Your fantasy championship (well, most of it) comes down to this. As you sweat it out (except for The Revanchist) be sure to have booze and snackies at the ready. You did some admirable work at the dinner table yesterday but now’s not the time to give up. Bear down! Quitting is for later, when it would be more convenient to do so.
TO THE GAMES!
Falcons/Chiefs:
Oh Atlanta secondary, we hardly knew ya. Since week 8, all the Chiefs wins have been by just one score. Maybe that streak gets done hard by today. The only interesting matchup for the Falcons would seem to be Ridley vs the secondary. He’s leading the league in most air yards and endzone looks the past month and K.C. has given up the 2nd-fewest points to wr’s all season.
Browns/Jets:
I’m guessing the pressure is off now for the Jets and they can roll over per usual and allow opposing teams to rub their fuselages. Mayfield is the 2nd-highest rated passer since week 7. Thanks, Kevin Stefanski!
Colts/Steelers:
Over the last three weeks Ben’s third down numbers are thus-16-35/154 with 0 TD’s and 2 INT’s. That’s a passer rating of 34.7. If the Steelers lose today their matchup with the Browns in week 17 will decide the AFC North-a thought that was unpossible a month ago.
Bears/Jags:
In true Truth Biscuit fashion, he’s going to muddle the hell out of the Bears qb situation this offseason. How’s he going to do it? By continuing to put up good numbers vs shitty teams and that’s happening again today. Since he got his job handed back to him his ypa is 8.4 and his passer rating is 112.7. Those are the hefty numbers expected when one beats down the Vikings and Texans.
Giants/Ravens:
Is Lamar rounding into shape? Yes, he’s played some lousy D’s but ever since his bout with Covid he’s raised his completion percentage from 58 to 67 and his yards per passing attempt is a healthy 9.2.
Bengals/Texans:
It’s a battle for draft position! Except that the Ghost of Bad Decisions haunts this tilt. [Fred takes mask off ghost] “WHHAA? Mr. O’Brien!!!”*
*Miami owns the Texans pick
Jibber that jabber below.
Tell me that Jax DB doing push-ups after he dropped an easy INT will be gif’d for quotables
With most of the 3rd QRT gone, Steelers have 6 rushing yards. Mike Tomlin should be rolling in his grave.
I just saw that “Super Gonnorhea” is trending on Twitter and I can only assume that Gronk is involved.
I hate football…I hate Covid….I hate the Browns…
This game reminds me of what that lion at the zoo told me–giraffes never get revenge
One now wonders if PIT still rests starters and lets #ThePauls into the playoffs. I mean, that would mean a 5-game losing streak. But it would also bone the Ratbirds.
Well, boning people who don’t want to be boned is one of Ben’s favorite hobbies.
You know who else loves boning Ratbirds? Jim Tomsula, that’s who.
“Pull off all the feathers and the tar and there’s some good meat on those birds!”
So glad I didn’t start Sammy Watkins at QB-he’s 0-1 with an INT.
Don Fangio is getting a 3rd year. Perhaps Our Equine Lord and Saviour is learning a lesson??
“How does one throw the ball away?” – Matt Ryan
It’s like throwing a big lead away, Matt.
Tyreeks missus is shaking.
In all seriousness, I feel like in that situation you really gotta seek out Tyreek and cut block the shit out of him. Break one of his bones like he did to his own son.
Leon Lett nods
Perhaps my nerdiest pleasure is the release of the Week 17 “re-arranged so that all plausible meaningful stuff is in concurrent windows” TV schedule.
LOL
watch the Jets get the #1 pick
then take a lineman to protect Darnold
All 6 at halftime???? This should be illegal.
Wow! 6 safeties?!
Hey, I just realized that the color guy on the CIN-HOU is Greg “Put the Team on My Back Even Though He Broke His Leg” Jennings. Oh no, it’s Darren Sharper, one of the hardest-raping safeties in the Leeeeeg. Fuck it!
I CALL THE STEELERS ‘ME LOSING MY VIRGINITY’ BECAUSE THEY GOT OFF TO A FAST START BUT ENDED UP DISAPPOINTING EVERYONE THAT WAS CHEERING THEM ON!
Sounds like every sexual encounter of mine for the last 45 years…
Instead of the Meteor, this year I’m going to root for a horde of Scythian Horse Archers to descend upon and ravage abomination games
It’s possible that you have been playing too much Civ VI.
Probably, but this in particular was inspired by the awesome unis the horse archers had
Oooh it fancie!
Dear Lord
Are you referring to BLEEERGH or SHAN’KLOR?
Damn, COVID. This game could be happening in front of 69,000 booing Steelers fans!
I’d say that was a duck from Trubisky but ducks fly straighter than that
And their penises aren’t as corkscrewy as that throw
Jaguras TRYING to give the game away, but Bollo gon’ Bollo
Spam and Weaselo limping to the Freezer vodka finish! 3rd place game has many more points.
A plastic mickey of Alberta “premium” vodka comin South!
(Bengals do a good) “Yay, Bengals!”
(Bengals do a bad) “Yay, Draft Position!”
It’s a “wince, wince” situation!
I’m going to have to root for Cleveland next week, am I?
No! Bad Redshirt! Go sit in the corner.
I’m a Bears fan and all, but how the fuck is this a playoff contender?
This was a playoff clinching scenario for #ThePauls
I had those thoughts with two or three of the Bengals teams in the first half of the 2010s.
Three wild cards this year, the NFC East is trash, and the NFC is currently 26-33-1 against the AFC.
Also Kilff Kingsbury is Big XII coach in the NFL.
I think for my dream of the Rams missing the playoffs to come true, the Bears need to win.
Falcons tertiary trying hard to level up.
/hey, I got you, gamers
Deshaun Watson quasi-dad. William Jackson III mostly-ded.
McCarron time?
Bullshit! Watson was hurt!
Laserdown
Steelers are fucking useless
That’s not true, they’re giving me a hell of a laugh right now.
– corporate America since the early eighties
First edicts after I am elected Evil Overlord for Life:
Hear ye, hear ye! By My Command, the following infractions will now be punishable by death:
Dark colored lettering on dark colored jersey (or light on light)
Calling a single reverse a double reverse (ball reverses direction one = single reverse, ball reverses direction twice = double reverse)
LOL
its almost like they don’t know about
basic color theory
“Basic color theory is so easy!” [sticks red crayon in one nostril, green in the other]
-E. Manning
Or calling an end-around a reverse. (I hate to give him credit because he’s such a wanker, but this is one thing that Gregg Easterbrook pointed out.)
Some Special Young Man Strength for Touch of Downs!
Which is > Farm Strength
chuh chuh it is.
Still think he could be an above-average QB if he can get away from the black hole of suck that is the Jest.
Even if he is likely a paste-eating moron in everyday life.
The paste holds his insides together!
Remind me never to donate money to a political campaign ever again, or at least to give a fake email if I do. What idiot decided that spamming your supporters was an awesome campaign strategy? Even charities figured out that’s a dumb move and stopped doing it.
Donate $50 to the “Hippofant reminds Zymm not to donate to political campaigns” campaign now!
Meta
And many of them are going beyond spamming into outright hostility. A friend recently got one regarding the GA senate races (which are already the most expensive in history) titled something like “[name,] we’re not mad, just disappointed in you.”
You want a silver lining to the insane “big money in politics?” I feel no shame in opting out of donating.
Ugh, that’s probably the only good argument I’ve heard for eliminating the senate
I don’t know, I find the existence of Mitch McConnell to be sufficient.
You only need to eliminate 1% of the senate to fix that
I got one of those recently. I can’t imagine those do anything other than piss people off.
I learned my lesson after giving 200 bucks to the Kerry campaign in 2004. I still get emails, 16 years later.
AJ Green caught a long pass.
If at tenth you don’t succeed, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try, try again!
Are the Texans even trying any more?
Hey, Green’s a Team Captain. By Grandfather clause?
Rex Grossman nods approvingly
It’s Throwback Sunday for the Browns today.
Mark my words, somebody is going to…
[remembers track record of own predictions]
Mark my words, nobody is going to beat these Chiefs in the playoffs.
Falcons are up. Chiefs W now guaranteed.
Anyone else in the mood for a 70 yard Ridleydown?
Jeebus Christ! I’ll take the 54 yarder.
Report: NFL to expand regular season to 17 games in 2021 (usatoday.com)
Good News: We get an extra week of NFL football starting next year.
Bad News: We get an extra week of NFL football starting next year.
*Bengals football
It would not break my heart were I to start feeling the same indifference towards regular season NFL as I do towards regular season [every other sport].
But how will the Dolphins/Bears/NFC East stumble to their traditional 8-8 finish? 9-8 or 8-9 just doesn’t have that familiar symmetry.
Go Jet Jaguars!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7cxV8Bf8ND4&ab_channel=GalvaTRION
Bengals receivers need to quit drawing their routes on the grass before each play. I think the defense is starting to notice.
KC getting too cute here.
Break Up the Noo Yawk Football Jest!
K.C. getting way, way too cute on 4th down.
I agree
“Wanking motion”
-not pictured
Fucking idiot Atlanta cornerback just made an interception on the 1 yard line. On a 4th down attempt.
Like this is why I hate the Chiefs so fucking much. Teams are always, always, ALWAYS doing stupid shit like this for their benefit.
LOOK AT ME! I JUST COST OUR TEAM 30 YARDS OF FIELD POSITION! I’M A BIG BOY!
Did he have a chance to run it back at least?
No.
Papa John’s ad referred to one of their special pies as “chunderdome.” Obvsly not an Australian ad man.
They don’t come from a land down under where women blow and men chunder
Alright Mitch Titties
an Allen Robinson TD catch
would be ROCKING!!!
Most Surprising Thingy So Far Today? The Falcons/Chiefs tilt is scoreless into the 2nd quarter.
Not when you consider those are both my (consolation round) placement kickers.
found a funny:
Inventor of wine: It will be very expensive
Investors: Ok sounds good
Inventor of wine: And you drink it out of a glass that’s extremely fragile and top heavy. It doesn’t add anything to the experience, it just makes you nervous the whole time you’re drinking.
Investors: Great
Inventor of wine: And people will pay obscene amounts of money to only sip small amounts of it.
Historical wine like the Greeks and Romans drank was total plonk, setting the stage for the eventual progression to Bukowski downing Night Train
Scotland, circa 1650… we hid this distilled spirit in wooden barrels for 12 years to avoid paying taxes. Lets see what happened. Opens sealed barrels, clear alcohol has turned brown.
Fuck it I’ma drink it.
This is what the Budweiser “Real Men of Genius” ads should have covered, but there was an obvious conflict of interest….
First guy to see a cow: I am gonna grab one of those things and drink whatever comes out…
Romo is an annoying dipshit today.
you shut your whore mouth.