Your “Have Some ResPEK” Open Thread

At work today, I got distracted on the Web looking for glues with the most intoxicating bouquet. And then, “Kobe Bryant Dies in a Helicopter Crash” popped up. The first thing I thought of was Bryant ravaging NBA defenses like AIDS inside Roy Cohn, and then the Colorado rape allegations. Expecting a torrent of paeans to Bryant, I say screw manners: Death should not impede badmouthing a deserving subject.

The respect for the dead comes from a simpler time, when only nerds and the military had Internet, and children routinely shut the fuck up. The wisdom went that the dead cannot defend themselves, and a visit from The Cold One warrants eternal, peaceful rest from the living. At least until it becomes known that the deceased stiffed everyone and had a secret family with a waaaay uglier side thang.

At present? The thirst for Internet notoriety will bear the most slobberin’ and scathing taeks about Kobe. A Facebook pic of a steak will be dressed as a homage to the Laker legend and Celtics fans will get even more unbearable, but I secretly hope that the ball-hogging perorations will make the Internet look like Tom of Finland’s studio.

I don’t mean to make light of the tragedy. Point is: Death shouldn’t compel anyone to extol only the virtues of the deceased, unless they are sincere and deserved. In memoriam tributes easily become an exercise of fake pieties, or the odd rumination on death and the randomness of existence. I don’t want hypocrisy, much less any ponderous stuff. We’re re already mourning the imminent end of the 2019 NFL season. Dammit, have some fucking respect. [Wipes nose with empty Funyuns bag].

This is how the world will be from two weeks on: complete desolation until mirages of substance appear (Free agent signings! Draft speculation! Projections based on guys practicing in shorts!). But let’s be thankful of what we have: a Patriots-less Superb Owl between two dynamite teams. And also celebrate the worthy: raise yer drinks to the Tennessee Titans, who made it happen.

On tonight’s docket (all times Central) 

NBA

Bullets @ Hawks – 5:00 PM

Suns @ Grizz – 5:00 PM

Damn Celts @ New… Orleans? – 5:00 PM (ESPN)

Nets @ Knix – 5:00 PM

Clips @ Magic – 5:00 PM

Pacers @ Blazers – 8:00 PM (NBA TV)

 

Liga MX

(Home team first, which makes all the sense in the world)

Necaxa v. Atlético San Luis – 5:00 PM

FC Juárez v. Morelia – 7:00 PM

 

Australian Open

Men

Gael Monfils (10) v. Dominic Thiem (5) – 8:00 PM

Daniiil Medvedev (4) v. Stanislas Wawrinka (15) – 10:00 PM

 

Women

Anett Kontavelt (28) v. Iga Swiatek (Unranked GO IGA!) – 8:00 PM

Garbine Muguruza (Unranked; ¡VAMOS GARBINE!) v. Kiki Bertens (9) – 10:30 PM

 

NCAA Basketball

Stanford @ California – 5 PM (ESPNU)

Ohio State @ Northwestern – 5:30 PM (Big Ten Network)

 

Superliga Argentina

(Riots permitting)

Boca Juniors v. Independiente – 6:45 PM

NHL

 

AaaaaandD, there’s a new “Curb Your Enthusiasm” on! [finger jab] I’ve yet to see any of the new season, but my DVR is keeping them warm. I love Larry David, a soul misundertood more than the NFL’s standard of evidence for replay reviews. It saddens me that LD, a man so invested in reason and honesty, gets derailed again and again by ridiculous social mores or the affectations that lubricate human relations. Sure, that stuff keeps persons in society from tearing each others’ windpipes, but still! He’s a tragic hero, to be sure—and the episode when his mother died is crying-from-laughter funny. And I bet Larry slapped Martin Scorsese harder than any Marvel fan could.

Enough digressin’. Go nuts, heretics.
Images via postimages.com

 

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Don T
Poor choices, mixed results. ¡Viva Puerto Rico Libre! Titans4Eva
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Spur

Kristen Stewart is a decent pianist.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

No; she’s a lesbian.

Spur

Tanya Tuckers’s face is pulled to tight she cant blink

Spur

Wrap it up. Mr. Camila has to get back to clean the 2nd floor restrooms

Spur

Booooooooooooooooo – Rodgers

Spur

Camila wants to fuck her daddy.

Spur

Camila honey, shake your ass. The execs are watching . They dont want a downer. Get them up.

Spur

Jim Gaffigan is turning into Philip Seymour Hoffman

LemonJello

Like a Transformer?

Spur

Sweet, DFO is on Spur control. comment image

Spur

“Camila Cabello is about to sing to a very special person in her life” … it’s ok honey Spur wants you to have fun tonight.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show
Spur

You cant let FKA Twigs sing? Bastards

Spur

The camera work is fucking atrocious.

Spur

FKA Twigs gets my inner Thomas Jefferson going

Spur

Want to hate on Usher but i realize this Prince tribute could be a lot worse. (see Timberlake at Superb Owl)

theeWeeBabySeamus

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Spur

Now it’s on. my hate watch of the Grammy’s is on

Spur

someone is WAY TOO excited about a Grammy win. Guys they pass these out like coke. You have nice tits, have a bump.

yeah right

One of my favorite lines from the Grammies was Stephen Tyler of Aerosmith saying, “It’s a good thing we won a Gammy, after the last win we were down to half a Grammy.”

Spur

I dont think Alicia Keys has been around a poor person in a decade

LemonJello

She has to have assistants, right?

And that pool doesn’t clean itself.

Buddy Cole's Halftime Show

The Calabasas mountains came one shy of a double-double today

Horatio Cornblower

By the way, that banner quote is in the running for Banner of the Decade.

Sharkbait

I don’t think I’ll be going back to back in the banner tournament.

Senor Weaselo

Banner Madness 2 will either run from August ‘18-July ‘19 or, more likely, the end of 2019. This one won’t be eligible until Banner Madness 3.

/I reserve the right to change this based on number fudging.

Horatio Cornblower

ESPN for the next two monthscomment image

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Sharkbait

Watching Our Man in Japan. Thoroughly enjoying it so far. Now I want to go to Japan even more than I did before.

ballsofsteelandfury

It’s awesome

Horatio Cornblower

The Carlos Ghosn story?

rockingdog

Weekend reading:
I sexually identify as an Attack Helicopter
https://web.archive.org/web/20200101232918/http://clarkesworldmagazine.com/fall_01_20/

Spur

Alicia Keys sounds like a white person trying to sound black. It’s weird.

Brick Meathook
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Brick Meathook
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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theeWeeBabySeamus

Beverly D’Angelo is attractive.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I will support this opinion.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Hippo; no Randy Gradishar nor Steve Atwater in the HoF; they are demonstratively better than LB and safeties already in. I know it is old news; but FUCK those voters.

King Hippo

godfuckingdamnit I still had some hope for The Smiling Assassin. Terrell Davis is gonna be all those shitasses give us. Still boggles my mind how long THAT took.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Gratliff

The logic on the safeties boggles my mind. When Dawkins was first eligible, the argument was even though he was one of-if not the-best safeties in NFL history, he should have to wait in line behind all the other deserving ones. Then they just put him in the next year anyway. So, at least one Bronco safety went in? Just fucking put all the deserving ones in and quit being shitty about it.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

It’s more about who is advocating for a player than the player.

Horatio Cornblower

This. The NFL Hall of Fame is basically a popularity contest and has zero credibility. The line of deserving players waiting to get in wraps around the block four times while Eli Manning and his perfectly average ass is going to waltz in immediately on the strength of two bad passes that his receivers made miraculous catches on, and his last name.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I know what you are saying. The victories were against the P*triots; he should be a first ballot inductee; no questions.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Ooooh, Vegas Vacation starts in five minutes.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Is your plane landing?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Don’t I wish?
Also, I will avoid going over RTD’s house in the future.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

These outtakes from ‘Brokeback Mountain’ are super weird.

ballsofsteelandfury

Let today be a reminder to everyone that we don’t want flying cars.

King Hippo

folks can’t be drivin’ the land-based cars they done got.

Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

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Horatio Cornblower

“What about Carboats!?” -Chad Johnson

theeWeeBabySeamus

@Hippo… Wes Moore is a good coach. But the poor bastard needs a new haircut.
Yikes.

theeWeeBabySeamus

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King Hippo

yeah, he looks the part of “bus station wino” – but done a good jerb. In a sport I don’t really follow, but still.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

According to the Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esq. (ret.), it is possible that Kobe’s helicopter flew directly over my house.

Doktor Zymm

Def better than directly into your house

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Well, we’re not there. But my pets and in-laws are, so, yeah, that would be bad.

King Hippo

Imagine, coming home to the dog and cat eating Kobe’s corpse!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

The cat would totally do that. Sometimes I think the reason she bites me all the time is to test to see if I’m still alive.

King Hippo

cats are well pragmatic

theeWeeBabySeamus

I was going to make a really bad joke.
I decided I will not.
But trust me, it was at least a little bit funny, even if very cruel all things considered.

Game Time Decision

Rtd farted and brought down the helicopter?

theeWeeBabySeamus

Damn…yours is better.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

In all seriousness, I actually refrained from eating a frozen burrito last night out of consideration for my fellow airplane passengers today.

Sharkbait

Just saw TMZ broke the news about Kobe before the police could inform his family. Bunch of bastards,

rockingdog

yea thats pretty lame on TMZ

King Hippo

Well, PART of his family had a pretty good idea…

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey Oh!!!!

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

When you say “bunch of bastards” are you talking about TMZ, or the police? I assume you’re not talking about Kobe’s surviving children because a) man, that would be messed up, b) they’re all girls, and c) it wouldn’t even be accurate, because although Kobe “put the whistles away” when it came to his marital vows, those kids were born in wedlock.

Sharkbait

Oh TMZ.

rockingdog

Found a funny:
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight

ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down

DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here

herodotus450

This Week in Marketing Brilliance is brought to you by the NHL:
Let’s have our Ajj-Star game and break, and therefore no games for days, during the weekend before the super bowl where there is significantly less sprots watching competition.

King Hippo

Very good point. Explained by GARY BETTMAN, Regional Disgrace

King Hippo

I missed Antonio Brown’s “No More White Women 2020”

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=if5n_DN48jA

theeWeeBabySeamus

Lady Wolfpack beating the shit out of the Lady Tarholes.
Hey, at least it’s moar interesting than the Pro Bowl was.

King Hippo

This would be a great funeral song, for those who believe in pointless ritual:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6bMM61Y5CEU

yeah right

One of my favorite bands ever.

yeah right
King Hippo

Also, HOT DAMN does DonT ever bring it with the GIFs to perfectly complement his delightful writing.

Horatio Cornblower

Hey guys, who’s ready for some Vic Morrow jokes?
/fucken crickets

Yikes, it’s like a jury box in a John Landis manslaughter trial in here.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey, this is gonna be a great movie. Wait, what’s that helicopter doing?

King Hippo

I wish for my death to be completely fucking ignored, just as I wish for every birthday.

Doktor Zymm

I would want a sky burial, but that’s highly unlikely to actually happen. Alternately, people could just chuck my body into the woods to feed the animals and confuse a future generation of forensic investigators

Redshirt

I’ve told my family to take my body to International Waters, dump it overboard and take my Life Insurance money to Vegas.

Horatio Cornblower

/DFO clubhouse takes notes, starts designing a ‘Watchmen’-style trebuchet.

Redshirt

Check in the DFO Shed, in between the Flux Capacitor and the AT-AT.

Senor Weaselo

If it can launch me into the sun, I am fucking IN.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh Dok, we’d never do that to you. We’d just have you stuffed and prop you in the corner of the DFO Clubhouse. It totally wouldn’t end up as a Weekend At Bernie’s sequel.

Honest, you can trust us.

Gratliff

My funeral should reflect the things I loved about life. The eulogy should be in Japanese with poorly translated English subtitles. A large man should choke slam me into my casket and slam the lid victoriously, triggering confetti as “The Final Bell” by Bill Conti plays. My pallbearers will all wear #13 Eagles jerseys and drop me repeatedly on the way out of the building.

Horatio Cornblower

Carson Wentz will be injured during the ceremony.

theeWeeBabySeamus

/buys Flyers jersey by mistake
//drops casket on own toe

yeah right

There would be something karmic about my dead body being fed to pigs.
I actually deserve that.

theeWeeBabySeamus

I can relate on teh birthdays thing. It’s not a coincky-dink that I’ve left town every year on my birthday starting with the big 5-0.

King Hippo

DonT – as a Uruguay enthusiast, what do you know about Matias Vecino? Seems like he might be joining Everton’s “shittastic due to injury and Sigurdsson” central midfield.

blaxabbath

Mrs is taking me out for Korean bbq for my bday dinner.

I’m excited to check this out.

ballsofsteelandfury

Spoiler alert: You’re cooking your birthday dinner.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

And paying extra for the privilege

Doktor Zymm

Get some makgeolli! It’s yum

Horatio Cornblower

We’re getting Mexican for your birthday.

ballsofsteelandfury

Me too!
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King Hippo

Hell gets another rapist/ball hog. Such a momentous day for Murrica.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Frankly, when I die, tragically or otherwise, I actually hope all of you will make fun of me until you’re drunk and passed out.
Lord knows I’ve given you enough material to work with for several days.

Redshirt

I’ve already told people that my funeral will be a celebration. With a two-drink minimum.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’m willing to do this

Senor Weaselo

If someone gives us the location it’ll be a roast!

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Wait, we were supposed to wait until you’re dead?

GUYS, STOP BOOKING THE FLIGHTS

Redshirt

Do we have to? The hit man I hired doesn’t take refunds.

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Wait, you put a hit out on one of the party guests?

How very Clue

theeWeeBabySeamus

/locks own doors

blaxabbath

I always mix you up with Sill Bimmons. Anyone else?

Horatio Cornblower

Guys, I think we have to ban Blax for this. That’s just, I mean, that’s just fucking cruel.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Nah, he’s not wrong. I am kind of a self-important prick sometimes.

Gratliff

You can tell the difference because you’re not a doctor

theeWeeBabySeamus

Actually, I am.
I’ve got a diploma and everything.

Gratliff

Wait. Were you the vet? I get my wires crossed with all the lawyers and doctors and delivery guys and what have you.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hahahahaha. It is a lot to keep up with.
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(but when in doubt, most of those other jerks are lawyerly types)

ballsofsteelandfury

/ starts writing tWBS Roast post

yeah right

/ Starts writing pot roast post.

Doktor Zymm

We can have a twbs memorial cocktail hour at DFOcon! Although why wait until you’re dead, just dress up as a zombie and participate!

yeah right

I’ve got a wet toilet seat for you!

theeWeeBabySeamus

Oh you folks think you’re just SOOOOOO FUNNY!!!!
😀

ballsofsteelandfury

Just wait until the Roast post…

theeWeeBabySeamus

I just hope I live long enough to see at least one of the teams I root foar win another title.
(spoiler alert…I might as well start digging the hole now)

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

Shoulda kept that backhoe you rented

theeWeeBabySeamus

Hey she wasn’t a Hoe she was just a meth head!!!!
Oh wait, you meant….nevermind.

Horatio Cornblower

Oh, I;m not waiting for your death. You come in here with the flu and I’m letting fly.

ballsofsteelandfury

I was in Vegas the night that Lady Di died. The news spread quickly and everyone was talking about it. Just as quickly, it turned into a Burton Guster pickup line. “You heard about Lady Di? That’s messed up, right?”

My point is that I don’t think anyone is getting laid consoling drunk girls about Kobe’s death.

theeWeeBabySeamus

Soooooo…. Did it work?

ballsofsteelandfury

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King Hippo

I remember it well, because everyone seemed aghast at my not giving a liquid shit. There was no DFO nor KSK then,

The Right Reverend Electric Mayhem

And that’s why we exist

yeah right

I was part of an AOL chat room that posted some awesome trivia contests back than. I had to wait until 3 in the morning to post because the internet was new and fledgling and insanely busy and my 13.3 K modem could only do so much.