Your “It’s Opening Day You Sumb*tches” Midday Open Thread

theeWeeBabySeamus

theeWeeBabySeamus

An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it’s a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles.When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
theeWeeBabySeamus

I’m not going to get verbose here.

Wow you guys are sooooooo mean.

Anywhoooo….

It’s baseball’s opening day.  As I type this I’m watching the Yankees kick the shit out of my Orioles.  Which isn’t a surprise exactly, but I was hoping for a miracle.

A minimum of 120 losses this year.  Mark my words.

Anywhoooo….

If you’re watching baseball, talk about it here.

If you’re not watching baseball, talk about it here.

If you’re watching porn…..maybe don’t talk about it here.

😀

theeWeeBabySeamus
theeWeeBabySeamus
An unapologetic, even if often manic-depressive (it's a requirement given his choices of sports teams), fan of NC State University, the Baltimore Ravens and the Baltimore Orioles. When not parked in front of the computer and/or TV, can often be found on the golf course shouting obscenities to no one in particular.
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UnsurprisedRedshirtHoratio CornblowerGratliffBrick Meathook Recent comment authors
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Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Gratliff

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Gratliff
Gratliff

Why the fuck is it so hard for leagues and TV networks to figure out sports streams? If I’m logged in with my cable account, and everything works fine during game play, I shouldn’t then have my video stopped and get yelled at to disable an ad blocker and refresh because they insist on having a separate stream coming from a shitty advertiser CDN.

Redshirt

Just your standard 14-pitch, 10 foul-balls-in-a-row last batter to win the game.

WCS

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Nailed it!
— Mark Sanchez

Redshirt

Live shot at the Cincinnati Reds

Horatio Cornblower

Unfortunately they built a new one.

Redshirt

Hey at least Great American Ball Park looks like a ball park.

Paul Brown Stadium looks like it was designed by someone on crack. And maintained too.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m not foolish enough to think that this game means that the Yankees are going to go 162-0, but I do think that the “Orioles” might go 0-162.

Brick Meathook
Brick Meathook

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

That is perfection.

Redshirt

…and that is why you don’t see many two-inning saves.

WCS

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Wakezilla

These reliever pitchers, I call Jim Levenstein because they blow their load early and before 2 rounds.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

INT. BILL BELICHICK’S OFFICE – DAY

GREG SCHIANO steps into the office.

BELICHICK: [offers a rare smile] What’s going on, Greg?

SCHIANO: [smiles back instinctively, but then the smile runs away from his face] Bill, I believe this is killing me…

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

BELICHICK [Sighs] Which strain?

Redshirt

♬ As a smile ran away from his face ♬

If I couldn’t I would’ve give you so many +1s.

Unsurprised
Unsurprised

INT. BILL BELICHICK’S OFFICE – DAY

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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!
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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Fuck baseball.

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WCS

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

I assume the night thread is baseball WAGS, so let’s prime the pump.

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Redshirt

The Reds have a Relief Pitcher playing Center Field in the 8th inning of a non-blowout game!

Redshirt

Cincinnati Bullpen: “Boy, we suck!”
Pittsburgh Bullpen: “Hold our sunflower seeds…”

rockingdog
rockingdog

LOL

rockingdog
rockingdog

found a funny:
*crowded sports bar with 17 TVs

“COULD YOU CHANGE ONE TO CARTOON NETWORK?”

WCS

rockingdog
rockingdog

yea gooo PADRES!!!!comment image

Redshirt

Okay. NOW its Reds Opening Day!

SonOfSpam

Padres shutting out the Giants in the 6th; since Low Commander is in attendance, which is the likeliest possibility?

1) Low Commander is completely sober
2) Low Commander is under arrest
3) Low Commander is in a committed relationship with the Padres’ mascot (i.e. homeless guy begging for change outside the stadium wearing a knock-off “Podrays” t-shirt

rockingdog
rockingdog

2!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

4) Low Commander is working field security for the game.
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Gratliff

Judging by social media exploding, it sounds as though Phillies did a thing. Only, uh, 7 months of near daily games left.

SonOfSpam

Braves’ reliever just gave up a grand slam; according to the ESPN box score, his ERA is “INF”

Redshirt

Shouldn’t that be four infinities?

SonOfSpam

It’s actually short for “INFINITIVE” as in “To calculate an ERA, this fucker has to get someone out.”

Redshirt

Its part of his plan. If he doesn’t record an out, he won’t get an ERA over 20 to start the season.

SonOfSpam

Trout’s 0 for 2 with a walk. NICE JERB EARNING $430 MILLION JERK. Angels should cut him. Then kick him off the team.

yeah right

Why haven’t I learned after this many years to take opening day off from work?

That’s OK because I’ll miss the first 2 sweet sixteen games too.

Shit!

yeah right

Holy crap 2 HRs for Javy on Opening Day!

SonOfSpam

Semien just homered for the A’s and the fans are going ape.

Redshirt

Ape? They’re going full Homo erectus!

SonOfSpam

Well, they do seem excited when the guys grip their bats.

Redshirt

Pittsburgh Steelers: “We are know for our defense.”
Pittsburgh Pirates: “What is defense?”

litre_cola

Orioles have them right where they want them like last year.

Redshirt

How in the hell do you lose someone in a rundown? He can only run a straight line between 2nd and 1st base and he gets back to first?

Sharkbait

Looks like the Patriots won’t be Schiano men after all.

Redshirt
SonOfSpam

Could just be one really hot 12 year old.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s a hell of a professional development day!

Redshirt

AH! FLYING BAT!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Redshirt

Its Marty Brennaman’s last Opening Day. It feels like an era of my life is ending.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Think he’ll notice?

LemonJello
LemonJello

Baste…ball?
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blaxabbath

I enjoyed that scene.

Mostly because it meant that part of the film’s storyline had come to a close.

Redshirt

Yes, because hitting something with the force FASTER THAN THE SPEED OF LIGHT would only caused a trench the size of the projectile. Everyone on that ship is dead and maybe everyone on the planet.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It seems like it would be pretty easy to argue that it hadn’t reached lightspeed yet.

Redshirt

I don’t know. That seemed faster than light to me. At the minimum, that ship and everyone on it should be dead and Episode IX would be better because of it.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Here’s a way to look at it. You can’t jump to lightspeed/hyperspace in an asteroid field because something like this would happen as you’re accelerating (plus gravitational effects from the asteroids would make it hard to avoid a collision even if the path ahead is clear). But once you’re *in* hyperspace you don’t interact with matter at all, so you don’t really have to worry about whether or not there’s asteroid fields (or anything else) between you and your ultimate destination.

Redshirt

Ah, okay. Now I get it.

blaxabbath

No you don’t. Stop letting RTD use his words on you!!

Redshirt

No. I went to Wookiepedia to confirm. Hyperspace is an alternate dimension ships go to when they go FTL. Its not like Star Trek where they use subspace as an asspull but still stay in space-space when they go FTL.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Does Wookiepedia actually say the same thing? Not to brag, but I made that up myself. Take that, nerds!

Game Time Decision

Itz a flesh wound. Fight me, you coward.

Redshirt

That’s what I like about Opening Day. Even the Visiting Team gets Pre-Game On Field Introductions.

Redshirt

I’m opposed to rolling up the large field size American flag. Fold it properly. Its in the Flag Code.

Senor Weaselo

Apparently the last Game of Thrones throne was found… and it was in Queens. You mean I could have copped myself a throne despite never watching an episode or reading a page of the book if only I had gone to Bayside and walked through Fort Totten?

Senor Weaselo
LemonJello
LemonJello

I thought there could be only one? Or am I thinking of something else?

Sharkbait

blaxabbath

I am not watching anything. I am working.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not even pornography? Look at Mr. Professionalism over here.

Redshirt

That’s what five minute breaks are for.

Sharkbait

Or working from home.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Or telling your secretary to close the office door and check out this video of adorable kittens…what, it was just a joke! Listen, if I can’t fire my secretary for failing to treat an incident of sexual harrassment for the joke that it was, what CAN I fire her for?

Redshirt

(sighs; pinches bridge of nose)

Once again, its not that you invited her to watch the kittens with the door closed, its that you phrased it as “Hey, check out these cute pussies I found on the internet!”

LemonJello
LemonJello

Five minutes? Oh, hey errybody, look at the marathon man over here!

Braggart.

Redshirt

You not supposed to factor in the tearful apologies, shame, regret and nap?

LemonJello
LemonJello

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Unsurprised
Unsurprised

Gain some weight. Sure, it’s because weight-based ED is real, but it definitely means that you will last longer – in fact, last so long that you often debate whether to quit or keep going because of the sunk-cost fallacy.

Seriously, I found the weight threshold for me. I went under it and then above it when I stopped my diet because it wasn’t working well enough and now I’ve gone full circle back to eating shit all week. But I need to fix this.

ANYWAY …

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Senor Weaselo

Wait, tWBS is from Houston?

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Me disfruto el beisbol!

Redshirt

Regardless of what ESPN, CBS and MLB says, its not Opening Day until the Reds take the field.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Not to get all Godwin’s Law, but Hitler said pretty much exactly the same thing while his armies advanced on Stalingrad.

Sharkbait

What’s the record for losses in a season?

SonOfSpam

120 by the NY Mets, who are my favorite squadron.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

How’s it hangin’?

SonOfSpam

Low and lazy!

Senor Weaselo

’62 Mets had 120 which is the modern record. The 1899 Cleveland Spiders went 20-134 but the owners owned them and St. Louis so they moved all the good players to St. Louis (including some Cy Young guy). And a bunch of the Spiders home games. And called the Spiders a sideshow.

Horatio Cornblower

Whatever the Orioles finish with this year.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

SonOfSpam

If I wanted to listen to some chick sing God Bless America in the 7th inning, I’d dig up Kate Smith and have sex with her, mostly because I’m a necrophiliac.

Senor Weaselo

Worse than the ’62 Mets you say? But there are guys I’ve heard on on the O’s! Who aren’t totally useless! (I’m looking at you Chris Davis.)