A Confidence is Lost

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{Exterior, Coach Mike Zimmer’s ranch in Northern Kentucky}

[Door Flies Open]

Coach Zimmer: “Hey everybody, I’m home!”

Maria: “Hi Coach! Welcome home!”

Beansie: “EEEEEKK!”

CZ: “Man, it’s good to be home but I tell ya, I wouldn’t mind being in Miami right now doing some game prep.”

Maria: “You know Coach. You had a pretty successful season really. Getting that road win in New Orleans? That was big for your team.”

CZ: “Yeah, it was. First playoff road win since 2005! Holy shit Culpepper was the fuckin’ quarterback back then if you can believe that shit.”

Maria: “See Coach? You can build on this.”

CZ: “I really appreciate your enthusiasm Maria but dropping Herm Edwards quotes on me ain’t helping.”

Maria: “Just being positive. I liked this team this year.”

CZ: “So did I, Maria.”

Maria: “Even your idiot fucking quarterback?”

CZ: “At times. He’s just so goddamn inconsistent it drives me fucking nuts.”

Maria: “One more year to evaluate.”

CZ: “One more year. Say Maria, where’s Mr. Winkles?”

Maria: “Coach, we haven’t seen Mr. Winkles in over a week. I was going to tell you.”

CZ: “A week? Geez. Well, he’s probably out playing in the woods getting up to some hijinks. He came from the wild after all.”

Maria: “Coach..he missed last week’s episode of South Park.”

CZ: “WHAT?! Holy shit, he never misses South Park. Why didn’t you tell me?”

Maria: “Coach, there’s something else I need to show you. Without little ears.”

CZ: “OK. Hey Beansie? Go play some Xbox or something while I talk to Maria.”

Beansie: “EEEEEKKKKK!!!!!”

CZ: “What is it Maria?”

Maria hands Coach a copy of the local newspaper.

CZ: “Fourth toddler missing? What the Hell?”

Maria: “Look what else it says.”

CZ: “‘In addition to the 4 missing children, locals also reported 14 missing dogs and one missing cat.’ That poor kitty!”

Jesus, this is creepy Maria but why are you telling me this in secret?”

Maria: “Coach, you don’t think Mr. Winkles had anything to do with this do you?”

CZ: “WHAT? Fuck no! That’s insane! Why would you think that?”

Maria: “It says here that neighbors heard ‘snarling and gnashing.”‘

CZ: “So? Lots of things snarl and gnash. Why would you suspect Mr. Winkles?”

Maria: “He’s been running back and forth to his little playhouse out in the woods. Sometimes he’s dragging things. Lately there’s been this horrible smell coming from the woods too. I’m scared, Coach.”

CZ: “You didn’t go in his playhouse did you?”

Maria: “Oh no! No, Coach. You said to never go in there. He’s very protective of his things.”

CZ: “I think this is all crazy anyway. Mr. Winkles wouldn’t hurt anyone. He’s kind! And furry! And he’s helpful. Just look at this Christmas photo.

See! He’s adorable!”

Maria: “I know Coach but something feels wrong about this. Would, would you check his playhouse? Maybe he’s out there!”

CZ: “Alright Maria. I’ll check. You’ll see. This is all gonna be about nothing.”

[Coach grabs a flashlight and heads out the back door]

[Coach hums to himself as he heads towards the woods]

CZ: “Afraid of Mr. Winkles. That’s just silly. Just a couple more miles to the playhouse. Wanted to give that boy all of the privacy he wanted.”

[after trudging through the woods, Coach finally comes upon the playhouse]

CZ: “Playhoos! That’s just so darned cute. God.DAMN what is that smell?”

Coach begins to gag. Holding his nose he turns on the flashlight and enters the front door of the playhouse.

CZ: “Jesus Christ on a goddamn falafel cart it fucking stinks in here. Fuck.”

Entering the dark playhouse, Coach spots a very small table. There’s something on it.

CZ: “The fuck is this? A tape recorder? What the shit is that for?”

He turns the machine on and hears:

“SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH!” a slight pause follows then “RIPSNARLCHOMPCHOMPGNASHSHRED!!”

Coach turns off the recorder.

CZ: chuckling “Just listen to him. What a card.”

Coach sweeps the flashlight around the entire interior of the small shack but finds nothing but claw marks and a small mound of blankets where Mr. Winkles sleeps.

Carrying the tape recorder Coach heads back to the house.

[front door flies open]

CZ: “Maria? Come here to check this out. You were scared over nothing.”

Maria: “A tape recorder? I haven’t see one of those in years! What’s on it?”

CZ: “Mr. Winkles! I think he’s, like doing a stand up routine or something.”

He turns the recorder on and hits play.

“SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH!”

CZ: “Ain’t he the best? Listen to him!”

Maria: “Can you rewind and play that again, Coach?”

CZ: “Sure! It’s awesome!”

“SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH!”

Maria: “He’s saying something.”

CZ: “What?”

Maria: “He’s saying something about you. His Dad.”

CZ: “Are you saying you understand him?!”

Maria: “Yes. I can understand Mr. Winkles!”

CZ: “Fuck right off! You’re telling me you speak goddamn wolverine?”

Maria: “Yes! Didn’t you hire me to help you take care of Mr. Winkles and Beansie? To keep them entertained? What do you think we do here for the months and months you are away from home? Of course I understand him.”

CZ: gobsmacked, “I just.. I mean that’s fucking amazing! Wait, do you understand Beansie too?”

Maria: chuckling “All Beansie does all day is smoke dope and play Xbox. He just says ‘EEEEEKKKK!’”

CZ: “That sounds about right. So what does the tape say? Maybe he’ll tell us where he went.”

Maria rewinds the tape.

Mr. Winkles Voice: “SNARLSNARLGNASHRIPTEARSNARLSNARLGNASH!”

Maria: “He says ‘Father was always fierce! A warrior! Forged in flame and prepared for battle. Fearless!’”

CZ: “Well, yeah. Fuck yeah! You tell ’em Mr. Winkles! Play some more.”

MWV: “RIPSNARLCHOMPCHOMPGNASHSHRED!!”

Maria: “Father beat the heavily favored Saints on their home field! The first step towards glory and destiny with Valhalla!”

CZ: “Hell yeah! Mr Winkles knows his Vikings folklore! He’s incredible! Keep going.”

MWV: “SNARLGNASHSNARLSNARLCHOMPRENDTEAR……snarl..rip…sniff.”

Maria: “Travelling to San Francisco the team was ready. The would shred the Niners to bitty little pieces!! Only, only…”

CZ: “What?”

MWV: “whimpersniffwhimpersob.”

Maria: “Only to punt the ball trailing 27-10 with less than 9 minutes left in the game.”

CZ: “Uhhh..”

MWV: “Sniffcrywhimpersob…sob..sniff.”

Maria: “He says…Coach? This is kind of difficult. Do you really want to hear it?”

CZ: “Tell me Maria. I can take it.”

Maria: “He says…He says ‘My only hope is to leave. To return to the wild. To relearn my ferocity. To return to animalhood. Less I lose my testicles too.’ Coach? I’m so sorry!”

CZ: “Jesus! Little fucker really is vicious. Fuck me. You know what though? He’s RIGHT! He’s absolutely goddamn right! I did go soft, dammit! I lost my intensity. Mr. Winkles is telling the truth!”

Maria: “Are you going to be OK Coach?”

CZ: “Fuck yes I will! I am going to rebuild myself. Mold next years team in the shape of sheer animal terror itself! We will shred our opponents and shit out their bloody remains! Death before defeat!”

Maria: “But what about Mr. Winkles?”

CZ: “He’s right! I don’t deserve an animal that fierce! I have lost my right to keep such a genuine goddamn beast in my care. I tried to turn him into a pet and look what happened! Be well Mr. Winkles. Get back in touch with nature! Become the badass motherfucker you were always supposed to be. Then when your anger, hate and aggression return maybe I’ll do something that will make you proud to come back. Godspeed Mr. Winkles!”

Maria: “Oh Coach! That’s so great!”

CZ: “Yeah but enough of that shit. It’s time for some rest. Hey Beansie!”

Beansie: “EEEEEKKKK!?!”

CZ: “Grab the chillum and the sunscreen ‘cuz it’s time to go back to Jamaica, Mon!”

Beansie: “EEEEK!! EEEEK!!! EEEEKKKK!!!!”

fin