Your “Who’s That Mysterious Figure?” Sunday Night Football Open Thread

It was a cold night. Not historically cold or even stereotypically cold given how goddamn freezing it can get around these parts but just objectively and objectionably cold. I hate it when people dismiss temperatures in the 20s (that’s Fahrenheit, obviously) as “not that bad”–Fuck you, when condensation chills to a solid, it’s fair to say that my teeth would be chattering if I “braved” the elements wearing just umbros and blue and orange chest paint. Even inside this car, especially since the heat didn’t seem to be working in this clearly purchased at a police auction used crown vic.

I wondered if it would start to snow. The forecast didn’t call for it, but what did those meteorologists know anyway? They didn’t know what the future holds, they couldn’t. They could never anticipate life’s little wrinkles, the well, not quite sliding doors but small moments that forever change not just your life but someone else’s. Maybe lots of someone elses’ lives. 

I had been staring out the window of the car and doing this kind of wondering for a while, waiting for a stranger to come out of a building on the outskirts of town. A small town, and one in which I’d never spent much time. But there I was, looking for snow that isn’t coming to fall from clouds that aren’t there, all the while steadfastly ignoring the two items clutched in my gloved hands.

In the left, a small crumpled piece of paper with another man’s instructions written on it. In the right, a small blade, slightly stained with the hints of that same man’s prior extracurricular activities.

I still don’t understand how he found me or why I said yes, but the calm in his voice from when he started with “I need you to take care of something for me” meant that I had already said the word “yes” before my head or heart could process what I was signing up for tonight.

“Here’s the deal–everyone wants him gone, including himself. This is what I do, I put people out of their misery. He has no family, no friends, no future. Sometimes all the world needs is an assist from guys like me to make things go just a little bit more quickly toward where they were already headed. There’s a car outside with everything you need in it, including a little thank you present for yourself. Look, I can’t do it tonight. Trust me, I wish I could.”

That last sentence chilled me to the bone. Two things were clear–First, that someone was going to kill this poor sap in due time and second, that the man asking me to “fill in” for him clearly reveled in this type of cleansing that most reviled.

“How do I even know it’s the right guy?” was the only question I could muster.

The stranger glowered at me as if it was an idiotic question.

“There’s an address in the car. No one, and I mean literally no one else, will be there. Like I said, he has no one and nothing in his life. And he’s a man of routine. He likes his solitude and then exactly once per day, he exits for a few hours and then returns to his loneliness for the night.”

And then he walked away. As I replayed the conversation in my head, the look in the stranger’s eyes continued to haunt me. This crown vic, this blade, this victim–they were all so premeditated that everything had to have been rehearsed, right down to choosing me as the stand-in.

The appointed time neared and my heartbeat quickened. What were my options at this point? I could bail. Return the crown vic–with the cliched but splattered briefcase of loonies and twonies still in it–to the off airport parking lot and go about my day. I guess I could even keep the car and the coin but that didn’t seem wise. None of this seemed wise, least of all letting down the stranger with a penchant for hastening the exits of lost souls.

I had to go through with it, didn’t I? After all, everything was the way the stranger said it would be. Absolute silence and solitude, a single car parked in an isolated corner of an already sparsely populated town outside of the less than booming metropolis of Green Bay. If this target, this fancy hobo, really was a sad sack looking for a way out, maybe a mercy killing with modest renumeration was the right play. 

The blade seemed like an odd way to go, but the stranger was insistent–it HAD to be a blade, this blade. All I had to do was greet him–for a lost soul apparently he was quite friendly to strangers–and when he went to shake my hand, the shake would be replaced by the shank. Then I was to leave the body but make sure to place the blade back into the trunk of the crown vic and return to my business.

All of these thoughts floating and flowing, but not a flake of snow. Not a whit of activity–until the front door of the house cracked open.

I steeled the blade and my nerves and reached for the handle of the car door. And then I took another look at the man whose life I was expected to take.

I recognized him. And that’s when I knew I had to let him walk away and risk the wrath of the stranger from earlier in the day.

fin.


Tonight’s fare features the Green Bay Packers (7-3) hosting the Chicago Bears (5-5) with the starting quarterbacks being Aaron Rodgers and (triple checks notes) Mitch Trubisky.  As much as Bears fans hate Mitch, let’s take a look around at the smoldering remains of NFL rosters and see who else is starting at QB this week who sucks a whole lot more* than Mitch–

  • Brandon Allen, who wasn’t even the Bengals back up but is allegedly a better option that Ryan Finley
  • Mike Glennon, known giraffe
  • Joe Flacco, elite dumpster fire Sam Darnold sucks, too
  • Ryan Fitzpatrick, home to a family of birds
  • Taysom Hill, the Mormon Kordell Stewart but with a lower ceiling and floor
  • Carson Wentz, currently leading the league in INTs and rumored to be pulled out of today’s game for 2-3 plays at a time in favor of Jalen Hurts
  • A backup running back or wide receiver for the Broncos
  • Daniel Jones, who maybe is improving but still this
  • Nick Mullens, Andy Dalton, Alex Smith…toss up?
  • The tattered remains of Robert Griffin III, IF the Ratbirds game even happens at all, likely inside of a BSL IV facility

*Written before earlier slates kick off; if Royce Freeman or Kendall Hilton throw 3 TDs, suck it

The state of the NFL in COVID times is such that the Broncos petitioned the league to start an assistant coach at quarterback.

(But yeah, Kaep had been away from live game action for too long to have been a viable option two years ago).

Anyhoodles, as a Bears fan, I BEARLY noticed that the team was on a bye last week, might only watch a little bit of this game, and think that the Packers -8 is…overly optimistic. But it’s football between two teams technically in a battle for the division crown, so keep your wits about you, you never know when you might be called upon to fill in at quarterback…or where scotchy might be looming.

TO THE COMMENTING YOU GO!

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BrettFavresColonoscopy
BFC is a Chicago native transplanted to our nation's capital and transplanted again to the mountain West, then to SoCal, then back to the mountain West, and then again back to our nation's capital. He enjoys football, whisky, and the oxford comma.
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Doktor Zymm

FAT GUY TD!

Doktor Zymm

Actually, dude is big but not particularly fat. But still. BIG DUDE TD!

Recovery Whiskey

Fumbleception

Recovery Whiskey

Trubisky completes to the ground. Its a start

Recovery Whiskey

How is Matt Nagy 21-12 in his Bears career.

Doktor Zymm

Woo, Bench TD!

clint greasewood

Just realized Michaels and Collinsworth is not calling this game. NBC “B” team is better than what ESPN has put together in the last 15 years.

Mr. Ayo

Yea but.

SNF
Viva La Tabula Raza

Man, this game sucks more than I expected. And I expected it to suck a lot.

WCS

Ever heard of a little film titled, “Alien Vs. Predator”?\

LemonJello

Bears Offense?

comment image?itemid=17187380

Doktor Zymm

What is St. Brown saint of?

Mr. Ayo

tighty whities?

herodotus450

Isn’t his brother named Amon-Ra St. Brown? Doesn’t help clarify the issue.

The Maestro

I take it his father’s an unironic Hotep, then.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Recovery Whiskey

Forcing it deep into double coverage? Did Trubisky work with Sexy Rexy during his time on the bench?

Game Time Decision

Get out of my head. Lol

Mr. Ayo

Bro, you’ll never get a three way if you don’t force into double coverage.

Game Time Decision

Mitchell channelling his inner Rex Grossman

Last edited 3 years ago by Game Time Decision
Viva La Tabula Raza

Kmet? Is this guy named after a radio station’s call letters?

ballsofsteelandfury

THE MIGHTY MET!

Viva La Tabula Raza

Now that you mention it, I think those were the call letters of the FM station I listened to when I lived in SoCal back in the mid-1970s.

WCS

Also, what the Ancient Egyptians referred to, well, Ancient Egypt.

herodotus450

comment image

ballsofsteelandfury

What the FRK?

Recovery Whiskey

Must be czech. They have a thing with not using vowels

herodotus450

Ding ding ding we have a weiner. Born on Pelhrimov, Czechia

Recovery Whiskey

Smiles in Petr Čech

Viva La Tabula Raza

Makes Pat Sajak and Vanna White’s job just that much more difficult.

Game Time Decision

What is their format? Guessing new country

ballsofsteelandfury

It was hard rock. One of the few stations to play heavy metal in those days.

Recovery Whiskey

Looks like Trubisky can complete that 4 yard roll out.

herodotus450

They may require a lot of maintenance, but an old Marcedes is still quality

Mr. Ayo

Just remember, the maintenance costs on a 15 year old Marcedes is commensurate with the purchase price of a Marcedes 15 years ago.

Recovery Whiskey

Signs they hand out at the gate are so lame

WCS

comment image

Doktor Zymm

They may tease, but they always suck in the end

Viva La Tabula Raza
The Maestro

The simple pleasures of ridged potato chips and ranch dressing as a second dinner on a Sunday evening.

Doktor Zymm

I’m having Dahi Vada for dinner since it’s the only thing in my fridge that is supposed to be eaten cold and I’m far too lazy to reheat something

Game Time Decision

Second? Amateur
-A. Reid

Recovery Whiskey

What’s Trubisky have to do

Recovery Whiskey

Was good enough for Smokin’ Jay

Recovery Whiskey

All time Bears passing yardage.

Recovery Whiskey

Isnt it amazing that a 100 year old team has literally never had even an average QB that lasted more than a few years.

Seattle’s half their age and we can debate Wilson, Hassellbeck or even Dave mothafukin Kreig. All of whom would be all time leader on the Bears.

The Maestro

How dare you besmirch Jay Cutler’s name?

Recovery Whiskey

Cutty was fine. I thought he was at times unfairly criticized. But the fact remains his career on the Bears would not crack the top 3 Seattle QB. And thats not even considering guys like Zorn or Moon who were above average for a short time.

The Maestro

I know. I’m being facetious, really. But it’s honestly wild to think that Cutler and the Sex Cannon are possibly the two best QBs Chicago’s ever had.

Recovery Whiskey

And Harbaugh was gotten rid of by the franchise. For arguing with Ditka. About playing QB.

Doktor Zymm

They’re one of the teams that still considers the forward pass to be newfangled nonsense that will never catch on

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, I think there’s something about the Bears that makes QBs throw this way

The Maestro

Damn. So close to derpage.

Mr. Ayo

What is a catch?

Doktor Zymm

I think it’s just a thing that happens to fishcomment image?maxwidth=1200&autorotate=false

Doktor Zymm

“The call on the field is incomplete pass, but this play is being review by your mom”

Recovery Whiskey

Thats so Bears

Recovery Whiskey

Hey Montgomery’s back

King Hippo

It is time to give up on this FITBAW day. To the booky-book/bed combo platter!

Doktor Zymm

Yeah, it’s probably a safe assumption that the drive you just watched is representative of the game as a whole

litre_cola

That is the only guy I do not want A A Ron to throw it to!

Mr. Ayo

Nailed It!

–B. Walsh

Recovery Whiskey

You give a guy 9 seconds and he may just find a guy open

King Hippo

No need to cover Davante, Turf Monster’ll handle it!

/well, once anyway

Doktor Zymm

What is going on with that stairwell she’s perched in?

King Hippo

One may have hoped for MOAR Bearistocratic competence than was ever reasonable.

The Maestro

Evening, you fine people. I don’t have to teach for five whole days. I am fucking PUMPED. Time to just sit and mark like an absolute demon.

Game Time Decision

Fall break or something else?

The Maestro

Insane octomester class scheduling! It’s a Day 6 week this week – my schedule is 1,3,4,5,7,8… so I’m off for all Day 2 and 6 classes!

Game Time Decision

Ok, but have to say wtf is with that schedule. Lol

The Maestro

I joke that it’s easy, but it’s fucked.

Sept- Canadian Thanksgiving: Octo 1 – Day 1 classes 1 week, Day 2 the alternate week.

Canadian Thanksgiving – mid-November – Octo 2 – Day 3 classes 1 week, Day 4 the alternate week.

Mid-November – Xmas break: Octo 3 – Day 5 and 6

January: Octo 4 – Day 7 and 8.

Then Octo 5 starts up in February and then we run through the whole sequence again. It’s fucked the hell up.

Mr. Ayo

Coach, I’m going to have to take this snap from under center.

Game Time Decision

There’s no way that doesn’t end badly. Look how she’s holding the ball

Recovery Whiskey

Relatable.

Fronkenshteen

Ruins every Mark Twain audiobook too.

Recovery Whiskey

“Reminds me of the holidays at my uncles and grandparents!” — some guy

Mr. Ayo

You have one job. That is not it.

Doktor Zymm

Ok Bearritos, try to have enough of an offense that the Packaroos have to at least break a sweat to keep the lead.

bear.png
Mr. Ayo

Is that better or worse than Collinsworth?

Well, Al, heh, I mean, Mike, you might be right.

Doktor Zymm

No matter how many times I hear it, the shitty Sunday Night Football pop song doesn’t get any better

WCS

What is dead cannot die.

Recovery Whiskey

I just hope Joan Jett gets royalties

Viva La Tabula Raza

I think so. I don’t see her playing a lot of state or county fairs these days.

Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
Doktor Zymm

I have a theory that the playoffs will consist mainly of teams which have been mostly unscathed by Covid, so they can all get rampant Covid during the playoffs and mess everything up in a hilarious clusterfuck that involves the NFL reneging on all their TV contracts and losing a ton of money

Game Time Decision

Please let this happen

King Hippo

Excellent work, BFC! I even want Bear Down FOAR Midterms to win, as maybe we can get MRSA Dreamboat out of even the expanded playoffs.

Spur

I refuse to call Baby Yoda by his corporate name

WCS

Mayor McCheese?

..am I showing my age here?

Last edited 3 years ago by WCS
Mr. Ayo

Haha, the interesting thing is now every commenter has hobo blood lust and will have to fulfill it on their own.

Fronkenshteen

Tampa no haz timeouts?

herodotus450

Vanderbilt football coach fired, I THINK WE KNOW WHY!

JimU

Jay Cutler is going to coach at his alma matter?

herodotus450

Fahrenheit! Proof that hobo Scotchy is a light beer-slugging, god-fearin American!

litre_cola

Bfc authored this one, Scotchy is still a maple syrup peddlin Canuck.

herodotus450

Outsourcing this sort of work to foreigners? Smhdh

Game Time Decision

Wouldn’t this be repatriation?

Recovery Whiskey

Like when Trebek always had a Canadian question. Good thing that’s over with.

JimU

Mitchell!

Recovery Whiskey

Kissin Tiddies!!