Editor’s Note: Balls did not write this. King Hippo did, but there was a scheduling error and this is our half-ass way of fixing it. Sue us in Federal Court, if you want.
Yes, you can safely call him President-Elect Biden now. Sen. Kamala Harris will be the first woman (and first person of coloUr) to serve as Vice President. Better late than fucking never.
As the November sun breaks through the clouds, here is your Lesser Footy/JV NFL viewer’s guide.
Wake up bright y early for United’s visit to Goodison Park (7:30, NBCSN). Which side is more in freefall? Everton will lack the talismanic service of Richarlison one last match. So don’t expect much scoring from the royal blues. All one has to do is concentrate defensive resources on Dominic Calvert-Lewin. Not that United have been much good at that, recently.
Leeds go to Palace (10:00, NBCSN) is the epitome of a contrast in styles. Uncle Woy wants to bore you to sleep, Marcelo Bielsa wants to piss in your face for 90 minutes. Contrasts are part of what make the Premiership so much fucking fun.
Team Knifey are away to Chelski and Tory Cunt Frank Lampard (12:30, NBC). For a spotlight dance, this sure smells like a hiding. I recommend JV NFL. As is the case with the horrid stream-only late show (3:00, Peacock). It is a Fronk/Litre Derby, though. SEND BOOZE/WEED.
Michigan (-3.5) at Indiana (Noon, FS1)
Know why the Wolverines are favoUred? Name brand is really the only justification. Lesser Harbs would be facing the sack, but they might just hilariously run down his contract, even at the cost of a null set recruiting class.
West By God Virginia (+6) at Texas (Noon, ABC)
Steerfuckers Sout\h are overrated, every single year. Fuckers du Cousins? They just show up and hit you in the mouth. Or they slip on their own shit/piss/vomit. Big Twaaalve always entertains.
Florida (+3) v. Georgia (3:30, CBS)
World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party! Man, that would be hard to socially distance. Fortunately, Gov. DeSantis ain’t believe in no fake news, libtard, Moooooooslim virus like #NuAIDS. Be a REAL SHAME if he contracted it.
Vanderbilt (+19) at Mississippi State (3:30, SECN)
I like matches like this, because I am sick/mean. Not sure that Cowbells could score 20+ against an empty field. Unless away to LSU, obviously. Dread Pirate Leach will eventually get that thing turned around, though.
Oklahoma State (-12.5) at Kansas State (4:00, Fox)
Yeah, I get it. BDSM State will be pissed off at losing their undefeated season. But hasn’t anyone considered…they’s just not very good? I mean, like every fucking season? As always, LOVE the Unded Bill Snyders as a huge dog, especially at home.
UCLA (-6) at Colorado (7:00, ESPN2)
Apparently, the Buffs are starting a converted safety at QB. And I still bet they beat Balls’ lot. Chip Kelly can eat shit, now and forever.
Clemson (-5.5) at Notre Dame (7:30, NBC)
Look, I get it. We all hate both these monkeycunt squadrons. But assuming you want only ONE of them in the playoffs (with Roll Damn Tide and tOSU pretty much written in the stone), you better root for the Tiggers. Hey, at least they has a Black QB now!
Stanford (+8.5) at Oregon (7:30, ABC)
Lookit all this West Coast action! Contrasting styles, JV NFL edition. Let’s see if the Trees can bounce back from a horrid 2019.
Washington State (+3) at Oregon State (10:30, FS1)
Not only do we welcome back the Tweaker Fixture ™, but we get some Niiiiiiiice Beaver! And they’re even favoUred! Enjoy.
Balls Note: If everyone is not tuned in to FS1 for the Cougars trying to lick the Beavers, we might as well shut this site down.
https://twitter.com/david_j_roth/status/1325144607223554050?s=19
(i can’t embed on mobile so pasting text)
If you don’t keep the Trump 2020 Fuck Your Feelings flags flying from your dumb boat forever, you’re a cuck. Sorry, those are the rules.
At half-mast.
I’m not getting the Indianabanana game. This doesn’t bode well for the Biden presidency.
Better Ask a Brocky:
Has Indiana FITBAW ever beat Paedo State and Meechigan in same season?
lemme check ……
probably but i haven’t always been super into it.
I saw a bunch of disappointing IU football games during my time at campus, never got tickets to games with high profile programs.
just IU football last year felt like a validation for keeping the faith
The Solid South has what my teenage friends and I would call ‘a big backyard’.
Hell yes!
That’s a Solid Ass
0-2 Ioway spanking the tunics off the Spartans 35-0.
Hippo cashing in his Biden bet
John Adams used his one term to create the Navy. Trump used his to create the Space Force, so they’re pretty even Id say.
If the latter had an ounce of creativity “The Space Navy” would be a reality. Galleons and Junks, oh my!
Dear Trump Cult,
As someone who consumed a LOT of Kool-Aid products, I’ll tell you that cherry is your best bet for masking the cyanide flavor.
Enjoy your fucking brunch.
This may sound dickish but I mean it sincerely: I hope you’re someday able to find joy in something. Constant anger and contempt for everyone and everything who doesn’t measure up to your impossible standards is no way to live.
I just had a bowl of Cheerios. I think it counts. Quite healthy for me compared to the big breakfast burrito I want to go get.
(Scouring Wikipedia for more faux-intellectual joke fodder)
Ahh, the good old days of 1884.
Didn’t they used to accuse each other of cannibalism and shit in the early 1800’s? The idea that there was ever a more civil time was an illusion
They/we used to fucking murder people in public, by cutting open guts and stuffing testicles into mouths, for entertainment. Which is also the fate I wish on people who opine about “the good old days”
2nd worst stunner ever,
only surprised by trump cabinet member Linda mcmahon
Brooklyn looks like a good time right now
My brain “Is 11 am too early for rye and coke?”
That’s what my vice has best going for it. It’s Always Pill-O’Clock
NEVER
Your brain should know better than to ask
(closes leatherbound book)
And the word “trump” was never uttered anywhere in the country, ever again.
lol
If you were married to Jill, you’d go for that nibble too
The Vice President-Elect…can rock the hell out of running clothes.
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet” data-partner=”tweetdeck”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>Media Lambasts Biden Administration For Failure To Solve Coronavirus <a href=”https://t.co/ub2tJKXpnP”>https://t.co/ub2tJKXpnP</a> <a href=”https://t.co/JGECzv8PMD”>pic.twitter.com/JGECzv8PMD</a></p>— The Onion (@TheOnion) <a href=”https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1325136205797715970?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>November 7, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>
#FunnyCauseTrue
They won’t do anything substantively different from Trump. Biden couldn’t even maintain his support for a mask mandate for a day.
FACT CHECK: FALSE
The fundamental decency of this President-Elect…is such a welcome contrast.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=m8BtyFv5F9U
I’m gonna need Betsy to climb on to one of her yachts and disappear into the horizon. It may just be because she so directly affects my day-to-day life, but I still feel like she was the single worst piece of a just god-awful administration.
Top ten
I’d like that yacht to then capsize and she gets eaten alive by a shark.
I’d go 2nd after Stephen Miller. It’s too bad Jews don’t ex-communicate.
Now that’s saying something.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jsaTElBljOE
As a country, today we’ve defeated tyranny and fascism. This is a great victory and a glorious day!
Well let’s slow down a bit there
No, he’s right. Another four years of Cheeto and Barr would’ve done incredible damage to our nation. (Of course, Barr hasn’t been seen in a month and may be dead)
I practiced this speech last week when the Vikings beat the Packers.
I agree with all this. However, correct take would be we defeated *a* fascist.
And by “we”, I mean half of us. A lot of people go beyond being okay with America’s brand of fascism, and actively desire it.
And we need to put them all in work camps with the final solution being their deaths.
What?
Re-education camps better solution.
—Ho Chi Minh
He took some wild shit from the American slave owners and Indian killers he idolized.
Go Birds
Noose stocks looking strong.
Reality:
https://twitter.com/HillaryFan420/status/1324897860429750273?s=20
You’re probably not reading this, but that happened with all stocks, and wasn’t isolated to defense contractors. Goldman Sachs was even betting on it: https://www.cnn.com/2020/11/01/investing/stock-market-joe-biden-donald-trump-election/index.html
Stolen from some tweet:
Breaking News: Man with bad credit and multiple baby mamas about to be ejected from public housing.
LOL
USC playing at 9am? Their cheerleaders haven’t even finished their ‘walk of shame’ yet!
Excellent.
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet” data-partner=”tweetdeck”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>Lincoln Project Immediately Releases Series Of Ads Calling For Biden Impeachment <a href=”https://t.co/UdqdsWIccW”>https://t.co/UdqdsWIccW</a> <a href=”https://t.co/bB6XiQkRRF”>pic.twitter.com/bB6XiQkRRF</a></p>— The Onion (@TheOnion) <a href=”https://twitter.com/TheOnion/status/1325125876137283585?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>November 7, 2020</a></blockquote>
<script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>
Anyone who thinks W’s campaign manager has America’s best interests at heart is too fucking stupid to be allowed to vote, speak, or go out in public without adult supervision.
Joe’s first act as president should be making water ice available in all locations across the country. Put a Rita’s in Michigan, motherfucker.
found a funny:
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Dying over here at this one
Checks out. Good stuff.
Text my mom just sent me:
Did they fire Matt Nagy too?
Wanna see the text your mom sent me?
I knew I was opening the door for that, but i thought it was worth it
Texts From BFC’s Mom would be entertaining.
Would break block editor
wait
PAC 12 football got the green light?
cool!
Ghouliani presser in a parking next to a dumpster.
Maybe he’ll fall in when he kills over
Threw on ABC news for a minute since it’s on the same app I was watching anyway, and what a cursed fucking panel that is.
So much talk about the politics here, while all of you are missing what’s really important and rare that’s happening – EA Games actually found a way to make money in a non-scummy way ! We’re finally getting a 4th Mass Effect game (and a proper remaster for 1-3!) 😀
Also, on the poltics side – is it ok for me to be a bit bitter about the result, ’cause I was legit hoping for Al Franken to get the nod (before he got railroaded I mean) instead of Biden?
A Democrat just won the presidency, so it’s time for half the country to act super concerned about the deficit
Lindsey Graham is already on the record with this very issue.
Nothing as predictable as federal politics
The Democrats
Everyone but FOX has called PA for Diamond Joe. Balvenie here I come, though it’s still a little morningish.
Cheers from up here.
/clinks glass
No one tell the wife, but her decision to make my life hell with the bathrooms was actually a good thing, ’cause basically all the pipes so far have been ticking time bombs and one may’ve actually been low-key legit burst (with the fun question of “if it was burst, where the fuck did it leak to” hanging over my head) XD
Also, Hippo, thanks for yer assist with ManUre, but I’d have been happy with just the draw y’know
Edit: I think this is as good an excuse as any to buy me a proper boroscope kit from Bosch (maybe a FLIR as well), right?
for anyone reading this, my father and grandfather spent the majority of their adult lives in either maitence or upkeep of some kind:
take care of your shit in fall. dont wait till next spring. if it goes tits up in the dead of winter you wont be able to get a quick appointment because most plumbers and heaters will be busy with other calls, and 9 times out of ten itd gonna be you freezing your ass off in the garage or in the basement trying to fix it.
and when spring does roll around you’ll be dragging your feet because it’ll still feel too cold and be basically winter, then june hits and you want to go outside. take care of your shit, bite the cost or you’ll pay more in the long run
I concur – it’s never a smart idea nor a cheap solution to punt even non-essential repairs into the nebulous future. Also, working construction in high school pays off as more than just a motivator to go into IT, ’cause contractor rates are FUCKING INSANE year-round 😀
Coffee, joint, no 3 year old terrorizing me, all I need is Mighty Whitey to show up vs Fronks scummy East London squad later.
Lucky bastard.
I see Rick Grenell speak and the only thing I can think of is, ‘what self-respecting man would actually want to drive their cock into this man’s asshole?’
“Always expect the unexpected” oh so it’s true, soccer talking guys are just as bad as every other sport
But the soccer guys say it with a classy British accent, so it’s cool.
In all fairness, if you foresee the unforeseeable and plan accordingly… you wouldn’t be wasting your time blabbing bollocks on telly, when you can be makin’ REAL money instead XD
Arizona’s opener against Utah is off because the Utes cannot field enough players without the COVID.
I am taking into account the historically filthy personal hygiene of Fake Christians as part of my argument for UA to leave the PAC-12 and help form a less fucked conference.
Top of the morning from the mtns. Kid and wife free weekend. Morning wine? Don’t mind if I do? Yesterday Litre even left me a pre rolled joint. That was nice of me. (I do not remember)
Sue you in federal court, you say?
/Sends Brett Kavanaugh a nice young virgin to rape.
//Files suit.
///Wins.
Here’s how the wormhole evolves-
-“Oh Billy Tubbs passed away”
-“His 87-88 lost in the finals”
/hmm, better take a look at the roster
/oh right that backcourt of Mookie Blaylock and Rickie Grace was the best defensively that I ever saw
“Wonder what ever happened to Grace?”
Turns out he played his entire pro career (except a cup of joe in the NBA) in Australia, won 4 championships, represented the nation in the 2000 Olympics and now works with underprivledged aboriginals
/fin
/not finished, currently looking at Australia’s Basket Hall of Fame site
Andrew Gaze led the league in scoring 16 years in a row.
My friends are liquidators down there and have sold off stuff of 2 teams that have gone bankrupt!
What is Offsides!!@??
Not sure I’m comfortable with a ranked Indiana football team.
How you reckon Indiana feels??
“I’ll tell you what’s wrong-first thing, the balls the wrong dad-blasted shape! And far’s as I can see, there ain’t no net nowhere!”
as an Indiana I can confirm it feels weird as fuck
/puts on pedant hat
The first person of color to be VP was Charles Curtis, because this country is racist enough to count someone an eighth native American as not white.
#OneDrop – Jefferson Beauregard S., Lickspittle, AL
Again, I would like to thank Diamond Joe for giving me the one and only reason this week not to commit suicide*.
*after NFL playoffs obvs
Match commentator is really shipping Pog-vani HARD.
But almost nobody gets reasonably-sized fake boobies.
Post cancer mastectomy reconstruction women beg to differ*, they just want to have something back. And they can’t afford new clothes after paying the bills.
*Having multiple friends who had to have mastectomies due to cancer
Completely agree. Natty curves are better but hell yes them ladies should feel curvy after battling the big C.
Small consolation – I had “Lose, nil-2, Fernandes” in Prediction League
At least you can laugh at my misery today, lol. I spent the better part of the morning tearing down old tiles and enjoying lungfulls of cement dust (though at least I have some cider and Hardcore History to keep me company) 😀
#UseYourTank(s)
Well, I did use them to offload the pallets from the hardware store’s delivery lorry. I think I can use the CEV as a cherry picker to put some insulation around the house as well …
BERNARD WOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
YUR BASTARDS MUST NOT WIN… ’cause after the last EPL loss, wifey got the “let’s redo the bathrooms” bug … I don’t want to do the kitchen too, mmmmmkay?
Also hi y’all 😀
as you requested, immediate concession