Greetings and salutations, Imaginary Friends! I hope all of you got that fantasy playoffs-calibre performance (or strategic fuckups elsewhere) that y’all needed.
To that end – God bless Taysom Hill! Though I wasn’t super happy with his “empty hand” Q4 fumble (which Sherman’s Ashes almost turned into a manic comeback) – but overall, he was very good. Certainly better than Hippo (or Sean Payton) had any right to expect. But tis the Saints defense that is the real unsung hero, as they slog forward to the inevitable #1 seed in the NFC. 21-16, fin.
Like they always say in FITBAW – momentum is tomorrow’s starting pitcher. Fresh off an absolute defenestration of the Humps in the Gravy Dome? DonT’s Glorious Tits got shitcanned. At home. To #ThePauls! I had written Believeland off as complete pretenders, but the fuckers are 9-3 now. Persistent like herpes, those. It was 38-7 at the fucking half, but loads of Tanny Fanny garbage time cut the final margin to 41-35. For a December fixture, this was just shockingly bad for el Tractorcito.
Those defenestrated Humps? Just managed to hold on to beat the 500s, 26-20. Houston was inside the 2, with the clock approaching 1:00. I was just wondering whether Indy should let them score to have a chance on offense…when a bad snap turned the ball over and sent DonT back to his ciggies. Not pretty, but Indy is back in first.
I noticed very, very little of Chi****/Detroit, with Th’Andre Swift inactive. Every time the score showed up, it seemed like the no-Fuck Lions were down 10 or so. But our intrepid Bollo del Verdad was on the pitch, and shit it late he did. Fumbling inside his own 15, allowing DET an easy path to the go-ahead score. Theirs is a USFL defense, so naturally CHI got near the 20 in record time. But they curiously ran the ball on 4th and 2, and failed. They only had the one timeout, so you would have been looking at 1 or 2 shots to the end zone, regardless. Why be so concerned about “moving the sticks?” Get down the field, jackasses. But Bearistocrats! do as they do, and fall by a 34-30 final.
There were sooooooo many slap fights in MIA/CIN. Which is good, as it took away from the “action” on the “field.” Tua was fairly cromulent, despite being fairly crap in the red zone. Brandon Allen…was still Brandon Allen. One long TD aside (all Tyler Boyd’s doing), the Bungles did fuckall on offense. LOLfins have a good kicker of placements, which would get them an ugly-as-sin 19-7 victory. Fishy playoffs, one week closer to reality.
Dingleberry and the Vikings had no business winning this game. Home to the 1-win, giraffe-led Jaguras, and they kept shooting themselves in the dick. Foremost among these occurrences, a pick-six-erception early in Q3. Glennon even got his charges into the end zone, plus the 2-pointer to send things to OT. Each team missed a really long FG in the last 25 seconds, which was kind of fun. JAX had one excellent defensive series in them, but special teams BLEERGH and a Glennon pick broke their back. Minny got close enough for a FG that even Dan Bailey couldn’t miss. 27-24, and SKOL could make the playoffs. Jeebus, this year.
Speaking of one win, this was the Jest’ week to get theirs. They had the game won, multiple times. After a 2nd 4th down stop (first wiped out by BLEERGH), they had the ball and a 28-24 lead. Sure, they had to punt, but 35 seconds and no timeouts for Emo Carr? But Gangrene had single coverage (somehow) deep on a fly route…which Carr overthrew. Down to 13 ticks. Good Lord, bullet dodged. Or not, as they go with the same insane coverage again the next play, the corner bit on the stutter step, pitch and catch for the 46-yard game winner. 31-28, Vegas. Another squadron that will likely muck up the joy of playoff viewing. And here I was, all excited to write up a TE going off for 200 yards and LOSING. Which Darren Waller should have accomplished. BLECH. Can you tell this is a Bitter Donks Fan dreading SNF??
I don’t know how The Shield manages to get all of its dreck into the late window, 4 weeks out of 5. But fuck-a-doo, it sure was dreck this week. FOUR GAMES OF IT! Nothing says Clippers du Merde like lining up before half to attempt a 58-yard FG. Down 21-nil. With a shitty kicker. Anyway, the P*ts blocked it and ran it back, for a 28-zip halftime margin. Good thing there are no fans to see it, though as we all know, that’s nothing to do with #NuAIDS. Grumblelord will be boning ALL THE MILFS tonight. 45-nil, and it would have been worse had the Dark One wanted same. Their white punt returner even got a garbage score ON OFFENSE (to match his special teams score).
That sound y’all heard? Wasn’t your cat or dog puking on the carpet, ’twas the air going out of the Koach Kliff and Kyler boomlet. A Q4 pick 6 was the final nail in the coffin, and very much appreciated in DFO fantasy FITBAW. 38-28 (stupid Qards garbageDOWN), we know that’s how u RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRAM IT!! Yeah!
Bay of Green was beating the monkeyfuck out of Philly, all dusk long. Down 23-3, Pedersen finally yanked Dakota Jeebus. In the blink of an eye, the margin shrank like a cold pool weenie, to 23-16 (doinked extra point after a punt return TD). A.A. Ron went 3 and out, with almost 5 minutes left on the clock. But they could do nothing with it, and Jones sealed the win (and my playoffs-less fate) with a 77-yard rushing score. Was so beastly that Rodgers even pretended to like him.
Petey’s SeaTruthers were fast asleep this weekend, and it finally caught up to them. Say what you will about My NAME is JUDGE!…but his team shows up and fights, every week. They went on the road, with Colt McCoy quartered backing (his passing line was even worse than one might imagine) – and won. 17-12. Wow, just wow. Y’all suck. That’s 4 on the spin for the NFC Special Needs Division leaders! No shit!!
All right, I guess we have to talk about this wretched SNF affair. NBC couldn’t even bother flexing out of this snuff film, so Hippo could go to bed? Pfffttttt. Let it be said that Denver (much like the 86 P*ts in the Owl) once led 3-nil. And the first Chefs offensive series was a 3 and out! No, I don’t want to talk about the series to end Q2. Certainly nothing after that.
For everyone wondering about if “The Browns are for real”, their trusting of the process has been well documents on [DFO] for years.
https://www.doorfliesopen.com/2017/05/30/who-could-it-be-now/
Is Matt Nagy fired yet?
Unless he changed his name to Greggggggg, he’s still drawing a paycheck
As someone who has followed little BEARS action this year, is it Nagy or Pace?
Yes.
I’ve got the news on and just heard someone say “the question is when does a needle go into someone’s arm” and somewhere Todd Marinovich’s ears are burning.
/gets sued by RTD for copyright infringement
“Arm?”
-Jose Canseco
Right? My understanding is that all pricks go in the butt.
[shakes her head in exasperation] – Balls’ high school sex education teacher
Pictured: Balls staying after school for extra credit.
Staple my heart together!
I am listening to the Jets podcasts for my Schadenfreude Mondays and listening to all of these, I really hope Sam Darnold can go somewhere else and become an acceptable QB like Tannehill did once the Gase poison is washed off him.
DUUUUUUUUUVVVVVVVVVVAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLL!
Give The Giraffe 4-5 Year Deal!
$30 million a year for 4 years and all the acacia I can eat!
Crap — I should see if there is available last night’s episode of CARDINAL TALK…
We have a basketball net in our driveway that no one has thrown a basketball at in years. In fact, I’m not even sure we have a basketball in the house anymore. My wife has scheduled it to be removed, without consulting yours truly.
She has our handyman, (also not me, and for very good reasons), coming over to remove it, which he is apparently going to do by pulling it out by the roots with his van.
And when is this happening? Right. Fucking. Now.
Stay tuned for further details!
By the roots? Um…are you sure your wife directed him to the actual basketball hoop and not just some random tree?
What destructible structures are close by or any structures once thought to be indestructible? He does understand that the pole will act as a giant lever which probably has no fulcrum which can take the stress, right? Sorry, you said professional handyman, so no.
We moved everything that was within reasonable range beforehand.
I think he got pretty lucky when the rusted base just sort of bent in. I do have to say that he accelerated very slowly and steadily rather than just flooring it and hoping for the best. Honestly I was looking forward to some chaos to liven up a cold Monday morning.
OK, this was very anti-climactic, and I feel more than a little like Geraldo Rivera outside Al Capone’s “vault.”
The hoop bent over at the base, then all the rust gave out and it just sort of keeled over and landed with a solid thud.
The fun part was that there was jagged bits of rust sticking out of the ground. The responsible solution would be to pay the guy extra to dig it, and the cement base, out of the frozen ground. The irresponsible, but free, thing to do would be for me to go into the shed, get my sledgehammer, and pound the jagged metal flat before burying it with some dirt from the compost pile.
Anyway, the pole is down and now there’s a big pile of dirt to mark where it used to be.
Free >>>>>>>> responsible
Every time.
I love that you are a lawyer who took note of a potential tetanus hazard on your own property and literally just shoveled some dirt over it.
Hey, I pounded all the jagged edges down flat before I shoveled that dirt over it!
Yep, and the possible flying tetanus shrapnel from pounding it down.
It’s even better because both my wife and the handy man are metal detector fanatics. I virtually guarantee that my wife is going to be digging that spot up come spring because she “got a hit!”
A jolt just up my spine from my butthole. Goddamn Property class.
The in-between solution, digging up that big lump of cement without benefit of ‘professional’ help, is possible. But doing it by hand is a ginormous PITA.
I have an 8-foot pole with a big wifi antenna on it, back from when 3G was my broadband solution (Clearwire). My experience with removing fenceposts with nothing but a shovel and pure will/stupidity has scared me off from tackling that.
And doing that is why I now have a bad back. I removed 9 fenceposts that way along with the concrete, never, never again.
What’s the line on fines from the bench clearing brawl in Miami?
I’m glad to say that the Jets didn’t fucking do this to me!
3 pm football today? Yes please. If Antonio Gibson could get all the points I would be happy
All these weird midday games is an unforeseen advantage of 2020 Covidball
Wait, what?
Personally I’m thrilled to have had a chance to watch “Dem’s Da Jets!” now airing on CBS. It’s like they took the madcap antics of “That’s My Raiders!” and made them EVEN ZANIER!
I thought “The Biggest Loser” was an NBC production.
Dem’s Da Jets just fired Gregg Williams
Our long national nightmare is half over.
Just 4 more losses and Trever Lawrence is all yours!
I hope he stays at Clemson, just to make it even worse for the Jets or pulls an Eli. And frames it as being for health reasons – mental health reasons.
See the bye week post. Totally a viable option.
Listening to the podcasts from Jets fans is hearing how much they look forward to tanking for Trevor and have already placed him in a Jets uniform.
Trevor Lawrence will stay at Clemson long enough to get a PhD in Classical Greek before he goes to the Jets, at least if he knows what’s best for him.
At Clemson, a degree in Classical Greek is sleeping with Coeds from all the sororities and partying at all the fraternities. And able to say the Greek alphabet.
If you can say it backwards you get summa cum laude!
One more hurricane season like this 2020’s and pretty much everybody in the SEC will know the Greek alphabet by heart.
I thought “pulls an Eli” was taking 2 fruit roll-ups back to your blanket fort instead of just the 1 Olivia allowed.
I was beginning to wonder if he called those plays because even he wants out of that shitshow. Maybe he finally understood that they were not going to get rid of Gase and make him HC.
According to Orlovsky he *always* makes calls like that in Hail Mary situations. The Raiders knew to expect it; note how they went into max protect and were able to contain the blitz.
So just his general incompetence as usual.
Lest we all forget, Gregg was also the DC of the 0-16 Browns. Maybe he is going for some sort of twisted record.
It’s pretty sad when you’re justifiably criticized by Orlovsky, a guy primarily known for running backwards out of his own end zone.
And also my alma mater’s most (in)famous football alumnus.
Connecticut U-Conn Huskies! Symbol of might/to the foe!
Fight, fight Connecticut/It’s Victory!/Let’s go!
The song goes on, but that’s all I can remember now.
The pride of Shelton!
The whole Naugatuck Valley should probably be considered some sort of combination Superfund/Third World Redevelopment zone, and yes I am from Waterbury.
Isn’t the Housitonic still technically a superfund site?
https://www.epa.gov/ge-housatonic/cleaning-housatonic#HowMuchLonger
Apparently for at least the next 13 years, and that clock doesn’t start ticking until GE goes through the appeals. That appears mostly centered around their old plant in Pittsfield, MA, but of course CT is downstream from that.
In the foreseeable future, do not eat fish or game that depends on the Housatonic.
https://www.newstimes.com/news/article/Robert-Miller-Don-t-eat-trout-from-the-7383443.php
‘Tis true. Tits D drove me to smoke again. Finding comfort in Phil Morris is the most toxic of relationships.
TEN is 8-4, so there’s no reason to go full nihilism. Although, gotta say: Pats reaching the playoff with a shit team and pseudo Cam has some charm.
Are…are the Patriots likable now?
No.
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For some reason I do now, must be because I like Cam and Tawmmy is in MRSA land. I really want it to be apparent that it was the coach and not the QB who was the reason for all the Pats success.
Feel exactly the same.
Get ready to be disappointed – I think it’s going to be shown that they are both very good on their own, and combined they became great.
STOP RUINING MY RATIONALIZATION!
I’m sort of rooting for the Patriots just so all the Tawmmy’s have to root for a Black guy.
The absolute weirdest thing re 2020 is…not really hating – or even disliking – the P*ts no more.
Tennessee is a CIS female because they’ve got Tits but no D.
BAHAHAHAHAHA
So much bad football. I can’t wait to watch again next Sunday.
SO MUCH THIS
and Monday
and Tuesday
and Wednesday