Tom Brady: ‘I Want To Thank All The Insufferable New England Fans For Giving Me A Reason To Get The Hell Out Of Here’ https://t.co/UM3Hgl9rGM pic.twitter.com/Ire8Jd0z2K
— The Onion (@TheOnion) March 17, 2020
NFL Noise: (please keep in mind I typed this up earlier today – I’ve changed what I could.)
The big news of the day is that Dreamboat announced by social media that he’s not going back to the Patriots.
So now the speculation begins:
- Is Robert Kraft just Jerry Richardson with a better vocabulary?
- “[O]ut of respect for the relationship we’ve built, I gave him his freedom.”
- Is it all an attempt to get his price increased?
- Is it the “high road” for when the fine, measured folks of Boston begin attributing blame?
- Did Tampa Bay really offer a 42 year-old QB $38 million per season?
- Is it really just the Bucs & Chargers making bids, and might that actually push him back to the Patriots?
And thanks to a reminder from Horatio, we’ll always have this:
https://twitter.com/HoratioCornblo3/status/1239970034404839427
Of course, there are other factors which will have an impact on what occurs:
- Drew Brees, as expected, re-signed with the Saints.
- Two years for $50 million.
- The estimated home-team discount is about $8 million, based on DAK’s $33 million franchise tag & the fact it’s the exact same yearly amount as his 2018 contract.
- Two years for $50 million.
- Drew Brees’ return + the Taysom Hill tag guarantees Teddy Bridgewater is going somewhere else.
- One report has him negotiating with the Panthers.
- A NESN report has the Patriots looking to sign him.
- The Teddy to Charlotte
rumourfact ispossiblywhy the Panthers have allowed Cam Newton to seek a trade.- Which was clearly not Cam’s idea:
Cam Newton setting the record straight, just like Greg Olsen had to do. pic.twitter.com/ODwUUG9i4x
— Joe Person (@josephperson) March 17, 2020
- If the Bears make a play for Cam, or even Teddy Bridgewater as some reports suggest, possibly Nick Foles, or even Andy Dalton, then Mitch Trubisky becomes available on the open market.
- All of which proves without saying it that the Bears have finally admitted their mistake in drafting Trubisky.
What all that does is muddy the waters for where TAWMMY will land, because there is now more in play than just him, and the trickle-down effect of subsequent decision based on one move.
The official announcement on his landing spot will come after the new league year starts at 4:00PM ET.
Other, non-Brady related news:
- Robert Quinn has left the Cowboys for the Bears.
- Five years & $70 million to play alongside Akiem Hicks & Khalil Mack.
- Aaron Rodgers & Kirk Cousins gonna get HURT!
- Five years & $70 million to play alongside Akiem Hicks & Khalil Mack.
- Jimmy Graham has signed with the Bears.
- Two years at $16 million, with $9 million guaranteed.
- Jason Witten will sign with the Raiders.
- It’s a one-year deal, terms undisclosed.
- Marmalard has agreed to terms with the Colts.
- He will sign for one year at $25 million effective 4:01PM Wednesday.
Today’s [DFO] “dog of the day” comes courtesy of litre_cola’s twitter recommendation.
https://twitter.com/_youhadonejob1/status/1239889937182449665
Those are good doggies.
Tonight’s … entertainment?
- Democratic Primary results – 8:00PM | various news channels
- Ohio might have cancelled, but Arizona, Florida & Illinois have got results to argue about.
- A bunch of other states have now moved their primaries to mid- to late-June.
- The Russian Five – 8:00 PM | NBCSN
- In the 1980s, the Detroit Red Wings tried an unusual strategy to improve their failing team–extracting players from the Soviet Union. While the players faced challenges integrating into a new culture, the team ultimately won the Stanley Cup, and in the process, built a dynasty that lasted almost two decades.
- John Wick: Chapter 3 – Parabellum – 9:15 PM | HBO
- The third entry of the franchise sees John Wick on the run with a bounty placed on him after he kills a member of an underground assassin’s guild. With every hitman in the world hot on his trail, he enlists the help of a trusted ally to fight.
- I didn’t much care for it, but it’s still great escapism from the End Times we currently inhabit.
- Ink Master – 10:00 PM | Paramount
- SEASON 13 • EPISODE 12 • FROM TOAST TO TOAST
- After last week’s shocking elimination, the Artists’ shading techniques are put to the test in a monumentally difficult Elimination Tattoo.
- SEASON 13 • EPISODE 12 • FROM TOAST TO TOAST
Guess we’re all spending St. Patrick’s Day at home. Good luck, don’t spill the Bushmills, and keep it civil.
Dolores is EROTICALLY terrifying.
I hated Season 2 and had my doubts, but the first episode of this season was good enough to at least get me back for another few episodes.
Not gonna lie, I miss seeing a McPoyle as a hero.
The trailer for S3 seems like such a departure that I don’t even understand its purpose. Do they do anything in the park anymore or is it just a completely different series now?
She’s really quite perfect!
Rob Lowe turning out to be a MAGA head shouldn’t be too surprising, considering he pedals shady diets and fucks minors.
On film.
“I don’t mind it” in a female Scottish accent is something that Ben Rothlisberger longs to hear, but isn’t gonna let it stop him if he doesn’t.
Aw, good Christ, she just said “Leavin’ me kinda stiff out here” and I’m about to leave my wife and move to some fucking rock off the Faroe Islands just to hear that again.
The last Scottish lass I talked to would cut off Ben’s balls and grill them up real nice. And same as the one you speak of; the fear boner was diamond-esque.
Friend of mine was having relations with a Scottish Lassie in Alice Springs, Oz. She wanted him to choke her, he declined. She asked why not, he explained that he was concerned if she passed out. She said nae bother, it has happened before. He still declined.
It’s funny that the Scottish groundskeeper’s daughter in Caddyshack that got laid and subsequently was not impregnated by Danny Noonan is the same actress that played the mayor’s daughter that Larry Kroger could have banged in the shopping cart in Animal House if he had been more Trump- or Epstein- or Weinstein-esque. Between those two movies, she was in three otherwise forgettable movies, and was never heard from again after Caddyshack. Sarah Holcomb was her name, and I thought she was pretty hot at the time. Wikipedia tells me that she is less than a year older than me.
No slight on her acting abilities, but I think her character and storyline are the one flaw in Caddyshack. It’s like the SNL parody of Entourage: “oh no, she’s pregnant!” “aww, but Danny offers to do the ‘right’ thing!” “oh no, she’s mad at Danny for that!” “aww, it’s ok, she’s not pregnant after all — yay!”
I am pretty sure you read a whole lot more into that scene than I did. But then, I am a useless thoughtless boomer who thought Eddie Murphy’s AIDS and Herpes jokes were funny when I bought that album back in 1984.
I need to be taken out back behind the chemical sheds and shot, I understand that. Just because I am self-aware is no excuse.
Thinking about that time Sami Kapanen died so that the Flyers could live. Flyers lost to Tampa Bay in the ECF that year in maybe the best series I’ve ever watched, but that postseason has just as many memorable moments as the cup run in 2010.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3pScJ2in7HU
Beer #2. A semi-legendary offering from Treehouse that IMO is not as good as its reputation. Still damn good though.
I stopped drinking beer about 5 or 6 years ago, and was never really a beer snob, but I’m sorry, that looks like Tang there in the glass.
It has a very pronounced citrus flavoUr, in my opinion just a tad too much so.
But if you like New England IPAs this is one of the better ones. The Double Burst down below is one of the best, if not the best. Tastes like liquid weed.
It’s funny, a couple years after I quit drinking beer, I got a wild hair and bought a draft of some decent European lager in a faux Irish pub in Mass, and it reminded me of the first beer I ever tasted, the reaction to which was “shit, that’s fucking awful.” I’m glad other people can enjoy it, but I will continue to pursue the hard spirits and nice reds.
Apparently the Brady to TB rumor is legit.
When his career tanks he can blame MRSA.
Sports! From 2002
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vBy4zDLzQ-I&feature=emb_logo
Sports from 2030, after the rapidly-approaching civil and corporate wars are done. Hope I’m still alive and able to comment here about the games, but I really doubt that will be the case.
You ever see the remake Holy god, it is awful.
That is what I heard, and have avoided. I did watch the original a couple years ago, it really took me back to when I saw it at the old single screen 1930s era theater in Redlands CA back when it was released. Saw a lot of stuff on it’s first run at that theater now that I think of it, including both Blazing Saddles and Young Frankenstein, as well as Jaws.
“We’re gonna need a bigger quarantine.”
Was hoping I could work from home but driving tractor-trailer loads of Guatemalan teenagers up to Canada so they can join the sex trade has been categorized as an ‘essential service’ by our incompetent federal government. When will this madness end? smgdh
Lemme guess, a serial killer who worked Bills tailgates?
As Doctor Demento used to play it, Leonard Nimoy singing a song about Dildo Baggins was a high point of my 1970’s Socal teen years.
Yeah man. We need those teens.
With Biden winning this thing, COVID-19 is our best hope for a Chris Matthews-less future.
“Look, I like you, I really do, but my parents will never accept a mixed marriage”
“And besides, you have 4 extra fingers, Ewww.”
No, she’s got four fingers and a thumb on each hand.
The last time an old white guy got whacked in Florida as hard as Bernie is tonight, Robert Kraft got arrested.
Well, the results of Kraft ……… came in a LOT sooner.
Banner this degenerate.
Also, Larry Kudlow is absolutely Phil Hartman living out his life post-faked death as his anal retentive character.
Hartman was brilliant. Didn’t have as many recurring characters as other SNL players, but made every sketch he was in better. Better, hell, he made shitty sketches work.
“I like it if you like it”
This curling conversation sounds like me telling my wife that I’m OK with her twisting one of my nipples off during sex.
One? Why not all six?
[needs two coat hangers and six paper clamps]
/Moos in BDSM
*PTSD kicks in*
Once you get over the fact that you like it, the better it feels. For curling and injurious nipple-wrenching.
Going back and watching a few Last Week Tonight’s and there’s Chuck Todd talking about how 2% isn’t that bad as he describes the new virus that didn’t get here yet while back in the present, Italian hospitals are overrun with bodies. Always amazing how stupid basically everyone on the planet is.
Being a talking head on television requires a certain glibness that is at best uncorrelated, and probably negatively correlated, with intelligence.
Edited to add: that’s why so many actual experts don’t get invited back to tv shows. They’re too cautious and equivocal and won’t make simple definitive statements that make for “good tv.”
I mean, there’s a reason they don’t let him sully election night coverage no MOAR.
But can you imagine how poorly-run Italian hospitals are? Just imagine a Greek hospital with different names for everything.
Yeah, they let in poor people just ’cause they’re sick.
Well sourced rumor says Utah State Liquor Stores are shuttering in a day or two.
FUCK EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Watching mixed doubles curling and if these mangy Scotch gits beat my new American girlfriend from the Niagara Falls area there will be hell to pay.
There’s doubles curling on? What in blue blazes! They cancelled the world mixed championships. I am furious! I’ll determine why in short order.
Oh there’s every chance I’m watching a rerun and just don’t know it.
Probably is. I’m getting a women’s game of some sort from last year. No doubles.
But that means I’m up 6 lady curlers plus zero man curlers. so it could be worse.
My game has team USA vs. Canada. The US team has the hot twins. I am no longer furious.
I hereby request a .gif of Tom Brady as Bucco Bruce. Internet, don’t let me down. You totally came through on that 2 girls, 1 cup thing I asked for.
You know, this social distancing isn’t such a big deal. The only difference is that now men are also staying six feet away from me.
Unlike the women, they’re playing hard to get. Take a chance, tiger.
Michael Felger should be hunted for sport.
The only primaries I care about are red, green, and blue smh thank you very much Mr. Warren Christopher.
Stupid Herodotus trying to trick me into reading a Wikipedia page about Warren Christopher in order to get the reference.*
*”Oh God, Christopher Warren! Why did you have to grow up and leave all your friends in Hundred Acre Wood! Both of us knew it was inevitable but it still hurts SO MUCH!!!!**
**I’d just like to say that Dyslexia sucks balls
Look on the bright side; if all those fuckers were still running around the Hundred Acre Wood you’d need to find another place to dump bodies.
Dan Lipinski down 47-43%, let’s hope that holds up.
Gov. Whitmer is a cool lady.
My Guinness is broken. I should fix that.
Your Guinness is broken? Who beat your world record?
No beer and we were swamped at work.
Starting my shut-in St. Paddy’s day off with one of these:
Yes, it’s more orange than green, but when it comes to beer that’s a goddamn good thing.
6:43 of a guy talking waaaaayyyyyy too much about beer, something that I am going to get increasingly into over the next two weeks.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=E7ysSgqRY3o
Huh, NBCBoston is talking about Tom Brady. Didn’t see that coming.
Probably in the same hushed tones we’ve been hearing out here about Kobe since CopterBang.
No, they’re actually quite loud about it. I’m not sure these a-holes even know what a conversational tone is.
Do they have resolution on whether today’s events have been Fay-uh?
The early movement seems to be to blame Kraft, which seems like the most Boston thing ever. You ever wonder who’s at fault you find the nearest thing to a non-Irish Catholic and you get ready to ASSIGN SOME FAHCKIN BLAME, BOY-O!
“Kraft, huh? Sounds kinda Jewish, when you think about it.”
—The racist side of my Massachusetts family.
Watch Herr Fuhrer win the Florida EV by the votes of Brady’s brood.
Jizzelle ain’t votin for him.
Found a funny:
incredible achievements while under quarantine:
shakespeare: wrote king lear
isaac newton: laid the foundations for his laws of motion
me: invented the peanut butter and jelly taco
/would eat that
//ashamed of self
I’d go for that, too. Though I’m partial to a PB and pickle sandwich.
I keep forgetting that I’ve been here in South Texas for 45 years and live with the knowledge that tortillas are great substitutes for bread/buns, and often forget that the rest of the nation does not realize this.
I think they just call them wraps and eat them after yoga.
“See Horatio Cornblower’s other Tweets” is an invitation on par to that one bar on Bourbon Street where the ‘girls’ were out front with signs saying ‘You won’t believe they’re not women”
You will. You will believe, but you will never get those images out of your head, no matter how hard you pry at your eyes.
What if I’m willing to pretend I don’t believe?
If you have cash, they don’t have questions.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FeCQDave60E
Another #ShutInEra plus, never even bothered to THINK about wearing green today.
I put my Mike Liut Hartford Whalers jersey.
play “Brass Bonanza” for Deci?
I WILL GIVE YOU MY FIRSTBORN FOR THAT SHIRT!!! HE SLEEPS THROUGH THE NIGHT, DAMN NEAR UNTIL NOON, AND IS FULLY HOUSEBROKEN!!!
I sent you a pic on Slack. Fighting strap and everything! I may have done that years back but I smoke the devil’s lettuce and forget a lot of things.
You have showed me that in the past and I am insanely jealous.
Ummm so china is kicking out American reporters…
Wow
https://twitter.com/BethanyAllenEbr/status/1239957782125662208
maybe they were bogarting terlet paper??
D’awwwww…..DOGGIES YOU CAN RIDE!!!!!!
Plus, free TP.
Those are some rocking dogs
My mother is on the phone with one of my nieces right now and they’re talking about stupid shit and I can’t watch Jeopardy because of it.
On the news earlier, I heard about a guy who killed 7 of his family members and then himself.
I think he might be onto something.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VWuJHbVZBQg
Jeebus Christmas she still on da phone!!!!!!!
6:33? I’m not watching that: there’s no way Louis CK can keep it in his pants that long.
Valid point.
What happens when Trump, Biden, and Sanders all contract COVID-19?
“BAH GAWD! OH MAH GAWD, KING! THAT’S TULSI GABBARD’S MUSIC! SHE’S HERE! SHE’S HERE TONIGHT AT THE ELECTION!”
Tulsi: “Well, I guess I’m Presi-”
DNC: “WELCOME BACK AMY – HERE’S ALL JOE’S DELEGATES AND YOU WIN”
America: “Whew”
You forgot the ‘KA-BONG!’ sounds Amy’s stapler would make as it connected with the back of Tulsi’s head.
LOL wait what? Tom Brady is playing for the Bucks.
Ok then
FL delegates so far – 126 Diamond Joe, 17 Bernie.
Bernie is now irrelevant, just like his Senate record.
Time to wash the Trans-Am.
Maybe he can get some new rims, help bring in teh youths?
Boss Todd tips his cap and outs in a dip.
“Is it first to 500? Asking for a friend.”
-Houston
Cam Newton should go to Foxborough, where he can expect a warm welcome from Patriots fans.
Status Update for Jameis Winston: Free agency is unrestricted. Access to seafood buffets is restricted.
As a teetotaler type, I am woefully unprepared for long-term isolation
heroine – teh other white meat!
HURR DURR I CHOSE THE BUCS SO TB COULD BE IN TB
TB CATCHES TB IN TB LOCKER ROOM
I’d hope for his cock to fall off, but that presumes he ever had one. Ken doll motherfucker.
You’re kidding yourself. That guy’s had more ass than a toilet seat.
ESPN’s coverage of “Brady Is Signing Elsewhere” is now entering its third trimester.
To paraphrase an extremely dark joke I saw elsewhere; the number of people confirmed to be infected with coronavirus in North Korea keeps fluctuating between 1 and 0.
That’s outstanding. (Out standing in front of a gunman, blindfolded, smoking a Kool.)
My brain originally parsed this as a binary joke and was trying to work out how it made sense
Am I gonna listen to Mike Fucking Bloomberg without Sen. Warren shooting daggers at him? No, Other Hippo, you’re sure not!
Not even ¿en español?
makes me miss Liga MX too much
¿Dónde está la biblioteca?
Nutballs ransacking supermarkets + Me working late and needing groceries= My kid eating Potato Scallion Bread for the first time. You’re not the only one that can do equations, Einstein!
Two prison guards down by Detroit tested positive today. I would say that it’s going to light the prison up like a bonfire, but that would require testing the inmates. This whole thing is like watching a game in super slow motion for the first time where you can see everything they should be doing and then wonder why they aren’t as they get pummeled.
It’s very strange to see it happening in such slow motion, yet knowing what’s going to happen the whole time. It’s basically like watching a Raiders’ season.
With Jason Witten, it’ll be even slower motion!
Hippo worries that Nicolle Wallace won’t show up tonight. 🙁
Maybe she wrote your address down wrong? It happens.
I was finally gonna make my big move tonight, too.
She had a cough and didn’t want to get you killed
amazing empathy from a Recovering Republican, chuh chuh!
Brady and Rivers are gonna don new uniforms but Eli-the smart one-is retiring once again tonight in his same old uni. It’s footie PJ’s with lambs jumping across rainbows. BUT STILL…
Andrew Cuomo is an intensely annoying man.
I purchased three bottles of bourbon and a bottle of gin to stock up for St. Paddy’s Day. Now, it’s to ride this shit out, since Pennsyltucky is closing all state liquor stores until March 31.
Those monsters!
Dick, you think it’ll happen out in BC? I don’t think it’ll happen in Ontario unless shit really goes sideways.
Government places maybe but private places no way.
Kornacki tracking the plague too, not just Diamond Joe victories!