“Hey Wakey, did you catch the Dolphins game?” a friend on Facebook will ask me, presumably with a shit eating grin on their face because they saw on the sports ticker that Miami lost their second straight game by over 6 touchdowns.
For the second straight week, I will have answered with “Fuck no. What is wrong with you? Why would I waste my time watching a team purposely trying to go 0-16?”

If it’s not some smartass, it’s someone from work expressing their sympathies to me for supporting an alleged professional football team.

Much has happened since I wrote my Dolphins preview. Shortly after I wrote this season’s preview, Miami’s primary owner, Stephen Ross got sniff of my Pulitzer prize winning piece and realized that the Dolphins were too good to fail. Consequently, he traded Miami’s best o-lineman, Laremy Tunsil–despite players threatening to revolt if Tunsil were to be traded– Kinko Alonso got traded to New Orleans and Miami’s #1 receiver, Kenny Stills was also moved to Houston. In case you’re wondering, yes, Miami traded Stills because of his criticisms of Jay Z signing with the NFL. The Aristocrats!

Once the trade occurred, I thought about writing an obituary to Fitzmagic and Rosen because both QBs’s are clearly going to die before this season is over. However, there’s no way in hell I’d know when that would actually happen because this team is going out of their way to tank and I can’t be bothered to watch them play. Also, 2 Dolphins posts in a span of a week is too much for a team that is as relevant as a microwave dinner joke. (Take THAT, Swanson!)

Of course, I don’t feel bad about not watching the Dolphins, as the fan base isn’t attending games. According to ESPN, Miami has sold out both games. Yet, if you look at the crowds. . .

They make LA Clippers home games look like they’re a sell out crowd at the Rose Bowl. In other words, people who have paid to go to watch a Dolphins game, believe it is far better to do something else with their time than to go to a game they paid to see. Who can blame this fan base? Including this season, Miami is officially 2 games under .500 over the past 25 years. As expected, reports of the games are that the football is dreadful and is on par with an XFL team (Miami) playing against NFL teams. If Miami had an XFL team during the first incarnation, I’d imagine they’d be called the Bad Guys or Chicos, in tribute to Scott Hall/Razor Ramon. But I digress.

With that said, I am fair. Realizing I have influence on a hapless franchise, here is a list of demands that the Dolphins must comply before I–and the 7 other Miami Dolphins fans– watch a game of theirs this season.

1) Make at least 90% of the plays called be trick plays: If you’re purposely going to lose, at least call a shit ton of fun plays instead of draws and short 5 yard passes. I want to see end arounds, double reverse passes, statue of liberty, flea flickers, half back passes, the fumblerooski, The Oopty Oop, the annexation of Puerto Rico, any trick play Boise State ran to beat Oklahoma at the 2007 Fiesta Bowl, and The Miracle in Miami on a regular basis.

Fuck New England.

As we know, football’s origins is from rugby. What not a lot of people know is that many of those rugby plays are still legal, but never called. In the CFL, there’s a play where the QB throws the ball downfield to the receiver, who catches the ball. Then the receiver punts the ball further downfield and any player on his team that is behind him before the kick, can field the ball (which is live) and regain possession. I guarantee you that is still legal in the NFL. Lets see that happen before Bill Belichick reads this post and uses it to win this year’s Superb Owl against New Orleans.

B) Sign Colin Kaepernick: Lets be real. At this point, Kaep hasn’t played in 3 years, so he isn’t going to be good–especially behind that O-line. Let him return in a feel good story and give the NFL some good PR for once. At the very least, people will buy his jersey to wear, while others will buy and burn his jersey because Derp. Either way, more money is made.

III) Sign her:

DM me if you can do this. For research purposes https://t.co/wEQbNyi6Es

— Sam Yeezy (@samstaydipped) September 12, 2019

That’s just really impressive.

Q) Build towards becoming THE Bad Guys: Due to its importance in the market, Miami really should be a team that consistently makes the playoffs. But their identity should be different than those turds, the P*ts. Therefore, I propose that the Dolphins gradually build to become the NFL equivalence of the 80’s Miami Hurricanes. If they can’t win on the field, at least be dirty as fuck and beat them on the streets. I want to see cheap shots and swagger, damnit!

$) Just sign a bunch of CFL all-stars to play on the team: Truth be told, there has been a lot of years where I tuned in to see how Miami’s most recent CFL signing panned out. Signing former Roughriders LB, Sam Eguavoen to a contract is a start, but I want more Kanadian Kontent, damnit! Around the last time Miami went 1-15, they turned to the CFL and signed an absolute beast named Cam Wake. Lets do that, but for all positions. They’ll be cheaper at first and best of all, if Miami is going to lose, I can reminisce about how awesome these players were playing for whichever CFL franchise.

8) Make the cast of “Last Chance U” a feeder for this team: Similarly to making Miami the bad guys with a lot of swagger, Miami can’t trade all their players for draft picks without replacing some of them. Enter, Last Chance U. Can a lot of these players on the show actually make the NFL? No. But most of the Dolphins don’t belong in the NFL either, so call it a wash. Anyone who followed Bobby Bruce’s journey is going to tune in and watch him playing for the Dolphins. Ronald Ollie just got cut by the Raiders, so, why not sign him? John Franklin III wont leave the Bears for a chance to play with the Dolphins, but if he wanted to play QB, the opportunity will be there shortly. Then there’s Isaiah Wright, a guy who recently finished serving his time for murder and will have no problems playing halfback. Finally, ankle breaker Carlos Thompson went undrafted, which means he’s right there! C’mon Miami!

R) Protect Xavien Howard and Minkah Fitzpatrick at all costs: Well, fuck.  Apparently, acquiring young talent for the rebuild in order to trade said young talent for the rebuild is Miami’s rebuilding plans.

VIII) Bring back Flipper: A real life Dolphin trained to jump in the tank when a touchdown or field goal was scored? That’s pretty cool and I want to see that. Also, having a tank present will remind the Dolphins of their end goal.

9) Start showing the drama: In a span of two weeks, Miami has had players threaten a mutiny and threatened to quit after a game. I can’t imagine how incredibly toxic their environment must be, but I hear Jonathan Martin is starting to think that his time in Miami wasn’t all that bad compared to this dumpster fire. Ergo, it would be must watch TV.

J) Create a Loser-Bowl playoffs: Essentially, put all the teams who don’t make the playoffs and place them in a playoffs, where the team that wins the tournament gets the first pick. For easy math, we’ll make 16 teams make the Superb Owl playoffs, so the remaining 16 teams that miss the playoffs play for the #1 pick.

11) Never let Kalen Ballage play again:

Look at his “highlight” film!

@heathcummingssr Here is your Kalen Ballage montage as requested pic.twitter.com/dR3I3wfHCT

— Steve Dillon (@pittsbrgh4ever) September 17, 2019

Even Michael J Fox has better control of his hands.

On second thought, that is a pretty good impersonation of how the Simpsons portrayed the Denver Broncos over 20 years ago. Maybe he should play every down for the humoUr. Shit, I’m torn.

So, there you go, Miami. The ball is in your court. If you’re going to get blown out by 40+ points every week, fine. If you’re going to be on pace for being on the wrong side of history– like being on pace to give up 816 points (previous record was 533) and score 80 points (previous record is 140), so be it.

But at least make it worth tuning in. Until then, I’ll see you next year.

Love,

Wakezilla