[DOOR FLIES OPEN]

"I, frankly, am just amazed that someone from the Patriots organization would cheat!" – Dok

Log In

Brandon Perna Kicks All The Derierre

King Hippo

/

, , ,

Please, just watch/listen to this in full.  We really need him in Most Glorious Commentist Party!

Perhaps the most important takeaway…LISTEN.  Just fucking listen to other humans when they are expressing real needs and concerns.  Also, my esteem for badass Donks safety Justin Simmons somehow went even higher.

Kraut and Imaginary Footy roll on this weekend.  I open my new Pretend Stadium imminently.  SO FREAKING EXCITE!!

I am bereft of things to say, so here is a piece of serenity FOAR thine Sabado (there is even a butt picture fer Ballsy):

Litre here, what year are you in now 2041? How long does that damn game go?

We are a few weeks back into ze German League so let’s see where we stand.

  1. Bayern – Killing fools, Canadian Alfonso Davies, or Fonzi will save Soccer Canadia. (Johnathan Bent too)
  2. Dortmund – How are you banged up when you had that much time off???? Oh, short prep time? Sorry.
  3. RB Leipzig – They win games they should and tie games they should win.
  4. Borussia Munchiesgladtobeback- What the fuck was that yesterday????? 
  5. Bayer Leverkusen (Team Aspirin)- You lot are extra boring to watch.
  6. Wolfburg- Never know who is going to show up. 
  7. Hoffenheim- If I bet on them, they will lose.
  8. Freiburg- Fuck you Freiburg, you are schizophrenic.
  9. Hertha Berlin- Hottest team since the break, they have saved me from Gamblor ruin. They are 8 to 1 to beat Dortmund this morning, I am in.
  10. Schalke 04: FRAUDS!!!!!
  11. Frankfurt: Should be better.
  12. Koln: The billy goats are all over the place, mid table is where they belong.
  13. Augsburg: Who?
  14. Union Berlin: Not such hot shit now are we comrades?
  15. Mainz: Why?
  16. Dusseldorf: This team is just a filler.
  17. Werder Bremen: HOW ARE YOU THIS SHITTY?????
  18. Paderborn: This team will draw every time I bet against them. 

I plan to bet on Wolfsburg, a cheeky one on Hertha to see if they stay hot against a banged up Dortmund. There are also teams called Garage FC & New Oil FC in Burundi those are catching my eye.

Been listening to a lot of chill stoner music lately to keep my brain level. Habits? well I never.

 

Ballsy here. Here’s your schedule for today (all times Pacific):

0 0 votes
Article Rating
Tags:

Leave a Reply

Subscribe
Notify of
107 Comments
Inline Feedbacks
View all comments
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

3
Mr. Ayo

I’d give her a another kid or two.

All over her chest of course.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

With coronavirus cases spiking in Arizona and the growing popularity of coronavirus porn, how long before a bunch of ASU students catch the ‘rona while making ‘rona porn?

2
SonOfSpam

There is now hospital ‘rona porn where the lady has the ‘rona and is in a coma dying, and then the nurse gives her a sponge bath and the lady has an unconscious comagasm then the doctor comes in and says “what’s all this then” and bends the nurse over the unconscious ‘rona patient and nuts on the nurses back and oh uhhhhhhhhh zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

4
SonOfSpam

Anthony Jeselnik is the best.

1
scotchnaut

The very first movie that made you laugh out loud-

I’m going Blues Brothers-and I think it was the “I’ve always loved you” line. It was so out of the blue, so unexpected.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sqXVbzvgll8

2
SonOfSpam

I saw Airplane in the theater and was not expecting that because I was like 11 and had no idea what the movie was gonna be and probably got 1/3 of the jokes but still couldn’t stop laughing the entire time.

Either that, or Old Yeller.

1
Viva La Tabula Raza

Holy Grail.

1
Don T

Silent Movie. Subtitles were frosting.

0
Don T

The Pong scene. It killed me like nothing before.

0
Dunstan

It’s probably just the first one I remember laughing at: Ghostbusters. Specifically, the scene in the mayor’s office:

Dr. Raymond Stantz: Everything was fine with our system until the power grid was shut off by dickless here.
Walter Peck: They caused an explosion!
Mayor: Is this true?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes it’s true.
[pause]
Dr. Peter Venkman: This man has no dick.

When you’re 11, that’s comedy gold.

3
Horatio Cornblower

Schindler’s List

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
ballsofsteelandfury

I’m watching Total Recall and still laughing about that Kuato joke that Moose posted the other night.

0
ballsofsteelandfury

Correction. Beastie posted an image on the HRTN post and SonOfSpam made the Kuato joke. Still laughing.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’m glad you…… remembered.

2
SonOfSpam

comment image

3
ballsofsteelandfury

I love you

1
Unsurprised

As an aside before I get back to drinking. Hairdressers and stylists etc. are almost all independent contractors and basically get fucked sideways financially by salons, and of all the “self employed” people I’ve dealt with this pandemic, the most consistently least paid. (Oregon doesn’t consider gig workers to be ICs, and treats Uber and the like as employers).

So be extra generous with the tips.

7
King Hippo

THIS. All fucking day, yo.

/plus a good stylist is worth her weight in gold

1
scotchnaut

be extra generous with the tips

“Especially if they’re frosted!”

-Guy Fieri

2
scotchnaut

I’ll be out on the deck doing a crossword for the next little bit.

Hmmmm, ’10 letter word for raging, yet somehow functional alcoholic’ that begins with ‘s’. Fucksticks! I think the Toronto Star is trying to tell me something.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

So who is the most RELIABLE narrator that comes to mind? I went with Edward R. Murrow.

0
Viva La Tabula Raza

Not the same milieu, but Carl Sagan comes to mind.

2
yeah right

James Earle Jones.

1
yeah right

Walter Cronkite works too

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

That was definitely the first thing that popped into my head.

0
SonOfSpam

Guy Pearce in Memento

3
Mr. Ayo

Brick

4
ballsofsteelandfury

This is the correct answer

4
scotchnaut

I made it all the way to 3:30 EST before I had my first drink today. Not all heroes wear a cape, my friend!*

*okay, fine. I was wearing a cape**

**look, it’s my lucky drinking cape. It was worn by Dylan Thomas on the night he died!

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
Mr. Ayo

Bummer. I held out until 07:30 today.

May tomorrow be better for you.

1
scotchnaut

#BLACKLIVERSMATTER!

7
SonOfSpam

Finally, a slogan that really speaks to me!

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

0
Mr. Ayo

Sorry, I was born with this face.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

A lawnmower accident is my excuse.

2
scotchnaut

Citizen Jane: Battle For The City is a great doc to watch if you’ve read Caro’s The Power Broker.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
King Hippo

Cripes, who woulda thunk my only correct GAMBLOR of the week would be Mainz of all clubs.

0
litre_cola

Bohemians are still in play

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Rhapsody.

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
ballsofsteelandfury

tWBS has a boner right now.

1
scotchnaut

This makes sense, given that he has probably been reunited with his first pet, which was a sheep.

3
scotchnaut

Childhood Buddy: “Where’s tWBS?”

Other Buddy: “I think he’s on the lamb.”

Childhood Buddy: “Again? He needs another hobby.”

4
scotchnaut

Well, this thread took a ewe turn…

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

This needs to be shepherded in.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Might be a wolf in the mix.

1
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

I’ll be right Basque.

5
scotchnaut

I like this one the best.

2
Unsurprised

Childhood Buddy would also make an interesting PBS show if it started the guy who wanders into the clubhouse occasionally

2
Mr. Ayo

Same

1
yeah right

Yeah, I’ve got mutton.

4
herodotus450

Apparently “resealable packaging” is the latest in alkaline battery technology

0
King Hippo

Waiting for Kraut Footy to replace redneck re-runs on FS1, see that now even Gingerballs Hammer is down with Black Lives Matter.

Yeah, it’s window dressing. But at least the goddamned conversation has shifted.

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

4
Unsurprised

even Gingerballs Hammer is down with Black Lives Matter.

Empty words. No action. Perfectly Goodell.

2
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

It’s very telling though, in that the league has made the calculation that they can NOT afford to sit on the fence, and which side of the fence they have decided to very gingerly set the tip of their toe down on.

4
King Hippo

Yup. This was what I was feebly attempting to say. The terms of engagement have shifted, and THAT is no small beer (just no pat on Goodell’s back, obvs)

1
Unsurprised

I went to the local store this morning when it opened at six. I got body wash and isopropyl alcohol and $100 of other shit and then spent five times as long carrying all this shit home because I had to stop and keep my heart from exploding. But it’s all good now. I have so much salad and fruit and somehow I’m still going to gain a shitload of weight.

3
litre_cola

Keep at it internet friend! Buying fruit and veg is a great base. All of our fucking money goes on fruit and veg as Decilitre is a food disposal.

7
Horatio Cornblower

Cut out alcohol if you want to drop weight. The sugar in booze is an amazing weight-gainer.

Also, yes, I am surprised I wasn’t hit by lightning when making that statement.

7
Unsurprised

I’m working on that. Once this current stash runs out or spoils.

0
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

tWBS was probably distracted at the time.

2
Mr. Ayo

Well, that’s a tweet

The Bay Area saw no new COVID-19 deaths today for the first time in three weeks, a local bartender and spirits maker was arrested on child porn charges, and the Richmond man found eating his dead grandmother has been charged with her murder.

https://twitter.com/SFist/status/1268695305555513349

4
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

0
Mr. Ayo

Man, I miss NYC

2
Don T

Good thing I clicked the link.
/Scraps “cannibalism ain’t presumption of murder” bit.

2
Unsurprised

You never know. It worked with Milwaukee PD the first time someone escaped from an episode of The German Chef with Jeffrey Dahmer.

1
King Hippo

/insert Laney happy dance

DID I JUST BEAT REAL CUNTFACES OF MADRID IN SHEMPIONS FINAL?? WOOOOOOOOO

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HQu_NLRvULM

2
Horatio Cornblower

About to go get my first haircut in nearly four months, and I unreasonably excited about this.

3
King Hippo

The haircut (in fairness, she is a longtime personal friend) was my lone act of civil disobedience.

1
Unsurprised

I’m going to trim mine this weekend.

0
yeah right

First available appointment was this Wednesday at 10. I’m also kind of ready.

0
King Hippo

“Ooooooh, Mainz Mainz, everywhere a-Mainz” – King H.

“Fucking tell me about it” – Ex-Mrs. Paul M., Liverpool, UK

0
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

1
Fronkenshteen

Of fucking course Paederborn equalized v Leipzig. Litre on the money.

1
litre_cola

Right?????

0
Horatio Cornblower

Sunderland v. Newcastle on classic Premier League, in case you wanted to watch something that you absolutely know is a decade old without even thinking about it.

0
Mr. Ayo

I love that vintage!

— M. Sanchez

3
Fronkenshteen

Bayern to be without Lewy AND Thomas Muller v MGB. Interesting GAMBLOR note.

1
King Hippo

Pretend Newz! Zidane sacked by Pretend Everton and VVD by Pretend Spurs.

1
litre_cola

How is he still alive in 2051???

1
King Hippo

#ToddlerBlood

2
litre_cola

comment image

QUEBEC sex tips during the ‘Rona

2
litre_cola

1. Wear a mask during the encounter
2. Limit your number of partners
3. No kissing or oral sex
4. Shower before and after
5. clean all surfaces you touch.

2
ballsofsteelandfury

They might as well have said:

6- Pas du sexe

1
Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

comment image

2
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

comment image

2
Mr. Ayo

Looks more like post-Brick encounter guidelines.

3
Brick Meathook

6. Pay Brick US$500

3
Mr. Ayo

The fuck? When did you drop the rate?

1
scotchnaut

He’s in a bad place at the moment. Last week I promised to give him $10 in ‘scotchbucks’ (hah!) if he tried to convince the commentariat that he got some imaginary dumbass WW2 badge. He went all in. It was fucking hilarious!

1
Horatio Cornblower

1. No
2. Not really my decision
3. Go to hell
4. Before, after, and during.
5. I have a robot butler for those things.

3
Moose -The End Is Well Nigh

Those are all things that happened before any pandemic. The left out the part about duct tape.

2
litre_cola

Uhoh Bayern. Aspirin FC with an offside goal

0
King Hippo

I finally don’t bet against “it’s a BEAR team….aaaahhhh” and they finally lay a turd. Figures. Does it fuck.

0
litre_cola

Should have hammered Bayern when they were down 1 nil.
Bohemians for the upset today Hippo!

0
King Hippo

30 Ameri-quid DONE! For they are like you, see.

0
litre_cola

Heyhey I won an overnight parlay on Asian teams I have never heard of!

1
rockingdog

comment image

8
107
0
Would love your thoughts, please comment.x
()
x