NFL Nuggets:
- Free agency negotiations opened at noon ET today.
- Already known: (up to 5:15PM ET)
- The Raiders will sign Trent Brown away from the Patriots for 4 years/$66 million.
- Frank Gore will sign with the Bills for one-year at $2 million.
- Trey Flowers will sign with the Lions for five years at up to $85 million.
- Landon Collins will leave the Giants for the [Redacteds] for 6-years at $84 million.
- Kwon Alexander will sign with the Niners for 4 years at $54 million.
- Nick Foles is expected to sign a four-year, $88 million deal with the Jags.
- Worth up to $102 million with incentives.
- Just before the signing on Wednesday, the Jags will release Blake Bortles.
- Ape has the appropriate take on this:
- The Raiders will sign Trent Brown away from the Patriots for 4 years/$66 million.
- Already known: (up to 5:15PM ET)
Jaguars front office looking to confirm a rumor about Nick Foles before giving him $50 million guaranteed pic.twitter.com/l2MIThH43v
— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) March 11, 2019
- Nothing can become official until the new league year starts at 4:00PM ET on Wednesday.
- Danny Amendola is now a Lion.
- Miami cut him Friday, which allowed him to sign before the new league year starts.
- He rejoins former Patriots coach Matt Patricia as a “locker room” guy.
- Tampa is trading DeSean Jackson to the Eagles.
- Ape is two-for-two, having the right take on this as well:
Eagles should do right by DeSean Jackson and give him a “sorry Chip Kelly was racist” plaque before his first game back
— Mike Tunison (@xmasape) March 11, 2019
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Sharks at Wild – 8:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet
- Jets, Leafs & Oilers are all regional broadcasts only
- NBA:
- Raptors at Cavs – 7:30PM | TSN / NBATV
- Celtics at Clippers – 10:30PM | TSN / NBATV
- NCAA:
- Men’s:
- Southern Conference Basketball Tournament:
- The championship – 7:00PM | ESPN
- Horizon League Basketball Tournament:
- Wright State vs. Wisconsin (Green Bay) – 7:00PM | ESPNU
- Northern Kentucky vs. Oakland – 9:00PM | ESPNU
- MAAC Basketball Tournament:
- The championship – 9:00PM | ESPN2
- West Coast Basketball Tournament:
- A semifinal – 9:00PM | ESPN
- Southern Conference Basketball Tournament:
- Women’s:
- Big 12 Women’s Basketball Tournament:
- The championship – 9:00PM | FS1
- Big 12 Women’s Basketball Tournament:
- Men’s:
- WWE:
- Monday Night RAW – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
- It’s four weeks to Wrestlemania.
- Monday Night RAW – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
Free agency only gets crazier tomorrow, and there’s still some big money to be spent. WHO WILL BECOME SEATTLE’S KICKER?
Lana has lost her Russian accent over the years. Weird.
Please please please work
https://gfycat.com/FondLinedGraywolf
God damnit!
Well, to slack troubleshooting I go.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8sxL5sKvxqQ
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cF8MpK-yK5o
He was awesome.
So this is why people watch The Magicians.
Wellll….helloooooo…..
The new Jeri Ryan?
http://www.giantfreakinrobot.com/wp-content/uploads/2013/10/jeri-ryan-seven-of-nine-star-trek-voyager-helix.jpg
She looks like a really good magician
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1oyKVAjISmI
I’ve got all the ingredients and I’m going to make these tacos now, based entirely on this gif. I don’t even know where it originated from so the gif is my only guide. I’m going to make it in an Instant Pot so I just have to convert to “cook flank steak” mode and everything should be fine. That’s the theory. It looks pretty hard to fuck up.
I wholeheartedly endorse this product and/or service.
One question: Hard or Soft?
I’ve got uncooked soft tortillas that I’m going to put on a cast iron griddle, and my dick is as hard as a Mark-48 torpedo.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K09QIBIqrfE
Just a reminder, if you’re flexible to do the splits, you’re flexible enough to wash your damn feet
PREACH!!
“Now just hold on a minute there…”
R. Ryan, NYC unemployment line.
Or maybe sweep the floor once in a while.
Poopy
*sigh*
I swear I’ve done this before. How do you do this? Apparently, the old way no longer works
I converted it to a gif for you. It’s all good.
The sigh was me being salty about la señora here.
Full vid:
https://giant.gfycat.com/DescriptivePersonalCrocodileskink.mp4
OK, but how did you do that? Both gfycat and twdownload didnt work.
I copy the link, pasted it into both, and then click download. The link they give you is the link that shows the gif. What am I missing?
/checks Rangers/Oilers box score
well shit, that helps everyone but me
I’m a Bernie Bro until he dies or I find somebody better (spoiler: I won’t. I’m not even super into Bernie, but fuck it.).
Replace “Bernie Bro” with “Beerguyrob” and you pretty much have my wife’s wedding vows.
The potentially new Col. Duchess LaCross (still pretty early in the relationship) is all-in on Bernie. Already has a 2020 shirt and everything. I’m kinda backing Harris or Biden right now but she doesn’t know that. Hopefully this doesn’t become an issue down the road.
Zinedine Zidane returning to Real Madrid knowing he has a war chest to spend on transfers and has total control of the decisions.
THIS APE I CALL HIM VAL KILMER PLAYING JIM MORRISON BECAUSE HE’S THE TRUE STAR OF THE DOORS (FLYING OPEN)
I just saw a Botox commercial targeted at Millennials on cable TV. THE END IS NIGH!!
Let’s all have fun while we still can.
I admire the big one’s persistence in spite of seemingly being neutered.
Speaking of Botox, I just saw a recent Lisa Ann clip and she doesn’t even look like the same person.
I think she’s taken different shots to the face than what you’re thinking.
Committed to the bit.
Ice Giants need to stop losing in overtime and start losing in regulation.
Time’s valuable these days!
Isla Fisher’s hardly aged since “Wedding Crashers”.
I stopped reading it a few years back but I’m back on penny arcade. I think that is a really good comic.
One of my favorite things about internet entertainment— like, not big corporate-generated crap — like here is that it usually doesn’t drop off in humor like most network/Netflix comedies where they get a good season or two then change writers and chase some unfunny story arc.
Except the mother site, unfortunately.
Mother site? Guilt.com?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L-98RjrmqO4
1) Cardinals to deal Rosen for AB-level scraps.
2) Carfs draft Kyler Murray
3) Cards sign Blake Bortles to mentor Kyler
4) Murray goes down in camp
5) Blake Bortles second-comings Kurt Warner a decade later?
Absolutely not but the local sports hacks will sell it!
“Big mistake!”
– Farley Fasserley
But how’s her hand speed? I don’t want my dick to get ripped off.
— R. Kraft
RAIN-JUHS!!!!
Lemieux with the Howe hatty!
I think the most used word on the Bachelor is truly.
The irony
Tonight my wife came up with the “innovation” of adding cheese to a couscous/vegetable medley. I’m beginning to regret having left Yeah Right at the altar.
“KETCHUP!”
-Donald Trump, while mushroom cap deep in his own daughter
FFS Why are we remaking Pet Sematary now? The first attempt was perfectly cromulent.
I said that very same thing yesterday.
You know why.
Like Ted Striker over Macho Grande.
I don’t think he’ll ever get over Macho Grande…
I love you.
No homo.
“Thanks for the compliment…wait, ‘cromulent’ means good, right?” – Michael Vick
Ooooooh, hipster gymnastics.
It’s just for the circus; no need to go the “let’s blame the hipsters.” route.
Gives birth like a t-shirt cannon.
You know my cousin’s wife?
God damnit Ice Giants, you shouldn’t be losing to Ice Polite Slurs.
/Flips table.
No, this is good actually
Well, those assholes can at least lose with Zabini-jihad scoring me some goals, damnit!
Not wiffout Zuke.
Lose for… well, probably still the 8th or 9th pick and not Hughes.
Currently watching new Grinch movie with ToddlerZilla and it’s obvious that the Grinch doesn’t not like Christmas, he hates white people for assaulting his green ass whenever he enters a white space to buy food. As soon as he enters Whoville, white Whovillians are on him like white on rice
Thanks for playing along, Montreal. We’ll see you guys again in October.
What do you mean? Habs aren’t playing today.
…This commercial for 9-1-1 on Fox literally involves a shark attack on a highway. Stop making these fucking shows already.
But Uproxx says it’s the craziest show on TV!
I like to think Brian Grubb takes a shot every time he sees that out of context
I’m sure they will listen to you over the ratings they get for this shit.
Pimpbot 5000: Origins
Speaking of the whole Presidential thingamabob, my nomination selection process is twofold:
1) Who would likely be a good executive, based on temperament and experience?
There, I give Harris and Warren equally high marks.
2) Who has good/threshold raw political talent?
I have Harris as a strong leader here, but Booker, Beto, and Biden (if the latter two run) are also really good at politics.
I need to see more from Warren on item #2, but if she runs a campaign that dispatches both Sanders and Harris, that will go a long way in impressing me.
I am going to read that article about how to beat procrastination later.
hey man, the world could end any minute now
cool, I was looking for sommet to masturbate my rabbit with
Ummmm……
Like Wes Miller’s neck, looks like UNC-G will come up just a little short.
Chris Cornell does not recommend the alternative.
a Pretty Noose reference? NICE!
That’s knot mine. Low hanging ….. fruit.
https://www.cincinnati.com/story/sports/columnists/paul-daugherty/2019/03/11/paul-daugherty-column-cincinnati-bengals-new-dey/3134365002/
Factory of Sameness has really picked up the ball ever since their sister factory had production issues.
Bengals use Dey like Kaep uses 7.
Actually its only two “Seize the Dey” and “New Dey”. They’re trying to win back the fans, but Dey failing.
The football guy I read (other than all of the football guys here) has been absolutely savaging the Bengals’ free agent signings.
Which one? The below average OT whose three settings are “False Start”, “Holding” or “Let the Rusher Kill the QB” or the Backup TE we overpaid for?
Very funny.
I like Elizabeth Warren. I mean, when we’ve reached the point where we don’t really care about policy and we just trust the judgement of the chief executive, it sure seems to make sense that someone who actually gets economics and wants to see the markets work for the middle class would be the pragmatist most-suited to take on the task. Relative to the guy who says slowing to a 20K jobs gain is “a blip to ignore” — as if an indicator isn’t an indicator when you aren’t taking into account bullshit political agendas loaded with promises that are never expected to come true in the first place.
I like Warren a lot in this cycle, especially if Bernie drops early and puts his full support behind her. If she can stop doing goofy bullshit, she may actually overtake the centrists. Gonna be a whole ass year of Indian jokes from Trump if that happens, though, and it’s gonna be hard to not just snap on random people.
Warren is too old. Sanders is too old. Trump is too old. STOP ELECTING THESE FUCKING FOSSILS ALREADY.
Jared Kushner 2020! Time for youth and TS clearances!
There’s a reason the gap exists between Bernie and AOC. It’s because people our age got suckered by the Clintons and centrism, which I can confirm based on all but one person of the Gen Xers I know who’ve won elections or even gotten into politics. It’s a tragedy.
Warren in the debate to Trump: “The only Trail of Tears I’m interested in is the one you leave when you leave the White House on January 20, 2021.”
Bernie drop out early and put his full support behind a woman who stole his thunder – that’s a good funny. 😀
Ah yes, Bernie, the most awful sexist in the Dem primaries since Barack Obama, according to Hillary Clinton supporters, who actively ignore that she ran a blatant racist, xenophobic, and Islamophobic campaign against Obama in 2008, then went and voted for McCain at twice the rate Sanders supporters voted for Trump because Obama won because he was being (you’ll never believe this) sexist. For a finale, she literally had the DNC put the fix in for her next go-around, so she could then trip over her own dick against Trump.
Look, I’m not even a big Sanders guy. His gun control (or lack thereof) shit bothers me. Even if his ideals line up fairly well with mine, it’s impossible to be pushing 80 and not be out of touch to a considerable extent. He should go be old somewhere and use his influence to bolster the further left candidates. Even if Warren is already older than I’d like, at least she’s younger than the imbecile currently in charge, and she feels about 50 years younger than Bernie. The narratives are shit. I’ll put my support behind whichever seems most willing to do shit to help the most marginalized people with the least possibility of them pandering to banks or fake liberal billionaires, and who don’t buy into the status quo when it comes to things like our legal system or interventionist bullshit.
I don’t see a reason why I wouldn’t vote for Warren. She’s too Liberal for me, but she genuinely feels like she wants to make the country better. I just disagree on the how and why.
I’d prefer to wait until the Ohio Primary rolls around to see which Democrat get my vote for “Close Enough”.
I am similarly ok with Warren, she’s not “as more liberal” compared to me, but I worry about her raw political ability.
She’s my 2nd choice after Harris.
I’ll probably actually volunteer for Harris.
Stalking and volunteering are different, man.
“I’d like to poke her hontas.”
https://www.msn.com/en-us/news/politics/former-vice-president-cheney-challenges-pence-at-private-retreat-compares-trumps-foreign-policy-to-obamas-approach/ar-BBUDXmX?ocid=spartanntp
I’m suddenly on the same side as Dick Cheney. How’d this happen?
There only a few people on this planet I believe are genuinely evil (with a capital E) and Dick Cheney is one of them. Erik Prince is another.
I don’t give a shit what Dick Cheney has to say about *anything* and I was even opposed to a movie like Vice because even thought it didn’t portray him in a positive light, it probably humanizes him more than he deserves.
I know. That’s why I’m scared to be on his side!
Try to be to the side and slightly behind. Less likely to get shot that way.
I believe there are many many more. They’re just far too cowardly to do anything other than promise their souls to men who do have the guts to execute their hate.
Those ones get a small e.
I’d still like him to shoot Pence in the face, and the way he usually does it, not that lemon party way.
found a funny:
ME: Want some popcorn?
DATE: [reaches into tub of popcorn on my lap] WHAT THE?!
ME: [winks]
DATE: [pulling out pizza slice] I love you
I feel for everyone who was affected by the Daylight Savings switch, because I know how that one hour difference can have such a negative impact and can cause a lot anguish and adjustment pains stretching through the following work week.
So here’s some cute kittens wrestling, you whining bunch of fucking soft-headed pussies:
I keep trying to upvote this again, but it does not work.
As someone who went to NMU, this one warmed my heart. Howard Schultz is one of the least useful billionaires on the planet and I thoroughly enjoy watching people drag him.
https://theconcourse.deadspin.com/northern-michigan-university-alum-howard-schultz-wants-1833078582
My favorite part of this is that the campus Starbucks in 2005 was like a dollar more expensive across the board from any that I’d been in on the east coast. I would say the quality was worse, but that would be hard and I doubt they were gonna put that much effort into it.
What follows is so fucking awful. Higher education is corrupt as all Hell, but public universities are a special type of fucked from my own experience. Bastards.
They literally censored their newspaper and fired the fucking professor to protect a potential future donation when Schultz won’t even acknowledge he ever went to the fucking school. NMU fucked up so bad in the 10’s and just kept doubling down until people were being straight up told to avoid it.
https://www.thecut.com/2016/09/a-school-is-threatening-to-punish-its-suicidal-students.html
JFC
If I told the NMU administrators to kill themselves, do you think they’d keep it to themselves?
Daylight Saving Time is awesome and we should stay there permanently.
It’s the change that fucks everything up.
I don’t understand the whole, lets keep Daylight Savings Time permanent thing. We’ve already moved the clocked forward. If we don’t move it back in the fall, we’ve would’ve only had 8759 hours instead of the full 8760. What about the missing 0.01%? You want all of history to thing 2019 was the Year of the Quitters?
That one hour knows what it did to be erased from history…
What’s the point of Daylight Savings Time again? What’s the difference between farmers starting the day at 6:00 EST instead of 7:00 EDT?
Farmers are the fucking worst.
I can see someone’s trysts at Farmer’s Only did not go well.
I got Voracek suspended, and traded Erik Karlsson for Mika Zabinejad (non keeper League), and I’m still within striking distance of first place. This year’s hockey pool has been a rollercoaster.
Jesus, daylight savings was brutal today
So you’re the asshole who did it.
I truly, deeply, from the bottom of my charred and blackened soul, fucking haaaaaaate Daylight Savin–
Today truly was miserable. Very tired, plus random, uh, stomach issues. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO OFFEND YOU, GOD OF SOLID POOPS???
I’m the opposite. I don’t know what I did to earn this extended Bought of Regularity, but I didn’t earn it.
We own a Patterdale Terrier. Glad I didn’t get a Wofford Terrier. The food bills would be ginormous.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OaSlo8tKEp0
Hilarious. Superb.
Monday Things to Think About:
– What if my dog only bring back the ball because he think I like throwing it?
– If poison is past its expiry day, is it more poisonous or less poisonous?
– What letter is silent in “scent”, the S or the C?
– Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
– Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 year to fully work.
– Every time you clean something, you just made something dirty.
– The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.
– Intentionally losing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors is just as hard as trying to win.
EXPIRY is a terrorist word. Speak English, commie.
Expiry is an British entomology, you bloody wanker!
As he said: a terrorist word.
These are awesome!
I want to say less poisonous?
As opposed to Tampa Bay, where you are given the plague.
I love how he leans in a draws out PLAAAGUE.
Gotta feel a bit for Blake Bortles, but he knew coming into the league that you can work out at noon, you can work out at night, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t have those juices flowing down there in the Mr. Torpedo area, in the fun zone.
Blake Bortles boner barely bothered Becky’s butt.
Becky’s butt bends bratwurst briskly.
Becky’s buns don’t want none unless you got an anaconda, hon!
Yeah, the converse doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as the original.
INT. PICKUP TRUCK CABIN – NIGHT
BORTLES: Do you know who I am?
JOHN ELWAY: No.
BORTLES: My name is Blake Bortles.
JOHN ELWAY: [shakes his head, displaying no recognition] Nah. Well…you’re just a quarterback…and I’m just helping you out…
NHL free streaming game of the night is still subject to blackout restrictions, for some reason. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?
Bettman?
Clearly Gary Bettman