INTERIOR – NONDESCRIPT DOMICILE, CARSON, CA – EVENING
[A MAN sits alone on a couch in his living room, completely fixated on the TV in front of him, despite the fact that nothing particularly interesting is on it. His gaze is so intent, that he hardly blinks and certainly doesn’t hear the sound of a car pulling to a stop, door slam, or the pleasantries his WIFE attempts to exchange with him.]
JENNY: …MICHEAL?! What is wrong with you?!
MICHAEL: [Audibly grunts]
JENNY: You are literally right where I left you this morning! Did you even eat? You certainly didn’t shower.
MICHAEL: Blue.
JENNY: Blue?! What the hell?! Get up!
[As JENNY reaches for the remote, MICHAEL leaps up and snaps at her hand with his teeth. She recoils in horror, and his gaze turns back to the TV as his expression returns to that of a dry smile.]
MICHAEL: It needs to stay on.
JENNY: [Stammering] I-I… Michael… Your… Your eyes… They were…
MICHAEL: Every time a reflection reflects itself, it gets a little bluer.
JENNY: [Panicked] But your ey-eyes are br-brown!
MICHAEL: [Turning to her, his eyes glazed in powder blue] Everything turns blue when it is close.
JENNY: [Trembling] W-w-w-ho… wh-wha… a-a-are…
[Before she can finish her question, JENNY’S eyes find the TV, and her fear seems to evaporate instantly. She rises to her feet and slowly walks across the room towards it. MICHAEL joins her, as they both stand inches in front it. A car commercial plays softly on the TV]
MICHAEL: It… HE…
JENNY: Wants. He wants.
[The TV starts to tremble]
MICHAEL: Death.
JENNY: Yes. Death.
[The screen begins turning progressively brighter as the trembling quickens]
MICHAEL: Death. Death to…
JENNY: Hair… Hair-ah…
MICHAEL: …Ticks…
[The TV begins trusting wildly, as if trying to escape the wall it is mounted to. The screen is nearly nothing but hot white]
JENNY: Death to…
MICHAEL: Spah-
[The TV explodes. Shrapnel from the screen blasts into the couple’s faces. A FIGURE from inside the blast dives past them, landing on the couch. They both slowly turn to face what now lays before them, as blood begins pouring from the glass and electronic components now embedded in their craniums.]
BOLTMAN: OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! [Leaps to his feet in one motion and begins doing the electric slide] BOTLMAN IS CHAAARRRRGGGEEEDDDD UP! BOLTMAN HAS COME TO THIS WRETCHED CITY FOR VENGEANCE! FOR DESTRUCTION! AND YOU, PITIFUL HUMANS, WILL BE BOLTMAN’S PAWNS! NOW GO FORTH AND–
[MICHAEL suddenly falls forward, his face going directly through the glass coffee table in front of him with a loud crash.]
BOLTMAN: OH? AND WHAT OF YOU, WRETCH?
[JENNY attempts to speak, but nothing but blood comes out. She begins to tremble, then collapses to the floor, her extremities occasionally twitching.]
BOLTMAN: [Scoffing] BOLTMAN FORGETS HOW WEAK THESE SACKS OF MEAT ARE! BOLTMAN WILL REMEMBER TO NOT USE SO MUCH JUICE ON THE NEXT ZIGGURAT! [Beats chest and runs in place] OOOOHHHHH YEEEAAAHHHHH!
INTERIOR – CHARGERS LOCKER ROOM, COSTA MESA, CA – SOME DAYS LATER
KEENAN ALLEN: You smell that, Tyrod?
TYROD TAYLOR: Smell what?
ALLEN: [Holds finger up under his nose] That’s the smell of the second highest paid wide receiver in football baby!
TAYLOR: [Pushing him away] Yeah yeah. Did it hurt your wrist to sign a contract that big?
ALLEN: [To self] It actually did a little… [To TAYLOR] Uh, no! I feel great! [Stretches, as a loud pop is heard] Oh godammit, that better not have been…
???: [Click] DON’T TAKE THE LORD’S NAME IN VAIN, COCKWALLET [Click]
ALLEN: What the hell is that?!
TAYLOR: Oh, didn’t he tell you? Phil set up some kind of recording to pop on whenever we “do something sinful” before he left. Wanted to keep us “on the right path” or whatever. Listen: I’m going to have protected sex with my girlfriend tonight!
PHILIP RIVERS’ EMPTY LOCKER: [Click] SEX WITHOUT MARRIAGE AND CONCEPTION IS AN ABOMINATION AND WILL MAKE YOU SATAN’S FUCKSTICK! [Click]
TAYLOR: See?
ALLEN: And here I thought I’d be finally done with this bullshit. I was hoping for that three years ago when we got here… Which is why you need to keep the starting job. Fucking Kidz Bop over there scares the hell out of me. [Points]
JUSTIN HERBERT: I’m going to throw the ball to the guys on our team, no matter what the big meanies on the other team say!
ALLEN: [Shudders, as another pop is heard] Ow! Damnit!
[LOCKER ROOM DOOR FLIES OPEN]
MELVIN INGRAM: [Running in so fast he trips over his own feet and falls to the floor]
JOEY BOSA: EYYYYYYYY, WASSAMATTAH YOUUU?!
INGRAM: [Scrambling to his feet] YOU GUYS! THEY GOT HIM! THEY GOT DERWIN!
TAYLOR: What? Who got Derwin?!
INGRAM: I-I-I don’t know… They just started showing up! At first I thought they were just media here to watch us practice, but then I remembered we were in a pandemic! So then I thought they might be fans, but then I remembered that we don’t have any and-and I just… I just ran!
ALLEN: Okay man, calm down. What happened?
INGRAM: [Breathing heavy] I-I don’t know. They were just suddenly ON him! And then he started screaming about his meniscus, and-
DERWIN JAMES: [Muffled screaming from outside] MY MENISCUS!
INGRAM: Yeah, like that!
JAMES: THEY FUCKING ATE ALL MY MENISCUS!
PHILIP RIVERS’ EMPTY LOCKER: [Click] FELLATIO IS A SIN! [Click]
INGRAM: And then I ran in here and started talking to you guys! And they were right behind me. You really should be doing something to block the door or something before–
[DOOR FLIES OPEN]
[A horde of blue eyed humans with obvious facial wounds funnel into the locker room and begin overwhelming every player they can get their hands on.]
HERBERT: I scream! You scream! We all scream for–
That’s when the screaming ended.
There’s no way this team is better than last year, although not playing in front of “fans” will be to their advantage. 6-10 is their ceiling. Fuck them. Fuck them all.
[Banner image via]
[…] you’ve heard from me before on this subject and things haven’t changed. If you still root for this team, you have some serious […]
First TD of 2020/21? David Johnson. Reception.
I am on pins and needles, y’all. WE CAN HAS GLORIOUS FITBAW!!!! 2NITE
MOAR BOLTMAN.
OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHHHHH YYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!
Just fucking delightful, my good man.
Weird timeline…..
A lovely way to kick off the season!
With the Aztecs takin a break, closest football you got is either the Cardinals or the Raiders. (Commute-wise)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=1&v=pRc_DEUlop0&feature=emb_logo
I wonder what Rivers will do to spread the word and the progeny after he retires. I like how the locker speaks. The next player to occupy the locker will mysteriously have his condoms missing.
The Falwells are at it again, I see…
Looks like these clowns are wearing clown pants, tho.
I love the qualifier/warning that there could be more than one gospel monkey!
Fun fact: Matthew referred to Luke that way behind his back
“Eek.”
The whole ‘smell that’ joke is well applied here! Well done.
Also; happy Thursday.
That was beautiful. And there is something wonderful about Stan’s Gaping Hole opening to absolutely no fanfare that I love
Way better than gape porn.
Oh, Chargers! The only team in the division I truly loathe.
With my wife’s family living in Torrance and Redondo Beach, the new stadium is so close. The only problem is I don’t want to give money to this franchise just to see my most loved and bless-ed team, led by the prophet Mahomes, destroy a shitty franchise for $60 to $100 parking, and then double that for one ticket. BOLTMAN DOES NOT DESERVE MY MONEY!
The Rams will host them soon enough and you can feel slightly better about going then.
Slightly. Until they move the Rams to Kentucky or Idaho, because the Rams like to move around as much as the Raiders.
BOLTMAN doesn’t want your earthly money. BOLTMAN only wants souls!
AH HA! Another Chefs fan, you’ll have to enlighten us as to why you hate the Bolts more than the Donks and the Waiders (I really hate their ownership for instance, but their own fans do that). Being a Donks fan I hate all the division teams, but the Raiders are tops by a few percentage points, just because of the history. That being said I will root for division teams over certain evil teams such as the P*ts, Stillers, and Cowboys depending on the situation and the degree of hate I possess at the time for *certain* players.
Carr came from Fresno State, and Gruden is good for a laugh (at him, not with him).
Got it; my Raiders hate is basically unchanged since Stabler, although the extended period when they were absolutely terrible it kind of turned a little to pity.
Oh, and I hate the Chargers because of Spanos, but mainly the stain that Rivers is/was/will be. He whines too much and he has a most punchable face.
Broncos had Tebow, which gave them a playoff win, so that was hilarious to me. Manning was fun to watch up there, with the receiving core they had.
The Tebow thing…. another reason to hate the Steelers. The proTebow crowd was fucking terrible. Yes Rivers is very hateble for multiple reasons, but I’m sure I can continue the hate, but with a little less edge.
Even BOLTMAN knows to wear a fucking mask
This is delightful!
I, for one, welcome our charrrrrrrrggggged uuuuuppppppp murderous Overlord.
“Oh, you want special treatment just because the coach knocked up your mom?”
Well, we don’t know which coach is the real father.