In lieu of typing up something banal, I thought I would use tonight & tomorrow to preview the Stanley Cup playoffs’ first round matchups. (Please ignore the fact that the Canucks & Flames are playing out the string.) Normally I save these for during the week, but thought the weekend might bring a better audience. Also – I was bored at school & surfing while watching them write tests was unproductive.
So I put my attention into something more beneficial to me – hockey talk!
MASSMUTUAL EAST DIVISION
Pittsburgh Penguins (1) vs. New York Islanders (4)
- Sunday, May 16, Noon.: Islanders at Penguins | NBC, SN, TVAS
- Tuesday, May 18, 7:30 p.m.: Islanders at Penguins | NBCSN, SN, CBC, TVAS
- Thursday, May 20, 7 p.m.: Penguins at Islanders | NBCSN, SN360, TVAS
- Saturday, May 22, 3 p.m.: Penguins at Islanders | NBC, SN, TVAS
- *Monday, May 24, TBD: Islanders at Penguins | TBD
- *Wednesday, May 26, TBD: Penguins at Islanders | TBD
- *Friday, May 28, TBD: Islanders at Penguins | TBD
High-powered offence versus stifling defence. WHO YA GOT?! It’s the Penguins last real shot at the Cup with their current lineup. The Islanders seem content being not as sucky as the Rangers. Given their team history of goalies getting the yips in the playoffs, all will depend on Tristan Jarry in net for the Pens. If he stays sharp then it’s a quick series. If they have to yank him and go with either recently-injured (LBI) Casey DeSmith or only-one-start-in-three-years Maxime Legace, then the Islanders have a good chance.
Prediction: Penguins in five.
——————————————————
Washington Capitals (2) vs. Boston Bruins (3)
- Saturday, May 15, 7:15 p.m.: Bruins at Capitals | NBC, SN, CBC, TVAS
- Monday, May 17, 7:30 p.m.: Bruins at Capitals | NBCSN, SN, CBC, TVAS
- Wednesday, May 19, 6:30 p.m.: Capitals at Bruins | NBCSN, SNE, SNO, SNP, SN360, TVAS
- Friday, May 21, 6:30 p.m.: Capitals at Bruins | NBCSN, SNE, SNO, SNP, SN360, TVAS
- *Sunday, May 23, TBD: Bruins at Capitals | TBD
- *Tuesday, May 25, TBD: Capitals at Bruins | TBD
Defector made the strong, valid case that this series should be the best of the first round, and it’s kind of hard to argue that point. You’ve got the Marchand vs Wilson angle, combined with the firepower of Boston’s Perfection Line and Ovechkin + linemates. Even the diehard Bruins fan in me has to see that this will be a high-scoring, hard-hitting affair that will be decided by 1-2 lucky bounces that give a team the edge it needs to take the series.
Prediction: Bruins in six
——————————————————
DISCOVER CENTRAL DIVISION
Carolina Hurricanes (1) vs. Nashvillle Predators (4)
- Monday, May 17, 8 p.m.: Predators at Hurricanes | CNBC, SNE, TVAS
- Wednesday, May 19, 8 p.m.: Predators at Hurricanes | CNBC, FX-CA, TVAS
- Friday, May 21, 7 p.m.: Hurricanes at Predators | USA, FXX-CA, TVAS
- Sunday, May 23, TBD: Hurricanes at Predators | TBD
- *Tuesday, May 25, TBD: Predators at Hurricanes | TBD
- *Thursday, May 27, TBD: Hurricanes at Predators | TBD
- *Saturday, May 29, TBD: Predators at Hurricanes | TBD
I would care more about this series if it were the Hamilton Bulldogs versus the Hartford Whalers, but the last five years have proved we don’t deserve anything nice. I’ve been to a game in Nashville, and it was a good time.
Prediction: Nashville in six, because fuck the Hurricanes.
——————————————————
Florida Panthers (2) vs. Tampa Bay Lightning (3)
- Sunday, May 16, 7:30 p.m.: Lightning at Panthers | NBCSN, SN, TVAS
- Tuesday, May 18, 8 p.m.: Lightning at Panthers | CNBC, SNE, TVAS
- Thursday, May 20, 6:30 p.m.: Panthers at Lightning | USA, FX-CA, TVAS
- Saturday, May 22, 12:30 p.m.: Panthers at Lightning | CNBC, SN, TVAS
- *Monday, May 24, TBD: Lightning at Panthers | TBD
- *Wednesday, May 26, TBD: Panthers at Lightning | TBD
- *Friday, May 28, TBD: Lightning at Panthers | TBD
Somehow, the future Quebec Loup Garou were able to string together a consistent season and find a positive result our of all that promise they’ve been preaching the last five years. I couldn’t name you one of their starters outside of goalie, but having Sergei Bobrovsky solves a lot of problems. Meanwhile, Tampa has suffered a few injuries along their path to defending their 2020 title. But they still have their core guys available, plus a healthy Steven Stamkos up front & Andrei Vasilevskiy guarding the cage. With Nikita Kucherov returning from being out the whole regular season, it looks like they’ve got the band back together in time to win 16.
Prediction: Tampa in five.
——————————————————
Tonight’s sports:
- NHL:
- Bruins at Capitals – 7:15 p.m. | NBC, SN, CBC, TVAS
- NBA:
- Miami vs Milwaukee – 8:00pm | TSN3
- MLB:
- Philadelphia at Toronto – 7:30pm | Sportsnet1
- St. Louis at San Diego – 8:30pm | FS1
- Futbol:
- Atlanta vs. CF Montreal – 7:00pm | TSN4
- Fisticuffs:
- UFC 262: Oliveira vs. Chandler
- Prelims – 8:00pm | ESPN / TSN5
- UFC 262: Oliveira vs. Chandler
It’s pretty thin, but should be pretty good. Keep it between the ditches, people.
Ok. Whether or not i retire, the sky here is fucking phenomenal
Oh joy, skunk aroma has wafted its way through my open windows and stunk up my apartment
Actual skunk or skunkweed?
I swear it happens about once a week that I sniff the air and go “is there a skunk outside?” and the realize that it’s 4:20
Actual skunk, there are a lot of them around here. They’re actually pretty cute, but they sure can stink up the place
Apparently the actual spray (as in, if you’re ten feet away) is way, way worse.
Oh man, being in Joshua Tree, grilling and drinking….can i just retire?
Let me get a look at your portfolio and I’ll get back to you.
I was ready to retire when I was 30. I haven’t quite decided what my magic number of assets is to ensure early retirement but it can’t happen soon enough.
Ditto, and I was still in grad school when I was 30
The hard ass truth if you’re a working stiff like me is 67.
That’s the goddamn number.
40+ years now I’ve been paying into it.
There was the incredible study I read about the number of people who get cancer. Right when they qualify for Medicare.
Just to reduce the financial pain.
How long have they been sick while waiting for benefits?
Our healthcare sucks.
I know I’m going to have a medical event.
I understand that.
It’s inevitable.
I would rather live in a country that doesn’t take your 40+ years of labor and every other cent you’ve earned to treat you for that.
I’m hoping to live in a country where I can have that same exact affliction but it doesn’t cost me everything I’ve owned.
Then I’ll come back.
Cured.
Fuck you it’s my dream.
I’m going to ground first in Portugal. The reason why I’ve never owned a restaurant is because you can’t make enough money to retire.
If I’ve made enough money to retire why shouldn’t I open a restuarant?
I’m thinking a bar like we used to have.
In the before time.
Burgers, beers, wings and the NFL Sunday Ticket!
Vikings themed of course.
Tell me that shit wouldn’t take off on the Iberian Peninsula.
Need a sous chef and sommelier?
I could use a guy who can get things.
We can team up with scotchy, who knows how to get rid of … stuff.
We need the mulch.
I really have the munchies.
Snaxx time!
Had yogurt, and now Danish gingerbread cookies. thinking about a prosciutto sandwich.
I am hammering a bag of Fritos like it stole something.
Chocolate chip cookies for me.
I like where this is going. I decided melted swiss cheese on a baguette with prosciutto and then after I am 100% having Froot Loops.
My daughter made double chocolate chocolate chip cookies earlier tonight! TO THE COOKIE JAR!!!
Dude, I’m not going to steal the thunder but the Yum box from Turkey has a fantastic snack.
Down 13-3, a Cardinals “hitter” gets hit with an off-speed pitch, with 2 outs in the 8th inning, and acts like he’s going to charge the mound, while of course not charging the mound.
Honestly, fire that whole fucking franchise into the Sun and let the rest of us move on and we won’t lose a step.
(should probably stop drinking, but will not)
I see there’s a big ass wildfire going on in the LA area. Hope all you SoCal DFO denizens are unscathed.
Fires everywhere. 10 kms from my folks cabin in the Canadian Shield.
The Canadian Shield is 8 million square kms in area; yer gonna have to be a little more specific!!! 🙂
Heh, border of Manitoba and Ontario. Due to the Rona there are OPP on the highways stopping Manitobans from going to their 2nd homes. My folks live there year round but it is dry as fuck, lake levels are low. It is a tinderbox.
There’s gonna be a lot this year most likely, and yet I’m still hearing idiots setting off fireworks just because it’s Saturday
Don’t forget gender reveals.
Decilitre’s;
Looking at sonogram. “And there’s the penis.”
“So it’s a boy.”
“Yeah”
Oh sure, but when I do a gender reveal outside of the local library branch it’s “indecent exposure” this and “assault 3rd” that.
That’s the way to do it, and maybe stop by the erotic bakery on the way home and take advantage of the excuse to pick up a penis cake with buttercream frosting.
No kidding, a friend of mine just told me about a guy he work with using Venmo to pay a stripper because he ran out of cash and “she was really cute.”
And she really liked him and was working her way through school and needed the money for books.
Suspected arsonist. Note the pants.
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”><a href=”https://twitter.com/ABC7?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>@ABC7</a> <a href=”https://twitter.com/abc7marc?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>@abc7marc</a> <a href=”https://twitter.com/KTLA?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>@KTLA</a> <a href=”https://twitter.com/NBCLA?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>@NBCLA</a> please spread this photo around. this is the arson suspect setting fires affecting <a href=”https://twitter.com/hashtag/Topanga?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>#Topanga</a> and <a href=”https://twitter.com/hashtag/PacificPalisades?src=hash&ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>#PacificPalisades</a> $20,000 reward is offered to catch him. <a href=”https://t.co/sA69nNfdK8″>pic.twitter.com/sA69nNfdK8</a></p>— Jen #E4L (@swiftjennifer) <a href=”https://twitter.com/swiftjennifer/status/1393750315984310273?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw”>May 16, 2021</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js” charset=”utf-8″></script>
Raiders. Of course.
“What’s his 40 speed?” — Ghost of Al Davis
I’m not sure he’s ever been timed, but there’s general agreement that he has “blazing speed”.
Whoever came up with there Doug & Emu ads should be fired into the Sun.
I do like the image where the guy’s Zoom image becomes an ear of corn, for some reason.
Some of those TikkyTokky filters the youts are using are kind of funny.
There’s one now that uses “The Candyman.” That fucking song should be moldering forever in an unmarked grave, but noooooo!
Goddamnit, I just realized I’ve got to do my taxes tomorrow or Monday at the latest.
SHIT.
/files extension
Back to the freezer vodka!
Dear IRS: Please excuse Dunstan from his taxes this year. He is an esteemed contributor at Door Flies Open, for which he is not compensated, and also, (I am assuming stems from Item A The First that I just cited), is far too drunk to file his tax thing on time.
Thank you.
Horatio Cornblower, Esq.
Just had a nice fiesta here. I made my usual battery of salsas and guacamoles, along with shrimp cocktail, cochinita pibil, and my first ever cheesecake.
Only two problems: my tortilla dough didn’t cooperate (so I went with the storebought backup plan), and my friends all went home early to their kids, so you’re stuck with a half-drunk me.
How are the leftovers? I’ll call an Uber.
I know this is a joke response but I’m vaccinated, I’m open for business. Any DFOers want to get together, I’m game whether I cater or not.
We’re like vampires, once you invite us in you can’t get rid of us until we’ve sucked up all the contents of your fridge
2022
Ok, well, start with this cheesecake while I rustle up some garlic.
I’ll host.
That’s the goddamn honest truth.
San Pedro is a shlep but I would absolutely do it!
Oh look, a jury summons. That’s cool. I’ve done a couple of stints on jury duty right over the bridge in Long Beach. Including a murder 1 case when I was the foreman.
Let’s see, June 6th. That’s doable.
Now let’s double check…
Compton? Compton?!? You’re sending my pasty complexioned ass to Compton?
It’s cool. I’ve done jury service in Compton before but Long Beach is right over the bridge man!
For the record the murder 1 case was guilty. Life in prison with no parole.
That’ll play in Compton.
Murder was the case that they gave you?
In the LBC?
Spent 6 weeks on that motherfucker. I was laid back and casual but I filled 6 notebooks with notes. I was elected foreman immediately even the judge was surprised.
Yeah.
Sequestered in a hotel?
/am naive with your system
If that summons isn’t delivered by certified mail, it’s in the trash.
No repercussions yet.
I’ve only gotten a jury duty summons once, and I didn’t even need to go in. I guess they didn’t have a busy court schedule.
Two times in the LBC and a federal case in DTLA. Another jury. Another time as foreman. Another guilty verdict.
The first time I got called into jury duty was in Beverly Hills. I chatted with the assistant to the creator of Psych and then had an argument with another one of the jury members (a public defender) about whether I had stood up her friend after I’d been set up with her following a party that her sister hosted. Her sister and my current neighbor are acquaintances. Small world.
Thing is, how long have these courts been backed up without live juries? They’re giving my fully inoculated ass a case.
Write it down.
John Smoltz talking about the Padres facing problems about how they’re going to divide up their World Series shares, as though that’s an actual problem they’re going to face.
“Hey, Horatio. how are you going to explain Emily Ratakowski being in your bed when your wife comes home?”
Horatio: (busily writing down inconsistencies in Season 5 of ‘Justified’) ‘Gee, I dunno, guess I’ll cross that bridge when I come to it.’
Emily:
Come to bed, Darling; while no one was happy with Season 5, overall ‘Justified’ was an outstanding series, and one mediocre season really shouldn’t affect your enjoyment of the entire series.
Mrs. Cornblower: Wake up you idiot; it’s mulching day!
Thanks for reminding me of that great show.
She’s a Polack. You have a shot.
I do like kielbasa.
It’s one of the more delicious euphemisms
Right? So many ways to be sent to HR!
And there’s the clincher.
That’s why you don’t park the bus and waste time from Minuto 1, kids.
No, it was that bullshit call that changed everything. Put you on the front foot and susceptible at the back heh.
Hee hee hee…
I have never been to Nashville, but for the next seven games I will root for the Panthers as though my children’s lives depend on it.
Fun story, a few years ago I was drinking in a bar mere steps from my house, (now an Indian restaurant, because the owner of the bar was more interested in banging coeds at a different bar than he was in running his own, but that’s another story), during the Stanley Cup play-offs. We’re in CT, mind you. An attractive girl comes in, hair in a pony tail, (my equivalent of Hippo’s shoulder thing), wearing a Nashville Predators game jersey, and asks if we would mind terribly putting the hockey game on.
Ma’am, I am 47 years old, married with 2 kids, and discussing Little League strategy while drinking as fast as I can before the bartender throws us all out so that he can go hit on drunk Delta Zetas up the street. You can put on any channel you want.
The Nashville game goes on, and she proceeds to whip out, wait for it, an advanced calculus book and start studying for what had to be a final exam, given the timing, while watching a fucking play-off hockey game.
If I hadn’t already vastly out-kicked my coverage on my own wedding I would have proposed immediately, and don’t think for a second that I didn’t consider converting to Mormonism.
That’s a great story. I miss going out and seeing people (specifically not-men).
She was adorable, and is probably now heavily involved in NASA’s next trip to Mars.
And goddammit, I am rooting hard for her team to curb stomp the fucking Hurricanes.
Is there an “un-advanced” calculus that I am not aware of? I mean, Newton (Liebnitz?) invented calculus to find the area under a curved line. Why is the textbook 2.5″ thick and take 3 semesters to get through? The horror of facing both Calc III and DiffEq made me downgrade from MechEng to geology major (geology only required Calc I and II).
But I am glad there are people for whom it is easy or at least not such an ordeal.
Dude, I failed algebra. All I know is what the textbook said. And as I believe I made clear, I was drinking and this was several years ago. My recollection is at Kato Kaelin levels of reliability.
You get a plus one for America’s favorite houseguest.
Advanced Calc is generally multivariable calculus, also frequently taught as Calc 3 (Calc 1 is basic concepts – limits, derivatives, definition of an integral. Calc 2 is integration techniques)
Calc 3 really isn’t that bad, imo Calc 2 is the hardest. Calc 3 is just learning how to do all the stuff you learned in 1+2 multiple times on the same equation.
Interesting. I bailed at 2.
What could have been.
My Calc II prof was a refugee from Iran. He could not conjugate the verb “to be.”
“This be the graph of the function…”
I took Calcs I and II both during summer sessions so it only lasted 10 weeks instead of 15.
That’s pretty rough, I took accelerated calc in college (1,2 and 3 in 2 semesters), but that was after already having calc 1+2 in high school. I wanted to be really solid on it since I was doing physics, so I decided to go over the material again. Taking it in a compressed time frame the first time doesn’t sound fun.
Yeah. What Zymm said.
Meanwhile, Horatio goes back to school:
I was great at math. I used it to inflate my GPA in high school and college, and then put it to no use whatsoever.
You probably think better because of it. I’ve found the math intuition I built up from doing lots of it is way more useful than the actual math, even in a job that’s considered math-based like mine
I was the opposite. My verbals were insane. My math scores were “Are you sure he was alive when he took this test?”
I’ve noticed over the years that people that are good at music are also usually good at math. I reckon there is some correlation, but maybe not.
I took someone’s final exam for them at a bar one time, it was some sort of anthropology class I think? I really want to know how I did, but never saw the person again.
I dictated a friend’s final paper in a history course while drunk and playing Set Back.
I’m not sure what grade he got, but I do remember having to repeatedly emphasize that Germany did not win WWI.
That’s an important point, I hope you were able to provide citations
Just win Balls, Just win!!!! 15 mins!
Me, at my prom.
/It was a loss
Same here
NAWT A PENALTY!
Not a penalty, not even fucking close.
NO ONE DENIES THIS!
LigaMx Twitter will react reasonably I imagine.
He didn’t even bother to look at VAR. Total BS.
Well now it doesn’t matter. But still, different game w/o that shit call.
Completely agree. Puebla moved on so I am good.
(there’s a decent chance I should not drive home tonight. Fortunately, I am drinking at home)
Wife just went to bed. Its Archer, wine and futbol!
God. Damn. Mother. Fucking. Dammit.
I just got up for 1 (one) single minute.
Narrator – The #BFIB did NOT avenge last night’s scheisse porn.
Should’ve warned you; I own Waino in my NL league. He’s been ok so far, but pitching batting practice tonight.
This Toluca-Cruz Azul game is bananacakes and it’s only 20 minutes in!
Fitting that they were the team Herr Fuhrer wanted to buy – seems that the Bills are hogwild with anti-vaxxer fervor. But obvs, just aSkiNg queStiONS because such independent thinkers doesn’t that trigger u suck it libtards!!!111
Today I learned that people can breathe through their butt
https://www.eurekalert.org/pub_releases/2021-05/tmad-vtr051421.php
Also, from cosmo so you know its real.
https://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/a30183958/perineum-sunning-benefits/
T’aint so!
So, sucking ass isn’t a bad thing?
Only if you’re a Lions fan.
Let’s avenge last night’s schisse porn, #BFIB!!
UGLY PUEBLA GOAL. MUY BIEN
THIS GUY MY CAT LILY I CALL HER ISRAEL BECAUSE SHE DOES WHATEVER THE FUCK SHE WANTS WHENEVER SHE WANTS AND THERE ARE NEVER ANY CONSEQUENCES.
Game recognize game, yo – Bibi N., Jerusalem, IS
Like Israel, Lily just needs some lebensraum.
Cat’s, man
EVERYONE CHECK OUT MR AYO’S CALL BELOW.
He called 11-1 shot Rombauer in the Preakness.
Like a non-racist Jimmy The Greek!!!
I’m not greek for the record.
Sorry, should have said Jimmy Who Enjoys Greek
Makeitsnow?
Fucking Flavian can ride, yo!
Yes he can. Imagine that, a French guy knowing how to win.
Good gravy, I was looking at this exact same image…
Leg 2 of the Triple Crown right now.
Sunday Gravy inspiration?
Leg of Medina Spirit.
It’s big in Brazil.
/dick joke
All my money on Rombauer.
I like Crowded Trade.
Midnight bourbon please?
I prefer morning vodka. But that’s still a good way to finish a day.
But is it TwBS Memorial freezer vodka?
Always.
Which is “Alberta Premium” in a plastic bottle should you ever win the Memorial League. I do not think Weaselo has cracked his bottle. Which is probably for the best.
The 60 it is, then. Top notch stuff that AP. Make for a real fine Saturday.
Excellent fucking call.
In tribute to Gumbygirl giving us the last place finisher in the Derby, I thought I’d contribute the winner this time around.
I didn’t watch this one, but go you!
Happy birthday to a tough guy
BIG games tonight in the Liga MX playoffs as Litre’s Puebla take on Atlas while my Toluca takes on regular season champion Cruz Azul.
Litre’s crew lost the first leg 1-0 but this return leg is at home.
My crew won the first leg 2-1 at home but now we visit the Azteca and try to take out the 1 seed.
I wonder how Rush Limbaugh would feel if he knew people talk about Kobe Bryant 1000x more often even though Kobe has been dead a full year longer.
I think it would bother Rush a lot, because Kobe Bryant was black, and Rush was a virulent racist. I hope that maybe just for today they set up a television in front of where Rush is being spit-roasted in hell so he can watch the NBA Hall of Fame induction ceremony.
I imagine each corpse spends lots of time in Hades bitching to one another.