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Hello Sports fans and people who rather watch lesser footy than work!
We have 4 games on the menu today. Unfortunately, three of them are on at the same time. This is about the only time a three way isn’t good. If the EPL was smart, this could have been a triple header. If you’re going to copy what the Americans are doing policy wise, at least copy one of the things they get right, Britain. Geez!
Before we preview the games, I’d like to take a minute and be as humble as Cam Netwon and state that there’s a 69% chance I will not be on this thread today because my wife will be getting induced early in the morning. For my sake, I hope I’m not on here because if I am, that means the painful, un-natural contractions didn’t work, which will obviously put Mrs. Wakezilla in a good mood. Now I’m not saying this pregnancy has been hard on us, but I am seriously becoming a eunuch considering getting my tubes tied.
After thinking about how brutal the past 36 weeks have been, Wakezilla’s hands begin to shake tremendously. Wakezilla sloppily pours whiskey into a kids’ sippee cup and pounds it back. Wakezilla closes his eyes and takes a deep breath.
Here’s some laugh out loud MLS news: The MLS’ poorly thought out “The MLS is Back” Tournament, which is scheduled to take place in Florida is not going well. Shit hitting the fan in Florida? Who could have seen that coming!
To the games!
Game 1A: The Hate Watch Bowl (1PM EST)
Fuck Burnley. One of their supporters rented a plane and had a “White Lives Matter” banner fly over Burnley’s stadium during a match. Meanwhile, Rum Ham has strung together some points, resulting in them being above the relegation line.
Why this game will be good:
You only watch this game to cheer against Burnley. Luckily for Rum Ham, Burnley has quite a few players injured, which could level the playing field.
Prediction:
I hate predicting draws, so we’ll say Rum Ham gets a 2-1 win
Match 1B: The Sectarian Bowl? (1PM EST)
Man Shitty has all but clinched 2nd and Newcastle United are safe from relegation and are waiting for this to be finalized, so they can spend Saudi money and become relevant again.Man Shitty are owned by the Shia Qatari, where as Newcastle is about to be owned by the extreme Sunni, Saudis. Qatar and Saudi have had an intense 3 year beef. Here are some key points as to what started the tensions. While MBS can suck a fat one, I do appreciate his pettiness in trying to reallocate a dam that would essentially make Qatar an island. That’s some good spite.
Why this match will be good:
The Barcodes are unbeaten in their last 6 EPL matches and Pep has looked lost since Arteta has left him. As a result, Man Shitty has been hilariously inconsistent and look vulnerable. Another to reason to watch is because of Kevin the Broom, who has been playing really well and is a treat to watch.
Prediction:
Seeing how Man Shitty have lost, won, lost, won, lost their last 5 EPL matches, they are due for a win. Ergo, Man Shitty wins 3-2.
Match 1C: A ticket to Continental Europe bowl (1PM EST)
This is the game you should watch in the first batch of matches. Wolves are currently only 4 points up on Sheffield United and are also in striking distance of 4th place. They lost a huge match against the Arseholes, so Wolves must win to keep pace with the 5 teams in-front of them, as well as create separation distance from Sheffield United and the Arseholes. On the other side, after a horrific start to the rebooted season, Sheffield United look to be finally turning the corner after a draw against the Hot Sperms and a victory over Burnley.
Why this match will be good:
A potential Champions League and definite Europa league spot is on the line. Three points to either side is YUGE. While Wolves is under achieving, Sheffiled United is over achieving. Sheffield United are on house money, so, it’ll be interesting to see whether Wolves feels the pressure and chokes while Sheffield United plays loose, or Wolves wakes up and plays well and Sheffield United finally melts under the spotlight.
Prediction:
This has a low scoring draw written all over it. However,we’ll say Wolves wins 2-1.
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In case you missed it, yesterday’s match between the Hot Sperms and Disappointing Everton saw Hot Sperms’ goalie, Hugo Lloris get into a shouting match with Son at halftime.
Game 2: Today’s Main Event (3:15PM EST)
Before I begin, I should address the elephant in the room. Something huge happened about 10 days ago. As a United fan, I must stay classy and acknowledge greatness when it happens. When a club has waited decades to achieve their dream, it’s only right and proper to congratulate them on their long awaited achievement. Without Freddy Adu, Congratulations Barrow A.F.C. on your return to the Football League after 50 years!
After graciously proving to the world they are far from being the greatest side ever by letting Man Shitty beat the piss out of them, LiVARpool rebounded and won their last game. However, Liverpool are win less in their last five away games across all competitions, and have failed to score in any of those five games. This is their worst run since professional troll and racist piece of shit, Graham Souness was manager of the Scousers in 1992.
Why this game will be good:
Well, it should be interesting because no one is sure if Klopp is going to go for 100 points and break records for the largest points gap victory in EPL history, or if he’s going to trot out the youth and rest his big dogs because there is a short turnaround between the end of this season and the next.
Brighton did recently beat the Arseholes and have lost two of their last five. They need just a few more points to completely avoid relegation, so they will throw everything at the Scousers. With the Scousers having nothing to play for, them being uninterested in the match could lead to a surprise upset.
Prediction: While I think the Scousers are due for a few more losses this season, I think most of their players are still focused on the season. One or two more matches and they’ll enter vacation/play to not get hurt mode. Brighton loses 3-1.
Enjoy the games!
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