Hello, friends, just a few random thoughts from yours truly.  Yes, I have been dead more than 10 days. But I was a rich old white man in America, so my every opinion, musing and whim will continue to be centrally important until the heat death of the Universe.

Also, my head may be cryogenically frozen somewhere in Arizona.

Everybody talks about Andy Reid’s mustache and weight, but his luxuriant backhair is the real MVP…

COVID is not a plot by the Chinese government to disrupt Western economies.  The Run Pass Option is.

I liked the emphasis Buffalo put on the passing game this year. Sometimes inspiration comes suddenly, sometimes it takes 40 years to sink in.

Adam Gase: what a fucking muppet.

The Houston Texans made a brave move in firing Bill O’Brien.  I’m just not sure he was the one to get them over the top.

I never got used to calling the Chargers “Los Angeles” and now I guess I never will.

The Browns deserved their win over Pittsburgh.  It makes you wonder why they haven’t been able to win without a functional coaching staff in the prior 21 seasons.

Tom Brady has never humped my leg, and I am beginning to take that personally.

Roger Goodell may be a national disgrace, but he’s my kind of national disgrace.

Maybe Phillip Rivers can’t throw downfield any more, but his guacamole game remains fierce.

Canned pears are neither canned, nor pears.  Discuss.

Has anyone else noticed that attendance is down across the league? The NFL better get that kneeling crap under control before they lose their audience.

Let me tell you, Dade County Jail isn’t my first choice of accommodations, but you won’t find a better bowl of oatmeal east of the Mississippi.

I’m glad they got rid of pass-interference replay.

People make fun of Dan Campbell and his kneecap-biting fixation, but in many cultures the kneecap is the most prized part of the meal.

This Mahomes kid could go far if he keeps his nose clean and focuses on football.

Who the fuck blabbed about the Space Laser?

Minorities in head coaching positions have increased 33% from when the Rooney Rule was implemented in 2003 to today. What a country!

Don’t look now, but I think that lamp may have a camera in it.

The Rams uniforms remain the worst in the league.  Do something, Congress!

People kept mistaking me for Paul Harvey.  That hack wasn’t fit to carry my jockstrap.

I’m all for equal opportunity, but I really don’t know if Trevor Lawrence is the right person to break the NFL’s gender barrier.

Tony Romo is the future of NFL color commentary, unless we stop him now.

I miss the double wishbone.  Wait, is that the football formation or the automobile suspension?

Baker Mayfield made real strides this year.  It turns out all he needed to succeed was a global pandemic and an offense that didn’t require him to do anything other than hand the ball off.

The USA is truly the land of opportunity.  Matt Stafford’s wife had part of her brain removed, and already people are talking about her in the same breath as national leaders like Marjorie Taylor Greene and Tommy Tuberville.

Has anyone seen my green hat?

Drew Lock is the future in Denver.  He’s got Leadership Potential written all over him.

Has anyone checked on Russell Wilson lately?

Jason Pierre-Paul only has three fingers on one hand.  Not many people know that.

If there’s a better Dorito than cool ranch, I don’t want to know about it.

Death is but a door. Time is but a window. I’ll be back.

I AM FUCKING INSANE.