Your “We Are All…, You Know The Drill” AFC Champagne-ship Game Open Thread

My diary is filled with various loving tributes to the many, many blades I have in my collection. (Thankfully, no one talks about Knife Control) Much like any artist I’ve felt the need recently to expand my skill set, but how?

The non-profit I visited did so many things for those without a home. They seemed to have an answer for every issue for guys and women trying to get back in the work force. No address? They set up a phone number that prospective employers could leave a message at. Lost ID? They provided assistance to those jumping through the various hoops required to get birth certificates and Social Security cards. Lack of transportation? Temporary bus passes and volunteers to drive the newly-employed to work. I had a Dodge Caravan and this was my way in.

Four guys every day. That was the routine. I’d drop them off in the morning, maybe pick up one or two at night-the rest would get back to whatever passed for shelter one way or another. The organization would subtly lean on me to grab their most promising prospects at night. Giving them a bit more structure than most made their ‘numbers’ look good in the long run. I knew the game-funding doesn’t just bubble up from empty space. Stats matter when the board is making a presentation.

Jason was a likable kid-he was that long-limbed, gawky type that never quite grew into his body. He was-I’m guessing-about 24 or so but looked as though he was 10 years older. Deep down the youngster was an optimist but his back-story was one I’d heard before. When he was 16 he got his 15 year-old girlfriend pregnant. He lived in a small town and his parents were prominent members in the church and business community. His Dad claimed to have sent him off to a boarding school but when they arrived at the bus depot he was handed $200 and a one-way ticket to a city three states away. After the money ran out he was sleeping in parks and hanging out with addicts-“I’d been beaten up so many times, I stopped counting after a month and a half”, he once told me.

After I did a rudimentary calculation I asked him one time, “Did you ever get your driver’s license?” He said that his dad let him drive down some back roads when they went hunting but he was out the door before he was legal. “Tell you what-maybe sometime I can let you behind the wheel and you can see what it’s like to drive again. The way things are going, you’ll have your own car in no time.” His face lit up and his grin stays with me to this day.

Back at the office I’d been letting hints drop to the effect that I had suspicions that my boy was back on drugs but I wasn’t quite sure. Everything was set.

It was a Friday heading into a long weekend and Jason was so excited. He shared with me that he’d recently met and was dating a girl he chatted up at Walmart. She was a cashier and things were going great. “Well, somebody better start practicing their driving”, I said. “I know of a lonely old road about three miles from here but I’m gonna be the passenger in the back seat and you’ll be the chauffeur like I’ve been to you.” He tipped his battered cap-“Yes Sir!” and smiled that smile.

A garrote that you’ve fashioned with your own hands is a thing of beauty in its simplicity. A small length of rope, two pieces of wood with a hole in the center that the rope can loop around and be tied to? Less is indeed more. I asked him to keep his eyes on the road and to slow down as I slipped directly behind him. I had been looking forward to the sound that would be made as I crushed his windpipe but, as I learned after doing a bit of homework online, no air to carry it, no sound. Jason, you let me down…

TO THE GAME!

DACA Killers/Time-Out Squanderers:

[prays to non-existent football gods for result that temporarily brings balance to the world]

You know what you’re here for.

 

 

 

 

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Spur

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Senor Weaselo

Thanks Obama!

LemonJello

Thanks, Obama!

Gratliff

I can not imagine the amount of hairline fractures in my shins from hitches

Viva La Tabula Raza

Those kind of trailer hitches are illegal in Massachusetts unless there’s a trailer attached.

...

What a dumb flea flicker call

Mother Puncher

Edelman is about to turn me alt-right

Spur

how many times is the KC linebackers going to get fooled

Senor Weaselo

They won’t get fooled again! Except they will.

...

37-31 final, i guess

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Spur

just waiting for flag to be thrown.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

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...

Bears Twitter is also angry about seeing four competent kickers today so we’re not in the best state of mind.

Recovery Whiskey

Resign Gould?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Stop giving it to Burkhead!

...

Bears Twitter is angrily tweets about not drafting Mahomes now lol

Gratliff

Titty Biscuits will never live down missing that kick

Senor Weaselo

But he doesn’t love kissing tittiess!

Gratliff

Back just in time to hear Chiefs fan doing a racism

Unsurprised

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Recovery Whiskey

NFL fan bases all have terrible members

Brocky

Oh God i cant even

...

Current mood:
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LemonJello

Jeebus, what did you have for dinner?

Mr. Ayo

Who does Number 2 work for?

Gratliff

I hope they Matt Hasselbeck Brady after that declaration

Ian Scott McCormick

Not sure NE has ever lost a coin flip

Senor Weaselo

Chefs won the opening toss.

Mr. Ayo

Just the last one at the beginning of this game?

Ian Scott McCormick

Nobody cares about that one

Senor Weaselo

Welp, P*ts win. Part Deux.

Doktor Zymm

Crazy playoff football day or craziest playoff football day?

Sharkbait

They’re isn’t enough alcohol in this bar

Spur

Andy is pissed he cant have dinner yet.

clint greasewood

BBQ plate is in the microwave and is ready to go win or lose.

Senor Weaselo

Whoever wins the coin toss wins.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Don’t think the refs could affect the coin toss. I’m sure some here will say they did, though..

clint greasewood

Brady 80 yard TD run

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Only if he dies after doing so

The Maestro

I cannot fucking breathe

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Thank goodness that wasn’t a Gary Anderson moment

Viva La Tabula Raza

If Pats lose coin toss, they lose the game.

...

Well fuck this is shit

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Both championship games have gone to overtime.

LemonJello

Maybe we can haz OT Superb Owl?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

We already had that and it fucking sucked.

Mr. Ayo

I’ll never get over that Brady INT going away because of the defensive offsides.

Senor Weaselo

Somehow still too much time.

Sharkbait

Kick return touchdown pls

Spur

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Gratliff

1000% should have taken another shot

WCS

You would think, but, you neglected the Andy Reid factor.

Gratliff

Oh no. I assume Andy will do the dumb thing when it matters most.

...

So that’s what it’s like to have a competent kicker.

Gratliff

Andy Reid AF

Viva La Tabula Raza

Cody Parker, work your magic.

Mr. Ayo

WAT?!?! Try another play assholes!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Eric Bieniemy looks like Eric Bieniemy ate Eric Bieniemy

Ian Scott McCormick

Doink?

Brocky

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WCS

Please no DOINK.

Unsurprised

P*ts Fans:comment image

Ian Scott McCormick

Red shirt. Definitely a blood moon

Gratliff

One more shot then kick

Spur

This is dumb. this will only end in sadness.

...

What I tell every woman I go on a date with.

Col. Duke LaCross

Put Gronk in!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

STEP ON THEIR THROATS

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Donald Trump is president, what did I expect.