Your “FINALLY!” Sunday Night Football Open Thread

Back in the summer I had an idea. “Always look ahead”, my dad said and that advice has served me oh-so-well. I dropped in on a few sermons at various churches so I could get the lay of the land as it were. The first was St. Vincent’s, a newer place on the outskirts of town. As I suspected, the parish-goers were well-to-do and they weren’t really interested in getting their hands dirty. If there were any programs it was at arms length-you know, donate to ‘the cause’ so that you could feel better about yourself and could tell folks that you were making a difference in the community.

St. Thomas Aquinas was a bit better. They ran a kitchen on Saturdays-breakfast and lunch for those in need, the usual. They had a large group of volunteers and it was tightly run by a severe-looking, hawk-nosed old man. He had to be ex-military, it was right there in his bearing-you (meaning me) wouldn’t be able to get anything past him. I moved on.

The Holy Trinity Church was right downtown and looked more than a little shabby. In retrospect I should have started right here. You see, I was thinking ahead to November and December, when the wind turns from crisp to downright oppressive, when the cold gets into your bones and it takes forever to get it out-when the less fortunate need a place to sleep because the emergency shelters are full and some other entity steps up to fill the void.

That was Holy Trinity. The staff and volunteers were old and didn’t want to be there anymore but no one was replacing them so here they were. When I mentioned I’d be interested in monitoring these poor souls they practically wept at my feet. And so it was.

This place was badly underfunded. The basement didn’t have proper lighting, the washrooms featured separate spigots for hot and cold water, it was cold. It was almost as cold as outside when the first spell hit but at least there were mats to sleep on and ratty blankets to wrap oneself in. The smell of stale urine hung in the air. I’ll never get accustomed to it.

“Stew” and I hit it off after I offered to guard his satchel while he went to the free needle clinic. I’ve found that small gestures like that mean everything to a guy on the streets. To be someone that can be trusted. Well, for a while…

Stew told me about this one dumpster he liked going to.

-You know that pizza place that just opened three blocks from here?

-Can’t say I do. I’m not really from around here.

-Anyway, all the crap at the end of the night goes in there. And sometimes it’s not crap at all. Only thing is, when the old man has the night shift you can forget about it-he locks that thing up tighter than a drum. But when the woman closes up, she leaves it unlocked. I think she seen me lurking around. I didn’t say anything to her but one look at me and she knows what I’m all about.

-You’d better keep that a secret or somebody else might find out.

-No matter if I say anything or not, it won’t last much longer. There’s too many of us with eyes out looking for stuff. Just a matter of time…

I had something to think about on my drive home the next morning. It looked like time was really tight.

The following Friday was just like any other-ragged folks of all ages shuffled in, sat down, drank the coffee, stank to high heaven. Stew let me know his private paradise was still his alone and he was headed there at 2 am after closing. At 10 pm I feigned a sore stomach and told the other volunteer I was headed home. It was easy to find the place and I parked out of sight across the street.

I started awake at 2:30 and swore out loud at the missed opportunity, thinking that Stew had already been there and gone. After regaining my composure, I decided to wait.

A figure approached the dumpster and I slowly got out of my vehicle as the darkened silhouette pried the flap open. I waited nearby. I heard the rummaging, saw him climb out and walk towards the tree to eat his blackened (I assumed) treasure. He sat down with his back to me. Perfect.

The tools of the trade tonight were a small but weighty hatchet and a garrotte I’d fashioned out of old clothesline and two straps of leather. The freshly fallen snow hid my footsteps but not my excitement. I couldn’t help myself-as I pulled my arm back to level a incapacitating blow I said, “Hey Stew”.

The face that quickly turned towards my voice wasn’t that of Stew. This was an old guy with a yellowish beard that had a wild look in his eyes as he very nearly comprehended what was going to happen to him. I meant to hit Stew on the bridge of his nose but I was as surprised as my unintended victim and missed and buried the butt end of the hatchet into this guy’s mouth. What was left of his teeth mixed with chewed pizza as he fell forward. As he lay facedown on the snow I caved in a small part of his skull with another strike. The strangling tool came out and it was over in three minutes or so.

Breathing heavily, I took a long, looping path back to my car. The surprise of that nameless man’s making gave me an exhilaration I’d never felt before. I don’t know how I could possibly replicate that in the future.

As I got behind the wheel and made my way onto the main thoroughfare, I thought for quite some time about the role of serendipity in all our lives…

TO THE GAME!

Pats/Ravens:

Run LAMAR! Run. Actually, Steve Belichick (Sonny Boy is calling the defensive plays now) will probably gameplan to take away the run and force Jackson to beat the D through the air. And if I recall correctly, all three cb’s are ranked in PFF’s top ten in terms of performance. I’m just glad that New England isn’t facing a slap happy patsy for once.

Do your thing.

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ALXMAC
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Looks like Rex Ryan commissioned a table:
https://twitter.com/DOOMxBUNNIE/status/1190456559815581696

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Unsurprised

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Viva La Tabula Raza

5-1/2 hours until the alarm goes off, better sign off. See y’all tomorrow for Boyz loss to Vagiants (or elsewise).

Horatio Cornblower

Time to catch up with ‘Watchmen’ Night all.

Doktor Zymm

What a wuss wearing gloves when it’s not even cold yet

Gatoraids

Woe be to any Baltimore area MILF who swipes right on an account Waingrumble from boston tonight
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Horatio Cornblower

That movie had such potential and such a stupid ending.

Doktor Zymm

Is that the same actor as Manny?comment image

Gratliff

Was able to fit a 35 minute workout into the last 12 minutes of that game.

Sharkbait

At least I have a bunch of lemons from California I can now drop into various forms of alcohol

Viva La Tabula Raza

OK dudes and dudettes, glad we got that fucking loss out of the way and don’t have to listen to a bunch of shit about a perfect season. On to Cincinnati!

Edit: I was 9 years old when Broadway Joe beat the Baltimore football team in SB III. My dad was stationed at the NSA at Fort Meade MD at the time, and I hated that fucking buck toothed crew cut motherfucker Johnny Unitas with the heat of 10,000 supernovae. And for some reason my dislike of Baltimore football team transferred over to their new team.

Doktor Zymm

But it’s too early for the T-shirts to be printed up and sent to poor countries! What will they do for ironic upper-body coverings?

Viva La Tabula Raza

We can send them all of those “WE BEAT ISIS” T-shirts instead.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Did anyone else here enjoy John Dies at the End? I am not so sure the ending is any good because the times I have watched it I have basically been blackout drunk by that point.

Mr. Ayo

Book was better.

ALXMAC

Very good movie. I remember that I liked it a lot but don’t remember much else.

Horatio Cornblower

How does it end?

Doktor Zymm

John only metaphorically dies in a dead-end marriage with kids he feels indifferent towards

Doktor Zymm

Hooray! And it’s even Happy Daylight In the Morning Time Again weekend, so it’s kind of like it’s actually 9:30 and a reasonable time to go to bed and read!

ALXMAC

What you reading now?

Doktor Zymm

Finished Skinny Dip by Carl Hiaason which was AWESOME. Currently reading a couple history books about the middle days of the Roman Republic (which was WOW fucked up, no surprise about the whole Caeser murder thing) and about the Medills in Chicago

King Hippo

but the headline for this week remains – DONKS WIN WITH BRANDON ALLEN WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Can we go ahead and just start the playoffs now?
Yes, I see Ratbirds derping in the coming weeks.
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Viva La Tabula Raza

You just won your SB for this season, Ravens. Enjoy it.

Sharkbait

Yup,

King Hippo

CALL TIMEOUT, GREATER HARBS

King Hippo

Wow, he’s a good listener!

Sharkbait

Somehow this is Ray Lewis’ fault.

Doktor Zymm

I have a lot of respect and admiration for pasty english mencomment image?display=1&htype=0&type=responsive-gallery

Sharkbait

Surprised it’s not the Jarred Stidham show right now.

King Hippo

Belicheat mad about that last pick.

ALXMAC
rockingdog

last funny:
[to the tune of eleanor rigby]
hillary clinton
killed jeffrey epstein, ensured it was ruled suicide
the coroner lied

WCS

/Eric Trump immediately retweets

Doktor Zymm

Yes, because there’s no way whatsoever that our prison system could possibly be incompetent enough to allow injury or death to come to an inmate without the intervention of powerful people

Horatio Cornblower

They only hire the best people.

Unsurprised

IF you’re a poor minority, you’re goddamn right. If you’re the most high-profile detainee in the U.S., even outstripping El Chapo in the next cell over, because you are a billionaire who pimped children to presidents, princes, and titans of industry? No. There is no way this happened without someone wanting it to occur.

Sharkbait

That’s not real.

WCS

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Horatio Cornblower

Is it legal to haul your own player into the end zone like that?

I ask because just because the officials allow it doesn’t mean it’s legit,

Doktor Zymm

Don’t see why not

hippofant

It must be, because if it wasn’t, Bellichik would know, and we’d be getting close-ups of him screaming at the officials right now.

WCS

Aren’t you a law-talkin’guy?

Horatio Cornblower

I’m a trial attorney. I don’t know much about “Civil Procedure” or the “Rules of Evidence” or the “Law”, but I can yell til I’m blue in the face and the jury will do pretty much anything to get away from me so it all works out.

Unsurprised

Does the Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer defense work?

Viva La Tabula Raza

I had this marked as a possible loss when I saw the schedule. There’s probably another loss down the road between now and Week 17. The rest of the scenario I outlined earlier still stands. Pats play 2007 Giants to 18-0 SF 49ers in SB LIV. Suck it, rest of America.

Horatio Cornblower

I’m a Cowboys fan: I wouldn’t root for the 49ers at gunpoint.

Viva La Tabula Raza

I guess that might have something to do with this?
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Horatio Cornblower

Everything.

Senor Weaselo

Well it would be the first time an 18-0 team is an underdog.

Sharkbait

Shocked that wasn’t blown dead.

Horatio Cornblower

You and me both

theeWeeBabySeamus

Tug o War with Lamar….woooooo.

ALXMAC
King Hippo

if he’s a FITBAW fan, he sure is tonight

Gatoraids

Grumble grumble glad there no statue of limitations on paternity grumble

King Hippo

grumble grumble, you didn’t think you were my REAL son, I hope, grumble grumble

ALXMAC
WCS

Such an underrated movie.

King Hippo

Satan is good, Satan is our pal!

Col. Duke LaCross

That was the Burbs

King Hippo

oopsie

Viva La Tabula Raza

OK, McCourty, revenge for bullshit hands to face call = pick 6, please.

Horatio Cornblower

I can’t help but think that when these teams meet in the play-offs, in Foxboro, all of these stupid penalties that pats are getting called for are going to transfer to the Ratbirds.

Game Time Decision

That’s some nice tightrope walking there on the line

Sharkbait

Not ideal of a situation

WCS

Oh? Is someone’s team only going to go 15-1 and win another Super Bowl?comment image

Sharkbait

Good point.

Horatio Cornblower

You’re 8-1, (assuming the Pats don’t come back, which I refuse to concede), and going to cruise to the AF East title and a bye week.

You’ll be fine.

Gatoraids

Haven’t see a goat get fucked this hard outside of a satanic ritual

Horatio Cornblower

Oh I hav…

Wait, what?

King Hippo

this Dolphan PARTIES

Dunstan

Technically you were blindfolded

ALXMAC
Viva La Tabula Raza

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Gatoraids

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Col. Duke LaCross

Put on your goat-leggings.

King Hippo

ok, I think officially want 30-29, fumble return TD and intentional safety on last play

theeWeeBabySeamus

I don’t think I like that. Better than some other scenarios, but i don’t want to nervously shit myself as it goes down that way.

King Hippo

I hate how one team has Michel, fading DAK! And the other is exactly opposite. This is TWO WEEKS RUNNING of this shit. I only have two teams, this is supposed to minimize such fuckery.

Game Time Decision

TB12. Moar like INT 2

hippofant

What the everlasting fuck is LaDanian Tomlinson’s Arby’s Steakhouse?

Dunstan

Please tell me someone else saw that commercial for LaDamian Tomlinson’s Arby’s Steakhouse. Because red wine shouldn’t be enough to make me hallucinate.

Sharkbait

*Checks vodka seltzer for LSD*

Nope. That was legit.

King Hippo

I guess people got tired of Sterling Archer’s real face/body fast

Horatio Cornblower

Saw it. My son is a witness. He says that Arby’s uses Grade F meat. No idea if this is true or not, but he seemed serious.

Game Time Decision

Roadkill is grade E meat

Horatio Cornblower

I have at least one friend that has grabbed a fresh road kill deer and got a good 10 lbs of venison off of it.

I need to get out more.

Senor Weaselo

We have the bikes!

ALXMAC
WCS

“That ARM PUNT wasn’t in the script!”

— Roger G., NY

Sharkbait

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King Hippo

WOMP WOMP, GOAT my hairy white ass

Gatoraids

Hahahaha

Doktor Zymm

I still don’t know why they don’t put some damn lasers on top of the uprights

Horatio Cornblower

Herr Goodell is saving the lasers for players who wear the wrong cleats during games.

King Hippo

again, there is NO REASON they can’t have GPS for that over the post stuff (and first down calls)

Sharkbait

Agreed. Same with goal line plays. Chip the ball, and put receivers in each pylon

King Hippo

Amazon AI wants me to be impressed? DO THAT

Doktor Zymm

Naw gotta be lasers.

On a serious note, in order to get accurate enough GPS they might need to get some defense-grade shit, and I don’t want them paying off the military any more than they already are

Sharkbait

We all know the military pays the NFL.

King Hippo

as long as it’s SCIENCE, Mister White!

herodotus450

I wonder if they could just always, and only, place the ball at exact yard markers. There is no in between. If you don’t get to the 13 the ball goes back to the 12. Would make the determination of “did you get to the 13 yard line?” very easy to make.

Doktor Zymm

FUCK ANALOG WE ALL DIGITAL NOW

King Hippo

yeah, that was like before fractional points in fantasy. MY PLAYERS ALWAYS HAD “and 9” yardage totals

herodotus450

beep boop

Viva La Tabula Raza

Bill needs to tell Steve to lose the mullet.

Horatio Cornblower

“It’s the deadliest drug Chicago has ever seen…It’s called ‘Trubisky’, and it makes its victims hurl themselves blindly into walls, sometimes three at a time, until they collapse in a bloody heap, beaten, humiliated, and devoid of all hope.”

Tonight, on NBC’s newest ‘Chicago’ series ‘Chicago Bears’

Viva La Tabula Raza

My mind jumps to Fight Club.

Horatio Cornblower

Pretty sure that’s how the Bears try out kickers.

theeWeeBabySeamus

da Fuq? Tucker get high at the half or what?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Don’t know about Tucker, but I did…

WCS

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WCS

No chance the SHA’NKLOR will be a factor. Nope, none at all…

Sharkbait

Praise be.

Sharkbait

Ugh that fumble is huge right now.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Need a stop here now. Quick turnover also would be acceptable.

Game Time Decision

Derp