Your “Look Who Came Crawling Back!” Thursday Night Football

Yeah, Melvin Gordon is back in the cranky, hardline bosom of the Spanos family. It’s about time a rich white cabal won a showdown against a lone black dude. I feel as though the universe has come back into balance. To no one’s surprise, Rikki’s Austin Ekeler shares are tanking.

Going over the numbers, this doesn’t look like a bananacakes game but maybe we could have a bananabread tilt? The kind of bananabread that is just a little bit warm, warm enough that the generous pat of (unsalted) butter melts gently over the surface. The kind that has that crust that is a bit crunchy-not burned but has sat in the oven just a minute or two longer than the recipe suggests. Where was I?… Oh, right. TO THE GAME!

Eagles/Pack:

Fantasy dudes are whining that qb Rodgers is a dud so far but it should be noted that he’s played 3 of the top 5 D’s from last year. Wagerers are taking note that Rodgers is a minor god-like 62-10 at home over the course of his career. He should get well vs. a Philly team that has not recorded a single sack from a defensive end so far this year. “But at least their secondary is keeping things tight”, is a line that no one who follows the club closely has said this year. It’s remarkably easy to pass on this unit. Like, 300 yards plus per game easy.

Maybe the Eagles offense might come to the rescue tonight? Geez, I guess it could happen. However DJax is out, Goedart has a calf issue, Arcega-Whiteside has a heel thing and Alshon is also calving. Ertz should get all the balls he wants and more this evening.

As the Mennonites like to say, “Make hay folks!”.

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Horatio Cornblower

A US player just got a red card in rugby, which to me is like a Viking get a red card during a raid on a monastery.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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King Hippo

fuck Brittfar and fuck his ded father too

Unsurprised

Fuck one with the other

Gratliff

Birds didn’t even pretend to respect the run fake. Very humorous.

Horatio Cornblower

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ballsofsteelandfury

Does nobody run the fucking ball anymore?

litre_cola

Eagles do.

Gatoraids

Inability they didn’t even try to run the football

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

I’ll bet a basketball player could have jumped for that ball. Just sayin

litre_cola

Or a fish catcher for that matter.

Gratliff

GOAL LINE STAND BAYBEE

litre_cola

Bahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Horatio Cornblower

Troy threw alley-oops to Michael Irvin because Irvin would stab the CB in the neck with scissors just as he started his leap.

Fun fact from the ’90’s.

Mr. Ayo

Is McCarthy still calling plays?

Just do the QB sneak.

Horatio Cornblower

McCarthy would have punted.

King Hippo

throw 4 times from the 1, eventually it will fool ’em!

WCS

One can relieve Green Bay of McCarthy, but, one cannot take the McCarty out of Green Bay.

WCS

BLEERGH FEASTS

Unsurprised
Viva La Tabula Raza

Not your normal TNF game tonight. I mean, it seems somewhat competitive.

litre_cola

I am still awake, that says something.

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

Yeah Jordan Howard thats it, keep putting up those points on my bench

Gratliff

Ya’ll might wanna do some run blitzing

Mr. Ayo

Or run stopping. Or run defensing of any sort.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Stage One of beer marg pitcher is complete, just emptied the pitcher into the mug to start Stage Two. I will either pass out soon or go on a mechanical rager out in the garage if this game begins to suck. But to my great surprise and delight, that doesn’t seem to be what’s going to be happening.

Mr. Ayo

OPI! Throw the flag!

King Hippo

wait, so that challenge wasn’t even a 3rd down play??

Gratliff

DPI Challenge: The new Timeout

King Hippo

I like Mike Periera

Unsurprised

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Gratliff

Definitely worth the 50% chance the gator just decides to eat you instead

Viva La Tabula Raza
litre_cola

MOAR DELAYS

Horatio Cornblower

We’ve finished tonight’s quota of Proper 12 and are rewarding our tastebuds with some Basil Hayden’s.

Gratliff

FFS. If they didn’t overturn the last one, they’re not gonna call this one.

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

Wait wait wait, are you telling me that pro FOOTBALL player Jimmy Graham used to play BASKETBALL?! Why am I just now hearing about this??

litre_cola

I am going to blow your mind. The throw fish at Pike’s Market in Seattle.

Rodney_Peete_is_1337

What’s next, they put french fries on sandwiches in Pittsburgh?!

Gratliff

Can’t Defend The Run vs. Can’t Defend the Pass: Who ya got!?

Spur

a tie wold be ok.

Horatio Cornblower

I see Steve Austin invested his wrestling money well.

Gatoraids

Nfl owners assigned these refs to this game to give whistle blowers a bad name

Viva La Tabula Raza

WHISTLEBLOWERS BAD! DICKBLOWERS GOOD! (got your back, Stormy, nudge nudge wink wink)
—Sentient orange overflowing colostomy bag

Unsurprised

Jimmy Haslam approves

Sharkbait

MVS again?

Horatio Cornblower

Jimmy Graham!? The basketball player!?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Did he go to Harvard?

King Hippo

I like to think that everything A.A. Ron does is specifically designed to irk Spur.

Horatio Cornblower

Did Spur want to bang Danica?

King Hippo

had an erotic dream once, A.A. Ron totes picked up on it

theeWeeBabySeamus

[Slowly raises hand]
Is Olivia Munn still available?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’m not sure how picky everyone here is, but it seems most everyone that I have encountered here would want to bang Danica. (Not sure about Dok Zymm’s preferences, so I should not make that all-inclusive).

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Shit, rereading the lead in, I totally forgot to try and trade Austin Ekeler

Horatio Cornblower

I’ll trade you Mitch Trubisky for him.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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BOLTMAN WILL TRADE YOU A MYSTERY BAG OF HUMAN ORGANS AND A PAIR OF FEMURS THAT USED TO BELONG TO NATE KAEDING!

Spur

Incoming “Rodgers hand is hurt” excuse.

Col. Duke LaCross

English Announcer: “It’s punting time!”

All announcers should use this from now on.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, but who has a boat?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Joost make sure you fleece the fookin’ punters for all they will give up.

Horatio Cornblower

Drinking some of Conor McGregor’s Proper #12 and it tastes exactly how you’d think it would.

My son got it for me for Father’s Day as a joke and I’m determined to finish it. I think this is the 4th time I’ve poured a shot or two out of it.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Dude, just mix it.

Horatio Cornblower

With what? Better whisky?

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

I mean, anything?

WCS

So, it tastes like sweat and steroids. Noted.

Horatio Cornblower

If only. It’s not remotely interesting. Really fookin’ bland. LCSS is right, it’s only real use is as a mixer.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Floyd Mayweather Jr. thinks you should have just bought a 40 of Colt 45.

Sharkbait

M. V. S

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Let me hear you say hey if you have Jordan Howard on your bench!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Hey

Mr. Ayo

Who!?

King Hippo

say HOLLA bitches!!

Viva La Tabula Raza

I’ve still got PTSD about a guy name of Desmond Howard.
—70s-80s-90s Patriots fan.

WCS

PRETENDERS BEEOTCH

(the band, not the Packers…well, maybe both)

Horatio Cornblower
Viva La Tabula Raza

I love how she dug Ray Davies, sang “I Go to Sleep” by Ray Davies, fucked Ray Davies, married Ray Davies, had Ray Davies baby, and dumped Ray Davies. I guess she wanted a kinky baby. I have no idea as to whether their offspring is some kind of musical genius, which is I guess what she was working at. Off to the google with me!

Horatio Cornblower

I thought she married the guy from Simple Minds, although I suppose she could do both.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Mr. Know-It-All (wiki) says not a marriage, apparently just a shack job.

Davies had a relationship with Chrissie Hynde of The Pretenders during the 1980s, and their daughter is named Natalie Rae Hynde. Davies is bisexual.

I’d have done Chrissie back in the 80s. Probably would today (see other comment re: Jane Fonda.)

Horatio Cornblower

Guy bangs Chrissie Hynde and a ballet dancer and he’s bisexual? Dude, I don’t want to judge, but you’re just being greedy.

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Lo-lo-lo-lo-Lola.”
He wasn’t very fucking subtle about the bisex thing.

King Hippo

HUZZAH, my money league foe kept Dakota Jeebus on his bench!!

Gratliff

4 days of listening to people talk about how the Packers D was taking them to the super bowl

Horatio Cornblower

If US Rugby were in charge of the defense during the American Revolution we’d all be speaking English right now.

Sharkbait

Right-o

Mr. Ayo

Pip, pip!

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Viva La Tabula Raza

Crabman is so fucking cool.

Spur

all the free socialized medicine

Game Time Decision

But you’d have right proper spelling

Viva La Tabula Raza

Aluminium and it’s associated silverish colour would agree.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Is there a different Philly firefighter that could adopt Alshon?

litre_cola

That was totally a penalty.

Sharkbait

Football or Hockey?

litre_cola

On the Eagles. I do not understand what a catch is and now what pass interference is.

Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

Roger Goodell: Excellent.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Gratliff

Look man, I don’t understand how any of this works

Sharkbait

Ok, throw to him again, but make it catch-able.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Evening. I was just saying football needed more stoppages for review.

Gratliff

NFL execs high-fiving as the internet melts down every time they challenge a PI because it slows down the game and not because they wanted more ad revenue like they did when they first came up with the idea

Gratliff

MOAR CHALLENGE

Horatio Cornblower

England is up 14-0 in Rugby World Cup, (assuming I haven’t stumbled on a re-run), and while I’m not quite sure what I’m looking for I suspect that this is what a snuff film looks like.

Sharkbait

You have.

Horatio Cornblower

Lemme guess: The ‘Mericans aren’t gonna come back and win this one, are they?

Viva La Tabula Raza

“Hold my cognac.”
—Marquis de LaFayette
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Low Commander of the Super Soldiers

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Viva La Tabula Raza

I really wish that the lovely African American ladies that the networks hire to do sideline commentary would all start wearing Angela Davis afros. That would be fucking cool, and would trigger the fuck out of a certain segment of this country’s population, much to my delight.

jjfozz

That would be epic. Just don’t give the “ok” sign because that means you’re a white supremacist.

Viva La Tabula Raza

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Oh wait, I meant
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Viva La Tabula Raza

I forgot that it might also show some backhanded support for that afro-wearing flag-defiling communist socialist fascist nazi who goes by that obviously subversive Jamaican/Western African sobriquet of Kaepernick.