Your “It’s Four O’Clock, Do You Know Where Your Games Are?” NFL Football Open Thread

They’re right here where they always are you silly billy! We at Door Flies Open would never let you down. No matter how bad the tilt or the reffing or the blatant ass-kissing or the mythologizing, we’ll continue to bring you a barely adequate platform onto which you can blither away. It’s what we do!

TO THE GAMES!

Chargers/Titans:

I gave up on Hunter Henry two weeks ago and he repaid me with 2 TD’s and a 100 yard spot last week. Both he and the moon are harsh mistresses. From the first row of seats at the 50 yard line all the to the highest spot in the bleachers, from the bowels of the internet to the front page of the Nashville Warbler, the cry of “If You Don’t Mind, We’d Like Someone Else At Qb Please”. And lo, the Vrabel capitulated. Now they’ll be entertained by 2 yard screen passes and 4 yard crossing routes by Mr. Tannehill. Be careful what you bellyache for, you just might get it.

Saints/Bears:

It’s been a long way back but qb Teddybear Waterbridge is in form. He’s got a nice free agent contract headed his way after the season and I couldn’t be happier for the guy. Truth Biscuit is a game time decision which might be a bad thing if you’re a Bears wr. Speaking of, your *Sneaky Play of the Week* is Anthony Miller because he has run the most routes out of the slot and that’s where hybrid turnstile/pylon P.J. Williams plays.

Ravens/Seahawks:

‘Tis odd to see a Baltimore D that engages in sieve-like qualities and odds aren’t great that they’ll right the colander-ship against the multi-dimensional juggerback that is Russell Wilson. Perhaps the troika of Lamar!, Andrews and Ingram can match Seattle score for score but I’m sure the latter’s D has noticed that of Lamar!’s 5 Intercepts, 4 have come when targeting Andrews.

Whoop-de-Doo! Go you!

 

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King Hippo

kick a FG, u NOE u want 2

Horatio Cornblower

I feel like these survivors should be given something more than the opportunity to be photographs next to this nightmare fuel mutant cowboy

https://pbs.twimg.com/media/EHW3w9pWwAYzl6Y?format=jpg&name=small

Gratliff

Respect to the 6 women who’ve met Greg Hardy and lived to tell of it

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Lots of garbage time points for anyone playing Tarik Cohen

King Hippo

too bad I ain’t play him over the corpse of Frank Gore…

Brocky

Gotta find the silver lining somehow

King Hippo

8 catches for 15 yards – and YEAH – that is the silver lining

BrettFavresColonoscopy

PPR leagues skew your reality

King Hippo

PPR garbage time is THE BEST

Gratliff

lol how the hell is football night in america rated tv-14? Is there an offhand chance of tits I’m not aware of?

King Hippo

One of those crude negroes might say a swear that offends a minister in Mississippi!

Gratliff

Bet it’s a throwback to owens daring to be in the same room with a semi nekkid white woman

King Hippo

This Iggles Impaginary Pal gets it!!

Senor Weaselo

Hot mic!

King Hippo

The iDEAL outcome for that Tits/Clips ending would have been FUMBRE with no clear recovery, but play not blown ded until after 0:11 so 10 second runoff ends it.

King Hippo

Gonna need 0.45 out of DAK! and the P*ts D/ST to beat DonT now. Watch me not get it.

Gratliff

Feel like letting Flacco go for Jackson is working out

BrettFavresColonoscopy

“No it isn’t. ”

John E., Denver

King Hippo

And only FOAR a worthless 4th round draft pick too!

/Hippo screams further into the void

Senor Weaselo

Good evening lizard people. Valuable lesson of the day: If the only thing you’ve eaten all day is a bagel that you decided to turbocharge with malice, don’t commiseration drink.

Gratliff

lol my guy putting him in a sleeper hold while he watches his fumble get snatched up

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Ooooh, the old pump fake to throw it to the line of scrimmage move. Good job truth biscuit

Gratliff

SUDDEN CHANGEISH

BrettFavresColonoscopy

The Bears are running a great offense if they were down 4 and trying to make a steady comeback drive.

King Hippo

BANANACAKES DELUXE

Brocky

This bears game has completely destroyed my attention span.

I’ve spent the last 2 hours convinced I was crazy because my brother says he has 3 cats. I’ve only seen 2. They keep walking around.

Just now 2 of em walked in front of me and they’re near identical. Like how did I not figure this out earlier.

This bears team is making me talk about cats.

King Hippo

But cats are pretty fucking great.

Horatio Cornblower

Christ, the first 23 seconds of this…(I’ll take Things My Wife Said On Our Honeymoon for $1600, Alex)

https://twitter.com/i/status/1185238427337449473

Gratliff

I simply can not wrap my head around using Gary Glitter for anything other than target practice in 2019

Senor Weaselo

Luckily we have Sandstorm, Kernkraft 400, and Seven Nation Army!

Gratliff

um what the fuck is going on in Tennessee?

Brocky

Racism, incest, and bachelorette parties.

Possibly all at the same time

King Hippo

BLEERGH. BLEERGH. everywhar a BLEERGH

King Hippo

JEEEEEEEEEEBUS, Clippers

King Hippo

Will the 12s React Reasonably?

King Hippo

And we go LIVE to Puerto Rico for post-game react…

/Hippo dies

Gratliff

Oh man. I want Lamar to get one of these endings today. That fucking car crash behind him is maybe the single most lasting memory of anything I’ve seen in the NFL.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KGz-vjn6mCs

Gratliff

Another classic
comment image

Viva La Tabula Raza

I hope Fox switches over to the BAL-SEA game after the next NO TD. This sucks.

King Hippo

How does N’Awlins ALREADY have the ball back?

Gratliff

That’s a bad spot. There’s no way that’s not a first.

King Hippo

he needed like Brittfar inches

BrettFavresColonoscopy

BRING OUT THE CROCS

King Hippo

BETTER CHALLENGE THE SPOT

King Hippo

Fouts wouldn’t run a play, because he has shit for brains

King Hippo

Being short bones the Clippers du Merde, Tits convert here and they can run out all but like 30 seconds.

Horatio Cornblower

What the fuck even was that play?

King Hippo

WOW, what a bullshit call. NFL tripling down on “No Touching the QB” this week.

Gratliff

lol hill vulturing from a backup RB is peak Taysom Hill bullshit

BrettFavresColonoscopy

INORITE?!?!

King Hippo

Sean Payton does NAE care for one’s fantasy footballing

Horatio Cornblower

Maybe offer him a bounty for every TD your guy scores? Payton’s big on bounties.

King Hippo

WOW. Q3 almost over, and the Bearistocrats! have FOUR FIRST DOWNS ALL GAME, AT HOME.

Horatio Cornblower

THIS BEARS’ OFFENSE I CALL IT THE ARTERIES OF THEIR FANS, BECAUSE THEY’RE BOTH MOVING ABOUT AS WELL AS THE OTHER!!!

ArmedandHammered

unlike the offensive line, at least the arteries are blocking something.

Horatio Cornblower

You’re following my lead block quite well on that one, unlike anything going on with Chicago.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

2 yards in the quarter

Gratliff

Look man, at least you won’t have to worry about missing any kicks in the playoffs. Bright side and whatnot.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Holy Shit, Marmalard passed to Ekeler for a TD! I’m a witch? Let’s see it again?

Horatio Cornblower

My wife is leaving to visit family in CA tomorrow. She went grocery shopping today because she’s convinced that the kids and I can’t feed ourselves for a week. Like we don’t know how to order pizza.

Anyway, the last time she was gone my daughter and I got our hands on a couple of skeletons, (Scotchy said he was done with them and that it would be better if they were farther away from him, whatever that means), and when my wife came home we had one of them set up at the kitchen table with a spoon and an empty cereal bowl and the other stretched out in front of the open refrigerator.

Apparently we’re not as funny as we think we are.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Where in Cali? I can’t think of anything nicer and more likely to freak out lady BFC than us helping out Mrs. Cornblower on a visit to LA.

Horatio Cornblower

Her father lives in Orange County.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Gross. But that isn’t far from Torrance. Is she checking a bag?

Horatio Cornblower

I’m not sure what she’s doing with her stepmother.

HEY-O!!!
I’ll DM you further details. She’s much less creepy than I am so Lady BFC would probably be fine.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m on the road half the week so I probably can’t actually be that helpful, but if she needs anything in LA or an ICE, call yeahright. Or us, whatever.

King Hippo

goodamn, that’s Great Family Hustle.

Viva La Tabula Raza

What kind of name is Tayson? Is that shit from the Bible or something?

Gratliff

It’s Taysom, sir. Tayson’s his sister, probably.

Horatio Cornblower

It seems like the kind of name the whitest couple you know would pick because they wanted something gender-neutral, and yet…

King Hippo

he ain’t even play for DALLAS!

Gratliff

“Fuck it. I’ll do it myself.” – Lamar Jackson

King Hippo

No doubt. Lamar! is all Bobby Big Bollocks today (even MOAR than usual)

Fronkenshteen

TWO drops by Andrews!

Charge of the Light Brigade

HOW THE HELL YA DOIN’ BOYS! Just bounced in to say I don’t know how yet but I really wish I could dress up as watching-the-Bills-play-a-football-game this Halloween. Just pants-shittingly terrifying.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Holy shit, you’re still alive?

Charge of the Light Brigade

Only mostly dead.

yeah right

Turns out you were just in Nebraska.

King Hippo

Huzzah! That game was indeed baffling. Was Timothy Leary part Bills Mafia?

Charge of the Light Brigade

He’s all of them.

Horatio Cornblower

The fuck is this guy?

Gratliff

And now running back who isn’t Mark Ingram. What the actual fuck, Ravens

BrettFavresColonoscopy

That attempt from Lutz wouldn’t have made it from 45

King Hippo

My kicker in both leagues. He NEVAR misses, so he’s missed twice today.

Gratliff

Fucking white guy who isn’t Mark Andrews. I want to speak to your manager

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

(relevant to earlier, but just thought of it now)

THIS AARON RODGERS I CALL HIM JOSEPH N. WELCH BECAUSE HE IS MAKING MCCARTHY LOOK LIKE THE BIGGEST IDIOT IN AMERICAN HISTORY ON NATIONAL TELEVISION AND WILL PROBABLY DRIVE HIM TO AN EARLY DEATH VIA ALCOHOLISM.

King Hippo

Alcoholism via BlueBunny

BrettFavresColonoscopy

How do we make that true for Lindsey Graham and the rest of the modern McCarthy morons?

Don T

Let’s settle for the diabetus. The amputation one.

Horatio Cornblower

This is the most I’ve watched da’ Bears in years and I have to say, Trubisky is really bad.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Not as bad as Nagy’s playcalling, but I can’t disagree with the top line

Horatio Cornblower

speaking of lines, the Chicago offensive line seems to be more of a theory than an actual thing.

ArmedandHammered

Like dark matter we know it’s there, but it does not seem to interact with any sort of matter.

King Hippo

his shoulder is borked, so he’s having to rely on his wits. This is what results.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah except I’m not sure it’s just his shoulder

King Hippo

League also kind of caught up with the OKC Bomber and Nagy schemes.

Horatio Cornblower

How bad can the back-up be?
/holds ear piece
Daniels? Chase Daniels? Carry on then.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

You have now summarized my bye week update, minus the masturbating bear

King Hippo

Suffice to say, we all still came for the masturbating bear. Wait…

Col. Duke LaCross

This is fucking pathetic.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I am so glad I didn’t fly back for this game

BrettFavresColonoscopy

McManis thinks he’s McManus:
comment image

Viva La Tabula Raza

Oh for shit’s sake.

hippofant

Is Kamara injured?

Should I have noticed whether Kamara was injured or not by now?

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Yeah, he was ruled out pregame, but the Bears haven’t noticed either

Gratliff

Yes and no

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This game makes me glad I’m drinking 8.1% beer

SonOfSpam

Parkey just doinked an extra point.

PARKEY JUST DOINKED AN EXTRA POINT!

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THESE BEARS I CALL THEM BEARS ON A HUNTING PRESERVE BECAUSE THEY’RE GETTING SLAUGHTERED AND HAVE NO PLACE ELSE TO GO

Viva La Tabula Raza

Apropos of nothing but the last name of the Saints QB, my dad and half my family graduated from Bridgewater State University. Most notable alumni:

Robert Stack, actor and former host of Unsolved Mysteries
Karl Wiedergott, voice actor on The Simpsons

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Bridgewater_State_University