Welcome to the first Eventual Balls Thoughts of the New Year!

As a reminder, this post will cover comments made up to and through the Saturday Night Open Thread. Sunday comments stand alone and Monday comments will go on the next week’s post.

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DFO Comments O’ The Week!

And you beat your wife to do it!

Horatio

Mrs. Sharkbait regrets her role in the incident.

Sharkbait

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And Haskins is gone. ‘Dacteds released him.

Senor Weaselo

DC area strip bars have announced that they will pause lap dances for 2 songs tonight, in a tribute to Haskins’s accomplishments during his time with Football Team.

Horatio

All patrons will be at half mast

Sharkbait

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It’s raining here, and so the old nursery rhyme popped into my head:

“It’s raining, it’s pouring, the old man is snoring…“

Well, yes, I suppose there’s a connection there. I often want to nap when it’s raining.

“He bumped his head and went to bed, and couldn’t get up in the morning.“

WTF? Grandpa’s got a concussion and may be in a coma! Stop singing and call an ambulance!

Nursery rhymes are fucking dark, man.

Dunstan

Boy howdy

Mary had a little lamb

Its fleece was white as snow

And everywhere that Mary went

The lamb was sure to go

Mary found a nice young man

Whom she was asked to wed

But lamb was jealous of the guy

And shot him in the head

SonOfSpam

Jack and Jill

Went up the hill

To fetch a pail of water

Jack fell down

And broke his crown,

And Jill just laughed and laughed.

Later that night she hooked up with Jack’s older brother, who drives a Camaro.

RTD

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My son continues to surprise me-

On the dumb teenager end of things, he stayed up until 4am last night thinking he didn’t have a shift in the warehouse this morning. The reason he thunk that was because he didn’t follow up with his supervisor (that makes the sked) like I asked him to. (I knew what he was scheduled for but I’m not going to hold his hand). There was all kinds of whining and pleading when I woke him up at 6:30 and told him to get his ass in gear. And yes, I lost it on him-yapped about responsibilities, being an adult, following through, etc.

On the young adult end of things, this evening he made a point of thanking me for forcing him to go to work and told me that it won’t happen again.

scotchnaut

That’s good parenting. How many hobos is he up to?

Balls

I still do most of the heavy lifting but his skin lamps would make Ed Gein proud.

scotchnaut

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And the points rang down 38 damn times

And Josh Allen said,

“Pats, it’s been good to know ya!”

-The Ballad of Fuck You, New England

scotchnaut

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Now that fantasy is over, what the hell am I supposed to do? Root for my team? I’m kind of at a loss here.

TheRevanchist

There’s always Gambling…and pills.

*Ignites the Hippo signal

Sharkbait

I wish there was a painkiller scandal involving Buffalo so we could refer to them as the Buffalo Pills.

RTD

Better yet, a painkiller AND weed scandal so we could call them the Puffalo Pills.

Fronkenshteen

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“40, Chicago” is also the header on this guy’s Ashley Madison profile.

RTD

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I disagree that you’re less interesting than Flacco. I enjoy your writing and I think you’re pretty funny. Your appearances in Eventual Balls Thoughts should be proof of that.

Like sex, the more you write, the better you get at it and the easier it becomes. Keep up the good work!

Balls

[raises hand] “I volunteer to have sex with GTD so that his writing gets better! Hold up….”

scotchnaut

[places self on “inactive” roster] – Game Time Decision

RTD

Also like sex, the more you write, the more you don’t care how little it does for others so long as you’re maximizing your enjoyment.

blaxabbath

Also like sex, the more I write, the more my wrist gets sore.

Dunstan

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I wouldn’t wish Adam Gase on my worst…

Hmm. No, actually, Gase to the Pats would be fine. Carry on.

Dunstan

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This has got to be a tough night to try to stay in your heel persona.

“It’s never been difficult for me.” – Rex Ryan

RTD

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Me: “I’d like one, but without sauerkraut.”

Foodie: “Well, that’s not a real Krakow Taco then.”

scotchnaut

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Really shocked that something called the Armed Forces Bowl included a pointless fight with no clear winner.

Horatio

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Let’s see, US Army gets out to a big lead then squanders it, let’s search the archives…

Hmm, only 1 result found.

herodotus450

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Its appropriate that the next year is going to be ’21, because after the year we’ve all had, we’re gonna need a drink.

Redshirt

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found a funny:

why be popular when you can be reluctantly tolerated

rockingdog

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If I were in 2nd place in the biathlon I would simply shoot the guy in 1st place.

Horatio

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I would buy that just for the can.

And now I’ve filled out Balls’s Tindr profile.

Horatio

The can is lovely in real life.

(the “post meeting” comment from Balls)

SonOfSpam

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In that spirit, please see below the New Year’s wishes I have for a selected group of you:

Me: uh huh, thats nice, lets see what my old friend said for me…..

scrolling

scrolling

scrolling

scrolling

………….still scrolling

huh.

I’m joking of course. pulling two dozen names off the top of your head is a pain. its been a long year. I’m ready for it to be over

Brocky

Brocky, if it’ll make you feel better, at my bachelor party I was talking to a college friend as the night was winding down. As we’re getting ready to leave I say something to the effect of “I’ll see you next week at the wedding” and he says “No, we weren’t invited”

He and his wife are two of our favoUrite people and in all the wedding crap my wife and I had assumed that the other had invited them and just…fucked it up.

That was more than 25 years ago and, while they’re still dear friend, I feel terrible about it.

I guess what I’m saying is that you should prepare to nurse this grudge against Balls for the rest of your life. And also don’t get married; the preparation is just a huge pain in the ass.

Horatio

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Dates are great! They do have a lot of sugar though. And the pits are annoying sometimes. And they’re kinda sticky.

herodotus450

You’ve had a good date if its sticky at the end

Sharkbait

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Is anyone here actively trying to date? I’m not likely to start trying, but I’m always curious about the state of the dating apps.

Dunstan

I would, but my wife is being a real pain in the ass about it.

Horatio

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To my invisible internet friends:

Thank you for your friendship and support. This group has been a bright spot in a shit year. I am so happy that I decided to get more involved.

Except for BGR. You owe me a pair of underwear.

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y’all back in 2020 are missing out. 6 mins into 2021 and Covids gone, Trumps already in prison and WE ALL HAVE JETPACKS NOW!!

Duchess

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UC Governors: “The votes are split right down the middle between Bears and Cats. We truly are at loggerheads as to what we should call our sports teams.”

Small Child: “Why not both?”

UC Governors: “You son of a bitch…”

scotchnaut

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THAT PLAY, I CALL IT A SCISSOR-LIFT, BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN NOTRE DAME HAS BEEN HURT BY A KID FALLING OUT OF THE SKY!!!

Horatio

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I follow this account for just such brutality:

UConn: It’s Coming
@NoEscalators

The two saddest moments in a Notre Dame student’s life are when they open an admissions decision from an Ivy League school and when ND plays in a meaningful college football game

Horatio

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I would like to note that UConn is undefeated against Notre Dame football.

Horatio

So is the wind

Unsurprised

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Fitting this game is in Arlington, since Notre Dame’s post-season record for the last 20 years is a lot like the Dallas Cowboys

Recovery Whiskey

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I didn’t spot any this year, but usually news sites run an article just before New Year’s on hangover cures, and I swear every single one follows the same formula:

1) Cutesy little intro about how one might find oneself having “overindulged” on NYE and suffering from a hangover, as if this is some strange new experience for people.

2) Quick rundown of various folk remedies

3) Obligatory quotes from one or more medical authorities on “what actually causes a hangover”

4) In light of (3), admonitions to drink plenty of water, get sleep, etc. Perhaps some vitamins might help. “Hair of the dog” is usually treated dismissively as something for degenerates.

5) Smarmy conclusion about how “the best hangover cure is prevention — don’t overdo it!” Because we’re such a fucking prudish culture that even on the one night a year where we admit people get drunk, we have to pretend it’s some fucking accident.

This post is much better.

Dunstan

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Fine work from DFO’s classiest (but pantsless obvs) drinker!

King Hippo

“DFO’s classiest”

Talk about damning with faint praise….

Dunstan

It’s like when a biker gang elects a treasurer.

King Hippo

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THIS GUY DABO SWINNEY I CALL HIM ROBERT GRIFFIN III CAUSE FIELDS IS WRECKING HIM.

RTD

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That was a thing of beauty. Who needs ribs?

Gumbygirl

Um, me.

— A. Reid.

Mr. Ayo

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So, the one take-away from these games is that Notre Dame had no fucking business being in the playoffs?

LemonJello

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Have a wonderful week, everyone! Thanks for the funny and stay safe!

ONE MORE THING!

Do not forget to join the DFO Playoff Pickem Pool for one more chance to win a fabulous gently-used Fleshlight! Link is below:

https://fantasy.espn.com/games/nfl-pigskin-playoff-pickem-2020/group?id=f11fd5a7-b0ab-496e-a3f1-db5cbd0d0b97&joining=true