NFL Noise: Two days until the Draft
- The League office has helped Dak Prescott in a couple of ways today.
- They reviewed the restricted free-agent signings, and revised Dak’s franchise tag value upwards, from $26.824 million to $31.409 million.
- The second assist is that this should forced the Cowboys’ hand in salary negotiations, since they just lost $5.0 million against their overall cap.
- They reviewed the restricted free-agent signings, and revised Dak’s franchise tag value upwards, from $26.824 million to $31.409 million.
- Former XFL commissioner Oliver Luck is suing owner Vince McMahon for wrongful termination.
THAT’S SHANE MCMAHON’S MUSIC! - He claims he received the termination letter on April 9, one day before the rest of the staff were laid off, and three days before the official bankruptcy filing.
- He is suing McMahon directly because he was fired, not laid off.
- Luck’s suit against McMahon indicates Alpha – the XFL’s nominal parent company – petitioned the bankruptcy court to reject many executive contracts.
- The lawsuit seeks unspecified damages, attorney’s fees and interest and a declaratory judgment on fulfilling the terms of the contract.
- He reportedly signed a $20 million contract for three years in May 2018 when he was hired; no length or terms were actually disclosed.
- He claims he received the termination letter on April 9, one day before the rest of the staff were laid off, and three days before the official bankruptcy filing.
- Hot off the presses – GRONK! is back in the NFL.
- The Patriots traded his rights & a seventh-round pick to Tampa Bay in exchange for a 2020 fourth-rounder.
- This gives TAWMMY a reliable, likely herpes-infested target to focus on while Bruce Arians tries to upcoach the new draft picks.
- Expect Twitter waves of burnt jerseys any day now.
Agent Drew Rosenhaus tells me, "Rob has agreed to play for Tampa this season.
He will honor his current contract at this time.” Gronk has taken his physical. https://t.co/Epnwrv86Ha— Ian Rapoport (@RapSheet) April 21, 2020
- Speaking of Dreamboat, he violated the City of Tampa Bay’s COVID parks ban, and got caught.
- PARKGATE! marks the unofficial start of the Brady era in Florida.
PARKGATE! marks the official start of the Tom Brady era in Tampa. Much like SPYGATE!, this will note the Bucs' official entry into the NFL limelight, and thus increased scrutiny from the league office. Congrats! #OnceACheaterAlwaysACheater
— Official cicerone to King Charles III (@beerguyrob) April 21, 2020
Finally, listen on the horizon for the haunting cadence from femur drums, for the Chargers have introduced their new uniforms.
the best got better. pic.twitter.com/UTXPM8yYvI
— Los Angeles Chargers (@chargers) April 21, 2020
When reached for comment, noted Spanos detractor Low Commander intoned, “I’d rather throw myself off the Coronado bridge than look at those abominations for another second, and that Dean Spanos deserves to die in a fire after having his balls hooked up to a car battery until it loses charge.”
In separate, horrifyingly corporate synergy news, Bud Light is teaming up with fans/cheap drunks to send virtual boos to Roger Goodell on draft night. 
In an #UpForAnything promotion straight out of a Darren Rovell fever dream & reminiscent of the campaign that killed a once-beloved site and gave birth to this popular one, “Bud Light is doing its part to keep the tradition of booing NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell during the draft alive”.
- They want people to record themselves booing their screen, hashtagging #BooTheCommish and @-ing Bud Light.
- They pledge that for each #BootheCommish thru April 25, they’ll donate $1 to NFL Draft-a-Thon up to $500,000.
Today’s good dog video is actually of a good person saving a dog from getting hit by traffic somewhere in what appears to be Iran.
This guy risks his own safety to save a dog along side highway from certain disaster.
byu/memezzer innextfuckinglevel
Next fucking level indeed.
Tonight’s … entertainment?:
- 2017 NFL Draft – 8:00 PM | ESPN2, 3 HRS 30
- recoil in glee/horror as the Bears trade up from three to two for Mitchell Trubisky.
- And pass on such busts as Christian McCaffrey, Patrick Mahomes & DeShaun Watson.
- recoil in glee/horror as the Bears trade up from three to two for Mitchell Trubisky.
- American Experience – 8:00 PM | PBS – THE MAN WHO TRIED TO FEED THE WORLD
- The story of M.S. Swaminathan, the man who would not only solve India’s famine problem but would go on to lead a “Green Revolution” of worldwide agriculture programs estimated to have saved one billion lives.
- No notes on whether it will discuss the longer-term sociological and financial problems that some say is now the negative legacy of the project.
- The story of M.S. Swaminathan, the man who would not only solve India’s famine problem but would go on to lead a “Green Revolution” of worldwide agriculture programs estimated to have saved one billion lives.
- Let’s Go Crazy: The Grammy® Salute To Prince – 9:00 PM | CBS / City
- CBS, the Recording Academy® and AEG Ehrlich Ventures celebrate Prince in this new special. Sheila E is one of the many starts performing.
- I predict:
- A couple of “Huh, that’s not bad”‘s
- A montage of songs you wish were all full-length
- Many covers which will have you screaming for a Hague War Crime tribunal
I’m eerily poised for the Draft, if only for the inevitable screw-ups, and sight of Mark Davis asleep in the old man’s Barcalounger while all around try to wake him to find out their pick, but they’ve lost their poking stick.
Pictured: young Balls
https://vm.tiktok.com/7DEbcW/
young balls
[Jerry S. perks up]
More old manuscript fun.
Hey everybody!
Quick check: I’ve got an idea for a post.
You know how we’ve got these amazing stories from the people who are locked down and how they’re dealing with things?
It’s called “Cabin Fever?”
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/?s=cabin+fever
I’ve got another idea for anyone who is still dragging their asses out into a polluted ecosystem for a paycheck.
If you are one of these unfortunates, as I am, or have an interest in this subject lemme know!
Mask up motherfuckers!
We’ve got a theme song and everything.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QrrEo3hZABU
There are some desert iguanas that look at my hands and say “Damn Son! Use some lotion!”
95% of my job is home-based. Wifey is an “essential” as a nurse practitioner who runs a birthing unit. I’m the stay-at-home dad. THE LIQUOR STORES HAVE BEEN CLOSED FOR A MONTH! Ohio and West Virginia now mandate something other than a PA license to buy booze there. Shipping booze is stoopid expensive, and takes up to ten business days.
AVENGE ME
Shout out to your wife (and not for the usual reasons I’d type this). Please tell here “Baby, well done. From some weird internet asshole, but he still appreciates it.” Sorry about the booze, Colorado term those businesses essential.
Here’s to when we can restore safely:
Yes, great idea.
Fuck this week
Fuck this year. In fact, fuck every year since 2016.
Week?
Lt. Gov. Dan Patrick: ‘You cannot stop COVID 19 you can only hope to contain it”
This pandemic is going to ooooooooooovertime
NOTHING but the bottom of the casket
Found a funny:
friend: u know how neat it is when 12 ppl shout over each other in real life
me: no
friend: [sends me a zoom link] well ur in luck
I tell people I have a Napoleon complex. I’m not short but I do get a complex whenever I see this!
https://youtu.be/1sf2XbdTiCo
These “protesters” clamoring the GUBMINT OPEN are the same cheesedicks who claimed NOBUMMER was TARMPLIN ON STTAES RIGHTS #2A
We are indeed living in ironic times.
Many of them didn’t even bother to change their signs.
When the Women’s March happened, the media kept saying things like “well, I don’t know… some of these people are protesting Trump’s immigration policies, and others are protesting his sexual assaults of women. Why can’t they have a consistent message?”
These militia groups show up with guns and Confederate flags and anti-Semitic signs, and it’s all, “anti-lockdown protests are growing in power!”
Looks like a lot of citizens in the Southeast US are going to be killed by their governors. Maybe this will be a comeuppance for the Southern Strategy.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Southern_strategy
Isn’t your state forsaking the living for the economy?
I haven’t seen anything official. Just that fucking idiot Lt Gov Dan Patrick wanting to throw our seniors into the caldera as sacrifice to the Economic Recovery/Re-Elect Trump gods. We’ve had 43 confirmed cases and 6 deaths in my county (Comal, please just look it up, exurb of San Antonio and very Republican). Since I work for the Dept of Defense I haven’t been ordered back to work yet. If they demand I return to the office, I will tell them fuck off, I have 7 weeks of annual leave and 4 weeks of sick leave on the books, I can disappear and go do a Carlos Castaneda in the desert for 3 months.
My primary concern is that if the Orange Pustule gets his wish and there are armed astroturf uprisings, which way are the generals going to go? I’ve lived through two military coup d’etats, one in Philippines and one in Turkey, and as long as you aren’t the guy getting stood up against the firing squad post with the cigarette and blindfold, it didn’t seem so bad.
Dan Patrick seems like the kind of guy who gets fragged even if he’s not in the military.
Eh, a lot of them don’t even want to be citizens of the United States of America anyways.
Yeah, and fuck Mopar guys anyway. Chevy Rules!!
Moving on to Happy S2. I watched S1 from my bed while in and out of consciousness from a wicked flu last spring, so let’s see if the violence holds up.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KF0ajnPeL2I
Sorry Unsuprised, this stay at home but still work all the time, magats, and idiocy of my family is getting to me really bad, normally I am a bit more relaxed.
COBRA. Motherfucking COBRA.
It’s like the Democrats are paid to fucking lose.
Cobra?
Wut’s da fukkin’ prahblem wid dat?
I read recently, and also many years ago, that Stallone was originally tapped for the Alex Foley part in Beverly Hills Cop. He wanted to change the Foley name to Cobretti or something else similarly intensely Italian. Glad they ran him off, because BHC I is fucking brilliant. Not gonna fall for any banana in the tailpipe gag.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uiYJeRjpX4E
“No notes on whether it will discuss the longer-term sociological and financial problems that some say is now the negative legacy of the project.” – like saving a billion people in an already crowded planet so they could breed and make the situation worse?
I am not that insensitive to the plight of the starving, but I would have been more impressed if he came up a contraceptive to add to the food to stave off future issues. Save a billion now and have 2 billion to feed in 50 years.
A student of Malthus, I see.
More like getting rather tired of watching what we have as a population shit the bed and act like it is a layer of rose petals. Lots of emails from my brother wanting the restrictions lifted and his pro Trump shit have made more of a miserable misanthrope than I already was.
I also get annoying emails from your brother; but that’s just because Im catfishing him.
Good, just pretend to be an evangelical that loves snake handling and drinking strychnine and you will be his BFF.
Sounds like he might become your late brother, sooner rather than later…
I hate to say this, but at this point, I’m ok with that. If a movie could represent a church, his would be Deliverance (glad I don’t have a pretty mouth).
I have family members who I wouldn’t mind seeing being swept up thusly:
Fuck off.
Resource consumption has nothing to do with population size. It’s just that some countries consume more resources than entire continents several times their size.
Now do the finite supply of water and how adding 3-4 billion people to the planet since 1970 is going to work out.
It’s going to mean we have to eat shit for a couple of decades.
Till what, enough of the population dies to reach an equilibrium? For people to wake and realize we have to work together to solve the issues. We’ll be eating soylent green and scavenging for cockroaches before that happens.
Really, so LA’s or any large cities water woes have nothing to do with it’s number of consumers?
More than a 9/11’s worth of Americans died over the last 24 hours from coronavirus.
Never forget (what a great job Trump has done after inheriting a broken government from Obama)!
Uncle Joe is on the way to make it all better!
So…we have to re-open everything or the terrorists have won?
So… time to pass the VACCINE Act?
As long as it include a rider for $30 million of taxpayer money to support the perverted arts.
You mean the next Kid Rock cruise?
So who gets invaded?
Nobody. There won’t be any more wars because we have to practice social distancing.
Pay attention.
Well we do excel at killing people from a distance via remote control weapons.
Half the vaginas in Tampa.
Babushcats
Not a cat guy but I like this comrades.
Gandhi solved their famine problem when he led the subcontinent to kick out the British.
And then he fired off all the nukes, if the video games have taught me anything.
One of these days I’m going to go into the dispensary across the street from me
Cats.
https://imgur.com/a/k9OIIp2
Guess who didn’t get his weed in the mail today?
The same guy that will stop bitching because he forgot a certain DFOer sent him a free bag last time.
Damn posties.
Someone showed this to the tangerine fiend and now we have a Space Force.
Oh yeah. I’m still gonna send it. Just have to get one of those flat rate things. These things take time
I’m glad you didn’t misspell that “pasties”.
https://www.cincinnati.com/story/entertainment/2020/04/21/bacon-meets-avocado-frischs-has-new-california-inspired-big-boy/2996649001/
To my dying breath, I will never forgive California for ruining both Big Boys and bacon!
“Big Boys? Never been a fan…”
-J. Sandusky
A reminder from Héctor Lavoe & Willie Colón
Last song from that album
https://youtube.com/watch?v=7IX8U6Twjus
The fact that my dad had this album and I listened to it constantly as a child
Is probably why I liked this so much when it came out:
(David Byrne’s Rei Momo, if you can’t make it out)
and why I am going to check out these Colon and Lavoe guys. Thanks for sharing!
Willie Colón was the trombonist and leader. After employing the best singers of their generation (and stiffing them), Colón thought he could sing (no). Then, he transitioned into NYC politics for about a decade, where he honed his skills for his present venture: being a social media asshole.
Héctor Lavoe is, at worst, in the top 3 of salsa singers. Marc Anthony played him in “El cantante”. Lavoe died in ‘86, but was immortalized in song for being always late.
https://youtube.com/watch?v=VkNRF32Hhvc
I’m just glad that as a guy in PR you weren’t offended by my mentioning of a Cubano bandleader. Or if you were offended, you were polite enough not to mention it… I love all that Latin jazz style stuff, and I blame Perez Prado and my dad for having his album.
Nah, that stuff doesn’t offend me. There’s tons of beefs between us Caribbean folks, but there’s a special affinity between Cubans and Boricuas—“the two wings of a single bird”, as José Martí put it. Pérez Prado is a giant.
Cubans also claim salsa, but say Puerto Ricans play it better. I’m cool with that.
The Bud Lite sponsored boos finally made me understand what my leftiest of Profs. meant about “coopting”. It means “thoroughly declaw a ‘Fuck You’”.
Name of the YEAR Yea!!!!!!
https://unnamedtemporarysportsblog.com/heres-your-2020-name-of-the-year-bracket/
UNNAMED TEMPORARY SPORTS BLOG YEAH!
Oh, these are some good ones. I’m gonna root for Dr. Reason Machete.
“Not gonna lie, every last man on earth hung from a tree and vulnerable blondes getting fucked by robots really turns me on!”
-King Hippo
Those robots? Powered by pills taken from our medicine cabinets!
PENISGATE!
Is this a new brand of chastity belts?
What happened? Did Trump whip it out during today’s Coronavirus Rally?
With that size whipping is most likely not possible.
Oh, you know he’s got a gold Whizzinator emblazoned with the Presidential Seal.
Shake the hips.
Comment from that Website That Shall Not Be Named because its that good:
“Gronk leaving as WWE 24/7 Champion means that Gisele will eventually be the 24/7 Champ, right?”
Momshirt Health Update:
She may not have cancer in her mysterious ladypart plumbing, but they will have to be removed next month because they are precancerous and it is causing her severe pain and discomfort. She’s already been fixed (her words, not mine), so she’s done having kids and all that’s parts doing is causing her pain and eventually cancer if it doesn’t get removed.
Her spirits are guarded but she’s happy that she finally has an answer after two months of not knowing what was wrong with her and she starting to see light at the end of the tunnel.
Redshirt Mental Heath Update:
I continue my role as Acting Mom for two more months with no help from rest of family. If it wasn’t for my mother needing someone to look after her and take care of the house, I would’ve aimlessly walked away weeks ago like a shellshocked John Rambo at the end of Rambo: First Blood Part II. As for my spirits:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sh5S3OxiE-s&t=1m49s
Redshirt, you’re a good man.
Good luck and be patient. I looked after my granddad for almost 15 years when he was in his 80s and 90s; he was in pretty good shape, but I did have to nurse him through a couple heart attacks and a broken hip (on his 90th birthday). Requires a lot of patience and understanding.
Goooooo Redshirt!
Keep fighting the good fight, man. Best wishes to your mother.
Good on you.
/reposting
Florida Warden: “Hey, you! Get the hell out of this park! You’re not supposed to be here!”
Brady: “Don’t You Know Who I Am?!”
Florida Warden: “No, not really.”
Brady: [sighs, feels deflated]
Alternate ending:
Brady: [sighs, feels relieved] Thank you. [slowly hugs the warden; crying] Thank you. Thank you.
That sounds like some Boston or fanboy ending.
Look at Redshirt, thinking that Brady has self-awareness. smgdh…
I thought Alex Guerrero made him give up self-awareness at the same time he quit eating strawberries.