This was the first weekend I’ve sat down by myself and watched football in 2 years. It was definitely a mixed bag. One the one hand, the games were much closer than I could’ve possibly expected and it was a little exciting to see some new blood doing well this deep in the playoffs. On the other hand, the relentless commercials were especially nauseating (if I hear someone sing “nah-nah nah nah” out of tune one more fucking time…) and the outcome was even more so.
I know you’ve all heard this plenty before now, but goddamn was the officiating awful. It’s to the point where I’m shocked the NFL hasn’t already started implementing some kind of pressure and/or position sensors in players helmets and pads. You add one more officiating crew member to monitor that stuff on the sideline, and he can instantly tell you if a quarterback gets hit in the head or not or if the ball crosses the first down marker/pylon. You still have the zebras (zed-e-bras for our Canadian Contingency), but you give something that can overrule them if they act like morons. You want to be the #1 sport in North America? Then act like it, try to fix the problems. embrace technology and think outside the box. With baseball, I can understand the reasoning for wanting the “human element” in the game (it’s still a shitty argument, but at least I get it), but with football? Hell, this sport seems to reinvent itself every decade already! If the XFL or AAF are listening, first of all, I knew Roommate Commander getting an Alexia device for X-mas was going to lead to this, and second, this is a golden opportunity for you two afterthoughts of a league to differentiate yourselves and actually be an industry disruptor! Give the fan a reason to want to check you out, instead of just being the same fucking retread with lesser talent you clearly are. Oh, but thank you for bringing football back to San Diego! I’ll see you on February 17th, live from Jack Murph!
Anyway, that’s enough out of me. Here’s what you actually came here for:
[Banner image via Peter Aiken/Getty Images]
Jaded fanbase:
“Now all you sucker referees who think you’re fly
There’s got to be a reason and we know the reason why
Why you put on those airs and you act real cool
Got to realize that you’re acting like fools”
New York Ref Party Boat:
“If there’s music we can use it
You’re free to dance
We don’t have the time for psychological romance
No romance, no romance, no romance for me mamma.”
On-field referee:
“Come on baby tell me what’s the word?”
New York Ref Party Boat:
“NOT LIT UP everybody says
When you hear the call you’ve got to get it underway
Dial L for lit, Dial L for lit, Dial L for lit
N.O.T. L.I.T. UP, N.O.T. L.I.T. UP, N.O.T. L.I.T. UP, N.O.T. L.I.T. UP”
This is fantastic! Word UP!
Bountygate made ’em hungry, and restricting the way they can tackle made it worse. They’re gonna get the job done somehow…
“Personal foul. Roughing the passer. Defender wearing weaponized levels of Axe. Fifteen yards, first down, and ejection of the defender pending a thorough shower.”
“Here you go, Julian. Remember, when you wear these gloves, nothing can touch you, baby!”
– A. Hernandez
[…] forget about this week’s “Quotables”. You can relive your rage at the officials one more time, and get in some shots at how the games […]
That blown call was almost as bad as crossing the pocket line to be a scab.
Excuse me, sir, but that man is clearly not a candlestick
DID SOMEONE SAY RAMMIT
You know what they say, hand size is correlated with how much the league is willing to cheat to help you despite a lack of incontrovertible visual evidence to overturn the ruling on the field
There’s only one kind of facemask Tom Brady is interested in:
?
Playing peek-a-boo with Brady, 15 yard penalty and a non-Edelman first down!
Someone was excited to play as Bowser in Smash Ultimate after the game.
Back in the Gregg Williams days you’d have to actually poop on the guy to get a payout for this maneuver.
If it’s so illegal to obscure Brady’s vision like this, how come they didn’t throw a flag for the laser?
Ah yes, the thoroughly embarrassing but entirely legal pick play.
Even though he can’t articulate exactly why, this play made Doug Martin extremely angry.
Breaking news: Roy Halladay to give shortest ever Hall of Fame induction speech.
Also Mussina, Rivera and Edgar Martinez got in, Rivera the first ever with 100% of the vote.
They’re just gonna play John Denver’s Greatest Hits in lieu of Halladay’s HOF speech.
OW-WAR QUARTER BACK IS TU-FUR THAN YO-WAR QUARTER BACK.
NO WUN DE-NIS THIS
Meanwhile, on a couch in rural Tennessee, Bernard Pollard weeps like Iron Eyes Cody at what has become of his beloved National Football League.
FUCK YOU, CLETE.
FUCK YOU, CLETE.
When it comes to losing as a Lewis, Tommylee is way better at it than Parker.
BANZAAAAAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!!
I always appreciate a Yokozuna reference.
“RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRam-it!!!!!”
Have you seen my sandwich?
It was about this long.
Hmm? Nope. Sorry.
We have the butt fumble, the butt catch and now, we present the….
Butt tackle.
Related to the taint tackle
“Yeah, I’d have shot him about fourteen times for that.”
– Every cop, imagining himself in Tom Brady’s shoes
Every cop is a P*ts fan
THIS NICKELL ROBEY-COLEMAN I CALL THIS GUY SPINAL TAP GUITAR AMP BECAUSE HE GOES STRAIGHT TO 11
As always the white man profits from black on black violence.
I didn’t know Ray Lewis was still in the league.
Like the NFL would put in sensors that might show just how much damage the players are receiving on the routine plays. Unlike the Trump administration, they’ve heard of the word “subpoena.”
Hell, all the more reason for this. But that’s a good point. It won’t be something that they willingly institute for “legal reasons.”
“Excellent form! 8.5 teabags out of 10.” – P. Manning
/Ppl forget that