Welcome to the last full, meaningful Saturday of wall-to-wall footy. Cherish it, as September is a long-assed time away.
That was theme-free Kurt Vile. You will RESPECT him.
Everton finally ripped off the band-aid and gave Marco Silva the sack. It is indeed very depressing to be in 18th position, entering a hopeless home tie with Frank Lampard is a TORY Cunt Chelsea (7:30, NBCSN). Yes, I will still set my alarm super early for it. We’re gonna get battered. The sooner we get a legitimate, full-time replacement, the better. FUCK OFF, David Moyes.
The goddamned Redshite visit the South Coast for a snuff film against yeah right’s Popped Cherries (10:00, NBCSN). Spurs/Burnley and Moose Hornets/Palace are your dire alternate offerings on NBC Gold.
At least you get a cracker for your Spotlight Dance (12:30, NBC) – the Machester Derby! City are home, but in dreadful form. United come off a yuuuuuuggggge mid-week win over Mourinho’s Spurs (fuck me, never thought I would catch myself actively rooting for United in such a matchup, but there I was – fuck off Darkest Timeline) and will have that always coveted “nothing to lose, really” feeling. Looking forward to it.
You get THREE Sunday early, led by Foxes away to Villa (9:00, NBCSN). Call me Catler (without the top ass), but….don’t caaaarrrre. Wolves at Brighton (11:30, NBCSN)? Similarly meh. Arsenal/West Ham (3:00, NBCSN) are your Monday Night Footy offering.
Conference titles ahoy!
Baylor (+9) v. Oklahoma @ JerralWorld (Noon, ABC)
The Consent Abstinent try to avenge their crippling home loss to Steerfuckers North. It might be a fun fixture, but hopefully Team Secular Big Love will have already won Friday Night, to remove any playoff implications.
Plain Louisiana?? (+6) at Appalachain State (Noon, ESPN)
No, I was nae consulted regarding this apparent Ragin’ Cajun name change. I was already going to be pulling for Happy Appy (and former NC State offensive coordinator Eli Drinkwitz, who I TOLD WOLVEN SORT they would miss dearly) anyway. Fuck, I like being very occassionally right.
UAB (+7.5) at Florida Atlantic (1:30, CBSSN)
Fuck Lane Kiffin.
Cincinnati (+9.5) at Memphis (3:30, ABC)
Didn’t we just see this? I hope I didn’t eat any of the brown acid. Fuck the American Whatever Conference.
Georgia (+7) v. LSU @ Megatron’s Butthole (4:00, CBS)
Now we are cooking with gas! Dawgs get in the playoff with a win, though I expect Orgeron’s bunch to murder-kill ’em. The 30-minute delayed kickoff on CBS means it really super-duper TOTES means MOAR.
Hawaii (+14) at Boise State (4:00, ESPN)
You can beat the Rainbow Warriors by 70 if y’all want. Ain’t nobody care about y’all Smurf Turfers no more.
Virginia (+28.5) v. Clemson @ Mistuh Richardson’s Plantantion (7:30, ABC)
I see that Wahoowa is actually ranked. That’s awfully cute. Line has shrunk from 29 to 28.5, so excitement and tension surely await!
Wisconsin (+16.5) v. tOhio State @ The Gravy Boat (8:00, Fox)
The top of the pyramid is so shitty that 2-loss chucklefuck Bucky Badger is #8. At least this matchup includes Gus Johnson. Hopefully? This would have been way more fun with Row teh Boat guy.
***
Balls’ La Liga Minute
Barcelona passed a big test last weekend when they defeated Atlético Madrid at the Wanda Metropolitano 1-0. I should say that Leo Messi and Marc Andre Ter Stegen defeated Atlético Madrid. In truth, there are still a LOT of questions to be answered about this 2019-20 Barcelona team. From what I’ve seen so far of the season:
- If Messi is out of the lineup (as he was for the beginning of the season), the team’s offense is almost as good as Atlético Madrid’s. Yes, that’s a dig at both teams.
- If Ter Stegen were to get hurt, there is no “star” backup. Cillessen, the starter for the Netherlands National Team and previous backup, is now happily starting at Valencia. The two backups are, undoubtedly, good but unproven.
Yet, Barcelona remain in first place tied in points with Real Madrid but ahead on goal differential. Sevilla is third with Real Sociedad and Athletic Bilbao representing the Basque Country in 4th and 5th.
Keep in mind that Barcelona and Real Madrid still have to play the Clásico that was postponed from earlier in the year. Today, Real hosts lowly Espanyol while Barcelona hosts Mallorca. I expect no changes in the standings until next week.
***
Balls’ Liga MX Minuto
I alluded to this last week, but it bears repeating: In the Liga MX playoffs (knows as La Liguilla), the number 5, 6, 7, AND 8 seeds all won their matchups and thus progressed to the semifinals! That has never happened before!
On top of that, in the Juegos de Ida (first legs of the semifinals), #8 seed Monterrey beat #5 seed Necaxa 2-1 at home while #7 seed Monarcas de Morelia beat #6 seed América 2-0. The Juegos de Vuelta (second legs) begin tonight in Aguascalientes and finish tomorrow in El D.F. Should the Ida results hold, we would have a #7 seed playing a #8 seed for the championship!
All I have to say to that is,
This is very exciting. Glad I’m not a fan or hater of either team.
Memphis fans are asking for Alabama. I move we give them Alabama.
Here’s the thing – MEM has to get it back in the middle of the field.
Oh, yeah. Now I remember:
God hates Cincinnati.
Must think y’all is gay or sommet
Oh, dear God. Why are you not kicking the go-ahead field goal, Cincinnati?!
Just give Burrow the Heisman now.
How does video review not prove how many men were on the field?
God help us all. BLEERGH is doing a replay counting the numbers of players on the field. And its still taking five minutes.`
Is this Georgia Pickens the son of Carl Pickens? If so no wonder he seems like a piece of shit.
I’ll go to the grave happy that Carl Pickens wasted his career as a Bengal.
It’s a messy business.
Fansville needs to be nuked from orbit. It’s the only way to be sure.
Genuinely surprised she didn’t thank Herr Orange.
So Eldest brother right is retired but he does some gig work for this place that makes insanely beautiful flower arrangements. They deliver to 5 of these ridiculously expensive natural food stores in the most expensive parts of LA. The stores are called Erewhon and all the cool kids shop there. Yesterday he saw Jake Gyllenhaal and Gary Sinise on his rounds. A few months ago he did a home delivery to Sugar Ray Leonard’s house. Today he was delivering to the Santa Monica location of Erowhon and he runs into Ray Leonard again. Ray gives him a smile, a finger point and a nod. I told him when he started this gig to not be star struck and he’s in LA now.
Pretty sweet gig if you can get it.
Sugar Ray can remember things? Impressive!
When he told me about delivering to his house I asked him “Did you tell him that Hagler beat his ass?”
He laughed and said “Uh, no.”
scotchy – Hawaii’s coach appears to be a hobo. Can you get to Boise stat?
hey Redshirt, which JV Cincy player is Dr. Johnny Fever?
Georgia right now:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q6YAPK0MuLw&ab_channel=MarineAdmiralJeronimo
Imagine if LSU hadn’t dropped 2 TD passes?
Jake Fromm is this season’s Ryan Finley (i.e., he lost A FUCKTON of moneys)
Family: “Redshirt! Order the pizza!”
Redshirt: “Will do.”
(Redshirt goes online to order pizza)
(30 minutes later)
Family: “Redshirt! Get the pizza!”
Redshirt: “Got it.”
(Redshirt leaves to get the pizza)
(1 hour later)
Family: “Redshirt! Where’s the pizza?!”
Redshirt: “I got it. It was delicious.”
(Redshirt burps)
Fin
Maybe the P*ts can trade up? Grumbelord might like a word with Mrs. Burrow…
of course Burrow is good at teh QB sneak
Dawgs be panickin’
Apropos of nothing, here’s an excerpt from my “The West Wing” spec script which was never used, for some reason:
Interior Oval Office, President Bartlett is mediating between a guy in a turban and a guy in a yamarluke; Israel and Palestine. An aide bursts in through the door unannounced:
Aide, breathless, holding a paper or folder: “Mr. President, you need to hear this, it’s an emergency…”
POTUS: “Well I was just going to solve the Middle East… but OK, go ahead.”
Aide: “It’s CBS sir, they’ve developed the technology to count past 120.”
POTUS: “And?”
Aide: “Well it’s also the SEC Championship Game today, and now they can count as high as they want-”
POTUS: “Dear God, that means-”
In unison: “Commercials.”
POTUS: “Longer, louder, neverending. Commercials to block out the sun*.”
Aide: “What should we do?”
POTUS: “I think as always a proportionate response is in order.”
POTUS smashes red button on desk. Cut to footage from “Sum of All Fears” of that football stadium getting blowed up. Then cut to spinning newspapers, stopping, with the headline “President Bartlett unanimously voted President for Life for heroic deeds”
*: Borrowed from my spec script that I sent to Zack Snyder, that hack.
God I love that series!
I thought it was an Article of Faith that every conservative was triggered by West Wing??
They had Bartlett quote from the bible enough to appease ALL sides.
but every True Christian noes the libtard parts don’t count smh
“Love thy neighbor, but not like that”
Georgia: not good?
LSU might be a machine
Drinking beer and watching football is even better with freshly waxed balls.
I thought the qb couldn’t catch his own pass, or couldn’t advance it, or something.
I think it’s ok when a defender touches it.
just can’t throw it again
If the QB catches a pass that bounced off a defender it’s scored as a complete pass from the QB to the QB. Brett Favre’s first NFL completion was to himself, showing his early talent for throwing at defenders.
His career ended much like it started that way ,, ppl forget that
This JV Cincy team is ready for Varsity. This is an elite Playoff Choke Job.
Dude
Chelsea got their shit pushed in…
Everton are legit
I was shocked and awed. It won’t last, but nice for a day. Premiership is bananas this year.
(sees Bearcats in a weird 3-2-6 defense)
“That’s a weird formation.”
(cue 65 yard TD run)
“Yup, saw that one coming!”
A comment I made at a SillyCuse basketball fan site-
“I started watching the game thinking that Cuse was a fart in a bathtub. I ended the game thinking that Cuse just might be a supermodel farting in a bathtub.”
FUCK THAT IS GOOD STUFF
Coach Orgeron answers the question, “Can laryngitis be permanent?”
Is this one of us?
Spam, maybe??
“And I’ve got $100.”
Donald T., Pensacola.
Pro Tip: Do not evar ask a kid/teenager to tell you about the video game they’re playing.
I just asked my niece what the goal was in Five Nights At Freddy’s. I expected a one or two minute synopsis. WRONG.
At least I got out before kickoff.
I’M REALLY NOT INTERESTED I JUST WANT YOU TO THINK I AM SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP.
I miss the good old days when the goal was “Beat up the turtle and save the princess” or “Kill the Pig and save the princess” or “Kill the robots and use their powers to kill their brothers” or “Die a lot trying to defuse bombs underwater, give up and watch TV”.
Its UC’s Conference Championship Game and the Crosstown Shootout and OSU’s Conference Championship Game back-to-back-to-back, I got fully stocked liquor cabinet, half a pint of ice cream, its dark and I’ve got shot glasses.
Arghhh, my Blazers are getting curb stomped by Lane Kiffin. But I think it’s kind of amazing that we even made it to the conference championship game, considering that we graduated 21 seniors from last year. Bill Clark is an awesome coach, and I will fight anyone who disagrees with me!
Its the Conference Championship game between two Top-25 teams in one of the team’s home stadium and it isn’t a sell out.
The Cincinnati Bearcats really need to get out of the AAC.
“Fuck the American Whatever Conference.”
– Cincinnati ever since the Big East left football
Flipping a coin in front of a bunch of college football players and not letting anyone pick it up is the ultimate “Fuck You!” by the NCAA.
No, I think its having them limp off the field at halftime so two unathletic dweebs can granny-toss footballs into a oversized soda can for $100,000.
Walk off safety?
Aw, we can’t have nice things!
Where’s JSD? Is this David Njoku guy worth stashing on my bench for the playoffs/as a potential keeper for next year? Otherwise I need to cut someone, and I don’t know any other Browns fans to ask.
I read on Rotowire that CLE is kind of souring on him
“You need to cut someone? I know a guy.”
-Bill B., drafting Aaron Hernandez
these rapey shits are gonna be in the playoffs
WHEW
Why do they even snap the ball straight back on field goals? Couldn’t you put the holder in the middle of the field every time and just have the snapper snap it back at a sharper angle? And just load up the offensive line to the correct side? Move over Pop Warner, there’s a new trailblazer in town.
Sooners have made the Bears stronger by killing their QBs
Ok, boomer
FUCK OFF YOU SHITHEAD OKIES
WTF Baylor 3rd string qb Zeno just took them ALL the way down the field. That’s not supposed to be possible.
It’s a paradox.
/audience explodes into wild applause
“You spelled ‘pair of docks’ wrong.”
-Jim Harbaugh, waiting in line at Walmart
https://dragonball.fandom.com/wiki/Zeno
The referee was about to throw a flag but he didn’t want to be blinked out of existence.
78 years ago today we got bombed by the Japanese.
Is it wrong that I’ve finished my errands foar the day and now want get bombed and order in a Japanese prostitute?
That sounds like a wonderful evening. Can’t see how that’s wrong.
Hey baby, let me show my USS Arizona before it goes down.
Tell her your code name is “Little Boy” and she’s gonna meet “Fat Man.”
According to the History Channel, Japan only got aggressively adversarial because they felt disrespected in the WWI Treaty Negations by not getting anything. So, tWBS, you would be doing yourself, your country, the world and those who fought in WWI and WWII a great service by hiring the best Japanese prostitute you can afford and disappointing her in 17.4 seconds.