Talking Pandemic – With Special Guest

DFO talked to convicted murderer and anti-technology ideologue Theodore Ted Kaczynski about COVID-19. Commonly known as The Unabomber, Mr. Kach—

Ted Kaczynski: Wait. Ideologue? Do not insult me.

Door Flies Open: May I finish the voiceover?

Ted Kaczynski: No. You told me this was a TED talk.

Door Flies Open:

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Ted Kaczynski: Yesterday a Corrections Officer showed me a picture of European cities completely deserted, with the caption Humans Are The Virus.

Door Flies Open: That’s still making the rounds, huh. I guess it’s topical, with all the talk about a remake of The Matrix–

Ted Kaczynski: Shh! I am not a prophet because it is obvious that Nature will end up crushing humanity. Or whatever is left of Nature after the extinction of Man. The very folly of—

Door Flies Open: Woman. Man or woman, man! Geez…

Ted Kaczynski: Quiet! Still gloating over here. The renewal of the Earth upon the absence of men milling about…

Door Flies Open: 

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Ted Kaczynski: …AND WOMEN, who everyday… Criminy. I lost my train of…

Door Flies Open: Sexism?

Ted Kaczynski: …thought for a minute. Ah, it is not important. Just so you know, it was a logically hermetic rant on the correlation between contamination and video-based media…

Door Flies Open: Yeah yeah, Tik Tok—

Ted Kaczynski: Do not hurry me. Or, better yet. Tell me: is being locked down getting you all nervy? Already? Ha!

Door Flies Open: No comment. Asshole.

Ted Kaczynski: But yes, tic toc, tic toc is the sound of the Clock of Humanity running out, which will also mark the end of the utter destructiveness otherwise known as Modern Life. By the way…

Door Flies Open: Tell me.

Ted Kaczynski: You will take care to capitalize some terms, yes?

Door Flies Open: Since we started, the speech-to-text transcriber has been on Tract setting.

Ted Kaczynski: Splendid. The menace of mass death is upon the planet, only this time it is… Human?

Door Flies Open: 

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Ted Kaczynski: Human Death is causing widespread panic. Meanwhile, every day millions of plants and animals are Slaughtered Daily to manufacture unnatural comforts like ivory diapers, avocados in winter, beers made with chocolate…

 Door Flies Open: Hey now, that’s—

Ted Kaczynski: But some quote, Sensible Persons will tell you that the steers are not to be slaughtered, nor swine nor chickens nor other creatures with developed nervous systems. On the other hand, every citizen expects, without a shade of remorse, that plant life be exterminated at will because a stalk of corn lacks the expressive eyes that are required for a cute slash funny picture. Mankind—don’t scold me!

Door Flies Open: 

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Ted Kaczynski: Mankind goes about the annihilation of the Earth like so much business. Massive deforestation and destruction of habitats are but tasks in the service of income and growth, two objective parameters for quote, Business Success. When defiling the Natural Order becomes a Professional Enterprise…

Door Flies Open: What? Ted, you sound like a… Pinko.

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Ted Kaczynski: These abstract constructs to which you attach yourself are irrelevant. Nature is All: being a communist, a capitalist, a juggalo, is nothing to Nature. Nothing! And Nature does not fight back. Instead, Nature exists as an inexhaustible mesh of interconnected Life that is well beyond the grasp of human intellect, and is therefore grist for unquenchable hubris. To endow personal characteristics to Nature, such as seeking revenge, is the height of arrogance and folly. And trite! Hoo boy is that tired crap. On the other hand, have you seen the number of Category 4 and 5 hurricanes that have formed in the last four years? I must admit that makes me giddy. Heh. Any projections for the Caribbean this year? Keep polluting The Planet with millions of plastic packets of single-serve cheese and saltines! Speaking of which: do you have enough non-perishables for the start of hurricane season in, what, three months? Heh. Think you will still be on lock down by then?

Door Flies Open: I still have some supplies left from the earthquakes last January. So there.

Ted Kaczynski: HAHAHAHAHAHAHA [manacles rattle]

Door Flies Open: You’re awful festive. Care to shake your chains like castanets?

Ted Kaczynski: Oooh. Heh. What can I say. Solitary is great. Pandemic’s the cherry on top.

Door Flies Open: Psycho loves The Hole. Shocking.

Ted Kaczynski:  Honestly, though. I am not up to date. What’s the death tally? Is there mass hysteria yet? Is the national discussion centered on quote, The Economy?

Door Flies Open: I won’t indulge your kicks.

Ted Kaczynski: Ok, seriously though. It was very irresponsible to call the coronavirus quote, Chinese virus. That virus consists of destructive genes encased in lipids, which sounds All American am I right HA HAHA…

Door Flies Open: 

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Ted Kaczynski: For a virus this contagious, in which the infected can pass it on without showing symptoms, I would think that the federal government’s real concern is citizens massively dying…

Door Flies Open: Mm.

Ted Kaczynski: …to get back to the workplace! Goodness gracious. Listen, listen! Isn’t it better to die striving for riches than being buried poor?

Door Flies Open: 

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Ted Kaczynski: Anyone used that yet? Son of Sam laws don’t apply to catchphrases, you know. Credit me!

Door Flies Open: I think the dead from COVID-19 are incinerated far from relatives and loved ones. Anything to add to that shitty slogan?

Ted Kaczynski: Didn’t mean to get jocular, but yes. I was having too much fun. Still am! Ha ha. Oh my.

Door Flies Open: So mass death makes you personable. Noted.

Ted Kaczynski: You’re welcome.

Door Flies Open: Heard much sneezing lately in your block?

Ted Kaczynski: Naturally. It’s A Workplace.

Banner via Wikipedia, original sketch by Jeanne Boland.