Hey howdy, y’all.  Hope you are wallowing in your shame like a good Commentist should.  Let’s talk some FITBAW!!

Sparta Prague completed Celtic’s utter humiliation, bouncing them from the NIT Shempions League.  Two late goals bloated the scoreline all the way to 4-1.  Ouchy the fook ouch!  Celtic are fuckweasels, plus I had money on Sparta.  Talk about a win-win!

/so ends your bonus coverage, since #NuAIDS took away the Thursday night NFL fixture

Did you forget that the no-Fuck LioUns were terrible?  If getting shut the fuck out by the Black Panthers didn’t do the job, then yesterday surely did.  I mean seriously, y’all get one “showcase” fixture per season, and you lay down like that foar Romeo Crennel and the 500s???

Anyway, Fat Stafford is both hurt and terrible, and Matt Patricia’s sole remaining goal in life is too fuck over fantasy enthusiasts with his Purple Balls Jesus goal line usage.  Sheeit, Crennel even pulled some modern maths out his considerable arse, going for 2 with a 15-point lead.  In case you are a tad slow/hungover, one does this to make it officially a 3-score game.  With 12 and change left to play, it was indeed (h/t to BFC):

Following some uber-extended garbage time, 500s eventually prevail by a 41-25 tally.

But worry not, bored and nap-considering imaginary friends!  Because we have the crucial battle for first place (at 4-7) in the NFC Special Needs Division!  For the love of God, the 500s are even 4-7.  But unless we get Most Glorious Draw, either the ‘Dacteds or the Non-Gendereds will assume the mantle of Tallest Midget.

And that would be The Football Team.  While Ron Rivera had his own personal wet dream (his side was disciplined, well-prepared, dominated LOS on both sides of el pelota – then, excecuted a calculated risk to press leverage).  Whereas Captain BlueBunny?  Gave us some performance art, even by his own lofty standards.  Like Jackson Pollock finger-painting with his own excrement.

In the first half, he went for 4th and a foot in his own territory.  I have no problem with that.  But a fairly difficult 5-yard out route?  El stupido.  You can throw there, but it needs to be a shot down the field, to maximize your reward (enough to outweigh the risk of losing the sneak “surer thing”).  Certainly not a throw that Team was in position to defend, even with a stacked box.  Washington quickly cashed in for 7.

THEN, after a pickerception run back to the WAS 3…he called for CeeDee Lamb to PASS THE BALL.  Loss of 7 yards, and they’d eventually settle for a FG.

THEN, the piece de ridiculoso – a very obviously telegraphed, turtle-slow developing fake punt, on 4th and 10 from around his own 20.  Remember how I noted above the preparation and the discipline?  THOSE ARE HALLMARKS OF RIVERA-COACHED TEAMS.  In fact, that’s why the hire was so good, as WAS was a franchise in dire need of “please stop being a carnival/shooting selves in dick” larnin.’  This time, Dacteds immediately cashed in for 7 (instead of just promptly), building an insurmountable 34-16 lead.

They’d tack on another garbage time score, before taking knees (sorry FOAR the trigger, Alex) to accept a 41-16 final.  Looky-loo, both winners scored 41!  And WAS impressively did that by solely running the ball and checking down (safely, except for the awful pickerception – which was also a checkdown).

To the JV slate we go!  Subject, as always, to late-breaking #NuAIDS arse-fingering:

Iowa State (+1) at Texas (Noon, ABC)

I suppose this could be a preview of the Big Twaaaalllllve title match, as Steerfuckers North have a nasty case of NuAIDS.  So, Cornpone State and Steerfuckers South might be the last two standing, so to speak.  Anyway, this is by far the best game in terms of “both sides are reasonably competent.”  Plus, you know.  POINTS.

Nebraska (+13.5) at Iowa (1:00, Fox)

Look, I get that the Cornfuckers are wretched, but should Team Cornpone be almost two full-TD favoUrites against anyone?  I think not.  This will be ugly as sin, but you’ll watch.  For the cornholing potential, I guess.  And because you are fat and lazy.

Stanford (Even) at Cal (4:00, Fox)

Rivalry fixture!  The Big Game, expect to see the “band play” at least once per quarter.  These are…not good JV squadrons.  Not at all.  But you aren’t gonna see me break down the two biggest asshole sides in all of JV NFL, squaring off against each other on some other network.  FUCK RIGHT OFF.

Oregon (-13.5) at Oregon State (7:30, ESPN)

Do I smell Civil War entropy?  Yes, Other Hippo, you sure do!  Wait, maybe that’s just gas.  Anyway, cool rivalry series name, and Corvallis >>> Eugene, so Go Niiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiccccccccce Beaver!