Your Monday Night NFL Football Open Thread

It’s very nearly the crunchiest of crunch times now. Can the Bills top off week 16 with a twisting of the knife into the Pats mid-section? I’m guessing pretty much everyone in the NFL-fans, assistants, owners, trainers, strength coaches, beer sellers, ushers, parking lot attendants, ticket-takers, dieticians, public relations types, technical staff, sideline referees, cheerleaders, general managers and a whole helluva lot of other folks are hoping to see it happen. I think.

Fallout:

-Well, league defenders don’t have Duane Haskins to intercept any more. As noted in Hippo’s column, he’s been kicked off the team so that he could spend more time with Desiree, Cinnamon, Destiny, Raven, Trinity, Roxie, Chardonnay, Coco and Capri and wonder, “Just how the hell did it all go wrong? Damn it!”

-Are you-like me-thinking that there should be more coaches charging up and down the sideline, screwing up their faces in agony, berating refs for inconsequential calls and tearing off headsets? Or maybe if just one dude could do all those things constantly? Well, according to rumors a certain Harbaugh is on a few interview lists.

-Speaking of trendy coaching names, Urban Meyer’s name has been bandied about and has been connected to the Lions, Falcons and Jags.

-Incredibly old elf Frank Gore has been shelved for next week having gained exactly 16,000 yards in his forty year career. It will be his third game missed in the last decade and one day (maybe next Friday?) he’ll be able to tell his grandkids that he played back in the day when you had to run uphill both ways.

-Get ready to be familiar with the name John Wolford-he’s half canine, half vehicle and all man. And also the guy that might be replacing Jared Goff next week. He’s not played a single down in the NFL-I guess I just figured out why these retread qb’s like McCoy and Daniels just keep sticking around.

TO THE GAME!

Bills/Pats:

-Buffalo has a bit of work to do-they’re 6-35 vs New England since [in Conan O’Brien Show voice] the year 2000.

-But one of those victories came this year as qb Allen got over the hump, kinda. In 5 games against the Pats he’s sporting an unsporty stat line of 57-113 (50.4%) with 3 TD’s and 6 INT’s. Contrast that to his numbers this year-a 68% completion rate and a 30-9 TD/INT ratio.

-Whomever Bills OC Daboll decides to give da ball (Singletary or Moss) they should have a smattering of success given that the Pats have given up career days to Akers and Ahmed in the last two weeks. In Buff’s earlier W they ran at a 5.9 ypc clip, had 3 TD’s and totaled 195 yards.

-Good luck to Cam tonight in his attempt to conjure something out of nothing.

-The Bills D didn’t start the year out very well which was a bit of a surprise but DC Leslie Fraser, who in his previous three years blitzed at a 23% rate, is now sending in the troops 36.6% of the time. In the last month they’ve given up 20+ points just once.

Have a ball. A coconut ball, preferably.

 

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SonOfSpam

Chase Winovich is good, but dammit is he ever the “annoying white try-hard guy that announcers knob-slob” type.

ballsofsteelandfury

I wasn’t watching but when I heard him described as having a high motor, I knew he was white.

Brocky

when ESPN Fantasy tips the win probability in my favor

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clint greasewood

Kelvin Benjamin with the TD!

SonOfSpam

Closer Lee Smith, notching saves for the Orioles and catching TDs for the Bills.

Also took the Sosa piils.

Recovery Whiskey

Smith was part of that Cubs bullpen that included Sutter, Willie Hernandez, Dick “Dirt” Tidrow and Bill Caudill. Plus some guy named Eckersley who was a starter.

One of the greatest bullpens in history but mostly for other teams.

SonOfSpam

“Hey Shteve…ya think that Willie Hernandez guy steals cars in the offseason? Ball three to Ryno”

Recovery Whiskey

“Salazar pronounced backwards is Razzle-Ass”

SonOfSpam

My favorite random Caray racist-adjacent moment was something like “The Cubs are hosting the Dodgers next week, but I just checked and Hideo Nomo isn’t scheduled to pitch here, and that’s a real shame for all the wonderful Orientals in the Chicago area.”

Absolute gold.

Recovery Whiskey

My favorite Harry moment was while he was still calling for Bill Veeck’s White Sox. Paired with Jimmy “Fear Strikes Out” Piersall. Jimmy got on a roll about outfield positioning and the importance of reading the ball off the bat ..

After which Harry said, “For God’s sake, Jimmy, take your pill”

…Piersall was known to be on antidepressants at the time

Senor Weaselo

And that will make it a 4-0 game…

Recovery Whiskey

Three quarters sidearm, not quite submarine delivery.

litre_cola

Diggs is being used as a decoy. Great.

hippofant

I think he was actually primary on that one. Allen just didn’t like it as much as his secondary read.

litre_cola

He was pretty damn open, and Allen looked him off.

hippofant

They put Diggs into short motion and into the flat route off it. It was also Allen’s first look. In the red zone, I gotta think that’s an actual first read and not a really elaborately scripted decoy.

litre_cola

Figured he would throw it as Diggs’ coverage was a yard behind him in the end zone and Allen could have easily gotten it in there. Ah well, a fool and their money are soon parted. Figured Diggs would dominate tonight.

hippofant

Dan Orlovsky disagrees with me, and thinks it’s an EVEN MORE elaborate decoy than I thought:

https://twitter.com/danorlovsky7/status/1343743483375456256

SonOfSpam

Dan Orlovsky’s favorite song:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AjPau5QYtYs

Doktor Zymm

There’s a Decoy museum in Maryland. I know it’s a museum for hunting decoys, but I prefer to think that it’s a fake museum designed to draw curious museum goers to their doom

Mr. Ayo

Lee Smith? I remember when he used to pitch for the #BFiB

Recovery Whiskey

Patriots defenders already look like they’re giving up

SonOfSpam

“How long to I have to return these khakis?”

Recovery Whiskey

BILLS WILL NOT REPLACE US

Dunstan

NO ONE DENIES THIS

Redshirt

Tonight, the latest installment on Redshirt is an Dumbass. I’ve been complaining about a spider bite I got the other day. I don’t think its infected, but it still swollen and sore to the touch. It took me two days to realize, I HAD PILLS DESIGNED TO DEAL WITH SWELLING AND PAIN!

ballsofsteelandfury

Hippo looks at you disapprovingly

SonOfSpam

Viagra?

SonOfSpam

Are the loonies bloodstained? Again?

Senor Weaselo

And now, Redshirt at work tomorrow.
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Fronkenshteen

That mask makes Belihump look like he’s holding up a train.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Grumble grumble the only train I’m holding up in the one we’re gonna run on your mom after the game grumble grumble”

Fronkenshteen

Conor McGregor is going to have a second career as an older Name who talks a shite load of smack before each fight before he gets the shit punched out of him. An Irish Jake LaMotta. Charming.

Viva La Tabula Raza

There can be only one.comment image

Dunstan

“What’s this about wrapping up?” — P. Rivers

SonOfSpam

“Dunno, sounds stupid”

-T. Henry

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

“Sounds like the Bills defenders have enlisted in the War Against Christmas.” – Sean Hannity

Dunstan

Josh McDaniels has a “Ph.D in running game”? Ugh.

hippofant

Isn’t running game design usually the responsibility of the O-line coach anyways?

Dunstan

Shhh… there’s Patriots fellating to be done.

hippofant

I’m on the Robert Mays/Brandon Thorn train of fellating Dante Scarnecchia.

hippofant

I actually do wonder if Scarnecchia’s retirement has something to do with Cam getting sacked a ton, or if it’s cuz of Cam. Marcus Cannon also opted out but I dunno what else has happened to them in terms of injuries.

SonOfSpam

“He EARNED the right to be called a doctor”

-Republicans

Doktor Zymm

What was the title of his dissertation?

Dunstan

“A Comparative Study of MILFs of the 32 NFL Cities”

Apparently it was heavily influenced by his thesis advisor.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Nice troll, Buffalo fans!

hippofant

I still remember that Shania Twain SB halftime show as a point of significant patriotic pride.

Dunstan

That explains my patriotic boner

Dunstan

Well, I can’t say I didn’t walk right into that.

Fronkenshteen

Now deploy James White mercilessly you joyless golem.

hippofant

This just in: Buffalo wings are is greasy.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

This just in: Canadians are geesy.

litre_cola

Do NOT fuck with Cobra chickens, ever.

Dunstan

I’ve had enough of your fowl humo(u)r.

hippofant

IT’S INSULATION, DAD.

Fronkenshteen

THATS BAD FOR THE WAGER

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

[invites dog to come snuggle in bed]

THAT’S GOOD FOR THE WAGGER!

Dunstan

— Blaise Pascal

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Holy shit the Canadian feed is WAY in front of mine.

Dunstan

America is willing to take Doug Ford off Canada’s hands in exchange for Donald Trump.

litre_cola

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Recovery Whiskey

Thats a classic dickfingers

Brocky

when ever i see THAT Taiwan Jones I think of the tweet involving THIS Taiwan Jones

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hippofant

Wait, why is Taiwan a popular (enough) first-name (to be used twice)?

Doktor Zymm

I’m assuming the parents are big fans of scallion bread

hippofant

Huh?

Doktor Zymm

Lots of delicious scallion bread in Taiwan, scallion pancakes too

hippofant

Oh I guess. Wouldn’t really consider that Taiwanese food as compared to Chinese food though.

Recovery Whiskey

Sounds like it has to be an artifact of US military presence, sort of like spam and hawaii

SonOfSpam

Capitalize it.

Dunstan

Technically, his legal name is Republic of China Jones

Viva La Tabula Raza

He’ll name his kids Quemoy and Matsu.

Dunstan

I did not South China Sea that joke coming.

Doktor Zymm

My life is richer for knowing about this

Viva La Tabula Raza

What are odds that Other Taiwan Jones was following Roy at old orleans?

Unsurprised

I just submitted my MCLE transcript for my reporting period. On a related note, I hate how every Conflicts CLE is just an hour of someone explaining how you’re going to be sued because you talked to some random dickhead four years ago.

Dunstan

I have a tradition of doing the mandatory Substance Abuse MCLE with a nice glass of scotch.

Fronkenshteen

Welcome to Dick’s Sporting Goods Mr. Jones…

ballsofsteelandfury

Does China recognize Taiwan Jones?

Fronkenshteen

Banner?

hippofant

The addition of Jones to Taiwan is yet another example of ignorant American imperialism trampling over traditional internal Chinese matters.

Viva La Tabula Raza

No, but Trump just sold him a squadron of F-35s, and Xi Jinping is fucking furious.

hippofant

Do those things fucking work yet?

Unsurprised

Are they supposed to?

Viva La Tabula Raza

Well, they’re going up in the sky and occasionally falling out of the sky, and I think the Israelis have used theirs to kill some brown Muslims, so I guess yeah.

hippofant

Last I read, the gun apparently still doesn’t fire straight (like, at all) and the stealth coating is shed when the plane flies at moderate combat speeds.

Dunstan

Well, it’s raining, so I clearly can’t go for a walk tonight.

/has not been going for walks regularly in like weeks

Brocky

itd be a real shame if all this gutsy playcalling were to backfire in way of a horrific injury

Recovery Whiskey

This game could be a schaden-kakke for Pats haters

Last edited 3 years ago by Recovery Whiskey
Brocky

diggs has made 1 catch. i WILL remain calm

hippofant

Is Bellichik doing that thing where they double the #1 all the time? They certainly seem to be leaving backs and gunners wide open….

Brocky

that was honestly a big reason why i didn’t start allen this week

litre_cola

I WILL NOT!!!!

Mother Puncher

Having a band called the Mama’s and the Papa’s where one of the members has sex with his own daughter is like a real-life Cum Town bit.

The Maestro

Just tuning in now. Finally watched Solo for the first time ever, since Lady Maestro is intent on completing our Star Wars marathon this week. So far, we’re 5/11.

Senor Weaselo

Yay and/or I’m sorry, depending on your opinions of Phantom Menace and the sequel trilogy.

The Maestro

Clones is dogshit, and I know that Phantom Menace technically is too, but it has a special place in my heart too because I got so unbelievably fucking hyped for it back in its theatrical release. Dressed up, ended up on local news, won a wooden poster of the release artwork, the whole nine yards.

ROTS is legitimately good. The acting is a little wooden but the plot is strong and it links the events well.

Recovery Whiskey

That needed more Belichick reaction shot

Fronkenshteen

-Subway Commercial VP

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Punterfaketion!

Recovery Whiskey

Tasker looks like a guy about to get whacked in a Scorsese film.

Gumbygirl

He looks like he lives in Buffalo.

Viva La Tabula Raza
Last edited 3 years ago by Viva La Tabula Raza
The Maestro

His kid is a hell of a receiver up here in the CFL.

litre_cola

Water balloons filled with yogurt! Brilliant all the way thru.

Brocky

guys, i know I’m a little bitch the other 364 days of the year, but if my self pity gets old, be sure to tell me. I’d hate to ruin someone else’s night

ballsofsteelandfury

Isn’t that what this site is for?

Fronkenshteen

You’re a funny bastid. Most, if not all, funny bastids are really hard on themselves. Let that shit out. We’ll mop it up.

Fronkenshteen

I dub thee Rocinante.

Fronkenshteen

An Open Letter To Americans:

You can make your own homemade McRib sandwich with minimal skill and labor.
Get a goddamn grip.

-John Q. Americough

Last edited 3 years ago by Fronkenshteen
Brocky

yes. i agree with this strategy

Fronkenshteen

Thanks writ large to Hippo and Scotchy for all the content at a time of year when all I’m capable of is showering once a week, making pb&js, and staring at the humidifier. Go filthy upstate vulgarians. Punish these new englander pukes.

Gumbygirl

Yes, this. This year would have been extra shitty without Hippo’s mysterious rhunic language, and Scotchy’s elegant homicidal mania! And all of you guys, present and MIA!

Recovery Whiskey

Agreed. This site has made many days of covid suck less. Thank you all for your hot taeks and dick jokes.

hippofant

I dunno which Patriots defender had the ball between their legs, but that looked very unpleasant for him as the pile-up started.

ballsofsteelandfury

I can’t believe I’m saying this, but the Pats should have scored a TD on that drive.

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

Thanks for the impending nightmare, ESPN’s graphic department.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Since they are playing the Jest next week, this is possibly the last time in my life that I’m gonna see the P*ts play on a national TV broadcast

Recovery Whiskey

Guessing thats true for a lot of people

Gumbygirl

No, Bullycheat gets a lifetime pass from the knobslobbers, it won’t be until he’s gone that they are no longer Children of the Night.

ballsofsteelandfury

That’s good parenting. How many hobos is he up to?

Gumbygirl

You are winning, dad!

litre_cola

Diggs over 6.5 catches.
Diggs over 83.5 yards.
Josh Allen 1 rushing td.

litre_cola

No, they wouldn’t let me so I put 33 CAD on each, so like 6 USD.

Fronkenshteen

U gon win

Brocky

can i call a lifeline?

ballsofsteelandfury
Recovery Whiskey

Julie Nolke is one of the better parts of 2020

Rikki-Tikki-Deadly

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Brocky

Belichik: well our game plan is to take 3 knees, then run out of bounds at our own end zone.

sideline reporter: why on earth would you do that?

Belichik: this will allow Buffalo to throw a pass to Stefon Diggs, which , my defense will allow, so he can get fantasy points for a lengthy touchdown reception. that one play will wipe him out. Also, our loudspeaker will be chanting “BRO-CKY’S SUCKS! BRO-CKY SUCKS!”

sideline: ….. why?

Belichik: why do leaves fall? why is the sky blue? why am i so lucky to be alive at a time when anti aging technology is so effective? I make it my business not to question the universe, and besides, a deal’s a deal.

cutaway to heaven

God: You got that right bill

camera cuts to forty chained up women who are somehow BOTH MILFs and virgins

somewhere back on earth, a lonely man cries himself to sleep

.

ballsofsteelandfury

The Immaculate MILFs

Brocky

imagine if brocky was this invested in finding a job – my dad

I have a job, it just pays like shit – me

Game Time Decision

I need like 25 points from Diggs to win money. Or I stay home with nothing

Brocky

how much money we talking?

i may or may not have pondered a bribe to the other finalist to take a dive

ballsofsteelandfury

I love it when they bring college football coaches into the NFL. The schadenfreude is delicious as they all fail.

TheRevanchist

This is where they can distinguish a good coach from a coach who knows how to recruit talent with a little cash, a car, and a new house for mom & pop.

ballsofsteelandfury

And coeds that can suck the chrome off a tailpipe.

TheRevanchist

Yes, but I am at work and refrain from stating the obvious *just in case someone is listening.

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