Your “Let’s Tie A Bow on 2020” Superb Owl Open Thread

Let’s wipe the slate clean the way Andy Reid uses lettuce as a napkin to wipe his mouth during a meal and then eats said napkin/lettuce afterwards. Look, it’s a form of recycling and he’s trying his best.

Well, all of our pleading, begging, crying, complaining, caterwauling, gnashing and swearing has come down to this-the likeable dude vs. the mangy old faux-vitamin seller. Damn, by the time we get to the second half it’ll be past Brady’s bedtime! But anyway, you dropped by here to interact with the lovely folks that inhabit the site, make dick jokes and say goodbye to another footed ball season so I’ll just throw some giblets out there (Petey King calls them nuggets and nuggets are gross) and we’ll be on our way.

TO THE (LAST) GAME!

Chiefs/Bucs:

-Shoutout to K.C.’s DC who goes by the name of “Spags”. He was the one who devised the Giants extraordinary upset of the undefeated ’07 Pats (remember, Tabula?) with heavy pressure from the defensive line. This time around he doesn’t have talent there but he does have some in the secondary. So he’s come up with a dime package that uses 6(!) db’s. He runs that D 44% of the time as opposed to the league average of 10%. Wherever the playmakers are, he plays to their strengths and finds a way to be effective. Much respect to that fella.

-Bucs dl Vita Vea was one of only two interior lineman that had a 20%+ pass rush success rate before he went down with an injury. This matters because…

-After losing Eric Fisher in the AFC Title Game, the Chiefs now only have one offensive lineman that they started week 1 with. (center Austin Reiter)

-Cb Carlton Davis had a nightmare last evening. It involved re-living his week 12 debacle vs. Tyreek Hill when he gave up 203 yards receiving in a little over 15 minutes. Since Mahomes became the starter Hill has 19 TD’s on passes thrown over 20 yards-that’s 6 more than the next guy.

-A difference maker goes by the name of Honey Badger-during the win over the Browns he allowed -5 yards receiving and an interception on 6 targets.

-The Bucs D has allowed the least number of rushing TD’s in the entire league at a measly 12. Dalvin Cook was the only dude that ran for over 100 yards against them and he barely accomplished it at 102.

-In all of Patty’s playoff games he has 21 TD’s combined and only 2 INT’s. Tom Brady sucks dog’s balls on a regular basis.

Scritch that itch in the comments.

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Don T

KC running the Tailhook dime defense

Spur

Gronk happily ran that Gauntlet 

Sharkbait

BLEERGH is pleased

blaxabbath

“Brady cannot take a sack.”

You don’t know how right you are, Tony.

blaxabbath

Fun DFO Fact: Mike Evans rejected all calls for comment regarding his play in college and how he got Manziel into the NFL for Serial.

Fronkenshteen

Welp. The outcome is clear. Good night, all.

Spur

But the commercials

Horatio Cornblower

Tony, there aren’t many balls that are catchable when the defender kicks your legs out from under you.

That’s like trying to determine how many alcoholic drinks you can safely have while taking prescription medication and not get in your car and cause a collision that leaves a 5-year-old with life-threatening injuries, and Britt Reid can tell you just how hard that it.

Last edited 3 years ago by Horatio Cornblower
Brocky

good hustle on these man. gonna need a compilation

Recovery Whiskey

Rerun this play any time they accuse soccer of being full of flop artists and divers, not like American football

Viva La Tabula Raza

Or the NBA.

Gatoraids

National Liver Transplant Institute buying a halftime commercial slot

SonOfSpam

Surprising! A bullshit call in TB12’s favor!

Gatoraids

Soccer quality dlop

Spur

correct flag. but no way Evans would catch that

Senor Weaselo

AND OF FUCKING COURSE.

Mr. Ayo

BLEEERGH!!!!

herodotus450

Pretty sure we weren’t doubting whether we could get to the super bowl, but more like should we get to a super bowl, Jeeeeem.

Senor Weaselo

Andy Reid’s clock management skills?

nomonkeyfun

Better than his parenting skills.

Brocky

on par with his parenting skills!

Dunstan

I would not have taken timeout there

Viva La Tabula Raza

Damn, Nantz, make sure you powder Goodell’s balls while you’re down there.

Gatoraids

Wilson looks like he’s being held hostage

Game Time Decision

Be better NOT to win the award if it means not sitting with Rog

Senor Weaselo

BOOOOO THAT MAN BOOOOOOOOOOO

Recovery Whiskey

Charmslinger!

Brick Meathook

I bet Gwen Stefani is a lousy lay.

SonOfSpam

She’s okay.

Brick Meathook

You can have sex with her as long as you don’t mess up her hair or makeup or otherwise touch her in any way.

blaxabbath

You’re probably right but I’d better check it out anyways….

Viva La Tabula Raza

Bet there’s a bunch of cobwebs up in there.

Dunstan

I’d be willing to take the bullet and go on the fact-finding mission for DFO

BrettFavresColonoscopy

No such thing.

Brocky

she’s just attractive enough to acknowledge as being good looking, but tries too hard to market her sex appeal

Recovery Whiskey

That doesnt match my fantasy view

Game Time Decision

Yes I want a soap named after a giant humanoid

blaxabbath

I’m the type of man who immediately rejects whatever values some advertising whore tells me belong to a man.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Am I supposed to know who the Jimmy John’s gangster is? I feel like I should.

Senor Weaselo

Brad Garrett?

Brocky

thats his name i was trying to remember what obscure role to announce him as

SonOfSpam

Apparently not quite everybody loves Raymond.

SonOfSpam

Jimmy John hunts elephants. Fuck that whole company forever.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Bill Quizno doesn’t!

Doktor Zymm

I’m still on my first beer, I’m not doing this right

Brocky

i mean, is it a tallboy?

Game Time Decision

I’m on 1 too but it was 11% and a pint

BrettFavresColonoscopy

I’ve gone from 7.1 to 10.5%. What’s next?

Game Time Decision

If the math holds then 14.9

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Didn’t the breakfast wine make up for it?

Gatoraids

Because you switched to grain alcohol after the first quarter

yeah right

I’m going pinot grigio for the someone half.

Brocky

this fucking guy

BrettFavresColonoscopy

Fuck you, Sharky’s friend JM

SonOfSpam

stands for Jizz Master

Don T

Incidentally, I’m high and good as well

Old School Zero

maaaaaaaan

Recovery Whiskey

Mahomes didn’t get it done

SonOfSpam

So…mounting Kelce while the ball is in the air is legal?

Brocky

it is when you’re playing against Brady

Doktor Zymm

Well yeah, haven’t you heard of a sex swing?

Dunstan

I think I saw a “film” called Mounting Kelsey

Horatio Cornblower

“They have people all around Tyreek Hill”

‘Actually that’s Child Protective Services, Tony”

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder if Jason Alexander experienced shrinkage in the washing machine.

Game Time Decision

The water was cold

Viva La Tabula Raza

Should have used All-Tempa-Cheer.

WCS

This detergent IS MAKING ME CLEAN

Brocky

breaks beer stein

Brick Meathook

Gosh that commercial was so funny!

I wonder what it was for.

Doktor Zymm

Human lampshades

Viva La Tabula Raza

Cholera, typhoid, and measles blankets.

Old School Zero

marketing as we know it should be banned forever

Fronkenshteen

Wow! Andy Reid just fucked up. How can you run the clock out down 14-3? Fuck that was bullshit.

Senor Weaselo

They get the ball back, so I guess going for the TD-half-score combo.

Horatio Cornblower

He’s well known as being poor at in-game clock management, and at raising children.

Brocky

“When life gives you lemons, don’t make lemonade. Make life take the lemons back! Get mad! I don’t want your damn lemons, what the hell am I supposed to do with these? Demand to see life’s manager! Make life rue the day it thought it could give Cave Johnson lemons! Do you know who I am? I’m the man who’s gonna burn your house down! With the lemons! I’m gonna get my engineers to invent a combustible lemon that burns your house down!”

— Cave Johnson, founder and CEO of Aperture Science, in Portal 2

Don T

Ether sounds GREAT.

Recovery Whiskey

I’m making a note here huge success

blaxabbath

Everything TB is doing here is because of this coaching staff. That the Cardinals chose to dump BA rather than giving him more control over the personnel, which is what he wanted when asked how he would turn the team around, in favor of a drunk bastard GM who promptly drove the team to the top overall pick upon hiring a new coach shows why Mike Bidwill is a completely inept owner.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

THAT’S your Tucson!

Horatio Cornblower

Hmmmm, bitterness.

WCS

“She said ‘crack'”

I have my favorite commercial.

Brocky

agreed. simple and great

Viva La Tabula Raza

I wonder if that was actually Mike Judge or an imitator.

Brocky

I’m sure it was Mike, but I’m willing to bet it was recycled from the show

Horatio Cornblower

“Me too!”

-Mike Lindell

Doktor Zymm

Unless you are allergic to citrus, in which case if life givess you lemons, swell up and die

Mr. Ayo

I wonder if she’ll grow up to shoot and kill her spouse through a closed door? (On accident of course)

Fronkenshteen

Amy Schumer smells.

Old School Zero

Amy Schumer for Mayonnaise, well that’s just–/strokes out trying to choose from the infinite amounts of quips to make

blaxabbath

Amy Schumer is not only a mayonnaise promoter, she’s also an addict.

Viva La Tabula Raza

Ewww, gross.
—Magary

Horatio Cornblower

Holy shit.

Mr. Ayo

That commercial was very bad for my brand.

Doktor Zymm

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rockingdog

GORNKKKKKK

is ROCKING!!!!!!

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Last edited 3 years ago by rockingdog
Viva La Tabula Raza

Amputee girl could really be fast if she had electric motors with propellers fitted to her stumps.
/Joins Horatio in Hell.

Recovery Whiskey

Amputee girl is pretty f’in good

https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jessica_Long

Horatio Cornblower

I’d love to see her times, just so I could feel even worse about myself.

Horatio Cornblower

“Honey, we’re getting a daughter AND a handicapped parking sticker!”

/Just goes straight to Hell.

Old School Zero

fucking lawyers

Horatio Cornblower

There’s a woman with a very similar story, (adopted out of some Russian hell-hole, amputee or spinal issues), who is or until recently was the female wheelchair athlete at marathons. Initially I thought that was who was in that commercial, but I don’t recall her swimming.

HBO did a thing on her and her sister that was really interesting.

SonOfSpam

Luckily, she grew up without encountering Britt Reid.

Horatio Cornblower

How do you think she got the spinal injury?

Brocky

this better not be an anti abortion commercial

BrettFavresColonoscopy

With Amy Schumer? Gtfo

Brocky

nah, pro life groups like to find “inspirational stories” where the parents have these highly questionable stories about “almost” getting abortions, then deciding against it, then years later they “tell their story”

Fronkenshteen

The decision to create the illusion of a stadium filled with fans, instead of honoring the dead from COVID-19, SHOULD haunt the NFL. But it won’t.

BrettFavresColonoscopy

This new Jaws sequel seems weird

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