Your “Free Agents Ain’t Free” Monday Evening Open Thread

Beerguyrob

Beerguyrob

A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
Beerguyrob

NFL Nuggets:

  • Free agency negotiations opened at noon ET today.
    • Already known: (up to 5:15PM ET)
      • The Raiders will sign Trent Brown away from the Patriots for 4 years/$66 million.
      • Frank Gore will sign with the Bills for one-year at $2 million.
      • Trey Flowers will sign with the Lions for five years at up to $85 million.
      • Landon Collins will leave the Giants for the [Redacteds] for 6-years at $84 million.
      • Kwon Alexander will sign with the Niners for 4 years at $54 million.
      • Nick Foles is expected to sign a four-year, $88 million deal with the Jags.
        • Worth up to $102 million with incentives.
        • Just before the signing on Wednesday, the Jags will release Blake Bortles.
        • Ape has the appropriate take on this:

  • Nothing can become official until the new league year starts at 4:00PM ET on Wednesday.
  • Danny Amendola is now a Lion.
    • Miami cut him Friday, which allowed him to sign before the new league year starts.
    • He rejoins former Patriots coach Matt Patricia as a “locker room” guy.
  • Tampa is trading DeSean Jackson to the Eagles.
    • Ape is two-for-two, having the right take on this as well:


Tonight’s sports:

  • NHL:
    • Sharks at Wild – 8:00PM | NBCSN / Sportsnet
    • Jets, Leafs & Oilers are all regional broadcasts only
  • NBA:
    • Raptors at Cavs – 7:30PM | TSN / NBATV
    • Celtics at Clippers – 10:30PM | TSN / NBATV
  • NCAA:
    • Men’s:
      • Southern Conference Basketball Tournament:
        • The championship – 7:00PM | ESPN
      • Horizon League Basketball Tournament:
        • Wright State vs. Wisconsin (Green Bay) – 7:00PM | ESPNU
        • Northern Kentucky vs. Oakland – 9:00PM | ESPNU
      • MAAC Basketball Tournament:
        • The championship – 9:00PM | ESPN2
      • West Coast Basketball Tournament:
        • A semifinal – 9:00PM | ESPN
    • Women’s:
      • Big 12 Women’s Basketball Tournament:
        • The championship – 9:00PM | FS1
  • WWE:
    • Monday Night RAW – 8:00PM | USA / Sportsnet360
      • It’s four weeks to Wrestlemania.

Free agency only gets crazier tomorrow, and there’s still some big money to be spent. WHO WILL BECOME SEATTLE’S KICKER?

Beerguyrob
Beerguyrob
A Canadian man-child of indeterminate age, he stays young by selling alcohol at sporting events and yelling at the patrons he serves. Their rage nourishes his soul, and their tips pay for his numerous trips to various sporting events.
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Moose -The End Is Well NighBrick MeathookALXMACCol. Duke LaCrossWakezilla Recent comment authors
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Wakezilla

Lana has lost her Russian accent over the years. Weird.

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Wakezilla

Please please please work

https://gfycat.com/FondLinedGraywolf

Wakezilla

God damnit!

Well, to slack troubleshooting I go.

theeWeeBabySeamus

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

theeWeeBabySeamus

He was awesome.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

So this is why people watch The Magicians.
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theeWeeBabySeamus

Wellll….helloooooo…..

ALXMAC
ALXMAC
Wakezilla

She looks like a really good magician

theeWeeBabySeamus

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’ve got all the ingredients and I’m going to make these tacos now, based entirely on this gif. I don’t even know where it originated from so the gif is my only guide. I’m going to make it in an Instant Pot so I just have to convert to “cook flank steak” mode and everything should be fine. That’s the theory. It looks pretty hard to fuck up.

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I wholeheartedly endorse this product and/or service.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

One question: Hard or Soft?

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I’ve got uncooked soft tortillas that I’m going to put on a cast iron griddle, and my dick is as hard as a Mark-48 torpedo.

ALXMAC
ALXMAC

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Just a reminder, if you’re flexible to do the splits, you’re flexible enough to wash your damn feet

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ballsofsteelandfury

PREACH!!

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

Or maybe sweep the floor once in a while.

Wakezilla

Poopy

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

*sigh*
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Wakezilla

I swear I’ve done this before. How do you do this? Apparently, the old way no longer works

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I converted it to a gif for you. It’s all good.

The sigh was me being salty about la señora here.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised
Wakezilla

OK, but how did you do that? Both gfycat and twdownload didnt work.

I copy the link, pasted it into both, and then click download. The link they give you is the link that shows the gif. What am I missing?

Wakezilla

/checks Rangers/Oilers box score

well shit, that helps everyone but me

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I’m a Bernie Bro until he dies or I find somebody better (spoiler: I won’t. I’m not even super into Bernie, but fuck it.).

Col. Duke LaCross

The potentially new Col. Duchess LaCross (still pretty early in the relationship) is all-in on Bernie. Already has a 2020 shirt and everything. I’m kinda backing Harris or Biden right now but she doesn’t know that. Hopefully this doesn’t become an issue down the road.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

Zinedine Zidane returning to Real Madrid knowing he has a war chest to spend on transfers and has total control of the decisions.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

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BrettFavresColonoscopy

THIS APE I CALL HIM VAL KILMER PLAYING JIM MORRISON BECAUSE HE’S THE TRUE STAR OF THE DOORS (FLYING OPEN)

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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ALXMAC
ALXMAC

I just saw a Botox commercial targeted at Millennials on cable TV. THE END IS NIGH!!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Let’s all have fun while we still can.

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I admire the big one’s persistence in spite of seemingly being neutered.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Speaking of Botox, I just saw a recent Lisa Ann clip and she doesn’t even look like the same person.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Committed to the bit.

Senor Weaselo

Ice Giants need to stop losing in overtime and start losing in regulation.

blaxabbath

Time’s valuable these days!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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blaxabbath

I stopped reading it a few years back but I’m back on penny arcade. I think that is a really good comic.

One of my favorite things about internet entertainment— like, not big corporate-generated crap — like here is that it usually doesn’t drop off in humor like most network/Netflix comedies where they get a good season or two then change writers and chase some unfunny story arc.

Except the mother site, unfortunately.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Mother site? Guilt.com?

theeWeeBabySeamus

blaxabbath

1) Cardinals to deal Rosen for AB-level scraps.
2) Carfs draft Kyler Murray
3) Cards sign Blake Bortles to mentor Kyler
4) Murray goes down in camp
5) Blake Bortles second-comings Kurt Warner a decade later?

Absolutely not but the local sports hacks will sell it!

Fronkenshteen

“Big mistake!”

– Farley Fasserley

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

But how’s her hand speed? I don’t want my dick to get ripped off.
— R. Kraft

Fronkenshteen

RAIN-JUHS!!!!

Senor Weaselo

Lemieux with the Howe hatty!

blaxabbath

I think the most used word on the Bachelor is truly.

Fronkenshteen

The irony

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Tonight my wife came up with the “innovation” of adding cheese to a couscous/vegetable medley. I’m beginning to regret having left Yeah Right at the altar.

blaxabbath

“KETCHUP!”

-Donald Trump, while mushroom cap deep in his own daughter

Gratliff

FFS Why are we remaking Pet Sematary now? The first attempt was perfectly cromulent.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I said that very same thing yesterday.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You know why.

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Fronkenshteen

Like Ted Striker over Macho Grande.

ballsofsteelandfury

I don’t think he’ll ever get over Macho Grande…

Fronkenshteen

I love you.

No homo.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Thanks for the compliment…wait, ‘cromulent’ means good, right?” – Michael Vick

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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nomonkeyfun

Ooooooh, hipster gymnastics.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s just for the circus; no need to go the “let’s blame the hipsters.” route.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Fronkenshteen

Gives birth like a t-shirt cannon.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

You know my cousin’s wife?

Wakezilla

God damnit Ice Giants, you shouldn’t be losing to Ice Polite Slurs.

/Flips table.

Gratliff

No, this is good actually

Wakezilla

Well, those assholes can at least lose with Zabini-jihad scoring me some goals, damnit!

Fronkenshteen

Not wiffout Zuke.

Senor Weaselo

Lose for… well, probably still the 8th or 9th pick and not Hughes.

Wakezilla

Currently watching new Grinch movie with ToddlerZilla and it’s obvious that the Grinch doesn’t not like Christmas, he hates white people for assaulting his green ass whenever he enters a white space to buy food. As soon as he enters Whoville, white Whovillians are on him like white on rice

Gratliff

Thanks for playing along, Montreal. We’ll see you guys again in October.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Wakezilla

What do you mean? Habs aren’t playing today.

Gratliff

…This commercial for 9-1-1 on Fox literally involves a shark attack on a highway. Stop making these fucking shows already.

WCS

But Uproxx says it’s the craziest show on TV!

Gratliff

I like to think Brian Grubb takes a shot every time he sees that out of context

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m sure they will listen to you over the ratings they get for this shit.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Pimpbot 5000: Origins

King Hippo

Speaking of the whole Presidential thingamabob, my nomination selection process is twofold:

1) Who would likely be a good executive, based on temperament and experience?

There, I give Harris and Warren equally high marks.

2) Who has good/threshold raw political talent?

I have Harris as a strong leader here, but Booker, Beto, and Biden (if the latter two run) are also really good at politics.

I need to see more from Warren on item #2, but if she runs a campaign that dispatches both Sanders and Harris, that will go a long way in impressing me.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I am going to read that article about how to beat procrastination later.

King Hippo

hey man, the world could end any minute now

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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King Hippo

cool, I was looking for sommet to masturbate my rabbit with

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Ummmm……

King Hippo

Like Wes Miller’s neck, looks like UNC-G will come up just a little short.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Chris Cornell does not recommend the alternative.

King Hippo

a Pretty Noose reference? NICE!

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

That’s knot mine. Low hanging ….. fruit.

Redshirt

https://www.cincinnati.com/story/sports/columnists/paul-daugherty/2019/03/11/paul-daugherty-column-cincinnati-bengals-new-dey/3134365002/

Factory of Sameness has really picked up the ball ever since their sister factory had production issues.

blaxabbath

Bengals use Dey like Kaep uses 7.

Redshirt

Actually its only two “Seize the Dey” and “New Dey”. They’re trying to win back the fans, but Dey failing.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The football guy I read (other than all of the football guys here) has been absolutely savaging the Bengals’ free agent signings.

Redshirt

Which one? The below average OT whose three settings are “False Start”, “Holding” or “Let the Rusher Kill the QB” or the Backup TE we overpaid for?

blaxabbath

Very funny.

blaxabbath

I like Elizabeth Warren. I mean, when we’ve reached the point where we don’t really care about policy and we just trust the judgement of the chief executive, it sure seems to make sense that someone who actually gets economics and wants to see the markets work for the middle class would be the pragmatist most-suited to take on the task. Relative to the guy who says slowing to a 20K jobs gain is “a blip to ignore” — as if an indicator isn’t an indicator when you aren’t taking into account bullshit political agendas loaded with promises that are never expected to come true in the first place.

Gratliff

I like Warren a lot in this cycle, especially if Bernie drops early and puts his full support behind her. If she can stop doing goofy bullshit, she may actually overtake the centrists. Gonna be a whole ass year of Indian jokes from Trump if that happens, though, and it’s gonna be hard to not just snap on random people.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Warren is too old. Sanders is too old. Trump is too old. STOP ELECTING THESE FUCKING FOSSILS ALREADY.

blaxabbath

Jared Kushner 2020! Time for youth and TS clearances!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

There’s a reason the gap exists between Bernie and AOC. It’s because people our age got suckered by the Clintons and centrism, which I can confirm based on all but one person of the Gen Xers I know who’ve won elections or even gotten into politics. It’s a tragedy.

Redshirt

Warren in the debate to Trump: “The only Trail of Tears I’m interested in is the one you leave when you leave the White House on January 20, 2021.”

King Hippo

Bernie drop out early and put his full support behind a woman who stole his thunder – that’s a good funny. 😀

Gratliff

Ah yes, Bernie, the most awful sexist in the Dem primaries since Barack Obama, according to Hillary Clinton supporters, who actively ignore that she ran a blatant racist, xenophobic, and Islamophobic campaign against Obama in 2008, then went and voted for McCain at twice the rate Sanders supporters voted for Trump because Obama won because he was being (you’ll never believe this) sexist. For a finale, she literally had the DNC put the fix in for her next go-around, so she could then trip over her own dick against Trump.

Look, I’m not even a big Sanders guy. His gun control (or lack thereof) shit bothers me. Even if his ideals line up fairly well with mine, it’s impossible to be pushing 80 and not be out of touch to a considerable extent. He should go be old somewhere and use his influence to bolster the further left candidates. Even if Warren is already older than I’d like, at least she’s younger than the imbecile currently in charge, and she feels about 50 years younger than Bernie. The narratives are shit. I’ll put my support behind whichever seems most willing to do shit to help the most marginalized people with the least possibility of them pandering to banks or fake liberal billionaires, and who don’t buy into the status quo when it comes to things like our legal system or interventionist bullshit.

Redshirt

I don’t see a reason why I wouldn’t vote for Warren. She’s too Liberal for me, but she genuinely feels like she wants to make the country better. I just disagree on the how and why.

I’d prefer to wait until the Ohio Primary rolls around to see which Democrat get my vote for “Close Enough”.

King Hippo

I am similarly ok with Warren, she’s not “as more liberal” compared to me, but I worry about her raw political ability.

She’s my 2nd choice after Harris.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

I’ll probably actually volunteer for Harris.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Stalking and volunteering are different, man.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

“I’d like to poke her hontas.”

Redshirt
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

There only a few people on this planet I believe are genuinely evil (with a capital E) and Dick Cheney is one of them. Erik Prince is another.

I don’t give a shit what Dick Cheney has to say about *anything* and I was even opposed to a movie like Vice because even thought it didn’t portray him in a positive light, it probably humanizes him more than he deserves.

Redshirt

I know. That’s why I’m scared to be on his side!

Gratliff

Try to be to the side and slightly behind. Less likely to get shot that way.

blaxabbath

I believe there are many many more. They’re just far too cowardly to do anything other than promise their souls to men who do have the guts to execute their hate.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Those ones get a small e.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’d still like him to shoot Pence in the face, and the way he usually does it, not that lemon party way.

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
ME: Want some popcorn?
DATE: [reaches into tub of popcorn on my lap] WHAT THE?!
ME: [winks]
DATE: [pulling out pizza slice] I love you

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

I feel for everyone who was affected by the Daylight Savings switch, because I know how that one hour difference can have such a negative impact and can cause a lot anguish and adjustment pains stretching through the following work week.

So here’s some cute kittens wrestling, you whining bunch of fucking soft-headed pussies:

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I keep trying to upvote this again, but it does not work.

Gratliff

As someone who went to NMU, this one warmed my heart. Howard Schultz is one of the least useful billionaires on the planet and I thoroughly enjoy watching people drag him.
https://theconcourse.deadspin.com/northern-michigan-university-alum-howard-schultz-wants-1833078582

Gratliff

My favorite part of this is that the campus Starbucks in 2005 was like a dollar more expensive across the board from any that I’d been in on the east coast. I would say the quality was worse, but that would be hard and I doubt they were gonna put that much effort into it.
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

What follows is so fucking awful. Higher education is corrupt as all Hell, but public universities are a special type of fucked from my own experience. Bastards.

Gratliff

They literally censored their newspaper and fired the fucking professor to protect a potential future donation when Schultz won’t even acknowledge he ever went to the fucking school. NMU fucked up so bad in the 10’s and just kept doubling down until people were being straight up told to avoid it.
https://www.thecut.com/2016/09/a-school-is-threatening-to-punish-its-suicidal-students.html

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

JFC

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

If I told the NMU administrators to kill themselves, do you think they’d keep it to themselves?

ballsofsteelandfury

Daylight Saving Time is awesome and we should stay there permanently.

It’s the change that fucks everything up.

Redshirt

I don’t understand the whole, lets keep Daylight Savings Time permanent thing. We’ve already moved the clocked forward. If we don’t move it back in the fall, we’ve would’ve only had 8759 hours instead of the full 8760. What about the missing 0.01%? You want all of history to thing 2019 was the Year of the Quitters?

ballsofsteelandfury

That one hour knows what it did to be erased from history…

Redshirt

What’s the point of Daylight Savings Time again? What’s the difference between farmers starting the day at 6:00 EST instead of 7:00 EDT?

Horatio Cornblower

Farmers are the fucking worst.

litre_cola

I can see someone’s trysts at Farmer’s Only did not go well.

Wakezilla

I got Voracek suspended, and traded Erik Karlsson for Mika Zabinejad (non keeper League), and I’m still within striking distance of first place. This year’s hockey pool has been a rollercoaster.

Jesus, daylight savings was brutal today

Gratliff

So you’re the asshole who did it.
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I truly, deeply, from the bottom of my charred and blackened soul, fucking haaaaaaate Daylight Savin–
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SonOfSpam

Today truly was miserable. Very tired, plus random, uh, stomach issues. WHAT THE HELL DID I DO TO OFFEND YOU, GOD OF SOLID POOPS???

Redshirt

I’m the opposite. I don’t know what I did to earn this extended Bought of Regularity, but I didn’t earn it.

SonOfSpam

We own a Patterdale Terrier. Glad I didn’t get a Wofford Terrier. The food bills would be ginormous.

theeWeeBabySeamus

litre_cola

Hilarious. Superb.

Redshirt

Monday Things to Think About:

– What if my dog only bring back the ball because he think I like throwing it?
– If poison is past its expiry day, is it more poisonous or less poisonous?
– What letter is silent in “scent”, the S or the C?
– Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
– Maybe oxygen is slowly killing you and it just takes 75-100 year to fully work.
– Every time you clean something, you just made something dirty.
– The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims”.
– Intentionally losing a game of Rock, Paper, Scissors is just as hard as trying to win.

SonOfSpam

EXPIRY is a terrorist word. Speak English, commie.

Redshirt

Expiry is an British entomology, you bloody wanker!

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

As he said: a terrorist word.

ballsofsteelandfury

These are awesome!

litre_cola

I want to say less poisonous?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

As opposed to Tampa Bay, where you are given the plague.

WCS

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I love how he leans in a draws out PLAAAGUE.

Porky Prime
Porky Prime

Gotta feel a bit for Blake Bortles, but he knew coming into the league that you can work out at noon, you can work out at night, but it doesn’t matter if you don’t have those juices flowing down there in the Mr. Torpedo area, in the fun zone.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Blake Bortles boner barely bothered Becky’s butt.

SonOfSpam

Becky’s butt bends bratwurst briskly.

Senor Weaselo

Becky’s buns don’t want none unless you got an anaconda, hon!

Yeah, the converse doesn’t roll off the tongue as well as the original.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

INT. PICKUP TRUCK CABIN – NIGHT

BORTLES: Do you know who I am?

JOHN ELWAY: No.

BORTLES: My name is Blake Bortles.

JOHN ELWAY: [shakes his head, displaying no recognition] Nah. Well…you’re just a quarterback…and I’m just helping you out…

herodotus450
herodotus450

NHL free streaming game of the night is still subject to blackout restrictions, for some reason. Who are the ad wizards that came up with that one?

Senor Weaselo

Bettman?

Wakezilla

Clearly Gary Bettman