Instant Hippo Thoughts – Week 14, 2019 Season

Despite the very ending of the late window – this was a really great FITBAW Sunday (otherwise).  Let’s not let that spoil things!

[Closed Captioning for the Hard of Hippo provided by the Church of The Immaculate Suzy, Rev. Mayhem presiding]

We had Most Glorious Scorinami [a unique scoring combination never before recorded in NFL history] in the most Bananacakes way possible.  Our ramblin’ Tomsulas [49ers, named for former coach/hobo Jim Tomsula] hopped a freighter to the bayou, and things started crazy and stayed that way.  Fortunately, coked-up RedZone guy is cool enough to keep using “shootout” – and this game fit.  Even better, it was a shootout despite both squadrons having very good defenses.  But sometimes a thing comes together, and they ain’t no stopping it.  Today was the day Janeane [Jimmy “Janeane” Garoppolo] really earned her stripes.  Down 14-27, Santa Clara’s offense roared back for 2 TDs in the final 6 minutes of the half.  Took a 42-33, then a 45-40 Q4 lead.  Alas, they left too much time on the clock for Breesus [Drew Brees, who somehow loves God despite looking like…himself].  Who then left too much time for Ms. Garafalo, especially after missing the two pointer.  Staying calm under pressure, she hit George Kittle on 4th and 2, who laid out a killer stiff-arm and rumbled down the field, refusing to go down (until violently facemasked). That rumble and BLEERGH [the Flag God, who delights in zebraball] made the winning FG a chippie.  48-46, and if that’s a preview of the NFC Title Game?  GIVE US MOAR. [Seconded]

Speaking of shootouts, Donks WOO!!! [Denver Broncos] and 500s [Houston Texans, somethingsomething pornstar] combined for 62 points, though quite a bit was only garbage time.  That is, garbage time for the home side – as Denver built a 38-3 lead with all cylinders of their offense and defense firing.  Drew Lock did WAY more than “chuck it up to Courtland Sutton and see what happens” this week, and fellow rookie Noah Fant shared in the bounty.  OF COURSE, there will be bumps in the road as opponents have game film to study – but the kid looks like Catler [former Denver, Chicago and Miami “quarterback,” who is a cat] (without the shitty personality) [ehhhh Mizzou fans have few good things to say about him].  And even WITH said shitty personality, Catler was a very good QB.  [ehhhhhhhhhhh] I am very, very glad to be wrong about Lock being a bad pick [Reminder: Vince Young was Rookie of the Year], and even happier that all Denver’s draft capital can be focused on shoring up the trenches.  From ESPN – Drew Lock recorded a Total QBR of 98.7 today. That’s the highest QBR game this season by a quarterback not named Lamar Jackson. [Poor, sweet, deluded Hippo…]

A salute to turnovers in MRSA-land [Tampa Bay], as Rapey Jameis [Jameis Winston, who is a rapist] both giveth and taketh away, the way he do (but magnified on each end) [giggity].  Ultimately, it was enough to put the Humps [Fat Humps, aka Indianapolis Colts] effectively out of the playoff picture.  38-35 to the creamsicles. [Sad Trombone, though if it tricks TB into keeping Jameis it’s Funny Riker Trombone]

Perhaps you love scoring, but placement kicking is more your vibe?  The Jest and especially the LOLfins [both self explanatory] feel you, in a 22-21 back-and-forth win for Gangrene [wonderfully on-point pun on Gang Green].  Miami’s 21 was composed solely of Jason Sanders FGs – setting a franchise record, and falling short of the NFL record only because he missed an 8th attempt.  Noo Yawk only converted 3 – and missed an extra point – but he who kicked last is the Ficken [Jets kicker Sam Ficken. I assumed it was an ethnic term for intercourse] winner.  Still, God bless Brian Flores.  He has made that bunch of slapdicks an entertainment machine. [Ehhhhhhhh]

Also a machine, and like clockwork?  Clippers du Merde [Shitty Clippers, the Los Angeles Chargers, who also abandoned San Diego for a life of second-fiddledom in LA] after their season is effectively ded.  Every.  Fucking.  Year.  This week, they went into Duuuuuvvvvvvaaaallll [Jacksonville] and kicked the tar shit out of the Jaguras.  45-10, and somehow even that seems to undersell just how lopsided this affair was.  Austin Ekeler is really good at football things.  And Shad Khan has lots of firings to make. [Khan also owns Fulham FC of the English Premier League, which look destined for relegation. In a kind and just country, the Jags would be as well.]

For the 2nd week running, a strong defensive opponent contained Lamar! quite effectively.  [WOOOOO!] And for the 2nd straight week, Balmer won anyway.  [BOOOOOO!]  Be afraid, be very afraid.  [I always am!] A side that proves it can win in various and sundry ways (see also Tomsulas, above) is a January favourite. [King Hippo: Secret Canadian?]  Buffalo is a very hostile environment, [we’re actually very friendly, unless you’re a table or a six-pack of beer. We even gave Tom Brady some lovely free marital aids]  but the Ratbird defense completely baffled Brokeback QB [Wyoming alum Josh Fucking Allen], taking a 24-9 lead and holding on to win 24-17.  Good jerb holding onto that 1 seed line, decent Americans need y’all to win out. [True, but letting Buffalo win out would have accomplished the same thing. But awesomer] Never forget that John Harbaugh, unlike his brother, is a truly elite coach.  UPDATE: It turns out that if they beat the Jest (easy) and win @ #ThePauls (medium easy), they can rest starters against the Yinzers Week 17.  😀 [Chickens counted. Hatching pending]

Other elite coaching?  Look no further than a guy who is 3-0 with a man called Duck playing QB. [Steelers’ 18th-stringer Devlin “Duck” Hodges. Still not better than Donald “Duck” Dunn].  Again, Coach Epps [Mike Tomlin, who is secretly actor Omar Epps] rode the shit out of his defense, and Kyler Murray had nothing close to an answer.  Special teams got PIT a TD, but then set the Qardinals up late to get back in the match.  But a confused QB ain’t gonna convert a 2-minute drill with no timeouts against this Steel Curtain.  Shit, he didn’t even make a first down.  23-17, and the battle for that AFC #6 seed rages on.

DonT’s Tits [Author DonT’s favored Tennessee Titans] held serve, chewing up Josh Jacobs-less Oakland and spitting them out.  Tanny Fanny [Ryan Tannehill] had an early pickerception (though he no doubt impressed his teammates with a textbook tackle to delay the resulting TD), then went Beast Mode.  El Tractorcito [Derrick Henry, “The Little Tractor”] dealt with a blown tire for most of the way, but still managed 103 yards and 2 scores.  You could make an MVP case for him, if you want to fade QBs. [We do not.] 42-21, and the Raiders are o-u-t of the running.

Neither side seemed very excited to keep the prize, but Ohio belongs to #ThePauls [Browns] anyway.  Mayfield was wretched, but his defense and backfield tandem came up big in the 27-19 win.  Red Rocket’s [Andy Dalton] cromulence [adequacy] honeymoon ended awfully quick.  Beatie Mixon [Joe Mixon beat a woman] is having an amazing 2nd half of the season, for all those fantasy investors who started 1-7 with him.  NOT THAT AH AM BITTER OR NOTHIN.’

Atlanta murder-killt the post-Riverboat Ron Black Panthers, 40-20.  That’s an exact doubling, which seems mathematically nice.  Younghoe [Koo, Falcon wunderkicker] scored a fuckton of points, and also recovered a fumble on a kickoff.  That’s awfully neat. [Truth] Both these squadrons are headed nowhere, and it also sounds like Charlotte is gonna be in teh QB market this off-season.  [Also truth] It would be interesting if they tried a swap with Chi**** to get Cam y Bollo [de Verdad, Mitch Trubisky] a fresh start.  Crazier things have happened. [See Attached]

The Packers did not play particularly well at home to the ‘Dacteds [Washington Redacteds, because we don’t say their nickname], at least after building a 14-nil Q1 lead.  That still proved plenty of cushion against the popgun Dwayne Haskins offense, for the win if not the cover.  The lead was 8 most of the way, though a late TD (against a soft defense after going up 2 scores) made the final a respectable 20-15.  Perhaps the defense gives WAS sommet to build on, but that team is still a mess.

I noticed absolutely nothing about Minny/Detroit, other than the Cuck Liouns converting a 4th down late to avoid the shutout.  20-7, just as pedestrian as Coach Zimmer likes it.  Vikes are 6-0 in the Bird Murder Dome [Minnesota’s stadium kills so many birds it’s a wonder Colonel Sanders doesn’t have naming rights], and that’s where they will face off with Green Bay and the Bearistocrats! to end the regular season.  Dramatics no doubt await.

In my heart of hearts, I still don’t believe the Chefs really held on to win at New England.  [WOOOOO!] Everything was lining up perfectly to fuck up what had seemed a sure thing, ever since Famous Idiot Travis Kelce ran backwards and fumbled away a 3rd down reception.  But the officials…had a ‘mare even by NFL officiating standards, costing the P*ts at least 4 points in the process.  [BWAAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA] But when Grumblelord [Satanspawn Bill Belichick] took the 3 points to cut the margin to 23-16?  At 23-16 it would stay.  Not sure how, as I turned the teevee off after KC went 3 and out on the ensuing drive.  But call it Karma for the entitled Masshole fuckwits booing their 10-2, defending Superb Owl champions off the field at halftime.  Fuck’s sake, it was only 20-7!  With their opponents playing out of their minds defensively.  Humanity is the absolute fucking worst, y’all. [Counterpoint: New England fans are not human]

After last week’s pasting of AZ, it seemed like RRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! might have a pulse, coming into their SNF home date with Coach Carroll and his merry band of SeaTruthers. [Pete Carroll has absolutely no background in materials science, but thinks something verrrrry fishy happened at the World Trade Center] I was certain this was a False Los Angeles Dawn, but as usual I was wrong.  The NFC West and #1 seed still almost certainly will come down to Week 17 Tomsulas at SeaTruthers, but the latter have no room left for error.