We have professional futbol this morning!
We head to Germany where they are so efficient they ain’t care bout no virus. They’ve been through worse.
We decided in the name of efficiency to give our brief opinions about each team so you can pick one for yourself. I do not know about the rest of the gang but my German futbol knowledge is very rudimentary due to it being a pay channel here in Canadia. It is not a pay channel now due to the scarcity of sports so IT WILL BE ON MY TV!
I am very torn on the no fans aspect. The game day experience is what really got me in to the sport and I do not know how it will feel in empty stadiums. I wonder if pubs will be packed with people watching or will everyone adhere to distancing? The reason that I speak of the gameday fan experience is that all of these clubs must have a majority of voting rights. Wikipedia breaks it down here and I think that it is a superb system for professional sports.
I am going to do this in the order of where they sit in the table;
Bayern Munich 55 Pts
Great city, great stadium, hard to hate them just because they are so good. Canada’s best player Alphonso Davies plays here. He is a joy to watch.
Balls: I was supposed to be in Munich the day before Bayern played in the Champions League and I was going to get a scarf for my good friend Litre and send it to him. Then some stupid virus got in the way. Munich is by far my favourite German city and Bayern is their team. There is another team there, but it’s the German equivalent of Espanyol and Barcelona. Ironically, they are also blue and white.
BTW, I just picked up my car that was shipped from Munich. Guess which team I’m rooting for?
Borussia Dortmund 51 pts
I have said it before, all that Haaland kid does is bang in goals. I definitely enjoy watching these guys more than any other team. Their fans are my favoUrite in the world.
Balls: The Tifos, as they are called, are indeed the best in the world. I mean, look at this:
My second favourite team.
RB Leipzig 50 pts
Upon research all futbol purists hate these guys.
Balls: They hate them because they’re good now and Red Bull basically manipulated the majority-owned system to buy good players and improve the team. Ironically, these “purists” also love English football and teams like City and Chelsea that are owned by foreign billionaires with unlimited resources. The fact that they’re from Leipzig in the former East Germany gives them points to me. If you don’t think there’s a big difference between West Germany and East Germany, you should do some readin’.
Borussia M’Gladbach 49 pts
There are two Borussias? Sweet Logo. That up there is a currywurst, it rules.
Balls: Currywurst indeed rules. German sausage in a curry sauce with fries on the side? FUCK YEAH! As for the team, they’ve always been up and down like the currywurst after a good four liters of beer.
Bayer Leverkusen 47 pts
This has to be Hippo’s club with the whole pharmaceutical ownership thing.
Balls: I love their aspirin. Just because of that, I’ve always had a soft spot for this club. Also, it’s BAYER, not Bayern. They mean two different things.
Schalke 04 37 pts
These guys used to always hang around the Champions League for a while, I guess they are mediocre now as their point total would suggest.
Balls: I am fascinated by teams that have numbers in them. Some are so old that they cross centuries. This is one such team. I also love how spanish speakers pronounce their name: Chal-Qué.
Wolfsburg 36 pts
They used to have super cool jerseys, I wonder if they do now.
Balls: I love wolves. Therefore, I like Wolfsburg. I mean that literally means the City of Wolves in German! (May or may not be true) I do like teams with green jerseys, though.
Freiburg 36 pts
I have no idea who these guys are, they could be the 500’s of the Bundesliga. Is that a turkey vulture?
Balls: Freiburg is one of those teams from a small town that you would think would have no business being in the top division of its country yet here it is. If you think about it, it’s a testament to the majority-owned system and the fact that Germans are not obsessed with living in big cities.
Hoffenheim 35 pts
Hasselhoffenheim would be better.
Balls: Remember I mentioned teams that cross centuries? This one is on its THIRD century of existence!! That deserves a floor burger.
Koln 32 pts
Didn’t I feature these guys in obscure teams? Kolsch beer kicks ass.
Balls: On my first trip to Europe, I went on a youth tour group that does those 21 countries in 16 days kind of tours. Lemme just say that it was exactly the sex-filled, madcap drunken adventure type of trip that Brian Thacker wrote about on “Rule No. 5 – No Sex On The Bus“.
I met and partied with people from around the globe. It was one of the best experiences of my life. Oh, I forgot. The Kolsch beer from Cologne (Köln) is REALLY good!
Union Berlin 30 pts
This is the “other” Berlin team and they are marginally better than their crosstown rivals. Do bus drivers, public workers support these guys more than Hertha?
Balls: These are the plucky underdog team that not just Berliners but all Germans have adopted. They just made it onto the top division and they’ve managed to play very well and stay close to the top. If you like feel-good stories, this is your team.
Frankfurt 28 pts
Airport town! Never go to Frankfurt Hahn when you mean to go to Frankfurt Main, trust me. These guys should be higher no?
Balls: I may or may not know that Frankfurt is the business capital of Germany and, as such, has a plethora of spas that cater to businessmen and offer female services as part of the spa experience. Do with that information what you will.
Hertha Berlin 28 pts
Here they are, probably sucks that Union is better than them.
Balls: Hertha BSC is such a weird name. First, the Hertha part sounds like Bertha which makes you think of the maid from Two and a Half Men and that makes you think: 1) Shit, I just revealed to everyone that I watched that show and 2) Are there any conventionally-hot Berthas? It’s like the name Mildred. Second, the BSC part just screams BS, Cocksucker!
Augsburg 27 pts
I assume this is the Southampton of the Bundesliga. I said this before seeing the logo.
Balls: They probably are the Southampton of the Bundesliga because I know absolutely nothing about them, they’re usually at the mid-bottom of the table, and they apparently have a small but dedicated fanbase.
Mainz 26 pts
I enjoy the Z in their name.
Balls: Mainz 05 and Schalke 04 probably teamed up to make sure no team decided to call themselves 06. Did you know the word for 6 in German is sechs which sounds like you know what? Also, the z at the end makes me think the team is French instead of German. Have I ever told you that several times when I’ve been in Germany, my default reaction is to speak French to try to communicate? I think it’s weird, but that’s how my brain is wired…
Fortuna Dusseldorf 22 pts
It would be unFortunate if they got relegated.
Balls: Good one, Litre! I don’t think I can top that.
Werder Bremen 18 pts
Whoa, these guys used to be really, really good. Spin the big wheel, ownership issues, ownership issues or ownership issues?
Balls: My tour guide on that alcohol-fueled sex-romp of a trip was named Werner. He pronounced it Verner, as is tradition. I can’t help but think of him whenever I see this team. I always wonder if he did hook up with that girl from Ohio that he had his eye on…
Paderborn 16 pts
Apparently their promotion was a shock and they will be sent right down.
Balls: Paderborn gave a big old Fuchs U to Mains and Schalke and went with 7. Good for them! Unfortunately, the name sounds too much like pederast. Those people ruin everything!
***
Who ya got and why? Was this the most useful mid season preview you have ever read?
Balls: Yes, it was. I’ve got Bayern winning the whole thing. Now I’ve got to find some big ass German pretzels and beer to celebrate the return of Fußball!!
Hippo: Reading The Athletic, I prepared for the coming back of sportsball by perusing the Kraut Koverage. Turns out that my two favoUrite sides…are mortal enemies. That being Borussia Dortmund (would have sworn they’s would have been the other Borussians, ain’t even gon’ try to spell their name) and Schalke. The latter mostly because they feature the same shade of Royal (Mersey) Blue as my beloved toffees. Good thing I don’t live in Germany!
Also, I’mma just leave this here:
Enjoy the Kraut Lesser Footykakke! I may even take my eyes off Pretend Man City (2033-34) to comment with y’all. You been warned.
My coronavirus strategy:
1. Stay at home.
2. Avoid talking to people.
Also my non-coronavirus strategy.
My favourite crush from 1998?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WYZa4AqIroI
Me too! I had a major thing for her…
Is that because she had *two* major things for you?
And I’m not necessarily a boob man. I think it was her face that did it for me.
My favourite crush from 2010? Brandi Passante.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7V_zVBeiAiI
I walked a little. Sweated so much my mask was useless and no one else was wearing one. So I stopped for Mexican and got to yell at two people from the hospital in masks to get the fuck away from me for being less than six feet away.
But the burrito and chips were good.
One of the frustrating this about this virus is that yelling spreads it. So by yelling at people for doing stupid things that help spread it, you *also* are contributing to its spread. Less so if you are wearing a mask, though.
I have been trying to communicate as much as I can with hand signals and notes, where possible.
LET ME HAVE THIS SELF RIGHTEOUS INDIGNATION!
(But of course I wore a mask. I’m an asshole, but I’m not a fucking asshole.)
Am I going to use my mild hangover as an excuse to not work out tonight? I really hope not, because I’m defrosting steaks and it doesn’t seem right to contemplate eating them without also consuming booze. Though my martini options are pretty limited; I’m gonna have to get creative.
Remember, with toilet gin it’s ok to bruise it a bit in the shaker. Takes some of the edge off.
One of my favorite steak houses, Fleming’s is now on Door Dash. I’m thinking real hard about that dry aged ribeye. It is 66 bucks but holy shit is that a tasty steak. Get a side of their Fleming’s potatoes?
I’m not seeing a downside apart from not hearing the sizzle when it’s placed in front of me.
I spent $70 on pizza a week or two ago. Just do it.
Pacific Dining Car was offering some deals not long ago.
My concern would be how the travel would affect the quality.
If anything, I’d do carryout and eat in the car.
There’s another way to do carryout?
Get it super rare, and stick it under your own broiler for a minute to get the sizzle and smell.
That’s a great idea!
I see you’re a BMW driver.
/barely stifled “douchebag” cough
You didn’t stifle it…
I think I’ve mentioned it before.
To be fair, I did spring for the optional turn signals.
Just make sure to keep the blinker fluid reservoir filled.
Starting to think 2020 might actually be a bad year
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-GaJPgI3jh4
That’s one of those movies that I will drop everything to watch. “Grandma’s funeral is in 10 minutes? Sorry, Granny, Best in Show just came on!”
We’re fine.
It figures that I take a day off and it’s shitty outside.
Me: “How Shitty Is It?”
The Weather Girls: “It’s so shitty our TikTok vid ‘It’s Raining Feces’ went viral three hours after it was posted!”
“Just so long as I still get a royalty check” — Paul Shaffer
Munchingladtobeback just scored as I was putting a bet on them. DAMMIT!!!
Oof.
I’d put an Over / Under for therapists, but mental health is a serious matter.
4
I hope so
Leipzig saved by VAR.
Turkey vultures!
Darg.
Wolfsburg!!!!! Hell yeah, Litre!
Late one but I will take it
Looks like it just isn’t Leipzig’s day.
ETA: Spoke too soon. 1-1!
I forgot to mention that Fox and Univision have the rights to the Bundesliga.
You haven’t watched German soccer until you’ve seen it in Spanish.
“These German teams that are down at the half? They’ll rally-it’s in their blood.”
-Leni Riefenstahl
I agree about kolsch. It’s a delightful beverage.
As Balls mentioned, I’m trying to work on my Spanish but having 4 years of German I can turn beunos dias into wie gehts just like that.
Oh yeah, I spoke French in Italy all the time. My brain figures that it is close enough and they might get it. Yet in Spain I attempt my broken Spanish. Brains are weird.
Do we get Bathrobe Kate Abdo now? Hippo approve.
Schalke, they die
Need me some Fortuna and Hoffenheim in the 2nd half and Gamblor be praised!
Ok, this game is over, on to Wolfmother.
I replaced the fill valve on my terlet without crying in frustration, throwing something against the wall or ending up at the hospital. This is my “Come to Bob Vila” moment.
I thought a terlet was a bird.
I was wondering where all the feathers came from…
Gumby and I replaced a garbage disposal once. That was 25 years ago, we brag about it to this day!
Fuck. Freiburg scored. No clean sheet.
Need me some Wolfmother for the parlay!
Finally watched Burnistoun on Netflix. Had a couple of Mr. Show-esque moments where I was laughing too hard to catch my breath and thought I was dying. Also, Kirsty Strain. Yowzah!
This is the skit that reeled me in to their type of humour.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZjzfX0eKGtY
This really caught me right:
https://youtube.com/watch?v=B-1vKxOyKsM
She’s absolutely gorgeous!
Nordic Hulk SMASH
ALL HE DOES IS SCORE GOALS.
Shit. I’m watching the Leipzig match. How did they celebrate?
He wanted to hug but they just stood apart and said gut jobben.
They did one of those little dances the teens are doing these days
Cool! German soccer.
I really should have put this in the body of the post. Here is derby days Dortmund v Schalke
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=alWpyjr9fT8
Jesus, that Haaland guy is a mighty oak, huh?
He is unreal. All he does is score. Gamblor be with him today!
Asslicker goes to Liverpool for the next decade on Footy Manager, though.
You at the point where FM and real life are blurred?
Real…lyf???
All my usual English-language pirate feeds are offline this morning. Bah! I guess I’ll have to watch the Russian feed.
i use sports
bay
.org
Uggh. Do I record the Dortmund game and go to the grocery store when it will be quick and painless or watch the game and go when I may murder people?
You gots to watch live, ninja!!
Yeah. I do. Dortmund has a few injuries and Sancho is on the bench.
Still, I’mma singin’ Bo-Russ-ia!
I heard Hugo Boss designed the Hertha Berlin uniforms.