As I have done this on multiple occasions now it has been brought to my attention that most tales I weave are from a dark scary corner in Hell where I dwell, so, what’s wrong with that?

How about a completely new side from your old Taj Bone’r?

Let’s try something happier.

Never trust a junkie.

Once in a neighborhood just like the one you live in there was a puppy. Not just any puppy but the happiest puppy that has ever lived. What made him so happy, one might ask? Well you see here that puppy had itself a bone, not just any bone but a magic toy bone, a magic that only he could use.

Simply Adorable

Wherever the puppy went the toy bone was sure to be there. Outside he would bury the beloved toy but only for a moment and then dig it up just as quick as he had buried it. When it was nap time no sleep until the magic nestled safely under his chin. One morning the puppy opened its sleep filled eyes yawned, stretched and shook the sleep from his brain looking down he noticed right away the toy was missing.

So rattled the poor animal being, he searched the sky but there was no magic bone to be found, Starting to really feel the fear sink in, the puppy ran into the kitchen. Food dish? check, Water dish? check, but no magic. He looked everywhere, under anything he could get under, but no bone anywhere. The puppy was petrified with fear. He put his head slowly down and began to cry. His eyes welled up and just as the first tear fell he noticed for the first time the backdoor was open. The puppy jumped for joy as he must have left it outside but how could that be? I haven’t been outside all day, he wondered. His berserk little mind was running amok. He ran right out the door and proceeded to look all over the yard. Under the slide, in the sandbox, every hole he had ever buried his magic treasure, but it was nowhere.

Once again sadness overwhelmed our fury little friend. Despair was threatening to take out his adorable little heart when he noticed the side gate was open. Now having been told uncountable times to never, “NEVER” go near the gate his mania, his absolute need for his magic would not be deterred. He walked right up to the gate nudged it open gently with his muzzle, looked carefully both ways and stepped out onto the street. A large truck was there before the puppy could react, right over his cute puppy head that truck went.

As the blood poured from his tiny dying body he gave just one last kick, a small furtive grown escaped his blood filled mouth and then our little fuzzy hero died.

THE END

The idea of this story first came to me while I laid sodden in my own filth watching my Saints get beaten (only loss of the season so far, thank the gods) in a week two match up with the horrid stench that is Rams football.

I remember it all so well as I watched I got to see my hero (and personal savior I might add) smash his thumb off the premier defensive player in the league, one Aaron Donald’s helmeted head, son of a bitch. In my utter shock and horror I sat weeping quietly as my favorite toy tried again and again to pick up a football, only to watch in dismay as he dropped it over and over, unable to grip it significantly enough to simply pick it up off the ground.

What ever will we do? Who will play quarterback?

Teddy. Who’s Teddy? “From Minnesota”
“They suck.”
“Don’t you remember he got hurt?”
“Great he comes from suck Minnesota and he’s hurt, screw it. Okay kid let’s see what you got. Drew will be back next week” Only our cherished number 9 is not coming back next week, he’s going to need surgery. AHHHHHHH.

As my tears turned to reality, blood, gore, ichor (FROM GREEK MYTHOLOGY the fluid that flows like blood in the veins of the gods) ran down my chicken wing filled face. It was real, this has really happened, at the very zenith of my fatal fall it occurs to me, someone has stolen my favorite toy and then backed a truck up over my beer swilled brains.

All was lost, there is no further hope, God has died. You drop to your knees and pound the ground, your face turns up to the sky and then scream from your very soul ”

God can’t be dead he just can’t. Jesus said so, so there!

Welcome to the seventh level of hell. A pit so dank and forsaken, that it is further down than the level where people have to stand on their heads in flaming shit. Yes, my soul has fallen to that lowly place. From here at least I can fall no further, I am in the bowels of all that is unholy where the very air is fetid and reprehensible. Satan himself is too aghast to even go near this level. I lay burning in my own anxiety and dismay waiting for some evil creature to suck my last grip on reality out of my eye sockets. I prayed with voice on high,”Let all the demons from all seven levels of Hell devour what remains of my washed up desecrated existence. Gather what is left of my bloody bits and feed the parts that are left to dead children.”

Blackness fills everything. Desperation and despair are all that are left of my broken and wasted mind.

As I lay in that black sweltering death, large bugs began to crawl on my face and eat pieces of my still living flesh. Screams of agony are my only world. I began to accept my fate and just lie still in a pool of some rotting fluid that I can’t even recognize. Waiting to be eaten by all of the beasts of Hell. Forever locked in my own desolation and squalor.

The Gloomy blackness masked all thought, all reality. I lay back ready to be devoured, only to notice one tiny pin hole of light. I blinked away tears of blood but there it was, burning at the very far reaches of this beguiled existence. So small at first I dare not trust my claret soaked mind, but then I looked again, is that a glimmer?

Certainly not, impossible! my abomination filled head screamed. We are seven layers of filth and perversion down, it can’t be, it mustn’t be real. That would mean there’s hope, (and each and everyone of you know I killed all hope 5 articles ago, now where was I? Oh yeah, dead icky stuff). Frozen, lost in my own worst nightmares. Do I claw towards the light or waller in the slime? What a quandary, what would you do?

For sake of the story and to speed things up a touch I chose that damn light knowing full well what awaits my soul in the end.

The light begins to grow larger like it’s becoming part of me. Is that mirth I hear somewhere in that glorious glow of wonder? My heart is suddenly overwhelmed with (stop laughing) happiness! Finally for the first time in my worthless presence on this planet I feel a spring in my step, for no need good reason. I find myself whistling a happy ( I think it was Baby Shark) dirge, what is happening to me? My eyes fly open but the fluorescent brilliance that fills my vision is too bright, the glare is roasting my retinas. I close them once again but I hear children holding flowers and laughing so clearly that I must open my eyes again and then standing right in front of my eyes the most beautiful image my mind had ever seen! So startling as to at first not believe what I’m witnessing. A perfect dazzlingly white unicorn.

Me peepers are trying to comprehend what they can not describe or understand, the most fantastic magical creature to ever (yes they did) call this nightmare world home. A perfect dazzlingly white unicorn, upon it’s well muscled haunch it wore a human number and that number was 5.

I couldn’t decide which picture I liked better, you’ll have to decide

His name is Teddy Bridgewater and he has been sent to this foreign planet to save us all from the fate I was enduring. Not merely just a team leader (although he most certainly became that) but a new leader! A warrior for a new time, a new world, a world where cute little kittens can sing. A new world, A world filled with compassion and light.

“Hey wait I thought you were talking about New Orleans.”

I’m whole again. The magic pony saved me, but why? The new gods are here. This is more than some simple voodooism, this is the road back, A road  filled with resplendent brightness. Away from the dark, defense is strong, wait, New Orleans defense? Defense? we are 6-1 but how?

Some one chant along with me, “Teddy, Teddy, Teddy!” Winning 5 straight including 3 road games. In succession Jacksonville, Seattle followed by an ass beating put on Chicago.

Dare I say playoff bound?

What could possibly ruin this azure state, a place where color moves. The whole world is more peaceful and caring. Every day there is new warmth. A land of lollipops and clean underwear.

What did you say? Who’s coming back? No, no, no he’s dead! He can’t come back, I saw him die! I grieved in Hell for weeks, I’m sorry but no, God can not be reborn. I don’t care what you say Jesus, get out of this story, Has-Been! More like Never Was.

So sadly, it is true. God is back, and man did he look shaky.

Got drilled three times, too slow to run, everything was either a check down or an underneath route. No downfield presence, hell no downfield threat at all.

Damn it I don’t want God back! I want my unicorn magic and dancing puppies! Fuck God, there I said it. Go away Drew, we don’t need you anymore. Has-Been.

Teddy,Teddy, Teddy, hold on, hear me out before you call me a blatant turncoat and roust about. Teddy is 27 Drew will be 41 before season end. Quite simply put Drew (God I hate even having these thoughts) you are the past, Teddy is the future.

What’s my “Big Hero 9” got left in the tank? Against a woeful Arizona Squad he was inaccurate, missing open receivers, sloppy footwork (I know just back from the D.L.) and the longest ball in the air that he was able to throw? Eleven yards.

This will not do. For the first time since joining my beloved aggregation, he looked frankly, human.

Drew Brees 75,218 yards

Teddy 7,614

See where I’m going here? Teddy is the light and the magic, Drew is the Dino poo. Up is down, God has been reborn and Drew Brees leads us down the path to Hell.

What a world.

Nice to see you still here. Thanks for being there.

I see a very deep push into the playoff’s after Drew gets hurt (silly old man) and our unicorn comes back to save us all from Satan’s power.

Hey Green Bay, we’re going to stomp on your asses, but first San Fran has a date with their destiny, a trip to Thunder Dome!! On December the eighth, careful what you wish for, might get your ear cut off.

Who Dat, Who Dat, Who Dat say gunna beat that Teddy!!

For a brighter tomorrow, it’s Teddy today.

Laissez les bons temps rouler, baby!