NFL Notes:
- Trades!
- The Lions traded Darius Slay to the Eagles for a third- and fifth-round pick in 2020.
- He’s also getting a raise, with a new 3-year, $50 million contract.
- It was pretty much over for Slay after he publicly bitched-out management & Matt Patricia when they traded Quandre Diggs to the Seahawks mid-season.
- That he demanded a raise & a new contract sealed the trip out of town.
- The Lions traded Darius Slay to the Eagles for a third- and fifth-round pick in 2020.
- Released!
- Joe Flacco, after one season in Denver.
- He was was set to make $20.25 million in 2020.
- Todd Gurley, after five years with the Rams.
- They still owe Gurley a $7.55 million roster bonus ($2.5 million back if he signs elsewhere) for this season and he becomes a dead-money hit of $20.15 million on the salary cap.
- Plus an extra $10.5 million if he fails a physical & his base salary for 2020 becomes guaranteed.
- They still owe Gurley a $7.55 million roster bonus ($2.5 million back if he signs elsewhere) for this season and he becomes a dead-money hit of $20.15 million on the salary cap.
- Clay Matthews, after one season with the Rams.
- The move saves L.A. $3.75 million in salary-cap space, with a dead-money hit of $2 million.
- Joe Flacco, after one season in Denver.
- There are “questions” about why Tom Brady’s contract isn’t finalized yet.
- Some say he needs a physical.
- Some say it’s the new CBA language.
- Some allude that other players may want to join him in Tampa.
- Whatever the reason, it’s going to happen – because the Bucs front office just increased all non-club seat ticket prices by 15% in anticipation of the new demand.
- Sean Payton says he tested positive for COVID-19.
- That’s what you get for attending a horse race at Oaklawn Park in Arkansas on Saturday.
- This comes on the heels of players learning their new teams may have added provisions in player contracts stating that failed physicals will result in forfeited signing bonus money.
- Because teams are unable to oversee physicals due to the coronavirus outbreak.
- If they fail a physical at training camp, they could be out their bonus & bound to their contract terms.
Finally, further proof that the 1970s were a better time for watching football on TV.
This Monday Night Football opening two minutes from 1978 is better than watching an entire broadcast now. https://t.co/JOZHARz0ak
— Super 70s Sports (@Super70sSports) March 19, 2020
Today’s internet good dog is Parker, a Bernese Mountain Dog (sorry not sorry) who also has been mayor of Georgetown, CO since February 18th.
Parker, the new mayor of Georgetown, CO, is pretty accomplished. He provides therapy, has an affiliation with the Denver Broncos, and loves the slopes. He's also a dog. #politics #antibad #gooddoghttps://t.co/OEPfm5tsoH
— New Haven Pride Center (@NewHavenPride) March 19, 2020
According to the “official” press release, besides being mayor, “Parker is also the mascot for Loveland Ski Area, Camp Therapy Dog for the Rocky Mountain Village Easter Seals Camp and is featured on most Denver Broncos nationally televised games.”
And he’s got his own Twitter page!
The tie needs to go, however. It’s like Ted Cruz trying to show he’s both no longer Canadian & not the Zodiac Killer.
Tonight’s … entertainment?:
- NFL: Free agency round-up – Day 2
- 9:00PM | ESPN / TSN4
- Classic MLB Baseball – 10:00 PM ON ESPNCLS
- From 1979: Pittsburgh at Baltimore in Game 7 of the World Series. The Pirates downed Baltimore 4-1 to clinch the Series
- Brooklyn Nine-Nine – 8:30 PM | NBC
- Doug Judy is back and this time things between him and Jake are personal. Amy and Charles try to find the perfect new vending machine for the Nine-Nine.
- Top Chef – 10:00 PM | BRAVO – Season premiere
Hosted by Padma Lakshmi. - A mise-en-place challenge set at the historic Griffith Observatory in Los Angeles kicks off an intense battle between 15 of the competition’s fiercest challengers. Then, the first elimination challenge takes the Chefs to the beach to cook a seafood meal.
- Please also consider this a reminder that “Sunday Gravy” with Yeah Right produces dishes of equal or superior quality without all the fucking drama & needless tattoos.
That’s it for me so far this week. Seamus has you tomorrow night with, probably, “The Sexiest Girls of Quarantine”. I’ll be back on the weekend with something clearly pre-recorded. Enjoy your evening.
Line of the night goes to DJ TAJ.
Eldest brother asked me “Are the massage parlors still going to be open”
[Not sure WHY the fuck he asked me]
DJ TAJ responded with “Yes but you can’t get closer than 6 inches.”
Brett Favre:
Just Lurking
Just make sure you stay in the bushes at least 6′ away from the clubhouse.
In case no one knew this, never play poker with Dunstan for real money.
Like all the women tWBS has ever known, I’m better at faking it.
OK, now that was just mean.
AAAAAND funny.
I feel bad because I ride tWBS like he’s an old friend, but I’ve never actually met him. He’s a good straight man.
Well, riding is definitely giving into the curious side, but we are not here to judge.
You see me avoiding moar of this conversation, right?
No one is hoarding lube; there should be plenty.
But you DID meet him at the DFO Subway Crawl through Hollywood and LA.
He was the guy I was smoking out with while we walked down Hollywood BLVD.
Yeah, I realized that about 30 seconds after I posted that and hoped no one would correct me.
Your secret is safe with me.
No worries. I’m very easy to overlook. Just ask the women who fake it.
Dear California:
[raises glass]
To my fellow California residents…to shelter-in-place!
Stock up on booze!
[eyes bottle of Chocolat Kokonut vodka nervously]
Sounds like 4 guys in a lifeboat finally making the breakthrough decision that 3 of them are gonna eat the weakest one.
I have the perfect preparation on next week’s Sunday Gravy!
If anyone here has several recipe cards for ‘Long Pig’ my money would be on you.
It’s a surprisingly and tantalisingly long list.
It should be no surprise that slow braising is required.
And always lots of garlic.
Beggars can’t be choosers in these trying times.
“Funny you should mention ‘beggars’ in the same conversation as cannibalism”
S. Naut, Canadia
Drizly is apparently still essential
WAAAAY ahead of you…
If there is indeed a lockdown in CA, that means I have a couple more days to stockpile here in TX, because our pols are all “Fuck California” n shit.
I checked with Security AND Safety and I’m still deemed “mission critical!”
Let’s see what happens when I try to drive to work tomorrow.
You got any A-10s? Open the hangar and let’s go to Catalina.
I supported my local pizza guy again this evening. I’m going to bed now and will wake up at 2am with the salt shakes. The things I do for my fellow humans in these trying times….
Tried to support my local sandwich shop, only to find that they’re closed til the 25th
Just spitballing here, but maybe you should throw a rock through their front window. Don’t ask me why. I’m not your mother. Yet…
I need to start working out. I’m going to get fatter and I’m already creeping back up to the fattest I’ve ever been
https://giant.gfycat.com/VictoriousColdAfricangoldencat.mp4
https://giant.gfycat.com/PeskyWhimsicalBorer.mp4
Really, the only reason to watch the Drive-in series is for the totals bit
Gee, I wonder what movie that could be.
The King And I?
I’m guessing Lord Jim, but I’m a sucker for Peter O’Toole.
Reminder, the club login for pokerstars is:
Club ID number: 32108283
Invitation Code: National Disgrace
Hurry! Hippo is just giving away fake money!
Almost done!
When do the DFO Unreal Tournament games start?
We’re playing fake cash games now
And the Euchre Club login is? I’m sitting on a left Bower, an Ace and two Kings. They want two points? They’ve got another thing coming!
(Rubs Scotchy’s leg under the table slyly)
(That’s the signal to pick it up, dammit)
I thought that was the signal that you wanted to screw. You being so distant after losing makes so much sense right now.
/I’m so #epiphany, you would’t believe it!
This is kind of a historic day, in that I find myself agreeing with Tucker Carlson.
It sounds like there’s a couple of them that are getting thrown in the sea over this. Apparently those closed door sessions were actually conference calls to their brokers.
Carlson lately has been far more reasonable, (still as asshole, of course), and I suspect it’s because he’s starting to fear the mob and guillotine.
He set the bar so far to nazi that now semi-nazi seems reasonable to you?
In this day and age I’ll take what I can get, but I remain more than willing to be part of the mob that goes after his house.
?itemid=8939538
I just went through the innumerable racist shit, lies, etc., etc., etc., and he says one fucking thing right….. JFC
Torturing immigrant children is “mistakes were made, let’s get past it” but he draws the line at insider trading? A man has to have a code.
resign and await prosecution
No, he should be on his knees with his hands tied behind his back and shot through the back of the head on the steps of the US Capitol building while every fucking TV channel in existence is forced to carry it live. Firearm type and caliber to be voted on by the House of Representatives.
I’d prefer a slow hanging on the parade grounds of Ft. McNair. If it was good enough for the Lincoln assassination conspirators …
That might work, but introduction of “slow” will probably result in a lot of folks tuning out before the final breath has been taken. Machine gun, claymore mine, or flamethrower would probably get and hold a lot more people’s attention.
A couple of hours ago I sent an email to one of my former mentors at the Vet School. I told them they should not be on the news telling people that pets can’t transmit this virus.
He wrote back and told me that this particular virus won’t live in dogs or cats.
I wrote back and told him that if I sneeze on my dog’s face, I dare him to let the dog lick him within two hours.
As far as yet I have not received another response.
Unlike you, he might be busy at work.*
*ZING POW ZONK!
OK, just because I’m “unemployed” doesn’t mean I don’t do things.
“Like Us?”
-Drugs*
*ZING POW ZONK BANANA TURKEY!
The dog in china that was recently killed tested positive for it, and they don’t think he was a host, just that it ended up in his nostrils and was enough to transmit it between people.
Anyone want to come over and tickle my pet pangolin’s belly? He loves it, sometimes to the point where the little poodle lipstick will emerge from it’s sheath.
DFO poker table open tonight
Somebody fucking approve me so I can givz you mah monehs.
IN
I read this as “It’s has been six days. Singe pants” Is it just me?
Now that you mention it, I guess I can see it if I squint.
Today I realized that I’ve been stuck in this house since December 11, and the last time I took PTO was 31 December. And with the foot, even the weekends have been Captain-Willard-in-Saigon-hotel-room-esque, since I could not go anywhere. Now, just as I am able to get around and start going back to the office, this shit happens.
So fuck it, I’m taking a mental health day tomorrow. Home Depot, HEB, mow the lawn, poison some fire ant beds and herbicide somebull thistles (https://www.kingcounty.gov/services/environment/animals-and-plants/noxious-weeds/weed-identification/bull-thistle.aspx), fuckers are like dandelions from Jurassic Park, can get up to 6 feet tall. I spent three springs clearing them out after I moved in here, but they seem to be in resurgence; a lot more of them this year. Given the current world situation, I guess it figures.
“AAAAAAAHHHHH! HE’S BRITISH!!”
I heard L.A. just got shut down like it’s a John Carpenter movie.
I can’t wait for Bruce Campbell to come harvest my face.
I’m not even going to go look. I want to sleep tonight.
Great. The Dr. Mrs. Deadly, Esq. (ret) just cooked up something that had chili oil in it and smoked up the whole house; now I am coughing and getting paranoid that I’ve got the ‘rona.
Your Sharona? Or someone else’s? Meanwhile I’m waiting for poker to dload onto my new computer.
HOW MUCH FUCKING SPACE/BANDWIDTH DOES IT TAKE TO SHOW MY CARDS WHICH SUCK AND TELL ME I LOST???????
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BR2JtsVumFA
Srsly, the fucker is still downloading.
The story behind that song is kinda creepy.
https://www.stereogum.com/2073647/the-number-ones-the-knacks-my-sharona/franchises/the-number-ones/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tNKVWFdhQUQ
(Civil Defense Siren activates in response to Tornado Warning)
Hamilton County residents (in unison): “Aw, fuck. What now?!”
NOW THIS IS A HAMILTON I’D WATCH A MUSICAL ABOUT
Hamilton County.
We can’t help the homeless.
Half of us is addicts.
Our jails are overcrowded.
But if you’re a sports team
We’ll send you a black check.
Horatio – if/when here – LET’S POKER
R.O.B. can get it.
up, up, down, down, left, right, left, right, faster, faster, faster, oh yes
111100011111000011111111000000111111111111000000111111000011111000001111111100000011111111122222222222222222222222222222222222222222……1……1……0
Kinda makes me think of the time Tasha Yar got taken across the scales by Data on Star Trek TNG. Mmm, Denise Crosby….
Funimation all day, Shudder all night. The second I don’t have to go to work, I regress back to 16 year old me.
I tried; I just don’t have that kind of refractory period anymore.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dXT2m6sgbIM
He was a god damn cheat code.
For a period of time the Red Wings Scando/Russkie scouting crew knocked it out of the park on a yearly basis.
In today’s Streak for the Cash GAMBLOR update, you can make picks based on an episode of Shark Tank.
If they do the Marble League on The Ocho on Sunday, remember, the Oceanics finished dead last because of the Host’s Curse.
Some people have a better idea about working from home than I did.
Too late.
Professor Weaselo’s Zoom is up and running! He’s just the TA but they call him Professor and it makes him feel good. They even called me Doctor once!
Fake it til’ you make it!
-Rich old guy’s trophy wife
Link? Maybe I can learn something…..
Show up FOAR poker, consarnit!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X61BVv6pLtw
I still show as having an application pending…no table listed
Youre in!
Shharkbait beat me to it, c’mon in!
Dunstan, APPROVED!
I am there, but I guess you know that.
Shit don’t work in Catalina, just like all the other daggum apps I need! Like MuseScore, and Finale. Or Audacity.
always nice to get a bonus like that
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knHvi4A8v9Q
So apparently the stimulus plan includes some kind of “temporary refund adjustment”?
Thanks, President Simpson!
My stimulus plan involves my wife poking me with a stick at 5:30 am so that I get to work on time.
That is WAY to early to get pegged.
You were so excited to reply you forgot to “o” on ‘to’. I exspect butter from jew.
My comment was fine. I’m throwing a challenge flag and calling my non-existent union rep. You will RUE THE DAY you messed with me!
topeg.
Also; WAAAAY to excited.
Oh here we go again with the Spendocrats and their handouts!
Well my jack-o-lantern futures are imploding but at least I’ve got my Italian Funeral Plot Derivatives keeping me afloat.
Depending on what happens tomorrow I may make a big bet against the Indian and Brazilian stock markets.
“I tried investing in the Stock Market. I told my broker to invest heavily in beef because I have some frozen stuff in the freezer. He’s all, ‘what the hell are you talking about?’ It’s about time for me to switch to another guy, dontcha think?”
-yeahright
So I’ve been watching a lot of motoring shows on Motor Trend channel. Just in the last couple of days I’ve noticed a typical behaviour that is probably going to disappear entirely starting with next season’s episodes (if we still have a civilization next season), and that is the hearty handshake and manly right-shoulder-to-right-shoulder man-hug/bump that happens a lot on those shows.
The white tennis ball hanging from the ceiling that indicates where the vehicle should park in this garage is by far the most fascinating aspect of this pic.
My mother in law has to have one of those.
The elderly man that is the executor of our will, should my wife and I die together has the same thing going on. One time he sharpened the teeth on my chainsaw in his poorly lit basement.
/I feel as though I’ve said too much
That’s to ring for the carpenter.
“Tell another lie, tell another lie!!”
Long-time assistant manager and I would always joke about employees that would quit for greener pastures and then tell us afterwards that, “quitting my job there was the dumbest thing I ever did” because the list of those that have done so is quite long. He gave his notice awhile back, spent 4(!) days at his new job and walked into my office today and asked for his job back.
/tries to find Kids In The Hall sketch where Kevin McDonald is breaking the news to a kid that his father has died and he yells out “IRONY!”
//fails
That’s what keeps me at my job. Its grossly underpaid, but they give me a long leash. As long as I do my job and don’t cost the company money, I’m all but given carte blanche to do what I want.
Live look at Redshirt at work:
There some truth to that, but its closer to this:
Nothing more true than this in the workplace. I am doing things from behind the scenes for an office in another city. I shouldn’t but their launch would have been a trainwreck and I am bored. Only 1 person there knows I am doing it and she sure as hell isnt telling anyone. If I am asked, I have kept the emails back and forth to prove I was busy.
For me, its I’ve been promoted and then recalled because the three people they hired to replace me couldn’t do the job.
I keep my raise though. That was my one condition. That and “I can do this job, all I ask is stay out of my way.”
They probably just like your modesty.
As long as you keep the money. If you get promoted again do you get another raise?
But enough about what our government was doing to prepare for the imminent coronavirus crisis during the month of February.
2nd night in a row we have ordered delivery. I will be damned if they take the last persian restaurant in town.
Jesus that’s some bad compositing. It’s actually bad art direction but compositing should overcome that.
I’m hammered and on final approach to LAX. The ILS is out and I gotta actually land this thing. Fuck. I have no idea what I’m doing and the First Officer is passed out.
Set it on autopilot and circle the airport until the XO sobers up. If that doesn’t work, pretend you got food poisoning and hope a passenger is good at taking directions and learning on the fly.
No, no, if he wakes up he’ll just try to pull that maneuver Denzel Washington did in Flight.
That’s just bad direction. That could’ve been fixed with camera angles and putting Xerxes on a platform.
Also, props to the makeup and wardrobe department.
/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/200?cb=20120405190204
“You’re going to feel a slight pressure…..”
You’re the kind of unsung hero that no one sings about.
I tipped 52% on a takeout order this afternoon to help a Bob Evans. This Coronavirus thing better end fast, or I’ll be out of money.
I tipped 25% in advance on an order from a pizza place earlier just to have my order completely fucked up. Good to see not everything’s been affected by the virus.
I spent my day of work from home by working through the back half of Ori and the Will of the Wisps. Extremely good, gorgeous game. Go play it.
A friend of a friend did the soundtrack for that game. It’s on my list.
Based on that name, I’m gonna assume that friend is Brick
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ClCW2A1355A
My solution to the kids spending Spring Break skin-to-skin on the beach during an epidemic and when asked say “We’re young, we can survives the Coronavirus, its just a bad cold anyway”: Quarantine them at the beach permanently. We’ll keep them from spreading the virus and filter out the gene pool all at once.
THIS is the “nuke the island until it glows” island.
Dammit, now I’ve got competition. HIPPO YOU STAY AWAY FROM THOSE DOGS.
(there’s a sentence I never expected to say)
Live look of Low Commander “working” from home:
I mean, I didnt do much more than that
BTW, screw GameStop. Bought a game last week for full price and 3 days later it goes on sale for $20 less. When I called they told me too bad because I opened the package, duhh I’m playing the game, but didn’t buy insurance.
Really want to support these guys but shenanigans like this push me to buy my next games directly from the PS app.
THERE is our DFO caper idea. Let’s fire bomb Balding’s GameStop!
PARODY
I’m still in favor of trying to get BFC to eat weird shit.
Maybe that’s just me.
They made me want to firebomb them when I bought a game to be delivered but rather than sending a new game they sent me a used game inside a plain case with the cover being a printout of “GameStop used game” saving me a whopping 200 cents.
After this experience I’m now feeling sorry for them
That’s why I only buy cheap ass games at GameStop. Anything over $20, I either buy at another store or I download.
My favorite was when I show them a list of my NES games and they said they’ll take $12.60 for everything. My Mega Man games alone are worth ten times that much.
We can have a “go to meeting” to smooth out rough edges from the first caper, then bomb yours too
We can always pull a Ocean’s Eleven and steal the game cartridges and disks.
REMINDER – the DFO Imaginary Poker Pals are assembling at 9p EST, on Poker Stahs
9pm on the dot? Or if I have to take an unexpected shit can I sit in on the next hand. And when I “sit in”… Well, I’ve got soap.
Apparently, I missed all this. How, where, when, is there a password?
Club ID number: 3210828
Invitation Code: National Disgrace (edited)
you get to this through the “home games” link off the PS site
I signed up. Ready to lose some fake money tonight…
Ring game or Monopoly money?
uh…the money is as imaginary as teh ppls
So my wayward, slacker brother may be out of his dream job soon because of the Coronavirus. Thankfully he handles bad deals in life like an adult and doesn’t complain, blame others and drags everyone into his drama. And if you believe that, I’ve got some prime oceanfront property to sell you in Kansas.
Is it the most neutralest of oceanfront property?
People give it a 2.5 out of 5 stars.
Day 3 of Work From Home: I discovered that I could put my laptop out of arms reach and just move the mouse sitting next to me on the couch to keep an “Online” presence.
There are apps for this….. seriously
Dept of Defense won’t allow me to download anything at all for installation on their computer.
If I keep my fingers on the touchpad on the laptop whilst sitting in my recliner, I can snooze just fine and the Skype for Business status board will continue to show me as Available. Shit’s all kinda going away though now, since so many people are working remotely the VPNs are overloaded and IT is asking us to use OWA instead. That’s a piece of shit, but at least you can go fuck off for a while.
I’ve set my Out Of Office to send
“I am currently working remotely. Since a lot of other people are doing the same, our servers may be overwhelmed and connectivity sporadic. If your email needs immediate attention, please call my cell phone.”
So it’s more or less just like your penis?
High over eastern Utah right now. Here’s a drink on you:
When you fly Delta you better believe the bottled water is from The Coca-Cola Company.
Why haven’t they collected your urine sample yet?
Who says they haven’t?
Wow I only just got this joke. My whisky looks like urine. I am much more hammered now than I was when that photo was taken, earlier today, by me.
So will Mayor Parker the Snow Dog go all Trumpian and shitcan the town dogcatcher and then not replace him?
Forgot to mention: following the firing and not replacing of the dogcatcher, there will be an outbreak of rabies.
Message for Balls: No, it was Thunderball that I was thinking of. It was a variation on a recovery method used by the military and intel services to recover spy satellites returning from orbit back when they still used film they had to develop. You can skip to about 0:40 or so if you don’t care about watching Sean Connery and Claudine Auger swimming and climbing into an inflatable life raft:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RVwRDtEEEes
They did a similar trick in The Green Berets
Man, I haven’t seen that movie since it was in the theater. But I remember now. The only thing that I took away from that was the AC-47 Spooky gunship. The Duke called it in to kill a bunch of VC and the pilot says in a singsong voice “It’ll only take a minute” before unleashing hell on them guys.
Of course the clip is on Youtube. Goddam, it’s exactly as I remember seeing it in 1968. Weird what stays with you. Go to 1:25.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SQRGuX_a5Fg
Also: The Corona satellites developed their own film in orbit. Now that’s some sci-fi shit right there.
Nice! I know what you’re taking about now. Cool!
/ found a funny
“Oh, I hope the 2020s are like the Roaring Twenties.”
“Fine. There’s an world wide pandemic.”
“Wait…”
“The stock market is cratering.”
“Um…”
“And all the bars are being forced to close.”
“Oh, I hope the 2020s are like the Roaring Twenties.”
Monkey paw glows and closes a finger
The middle finger is the only one fully extended
Again, fuck everything. Fuck the world.
Its already getting fucked over. Anything else happens, we’ll be entering “run a train” levels of fuckitude.