Welcome to Monday, ladies and (chuckle) gentlemen – it was a full MANDATORY 14 hours of glorious FITBAW!  But of course, some fixtures were more glorious than others.

[EDITOR’S NOTE: Hippo is wise, but like the ancient Oracle at Delphi, he often speaks in a…cryptic…language that can require some interpretation. Thus, the Reverend Mayhem will be provide annotations where necessary]

We did indeed start bright and early (but after falling back) in merry olde London-town, but somebody forgot to tell the home Fulham Jaguras [Jacksonville- a reference to their owner also owning Premier League team Fulham and the Jag’s long-rumored move to the UK].   TheShaun Watson and Duke Johnson pretty much played with the opposition like a bored housecat with a mouse, with 26-3 being your final.  I would have been thankful for the distraction, but Everton [Hippo’s preferred soccer team] played mediocre, got fucked over TWICE by VAR (replay challenge’s Lesser cousin [soccer being officially referred to as Lesser Football), and had Son Heung-min fucking shatter Andre Gomes’ leg.  It was nigh-LT-meets-Theismann level gross, so I shall not link to it. [Seriously, don’t even google that shit] That ended in a 1-1 draw, the leveler coming during 12+ minutes of stoppage time. [Stoppage time is like overtime, but is completely arbitrary in length. Formerly known as “However long the ref thinks it’ll take Manchester United to pull it out Time”] FUCK YOU, universe. [Srsly]

Thankfully, 10.5 hours of brain bleach followed.  And who to lead things off better than those Miami Muthafuckin’ Dolphins, who won the shit out of the Adam Gase Shame Bowl. [Adam Gase having left the tire-fire Dolphins to somehow drive the Jets into an even deeper hole than the one next to Jimmy Hoffa they already occupied].   I guess he must interview super well (despite looking every bit the Trestman-calibre creeper), but I don’t get how he got a FIRST head job, let alone an immediate SECOND with the Jest.  Boy howdy, is that franchise ever fucked.  BloodSugarFitzMagic [Ryan Fitzpatrick] had none of the adverse side effects this week, with 3 TDs and no turnovers.  In delightful fashion, the final was 26-18, with each side notching a safety.  This should have been the primetime affair. [Truth.]

Alone sit the winless Bungles [self-explanatory], but the Ryan Finley era begins next week, so expect a strong finish.  Hey, fuck you, he’s a Wolven Sort. [A former player for the North Carolina State Wolfpack, Hippo’s college team] And I still think they’d beat the Falcons or Jest. [Also Truth].

Twas a tale of two kickers in the more notable, non-shitshow early matches.  Stupid Old Man Vinateri should have been the goat last week, but he wears the horns in Yinzburgh [Pittsburgh] instead.  Missed yet ANOTHER extra point, then badly shanked the game winner to gift PIT a 26-24 win.  I really like Frank Reich as a head coach, but his sentimental attachment to Vinateri is killing that team.  Well, that and the fact that they played 80% of the way with Hoyer Country.  Yeesh.  No word on whether Jacoby Brissett will return for Week 10, when it would be FOUR NC State alumni starting, if so (Finley, Wilson, Laserface [King Laserface. If you don’t know who this is, YOU BETTER ASK SOMEBODDDDDAAY).  No, the Yinzers haven’t turned a corner.  They’ve been lucky as shit.  Mason Rudolph dinks and dunks more than Captain Dingleberry [Kirk “Curt” Cousins].

Speaking of, he was praised by the announcers for his superficial 3:0 TD:INT ratio, but he only completed 50% of his passes, for 5.8 YPA.  That…is fucking shit.  He also turtled during nut-cutting time[?], and gave today’s GOOD kicker a chance to shine.  Harrison Butker nailed a 54-yarder to tie things at 23, then when KC immediately got the ball back?  Hit again from 44 for the walkoff.  Matt Moore was solid the 2nd straight week, allowing Fat Andy to be judicious with Mahomes-y.  The AFC West still belongs to the Chefs, and likely the 2 seed.  Don’t look now, but they are even playing almost-solid defense.

Ryan Succop also sucked for DonT’s tits [Titans, favorite team of author, poet and lover DonT] today, as the Era of Tanny Fanny [Ryan Tannehill] Cromulence finally struck midnight.  Kyle Allen’s New Black Panthers built a 17-nil lead, and were never really threatened.  30-17 to the Charlotteans.  I noticed almost nothing else of note here.  Sorry, my brain is garbage.

Buffalo welcomed the ‘Dacteds [Redacteds, the Racist-Ass Washington Football Team Which Shall Not Be Named], and unsurprisingly were able to successfully play “Hide the Brokeback QB” once again. [Buffalo quarterback Josh Allen, Wyoming alum that we Bills fans wish we could quit] I can’t stress enough – this team is NOT GOOD. [Pure jealousy here. SAD] But they will almost certainly make the playoffs, especially if they continue to lean on their not-Frank Gore tailback (rookie Devin Singletary).  That kid can play, as can pretty much the whole defense.  24-9 final, as Dwayne Haskins is a giant tire fire filled with ded babies.  [I’d like to call it hyperbole, but…] What can I say, he’s in the right organization.

Philadelphia was really kicking the shit out of Chi**** most of the day, but 2 second half TDs (off big plays and some decent David Montgomery runs) cut the margin to 19-14.  But Bollo del Verdad [literally “biscuit of truth”, Mitch Trubisky] was horrid even by his flaccid standards (10-21, 125), and a late, long Iggles [Eagles, because Philly fans sound like they’ve had a minor stroke] FG drive iced things.  Followed by a fumble on the kickoff, because Bearistocrats!  [See ‘The Aristocrats!’ movie HIGHLY NSFW] PHI ain’t much good, but perhaps they can make Non-Gendered Cowpersons’ Week 16 return engagement somewhat meaningful.

Team MRSA [Tampa Bay] finds a new way to lose each week, increasing the hilarity as they go.  This week, they foolishly rushed themselves (from 1st and goal at the 1) on the tying TD, doing two stupid things.  For one, 46 seconds is WAY too much time to leave Russell Wilson.  Two, a non-idiot would take his chances on the 2-point conversion and the win.  Arians got bailed out on point one, as despite moving the ball like hot knife through butter, the shitty SeaTruther [Seattle coach Pete Carroll has Questions about 9/11] kicker went Shank’lor [Elder Goddess of Hilariously  Missed Kicks] from 40, sending us to OT.  But #2 was a bridge too far, as SEA won the coinflip and just as easily marched down the field for the winning TD.  40-34, and there is just a tiny bit of NFC West drama left over.  Oh, and Rapey Jameis [Winston, cuz he rapes people] had another of his signature “empty hand fumbles with no defensive contact” moments.  What a dopey, evil fuck. [Third Time Truth]

D-O-N-K-S? [Broncos, poor Hippo’s “professional” football team]. Fuck and yes, they can win with Brandon Allen, so long as “ded and just waiting to meet Scotchy” hobo fuckwit Freddie Kitchens is opposite. [Site author Scotchnaut, who has somewhat…extreme…thoughts about reducing the homeless population] Quote the masterful yeah right – He looks like a wad of cookie dough that’s been rolled in cat hair.  Yes.  Yes he does.  24-19, as Denver stopped #ThePauls [Browns, named after original coach Paul Brown] on not one, but TWO 3rd-then-4th and shorts in Q4.  This team has heart, and has pride.  They aren’t very good, but I’m proud to support them, regardless.  And I thank them for getting off the mat after that shitty loss in the Gravy Boat [?] last week.  Enjoy the bye week, especially badasses Courtland Sutton and Phillip Lindsay.

Man, were the ample (can be two things) Cheeseheads disappoint in Southern California, as Clippers du Merde [Shitty Clippers, a reference to the Chargers abandoning San Diego to become an afterthought in LA (pre-Kawhi) as well as being shitty] absolutely kicked Green Bay’s teeth in, 26-11.  It was near the end of Q3 before Rodgers crossed the 50 for just the SECOND TIME.  That’s good ball control (phrasing?) [giggity] and defending, and with that we have the recipe for beating the Packers.  Hunter Henry really opens up the passing game for the Heretics [Chargers, who offended the semidivine destroyer of souls BOLTMAN!], as Laserface [ASK SOMEBODDDAAAY] was then able to hit Mike Williams deep a few times.  Even Melvin (Not Getting Paid) Gordon showed a bit of a pulse.  I’d say Sean Payton was the big NFC winner this weekend, as NO moves into pole position for the crucial #2 seed line.

We went 3-for-4 in good late games, with the Fuck Liouns [self-explanatory, although the extra u is mysterious. Crossborder contamination from Windsor, Ontario?] making a game effort at the Black Hole.  Did you know Josh Jacobs was really, really fucking good?  You do after this week.  Did I actually face off against a fantasy side that started JD McKissic and royally pissed me off with that late TD?

But on 4th and 1 with 8 seconds left, Jon Gruden did what I thought at the time was a good coaching move, despite the surficial idiocy.  He called timeout once he saw DET would easily get the play off.  Since the play before was 3rd and goal from the 14…he ain’t exactly have heavy personnel on the pitch.  Neither did Matt Patricia, but I believe this tradeoff is always better for the offense.  Running it from a spread formation is pretty easy, when you only need a yard.  Or even an RPO, which Fat Stafford either ran or checked off to after the timeout, and Karl Joseph mad an amazeballs play to knock it out of the TE’s hands.  Game, Raiders, 31-24.  And no 2nd TD for fucking McKissic. [Fuck the Lions].

Since it was too early for NBC to get its flex on (MIA/NYJ would have been such an easy call, as noted above), they toughed it out with the turf that is Balmer hosting the P*ts. [Fuck the P*ts. Foxborough delenda est] As you may have noticed, NE has been murder-y on defense all season.  But their soft spot (to the extent there is one) is the running game, where the Ratbirds thrive.  And yea, how those Ratbirds utilized same to run out to a 17-nil advantage.  Until they forgot the old maxim about “giving away free points.”  Thus, down to 17-13 and humanity steeled itself for the worst.  But Second Half Balmer [Baltimore, because their residents also sound like they’ve had minor strokes] was up for the challenge, scoring a fumble return TD, and turning over Dreamboat [Fancy Dog] on an awful arm punt pickerception [interception that is returned for a touchdown].  That seemingly ominous missed extra point?  Ain’t matter at all.  And none of those turnovers were on Lamar! – he was magnificent. [Seriously, I needed a cigarette after that shit.]