That On Television!” AFC Playoff Game Open Thread

Fallout:

-T.O. opened up his bridge-burner again and to no one’s surprise threw hc Garrett under the bus for having the gall to lose to a superior team. Several wanks were wanked.

-Harvey Dahl awaits his inevitable fine and perhaps a flurry of ‘random’ drug tests(?) for not expressing himself like an Anthony Hopkins in The Remains of The Day during the heat of competition.

-Aqib Talib awaits his inevitable fine and perhaps a flurry of ‘random’ drug tests for not expressing himself like Peter Sellers in Being There during the heat of celebration post-game.

-not exactly fallout but one of the linemen, Bob Kuechenberg from The ’72 Dolphins, passed away. He was one of those classy racists (like Matt Birk and Tim Thomas) that turned down a White House visit back in 2013 because a black fella happened to be running the nation at the time.

TO THE GAME!

Muscle Cars/Tea Party Throwers:

This doesn’t bode well-Rivers has never beaten Brady head-to-head in a game. However, in the man-to-man matchup in The Game of Life he’s way up 9-3. (I’m assuming Tiffany will come through with the deliverable-she’s a seasoned pro in her own right)

If you’re a history nutball like myself you’ll happen to know that the very first time these two met in a championship game (back in January of ’63) the Chargers came away with a 51-10 victory.

Sorta looks like near the end of the line for both Brady (maybe another year?) and Gronk especially after you saw the latter stumble and totter while trying to chase that Fins player during that miracle win.

It’s time for a bloody… Ceasar.

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

The people of Carson must be devastated

Old School Zero

All three of them have banded together and formed a support group.

Old School Zero

If Tony Romo hasn’t gone as Popeye to a Halloween party, that’s a huge missed opportunity.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Brocky

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Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I don’t think “Going Down Swinging” is an appropriate bumper music choice here. Maybe something more like “As I Lay Me Down” would be more descriptive of the Chargers’ efforts.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gq-4vIIJO30

Senor Weaselo

How about the Meatballs’ “It just doesn’t matter!” speech?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=e9mf3Bypyk8

LemonJello

This seems apropos for Le Clippers du Merde:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=foGkU6x3eSE

LemonJello

I hope there’s plenty of hot tea with honey for Romo and Nance…all that P*ts ball gargling can be rough on their throats…

herodotus450

This “The Danny Woodhead Bowl” isn’t even close.

The Maestro

MY DICK CAN CUT DIAMONDS RIGHT NOW

King Hippo

just imagine the anguish when Andy Reid eviscerates y’all…

Viva La Tabula Raza

Got a real blue-veiner going on, eh?

Sharkbait

Sploosh

SonOfSpam

Palms are gonna look like Jesus’

King Hippo

time to watch Mexican Lesser Footy on the local Univision-ish affiliate

Redshirt

Hey! Rex Burkhead’s still playing? Good for him!

King Hippo

Now is the time on Sprockets when Grumblelord gets his white guys…I mean natural leaders get the points.

Dolph Ucker

Third down. Incomplete.
Oh. Penalty?
/1st and 10, Patriots. Naturally.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

These bailout calls aren’t obvious enough; the refs need to start making up penalties that don’t even exist and call them on imaginary jersey numbers, like #178i.

Brocky

Just start calling them on imaginary teams. Like an NFL football team in Houston not called the Oilers

Senor Weaselo

That’s not pass interference—wait, there’s the flag!

King Hippo

Late BLEERGH, naturally

Redshirt

Obviously, the Chargers game plan is give the Patriots such a huge lead that they get overconfident that they pull their starters and put in their backups. Then they’ll spring their trap because they read the rulebook and per Rule 5.10, once a player is substituted, they cannot return to the game.

Gratliff

This was definitely RIvers’ last real chance, so I guess he should just retire now.

Old School Zero

Keep playing under the Spanoi, or instantly get paid as a talking head analyst? Pretty easy choice.

Redshirt

How’s his contract situation? Does he have a chance to go to a contending team late in his career like Manning, Farve and Cunningham?

King Hippo

yeah, but then he would have to spend MOAR time at home. 3 is rough enough, but 8-9??

Viva La Tabula Raza

Sure, why not? Worked for Vontae Davis.

King Hippo

35-10 looks overly optimistic for CdM

Viva La Tabula Raza

Looks like that could be the halftime score.

herodotus450

It’s clear this is all just part of the Chargers’ plan to get their left-footed punter out there as much as possible and give Belichick a taste of his own medicine.

Dolph Ucker

Edelman caught that Rivers 3rd down throw, bat, kick. That white man catches everything. Even on the sidelines.

Senor Weaselo

Well, game, blouses?

King Hippo

oh yeah.

JustStopDude

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King Hippo

P*ts starting to cover Clippers du Merde, now I just hope they will be Maestro-heel-turn-level overconfident for Mahomes-y and pals.

Old School Zero

If Andy Reid is going to be standing in the way of the Patriots and the Super Bowl, I sure hope he picks a narrow doorway to stop in.

King Hippo

I am looking forward to fighting the good fight (Andy really has got this!) in the game thread next week.

Old School Zero

Who knew Belichick could outsmart Ken Wisenhunt?

Narrator: Everbody.

Redshirt

Romo: “Rivers’ teammates complete suck ass. He needs to do everything in order to win.”

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My parlay right now–
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King Hippo

I don’t want to bet Iggles/Saints, but being 3-for-3 (counting the P*ts already), I feel like I may have an obligation…

Gratliff

Big Dick Nick The Spread Slayer

King Hippo

I just can’t get 48-7 out of my head. Breesus coming off a bye, too.

Gratliff

Eagles are going to lose by 1 just to make sure they inflict the most pain on the most people

King Hippo

I would enjoy it being a competitive fixture, at least. Sadly, I don’t see RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! beating either one.

Senor Weaselo

Only slightly a delay of game.

Old School Zero

The refs even gave them a couple extra Mississippis in the count

Gratliff

FFS they’re already making awful covers of the most recent Johnny Cash singles.

The Maestro

BOLTMAN DEMANDS THE FEMURS OF GUS BRADLEY AS PENANCE FOR THIS DISHONOR

Old School Zero

Keep BOLTMAN’s name out of your fucking mouth.

King Hippo

Angry OSZ is awesome!!

King Hippo

This is allowing me to focus properly on my baseball draft.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

What the actual fuck

Dolph Ucker

Prob don’t need to watch much more of this one.

Senor Weaselo

Hooray for not covering!

The Maestro

SUCK MY DICK AND BALLS WOOOOOOOO I AM A HORRIBLE HUMAN AND I DON’T GIVE A SINGLE FUCK

Senor Weaselo

Wait when did Maestro become Rick Sanchez?

Redshirt

About five beers ago.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’m enjoying his heel turn for this game.

Redshirt

Being the most hated person in the room and not only loving it but encouraging it is a feeling everyone should experience once in their life.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Living the life…”

– Stephen Miller

King Hippo

It is quite entertaining.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Bob Sutton just shit his pants.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

(the funny part is that he’s not even watching the game)

Redshirt

Being the most hated person in the room and not only loving it but encouraging it is a feeling everyone should experience once in their life.

(wrong post – sorry!)

Redshirt

Welp.

litre_cola

This is a clinical dismantling

Old School Zero

It’s pretty rough, that’s for sure.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

They’ve moved to dismembering

Sharkbait

Sup beaches.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The world is unjust

Viva La Tabula Raza

I don’t really get what the Apple ad with all the multi-colored overalls is trying to tell me, but I kind of like the song that accompanies it.

LemonJello

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Redshirt

At least our Overlords want us to play for 8 hours. Most Evil Overlords don’t give their slaves recess.

Old School Zero

Apple ads always seem to try to be a brightly colored version of Lost Highway: they make no sense but they look cool and have a great soundtrack.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So yesterday we had a new record for most combined touchdown passes for the quarterbacks, and then they ended up with like, maybe two touchdown passes total.

Today we’ve got a record for the highest combined age. How is this going to end up being a similar dud?

King Hippo

I’m thinking maybe 35-10 P*ts

Old School Zero

And now for our “Circling down the bowl” moment of the game, brought to you by Taco Bell’s $1 menu!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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LemonJello

This Stretch Armstrong reboot sucks.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Was that ball on a hot air balloon?

Brocky

him: let me hear my wife’s voice one more time

her: (in a terrible face accent) Hans ya fucking idiot you’ve gotten yourself pinned against the wall!!!

him: that’s the stuff

dies

Redshirt

him: “Come closer.”

(her goes closer)

him: “I cheated on you with all your friends.”

(him dies with a smile on his face)

fin

BrettFavresColonoscopy

My biggest conclusion so far is that the Ravens are even dogshittier than we thought

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Well, at least I have the Patriots backfield for my stupid fantasy football playoff thingy

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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needs more toe.