Good evening my hilarious Door Flies Open family. I’ve been tapped to create an Open Thread for tonight’s festivities, to of course give our army of brigands a place to let loose and make their assorted dick jokes and gif drops.
In what I’m going to watch news, I am 3 episodes into The Boys on Amazon and I am ready for more really inappropriate superhero action, probably followed by another episode of Holey Moley, which is awesome.
What the heck is happening tonight in sports?
After the Mets (wait, they’ve won 10 of 11?) knocked off the Marlins in the opener of a doubleheader, we have a fairly full slate of based-on-balls tonight.
Already in progress as I write this are the:
Yankees at Orioles
Brewers at Pirates
Rangers at Indians
White Sox at Tigers
Royals at Red Sox
Angels at Reds
Blue Jays at Rays
Marlins at Mets in the second half of the doubleheader
A’s at Cubs
and
Braves at Twins
If you’re still waiting, you’re probably watching
Phillies at Diamondbacks at 8:40
Nationals at Giants at 8:45
or if you’re really smart like old Internet Dad
Cardinals at Dodgers at 9:10
Question: does pro wrestling count here? If so, Monday Night Raw is happening?
It’s going to be a long night in the Morris house, but we’ll get through it together.
Now, to THE OPEN THREAD
Dolphins preview; coming up.
Atomic.
“This just in.”
“Errr, down.”
Need anything at the store?
CLEANUP ON AISLE 7!!!!!!
Great, now I have to go get a Larson book off the shelf.
Notice in the first paragraph the Washington Post says that Kennedy was shot “in the right temple.”
From the grassy knoll!
Am I the only one starting thing Brick has too much weed on hand?
And remember, it’s ME saying this.
That’s far from too much. There’s a reason he had to run to the store the other night.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EwPnJXXX5Ic
guys…Brick must have been teh SECOND SHOOTER
Evening lizard people. I played a show where one of the songs was called “White Girl Wasted” and another was a cover of the link below. And how are all of you?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=amffOYclBD8
questioning your life choices too, eh?
And where is this white girl right now?
/asking foar a friend
I dunno, I nearly got a stray elbow from it.
Sherman?
Anna Kournikova is apparently married to Enrique Eglesias.
When the fuck did that happen?
2001?
That makes for some weird ass babies.
“Weird ass” is just emphasizing weird. I suppose their asses might be weird, but would expect the genetics to have them predisposed to great asses, but crazy in the head.
They’re actually NOT married. They have kids together, but are not married.
Here’s my Civil War Atlas, originally published by the War Department in the 1890s.
If you need to know about some battle just ask me dude.
What was the strategic importance of the Battle of Cannabis?
is very nice
I am mad enough at #BFIB management that I am actively rooting for this crazy cat man to no-hit us. He’s over halfway there.
The Hippo reverse jinx delivers!
#LosingTheRightWay
I do love me some Wonger (PHRASING), so if it was gonna get broken up, glad is him
I was going through my old hockey cards today and was delighted by some of the old names.
Btw, do you think anyone other than Anna Kournikova would be interested in a Pavel Bure rookie card in mint condition?
My retirement is banking on my hockey and baseball cards. Anyone want an Eric Davis rookie? He had quick twitch muscles.
And colon cancer, IIRC
this is the most Canadia thing I ever heard a Mexican say
I’ve got a card for Anna Kournikova.
It’s not in mint condition, but it still works.
meh, I preferred the other one. Better shoulders, and could actually play el tenis
She’s too tall.
Although she does grunt a lot, which is kind of a turn on.
I approve of both the height and the grunting
We are talking about Sharapova, yes?
She is better the Kourny IMO, but I likes em tall.
I thought you liked ’em big and red.
yes, I can never remember her name. But she is close to the Hippo Ideal
Yeah you’ve got the height to handle her. Assuming she’s wearing flats.
But Kournikova could wear three inch heels and I could still push her down the stairs without much difficulty if I had to.
(relax everyone…..it’s a joke)
How do melatonin, wine, cold medicine, and allergy medicine mix? I’ll let you know in the morning. Maybe.
hey, 3p is morning somewhere
Is it cool or pathetic that I wrote down a strategy for my next game of 2048 Bricks complete with diagrams?
It’s cool, right? Yeah. Super cool.
Totally!
So there’s an old joke about an Irishman who catches a leprechaun and is granted three wishes. With his first wish, he asks for a pint of Guinness. He drinks it down, then watches with astonishment as it immediately refills itself. It’s literally a bottomless glass of Guinness.
“Well?” says the leprechaun. “I haven’t got all day. Let’s get on with the second wish.”
“Fair enough,” says the delighted Irishman. “I think I’ll have another one o’ these.”
I would like one of those glasses right now.
Perfectly logical. Got to think of your drinking buddies.
I know that spritzers are trendy as hell, and I’m no doubt influenced by the Lillet billboards I drive by every day, but damn if I haven’t been enjoying a simple Lillet Rose and Lacroix this summer. Isn’t going to get the job done if you’re in a serious drinking mood, but it’s a nice warmup…
We keep a bottle of Lillet Blanc in the fridge, normally for Vesper martini purposes. I’ll have to give this a try.
Hedge fund Gawker Media? HAHAHA
I always remember when Daulerio was a giant asshole in court and completely tanked their chances of winning that case.
Edit: and also when it came out he had no assets and was dead-ass broke and couldn’t pay restitution
Everything about that guy was a disaster and probably still is.
I binge-watched all of Season One of The Boys over the last week. Spoiler-free review: it’s (obviously) watchable, and at times pretty good, but I find the tone kind of jumps all over the place. Sometimes it’s trying to be a smart deconstruction a la Watchmen, sometimes it’s just straight-up satire, sometimes it’s gonzo just-have-fun-and-don’t-think-too-hard, and sometimes it’s trying to be sweet and emotional. It doesn’t quite work…. and yet, I still kept watching. (I am not familiar with the source comic series.)
I’m going to give it a try sometime soon. Probably once we finish Love Island. I can’t help but love these idiotic goofballs.
That describes Garth Ennis’s oeuvre perfectly.
So actually I spent close to $300 on eBay last night buying old magazines. It was all spurred on because I bought an October 2019 issue of MAD at Ralphs on a whim, just because it was there and I hadn’t bought one in decades (and this might be the last one printed, or next to last). So I just started buying vintage MADs and National Lampoons, of which I already own quite a few great ones.
I bought the Catch-22 issue (March 1971) just for Mort Drucker’s artwork; the classic “kill this dog” cover (often referred to as one of the greatest magazine covers ever) was the most expensive, but it’s classed as “collectible – very fine”; and then the binder is the entire 1971 run of National Lampoon in it’s Doug Kenney heyday. Oddly enough, in 1971 there were not one but two MAD parodies in National Lampoon: the August 1971 cover and the November 1971 entire issue.
I got a theme going on here. And these ain’t going anywhere but up in price. If you’d like to get out of the stock market and purchase a solid investment, I’ll sell all of these to you for $700. See how fast they appreciate! Don’t miss the boat!
I’ll buy anything with Don Martin cartoons.
(I won’t but damn did I love me some Mad as a kid.)
After today, I *do* kind of want to get out of the stock market. I suppose a better day to have done so would have been last week.
I just tell myself that I’m in it for the long haul — I care about where the market will be in 20-30 years, not what it does this month.
Still doesn’t stop me from looking at my monthly statements and getting pissed off or happy depending on what happened, though.
Bullshit. You blew it all on Hustlers.
Literally and figuratively.
Speaking of Hustler, as a new Angeleno you have to go see something at the Saban Theater in Beverly Hills. They validate parking in the Flynt Building next door, where down in the garage is a limousine parking spot with the sign “Reserved for Larry Flynt Jr.” It’s a handicapped spot, of course.
Is that an “adult” theater?
Extremely adult
I’m actually watching Little League. Sheeeesh.
How Jerry Sandusky am I?
Williamsport isn’t that far from Happy Valley bucko
can make that drive with one hand on the wheel amirite?
Smooth sailing once you get past the first mile
Cody Bellinger has an incredibly beautiful, violent swing
So…if anyone is thinking about getting into the stock market…take the under.
shut up tarifs are good maga wwg1wga
Reds go into 9th inning leading 7-2, with the closer getting the day off.
Now its 7-4, and the closer’s now in.
Los Doyers’ starting pitcher has 14 cats. Even I think that’s a little excessive.
The garden has coughed up its first couple of anaheim chilis, so tonight we’re having turkey burgers with roast chilis and cold beer. Lots of beer.
Spectacular. Hatch chiles are a-comin’ to the Southland this month. You gonna get some? (heh, “get some”)
No. It’s just anaheims and fresnos right now, with some other sweet bell peppers on the way and maybe poblanos if the seedling survive, but it will be quite a while.
Damn, the Teen Tournament stories on Jeopardy are even worse than the adult nerds’.
I tried out for Jeopardy! and did well but they said I couldn’t be on the show because I was “too cool.”
Yeah, you gotta be a real zero to make it to taping. Next time wear floods.
You can be on Wheel of Fortune as long as you have a wonderful spouse and/or kids.
Also, Vanna is still pretty hot.
The crickets outside my window have gotten loud to the point it’s tough to pick what keeps me up at night: the heat or the noise. I finally went and got some glue traps and put them outside. I am very excited to find the carnage in the morning.
THE BOLTMAN SPIRIT IS WITHIN YOU.
(Do you not have A/C?)
if not, one would have to imagine a nice noisy fan is essential
A/C is actually pretty rare in coastal California. Oh we got heaters though.
I just installed one… In my living room… And I’m not too happy with it either.
found a funny:
[me and another dad pretending to switch insurance info and laughing]
bumper car operator: back in the cars
Restless legs acted up again last night, so I didn’t fall asleep until about 5:15 AM. Got up at 7. Work was a bit of a slog.
There are plenty of people who don’t believe “restless legs” are a thing, but I am prepared to murder anyone who expresses that opinion to my face right now.
“Restless legs” are a very real thing, and the best treatment is to do some serious leg stretches.
To prevent “restless legs” you should stop jerking off so much. That’s what causes it.
Yeah, but my wife can’t get to asleep without the gentle squeaking of the springs and the rhythmic rolling of the mattress. It’s like being on a houseboat, right down to the gentle spray of foam on one’s back.
Again, I had no sleep last night.
Are you possibly in opiate withdrawal? Uh….a friend told me about that experience.
Nah. No drugs here. Been seriously considering edibles for sleep purposes, but I don’t wanna get dependent on anything. But tell your “friend” thanks for asking.
If you need help with the stretching, you can always seek out the help of trained professionals
2 run shot, Orioles down by three now.
I think I’ll go get drunk.
You don’t need an excuse. You already made it through a day.
Brett Gardner (Yanks CF) looks like he might be a white supremacist.
I’m not saying he is. He just looks like….maybe…..
White baseball players are generally less educated than other sports’ athletes, so this tracks.
They can’t tell time, but they are able to count past four.
Ty Cobb has a word for you, sir.
but his English ain’t so good.
Seemed like a great guy.
having coached a great deal of youth el beisbol (my little brother was a much better player than I), this checks out. The stupids, not that I had any actual white supremacists.
So you’re saying his Yanks hat has a lot more red in it than it should?
Oh, Wandy Peralta really needs to be released. Out of an airplane. With an anvil in place of the parachute.
Definitely a fair ball.
Good Jorb.
What’s the rule on Umpire Interference?
In a perfect world: the death penalty
Yes, it is me who fucked up tonight.
Ooooops?
I get the impression some people at The Onion, on top of having a shitty CEO/private equity leech piece of shit owner, are really REALLY fucking pissed about something.
whatever gets us MOAR and/or faster bloodletting, mah cracker ass is all fer it
DID SOMEONE SAY BLOODLETTING?!
Indeed, I very quickly thought of him, and an epic guitar solo followed
Season’s getting close. Sacrifices must be prepared.
It’s just funny because everyone is so full of shit it’s not even funny to follow anymore.
Had my Benadryl nap, so I’m sound for late nite #BFIB/Doyers action.
Also, I can get +9.75 (that’s almost 10 to 1 in Heathen English) on PSG to win the Champions League. I am already pulling for them because of the just-acquired from Everton Idrissa Gana Gueye (he was a gentleman about the whole process, and nary a Blue soul begrudges Gana from making his dream move).
What say yeeeeeewwww?
Luis Castillo got 13 Ks. Reds have 6-2 lead with two innings to go. It may not be enough.
nah, Trout ain’t gonna hit 5 HRs in 2 innings. And the rest of them SoCal degenerates is butt.
HEY!
That is true. But Trout’s HR was real purdy.
one would think you’d have to affirmatively TRY to assemble a non-playoff roster around a dude that freaking good.
As a longtime roto baseball geek, I feel I could do a not-worse job as the Angels’ GM than most of the rubbish they’ve employed.
That’s an exaggeration, but not by a lot.
13 Ks. They must be really fucking racist.
Having ripped myself away from WoW again, I’ve filled the void with Gundam aka “Get to the fucking robots already”. I don’t think I’ll ever outgrow goofy giant robots fucking shit up.
It’s a GUNDAM!!!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6lvJ6eFcCJE
“Hmmm, what should the main character of my story be named… Heero? It’s subtle, but I like it.”
G Gundam was my favorite, because it’s somehow even more over the top and hilariously racist.
LIBERTY CANNON, FIRE!
Just so incredibly goofy and I can’t not laugh at the finger bang finishers.
“THIS HAND OF MINE IS BURNING RED! ERUPTING BURNING FINGER!”
Mark Sanchez is considering legal (she showed him her id, honest!) action for stealing his move “finger bang finishers.”
Pro wrestling is more of a sport than baseball.
What would you do for $24,000?
https://www.cnn.com/2019/08/05/health/man-circumcised-mistake-scli-gbr-intl/index.html
He’s 70. What does it matter at this point?
(Wait. What’s the average age of the Kommentariat again?)
As an already circumcised man, not that. Definitely not that.
Huh. Didn’t feel circumcised.
(You were asleep so it’s not gay.)
Well not for him, at least.
Rule applies for all participants. Check the manual.
Bob’s Burgers reruns are always an excellent viewing choice.
I love you, but you’re all terrible.
#TruthInParenting