It’s very nearly the crunchiest of crunch times now. Can the Bills top off week 16 with a twisting of the knife into the Pats mid-section? I’m guessing pretty much everyone in the NFL-fans, assistants, owners, trainers, strength coaches, beer sellers, ushers, parking lot attendants, ticket-takers, dieticians, public relations types, technical staff, sideline referees, cheerleaders, general managers and a whole helluva lot of other folks are hoping to see it happen. I think.
Fallout:
-Well, league defenders don’t have Duane Haskins to intercept any more. As noted in Hippo’s column, he’s been kicked off the team so that he could spend more time with Desiree, Cinnamon, Destiny, Raven, Trinity, Roxie, Chardonnay, Coco and Capri and wonder, “Just how the hell did it all go wrong? Damn it!”
-Are you-like me-thinking that there should be more coaches charging up and down the sideline, screwing up their faces in agony, berating refs for inconsequential calls and tearing off headsets? Or maybe if just one dude could do all those things constantly? Well, according to rumors a certain Harbaugh is on a few interview lists.
-Speaking of trendy coaching names, Urban Meyer’s name has been bandied about and has been connected to the Lions, Falcons and Jags.
-Incredibly old elf Frank Gore has been shelved for next week having gained exactly 16,000 yards in his forty year career. It will be his third game missed in the last decade and one day (maybe next Friday?) he’ll be able to tell his grandkids that he played back in the day when you had to run uphill both ways.
-Get ready to be familiar with the name John Wolford-he’s half canine, half vehicle and all man. And also the guy that might be replacing Jared Goff next week. He’s not played a single down in the NFL-I guess I just figured out why these retread qb’s like McCoy and Daniels just keep sticking around.
TO THE GAME!
Bills/Pats:
-Buffalo has a bit of work to do-they’re 6-35 vs New England since [in Conan O’Brien Show voice] the year 2000.
-But one of those victories came this year as qb Allen got over the hump, kinda. In 5 games against the Pats he’s sporting an unsporty stat line of 57-113 (50.4%) with 3 TD’s and 6 INT’s. Contrast that to his numbers this year-a 68% completion rate and a 30-9 TD/INT ratio.
-Whomever Bills OC Daboll decides to give da ball (Singletary or Moss) they should have a smattering of success given that the Pats have given up career days to Akers and Ahmed in the last two weeks. In Buff’s earlier W they ran at a 5.9 ypc clip, had 3 TD’s and totaled 195 yards.
-Good luck to Cam tonight in his attempt to conjure something out of nothing.
-The Bills D didn’t start the year out very well which was a bit of a surprise but DC Leslie Fraser, who in his previous three years blitzed at a 23% rate, is now sending in the troops 36.6% of the time. In the last month they’ve given up 20+ points just once.
Have a ball. A coconut ball, preferably.
Chase Winovich is good, but dammit is he ever the “annoying white try-hard guy that announcers knob-slob” type.
I wasn’t watching but when I heard him described as having a high motor, I knew he was white.
when ESPN Fantasy tips the win probability in my favor
Kelvin Benjamin with the TD!
Closer Lee Smith, notching saves for the Orioles and catching TDs for the Bills.
Also took the Sosa piils.
Smith was part of that Cubs bullpen that included Sutter, Willie Hernandez, Dick “Dirt” Tidrow and Bill Caudill. Plus some guy named Eckersley who was a starter.
One of the greatest bullpens in history but mostly for other teams.
“Hey Shteve…ya think that Willie Hernandez guy steals cars in the offseason? Ball three to Ryno”
“Salazar pronounced backwards is Razzle-Ass”
My favorite random Caray racist-adjacent moment was something like “The Cubs are hosting the Dodgers next week, but I just checked and Hideo Nomo isn’t scheduled to pitch here, and that’s a real shame for all the wonderful Orientals in the Chicago area.”
Absolute gold.
My favorite Harry moment was while he was still calling for Bill Veeck’s White Sox. Paired with Jimmy “Fear Strikes Out” Piersall. Jimmy got on a roll about outfield positioning and the importance of reading the ball off the bat ..
After which Harry said, “For God’s sake, Jimmy, take your pill”
…Piersall was known to be on antidepressants at the time
And that will make it a 4-0 game…
Was Tidrow a knuckleballer? I’ve a very vague memory whereby he had one amazing year.
Three quarters sidearm, not quite submarine delivery.
Diggs is being used as a decoy. Great.
I think he was actually primary on that one. Allen just didn’t like it as much as his secondary read.
He was pretty damn open, and Allen looked him off.
They put Diggs into short motion and into the flat route off it. It was also Allen’s first look. In the red zone, I gotta think that’s an actual first read and not a really elaborately scripted decoy.
Figured he would throw it as Diggs’ coverage was a yard behind him in the end zone and Allen could have easily gotten it in there. Ah well, a fool and their money are soon parted. Figured Diggs would dominate tonight.
Dan Orlovsky disagrees with me, and thinks it’s an EVEN MORE elaborate decoy than I thought:
https://twitter.com/danorlovsky7/status/1343743483375456256
Dan Orlovsky’s favorite song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjPau5QYtYs
There’s a Decoy museum in Maryland. I know it’s a museum for hunting decoys, but I prefer to think that it’s a fake museum designed to draw curious museum goers to their doom
#tightenddown!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1
Lee Smith? I remember when he used to pitch for the #BFiB
Patriots defenders already look like they’re giving up
Snuffing out all those tiki torches are they?
“How long to I have to return these khakis?”
BILLS WILL NOT REPLACE US
NO ONE DENIES THIS
Tonight, the latest installment on Redshirt is an Dumbass. I’ve been complaining about a spider bite I got the other day. I don’t think its infected, but it still swollen and sore to the touch. It took me two days to realize, I HAD PILLS DESIGNED TO DEAL WITH SWELLING AND PAIN!
Hippo looks at you disapprovingly
Viagra?
I’m willing to invest 35 Loonies towards a “Redshirt: Into The Spiderverse” script treatment. Hey, let’s make this happen!
Are the loonies bloodstained? Again?
Someone didn’t read the contract. Again.
And now, Redshirt at work tomorrow.
That mask makes Belihump look like he’s holding up a train.
“Grumble grumble the only train I’m holding up in the one we’re gonna run on your mom after the game grumble grumble”
Conor McGregor is going to have a second career as an older Name who talks a shite load of smack before each fight before he gets the shit punched out of him. An Irish Jake LaMotta. Charming.
There can be only one.
Wrap up, you stupid Bills defenders. Guh!
“What’s this about wrapping up?” — P. Rivers
“Dunno, sounds stupid”
-T. Henry
“Sounds like the Bills defenders have enlisted in the War Against Christmas.” – Sean Hannity
Josh McDaniels has a “Ph.D in running game”? Ugh.
Isn’t running game design usually the responsibility of the O-line coach anyways?
Shhh… there’s Patriots fellating to be done.
I’m on the Robert Mays/Brandon Thorn train of fellating Dante Scarnecchia.
I actually do wonder if Scarnecchia’s retirement has something to do with Cam getting sacked a ton, or if it’s cuz of Cam. Marcus Cannon also opted out but I dunno what else has happened to them in terms of injuries.
“He EARNED the right to be called a doctor”
-Republicans
What was the title of his dissertation?
“A Comparative Study of MILFs of the 32 NFL Cities”
Apparently it was heavily influenced by his thesis advisor.
Nice troll, Buffalo fans!
I still remember that Shania Twain SB halftime show as a point of significant patriotic pride.
That explains my patriotic boner
That don’t impress me much.
Well, I can’t say I didn’t walk right into that.
Speaking of walking…just a great, great cover
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XikRDErgbW0&ab_channel=NodeMinderJS
Now deploy James White mercilessly you joyless golem.
This just in: Buffalo
wings areis greasy.This just in: Canadians are geesy.
Do NOT fuck with Cobra chickens, ever.
I’ve had enough of your fowl humo(u)r.
IT’S INSULATION, DAD.
THATS BAD FOR THE WAGER
[invites dog to come snuggle in bed]
THAT’S GOOD FOR THE WAGGER!
— Blaise Pascal
MOSSDOWN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Holy shit the Canadian feed is WAY in front of mine.
During negotiations we asked for a faster tv feed and you guys demanded a favorable exchange rate on the dollar. I think it was a wash, myself.
America is willing to take Doug Ford off Canada’s hands in exchange for Donald Trump.
Thats a classic dickfingers
when ever i see THAT Taiwan Jones I think of the tweet involving THIS Taiwan Jones
Wait, why is Taiwan a popular (enough) first-name (to be used twice)?
I’m assuming the parents are big fans of scallion bread
Huh?
Lots of delicious scallion bread in Taiwan, scallion pancakes too
Oh I guess. Wouldn’t really consider that Taiwanese food as compared to Chinese food though.
Sounds like it has to be an artifact of US military presence, sort of like spam and hawaii
Capitalize it.
Technically, his legal name is Republic of China Jones
He’ll name his kids Quemoy and Matsu.
I did not South China Sea that joke coming.
My life is richer for knowing about this
What are odds that Other Taiwan Jones was following Roy at old orleans?
I just submitted my MCLE transcript for my reporting period. On a related note, I hate how every Conflicts CLE is just an hour of someone explaining how you’re going to be sued because you talked to some random dickhead four years ago.
I have a tradition of doing the mandatory Substance Abuse MCLE with a nice glass of scotch.
Welcome to Dick’s Sporting Goods Mr. Jones…
Does China recognize Taiwan Jones?
Banner?
The addition of Jones to Taiwan is yet another example of ignorant American imperialism trampling over traditional internal Chinese matters.
No, but Trump just sold him a squadron of F-35s, and Xi Jinping is fucking furious.
Do those things fucking work yet?
Are they supposed to?
Well, they’re going up in the sky and occasionally falling out of the sky, and I think the Israelis have used theirs to kill some brown Muslims, so I guess yeah.
Last I read, the gun apparently still doesn’t fire straight (like, at all) and the stealth coating is shed when the plane flies at moderate combat speeds.
Well, it’s raining, so I clearly can’t go for a walk tonight.
/has not been going for walks regularly in like weeks
itd be a real shame if all this gutsy playcalling were to backfire in way of a horrific injury
Singletary and Moss-the “Wings and (Beef On) Weck Backfield”.
This game could be a schaden-kakke for Pats haters
diggs has made 1 catch. i WILL remain calm
Is Bellichik doing that thing where they double the #1 all the time? They certainly seem to be leaving backs and gunners wide open….
that was honestly a big reason why i didn’t start allen this week
I WILL NOT!!!!
Having a band called the Mama’s and the Papa’s where one of the members has sex with his own daughter is like a real-life Cum Town bit.
Just tuning in now. Finally watched Solo for the first time ever, since Lady Maestro is intent on completing our Star Wars marathon this week. So far, we’re 5/11.
Yay and/or I’m sorry, depending on your opinions of Phantom Menace and the sequel trilogy.
Clones is dogshit, and I know that Phantom Menace technically is too, but it has a special place in my heart too because I got so unbelievably fucking hyped for it back in its theatrical release. Dressed up, ended up on local news, won a wooden poster of the release artwork, the whole nine yards.
ROTS is legitimately good. The acting is a little wooden but the plot is strong and it links the events well.
That needed more Belichick reaction shot
-Subway Commercial VP
Punterfaketion!
#ballsybills!
That is gotdamn hilarious! FUCK YOU PATS!
Tasker looks like a guy about to get whacked in a Scorsese film.
He looks like he lives in Buffalo.
“Oh no!”
https://youtu.be/rDQedfGMFJA
His kid is a hell of a receiver up here in the CFL.
For Litre:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OGWhyu2c3G0&feature=youtu.be
Water balloons filled with yogurt! Brilliant all the way thru.
guys, i know I’m a little bitch the other 364 days of the year, but if my self pity gets old, be sure to tell me. I’d hate to ruin someone else’s night
Isn’t that what this site is for?
You’re a funny bastid. Most, if not all, funny bastids are really hard on themselves. Let that shit out. We’ll mop it up.
I dub thee Rocinante.
An Open Letter To Americans:
You can make your own homemade McRib sandwich with minimal skill and labor.
Get a goddamn grip.
-John Q. Americough
Singletary has those same weird, low-gravity, stab-step moves that remind me of Barry Sanders. Fuck, Bills-just give that guy the ball in space and you’ll reap the benefits.
yes. i agree with this strategy
Thanks writ large to Hippo and Scotchy for all the content at a time of year when all I’m capable of is showering once a week, making pb&js, and staring at the humidifier. Go filthy upstate vulgarians. Punish these new englander pukes.
Yes, this. This year would have been extra shitty without Hippo’s mysterious rhunic language, and Scotchy’s elegant homicidal mania! And all of you guys, present and MIA!
Agreed. This site has made many days of covid suck less. Thank you all for your hot taeks and dick jokes.
I dunno which Patriots defender had the ball between their legs, but that looked very unpleasant for him as the pile-up started.
I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Pats should have scored a TD on that drive.
If that Pats wr had been taught to catch the ball with his hands rather than his facemask, it woulda happened.
Thanks for the impending nightmare, ESPN’s graphic department.
Since they are playing the Jest next week, this is possibly the last time in my life that I’m gonna see the P*ts play on a national TV broadcast
Guessing thats true for a lot of people
No, Bullycheat gets a lifetime pass from the knobslobbers, it won’t be until he’s gone that they are no longer Children of the Night.
My son continues to surprise me-
On the dumb teenager end of things, he stayed up until 4am last night thinking he didn’t have a shift in the warehouse this morning. The reason he thunk that was because he didn’t follow up with his supervisor (that makes the sked) like I asked him to. (I knew what he was scheduled for but I’m not going to hold his hand). There was all kinds of whining and pleading when I woke him up at 6:30 and told him to get his ass in gear. And yes, I lost it on him-yapped about responsibilities, being an adult, following through, etc.
On the young adult end of things, this evening he made a point of thanking me for forcing him to go to work and told me that it won’t happen again.
That’s good parenting. How many hobos is he up to?
I still do most of the heavy lifting but his skin lamps would make Ed Gein proud.
You are winning, dad!
Diggs over 6.5 catches.
Diggs over 83.5 yards.
Josh Allen 1 rushing td.
Is this a parlay?
No, they wouldn’t let me so I put 33 CAD on each, so like 6 USD.
U gon win
can i call a lifeline?
I knew Julie was a DFO kinda gal:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CaG0dSSTj9M&feature=youtu.be
Julie Nolke is one of the better parts of 2020
[drafts #12 in first round of fantasy draft, knowing she’ll be a bust]
Belichik: well our game plan is to take 3 knees, then run out of bounds at our own end zone.
sideline reporter: why on earth would you do that?
Belichik: this will allow Buffalo to throw a pass to Stefon Diggs, which , my defense will allow, so he can get fantasy points for a lengthy touchdown reception. that one play will wipe him out. Also, our loudspeaker will be chanting “BRO-CKY’S SUCKS! BRO-CKY SUCKS!”
sideline: ….. why?
Belichik: why do leaves fall? why is the sky blue? why am i so lucky to be alive at a time when anti aging technology is so effective? I make it my business not to question the universe, and besides, a deal’s a deal.
cutaway to heaven
God: You got that right bill
camera cuts to forty chained up women who are somehow BOTH MILFs and virgins
somewhere back on earth, a lonely man cries himself to sleep
.
The Immaculate MILFs
Imagine if Brocky was fully invested in the results of his FF league.
imagine if brocky was this invested in finding a job – my dad
I have a job, it just pays like shit – me
I need like 25 points from Diggs to win money. Or I stay home with nothing
how much money we talking?
i may or may not have pondered a bribe to the other finalist to take a dive
Offer to split all the moneys for 1st and 2nd. See what your opponent is made of. Can’t hurt.
I love it when they bring college football coaches into the NFL. The schadenfreude is delicious as they all fail.
This is where they can distinguish a good coach from a coach who knows how to recruit talent with a little cash, a car, and a new house for mom & pop.
And coeds that can suck the chrome off a tailpipe.
Yes, but I am at work and refrain from stating the obvious *just in case someone is listening.