At work today, I got distracted on the Web looking for glues with the most intoxicating bouquet. And then, “Kobe Bryant Dies in a Helicopter Crash” popped up. The first thing I thought of was Bryant ravaging NBA defenses like AIDS inside Roy Cohn, and then the Colorado rape allegations. Expecting a torrent of paeans to Bryant, I say screw manners: Death should not impede badmouthing a deserving subject.
The respect for the dead comes from a simpler time, when only nerds and the military had Internet, and children routinely shut the fuck up. The wisdom went that the dead cannot defend themselves, and a visit from The Cold One warrants eternal, peaceful rest from the living. At least until it becomes known that the deceased stiffed everyone and had a secret family with a waaaay uglier side thang.
At present? The thirst for Internet notoriety will bear the most slobberin’ and scathing taeks about Kobe. A Facebook pic of a steak will be dressed as a homage to the Laker legend and Celtics fans will get even more unbearable, but I secretly hope that the ball-hogging perorations will make the Internet look like Tom of Finland’s studio.
I don’t mean to make light of the tragedy. Point is: Death shouldn’t compel anyone to extol only the virtues of the deceased, unless they are sincere and deserved. In memoriam tributes easily become an exercise of fake pieties, or the odd rumination on death and the randomness of existence. I don’t want hypocrisy, much less any ponderous stuff. We’re re already mourning the imminent end of the 2019 NFL season. Dammit, have some fucking respect. [Wipes nose with empty Funyuns bag].
This is how the world will be from two weeks on: complete desolation until mirages of substance appear (Free agent signings! Draft speculation! Projections based on guys practicing in shorts!). But let’s be thankful of what we have: a Patriots-less Superb Owl between two dynamite teams. And also celebrate the worthy: raise yer drinks to the Tennessee Titans, who made it happen.
On tonight’s docket (all times Central)
Bullets @ Hawks – 5:00 PM
Suns @ Grizz – 5:00 PM
Damn Celts @ New… Orleans? – 5:00 PM (ESPN)
Nets @ Knix – 5:00 PM
Clips @ Magic – 5:00 PM
Pacers @ Blazers – 8:00 PM (NBA TV)
(Home team first, which makes all the sense in the world)
Necaxa v. Atlético San Luis – 5:00 PM
FC Juárez v. Morelia – 7:00 PM
Men
Gael Monfils (10) v. Dominic Thiem (5) – 8:00 PM
Daniiil Medvedev (4) v. Stanislas Wawrinka (15) – 10:00 PM
Women
Anett Kontavelt (28) v. Iga Swiatek (Unranked GO IGA!) – 8:00 PM
Garbine Muguruza (Unranked; ¡VAMOS GARBINE!) v. Kiki Bertens (9) – 10:30 PM
Stanford @ California – 5 PM (ESPNU)
Ohio State @ Northwestern – 5:30 PM (Big Ten Network)
Superliga Argentina
(Riots permitting)
Boca Juniors v. Independiente – 6:45 PM
NHL
AaaaaandD, there’s a new “Curb Your Enthusiasm” on! [finger jab] I’ve yet to see any of the new season, but my DVR is keeping them warm. I love Larry David, a soul misundertood more than the NFL’s standard of evidence for replay reviews. It saddens me that LD, a man so invested in reason and honesty, gets derailed again and again by ridiculous social mores or the affectations that lubricate human relations. Sure, that stuff keeps persons in society from tearing each others’ windpipes, but still! He’s a tragic hero, to be sure—and the episode when his mother died is crying-from-laughter funny. And I bet Larry slapped Martin Scorsese harder than any Marvel fan could.
Enough digressin’. Go nuts, heretics.
Images via postimages.com
Kristen Stewart is a decent pianist.
No; she’s a lesbian.
Tanya Tuckers’s face is pulled to tight she cant blink
Wrap it up. Mr. Camila has to get back to clean the 2nd floor restrooms
Booooooooooooooooo – Rodgers
Camila wants to fuck her daddy.
Camila honey, shake your ass. The execs are watching . They dont want a downer. Get them up.
Jim Gaffigan is turning into Philip Seymour Hoffman
Like a Transformer?
Sweet, DFO is on Spur control.
“Camila Cabello is about to sing to a very special person in her life” … it’s ok honey Spur wants you to have fun tonight.
Oh Ari Shaffir
https://mobile.twitter.com/AriShaffir/status/1221524114835267584
You cant let FKA Twigs sing? Bastards
The camera work is fucking atrocious.
FKA Twigs gets my inner Thomas Jefferson going
Want to hate on Usher but i realize this Prince tribute could be a lot worse. (see Timberlake at Superb Owl)
Now it’s on. my hate watch of the Grammy’s is on
someone is WAY TOO excited about a Grammy win. Guys they pass these out like coke. You have nice tits, have a bump.
One of my favorite lines from the Grammies was Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith saying, “It’s a good thing we won a Gammy, after the last win we were down to half a Grammy.”
I dont think Alicia Keys has been around a poor person in a decade
She has to have assistants, right?
And that pool doesn’t clean itself.
The Calabasas mountains came one shy of a double-double today
By the way, that banner quote is in the running for Banner of the Decade.
I don’t think I’ll be going back to back in the banner tournament.
Banner Madness 2 will either run from August ‘18-July ‘19 or, more likely, the end of 2019. This one won’t be eligible until Banner Madness 3.
/I reserve the right to change this based on number fudging.
ESPN for the next two months
Watching Our Man in Japan. Thoroughly enjoying it so far. Now I want to go to Japan even more than I did before.
It’s awesome
The Carlos Ghosn story?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HWfATSKvHGo
Weekend reading:
I sexually identify as an Attack Helicopter
https://web.archive.org/web/20200101232918/http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/fall_01_20/
Alicia Keys sounds like a white person trying to sound black. It’s weird.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Decko2h-S20
Wow, it really did go right over my place:
https://www.dailynews.com/2020/01/26/map-kobe-bryant-helicopter-route-from-takeoff-to-deadly-crash/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgIB1OL09H0
Beverly D’Angelo is attractive.
I will support this opinion.
Hippo; no Randy Gradishar nor Steve Atwater in the HoF; they are demonstratively better than LB and safeties already in. I know it is old news; but FUCK those voters.
godfuckingdamnit I still had some hope for The Smiling Assassin. Terrell Davis is gonna be all those shitasses give us. Still boggles my mind how long THAT took.
https://www.denverpost.com/2019/02/01/broncos-pro-football-hall-of-fame/
The logic on the safeties boggles my mind. When Dawkins was first eligible, the argument was even though he was one of-if not the-best safeties in NFL history, he should have to wait in line behind all the other deserving ones. Then they just put him in the next year anyway. So, at least one Bronco safety went in? Just fucking put all the deserving ones in and quit being shitty about it.
It’s more about who is advocating for a player than the player.
This. The NFL Hall of Fame is basically a popularity contest and has zero credibility. The line of deserving players waiting to get in wraps around the block four times while Eli Manning and his perfectly average ass is going to waltz in immediately on the strength of two bad passes that his receivers made miraculous catches on, and his last name.
I know what you are saying. The victories were against the P*triots; he should be a first ballot inductee; no questions.
Ooooh, Vegas Vacation starts in five minutes.
Is your plane landing?
Don’t I wish?
Also, I will avoid going over RTD’s house in the future.
These outtakes from ‘Brokeback Mountain’ are super weird.
Let today be a reminder to everyone that we don’t want flying cars.
folks can’t be drivin’ the land-based cars they done got.
“What about Carboats!?” -Chad Johnson
@Hippo… Wes Moore is a good coach. But the poor bastard needs a new haircut.
Yikes.
yeah, he looks the part of “bus station wino” – but done a good jerb. In a sport I don’t really follow, but still.
According to the Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esq. (ret.), it is possible that Kobe’s helicopter flew directly over my house.
Def better than directly into your house
Well, we’re not there. But my pets and in-laws are, so, yeah, that would be bad.
Imagine, coming home to the dog and cat eating Kobe’s corpse!
The cat would totally do that. Sometimes I think the reason she bites me all the time is to test to see if I’m still alive.
cats are well pragmatic
I was going to make a really bad joke.
I decided I will not.
But trust me, it was at least a little bit funny, even if very cruel all things considered.
Rtd farted and brought down the helicopter?
Damn…yours is better.
In all seriousness, I actually refrained from eating a frozen burrito last night out of consideration for my fellow airplane passengers today.
Just saw TMZ broke the news about Kobe before the police could inform his family. Bunch of bastards,
yea thats pretty lame on TMZ
Well, PART of his family had a pretty good idea…
Hey Oh!!!!
When you say “bunch of bastards” are you talking about TMZ, or the police? I assume you’re not talking about Kobe’s surviving children because a) man, that would be messed up, b) they’re all girls, and c) it wouldn’t even be accurate, because although Kobe “put the whistles away” when it came to his marital vows, those kids were born in wedlock.
Oh TMZ.
Found a funny:
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QJBdi1jia_0
This Week in Marketing Brilliance is brought to you by the NHL:
Let’s have our Ajj-Star game and break, and therefore no games for days, during the weekend before the super bowl where there is significantly less sprots watching competition.
Very good point. Explained by GARY BETTMAN, Regional Disgrace
I missed Antonio Brown’s “No More White Women 2020”
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if5n_DN48jA
Lady Wolfpack beating the shit out of the Lady Tarholes.
Hey, at least it’s moar interesting than the Pro Bowl was.
This would be a great funeral song, for those who believe in pointless ritual:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bMM61Y5CEU
One of my favorite bands ever.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mTZ5rBCPLdU
Also, HOT DAMN does DonT ever bring it with the GIFs to perfectly complement his delightful writing.
Hey guys, who’s ready for some Vic Morrow jokes?
/fucken crickets
Yikes, it’s like a jury box in a John Landis manslaughter trial in here.
Hey, this is gonna be a great movie. Wait, what’s that helicopter doing?
I wish for my death to be completely fucking ignored, just as I wish for every birthday.
I would want a sky burial, but that’s highly unlikely to actually happen. Alternately, people could just chuck my body into the woods to feed the animals and confuse a future generation of forensic investigators
I’ve told my family to take my body to International Waters, dump it overboard and take my Life Insurance money to Vegas.
/DFO clubhouse takes notes, starts designing a ‘Watchmen’-style trebuchet.
Check in the DFO Shed, in between the Flux Capacitor and the AT-AT.
If it can launch me into the sun, I am fucking IN.
Oh Dok, we’d never do that to you. We’d just have you stuffed and prop you in the corner of the DFO Clubhouse. It totally wouldn’t end up as a Weekend At Bernie’s sequel.
Honest, you can trust us.
My funeral should reflect the things I loved about life. The eulogy should be in Japanese with poorly translated English subtitles. A large man should choke slam me into my casket and slam the lid victoriously, triggering confetti as “The Final Bell” by Bill Conti plays. My pallbearers will all wear #13 Eagles jerseys and drop me repeatedly on the way out of the building.
Carson Wentz will be injured during the ceremony.
/buys Flyers jersey by mistake
//drops casket on own toe
There would be something karmic about my dead body being fed to pigs.
I actually deserve that.
I can relate on teh birthdays thing. It’s not a coincky-dink that I’ve left town every year on my birthday starting with the big 5-0.
DonT – as a Uruguay enthusiast, what do you know about Matias Vecino? Seems like he might be joining Everton’s “shittastic due to injury and Sigurdsson” central midfield.
Mrs is taking me out for Korean bbq for my bday dinner.
I’m excited to check this out.
Spoiler alert: You’re cooking your birthday dinner.
And paying extra for the privilege
Get some makgeolli! It’s yum
We’re getting Mexican for your birthday.
Me too!
Hell gets another rapist/ball hog. Such a momentous day for Murrica.
Frankly, when I die, tragically or otherwise, I actually hope all of you will make fun of me until you’re drunk and passed out.
Lord knows I’ve given you enough material to work with for several days.
I’ve already told people that my funeral will be a celebration. With a two-drink minimum.
I’m willing to do this
If someone gives us the location it’ll be a roast!
Wait, we were supposed to wait until you’re dead?
GUYS, STOP BOOKING THE FLIGHTS
Do we have to? The hit man I hired doesn’t take refunds.
Wait, you put a hit out on one of the party guests?
How very Clue
/locks own doors
I always mix you up with Sill Bimmons. Anyone else?
Guys, I think we have to ban Blax for this. That’s just, I mean, that’s just fucking cruel.
Nah, he’s not wrong. I am kind of a self-important prick sometimes.
You can tell the difference because you’re not a doctor
Actually, I am.
I’ve got a diploma and everything.
Wait. Were you the vet? I get my wires crossed with all the lawyers and doctors and delivery guys and what have you.
Hahahahaha. It is a lot to keep up with.
(but when in doubt, most of those other jerks are lawyerly types)
/ starts writing tWBS Roast post
/ Starts writing pot roast post.
We can have a twbs memorial cocktail hour at DFOcon! Although why wait until you’re dead, just dress up as a zombie and participate!
I’ve got a wet toilet seat for you!
Oh you folks think you’re just SOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!
😀
Just wait until the Roast post…
I just hope I live long enough to see at least one of the teams I root foar win another title.
(spoiler alert…I might as well start digging the hole now)
Shoulda kept that backhoe you rented
Hey she wasn’t a Hoe she was just a meth head!!!!
Oh wait, you meant….nevermind.
Oh, I;m not waiting for your death. You come in here with the flu and I’m letting fly.
I was in Vegas the night that Lady Di died. The news spread quickly and everyone was talking about it. Just as quickly, it turned into a Burton Guster pickup line. “You heard about Lady Di? That’s messed up, right?”
My point is that I don’t think anyone is getting laid consoling drunk girls about Kobe’s death.
Soooooo…. Did it work?
I remember it well, because everyone seemed aghast at my not giving a liquid shit. There was no DFO nor KSK then,
And that’s why we exist
I was part of an AOL chat room that posted some awesome trivia contests back than. I had to wait until 3 in the morning to post because the internet was new and fledgling and insanely busy and my 13.3 K modem could only do so much.