One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
This week’s draft comes from the esteemed Rikki-Tikki-Deadly, who in turn was inspired by the original KSK Mock Draft. Apparently the had one where you drafted your rock star girlfriend, (or boyfriend, if that’s what floats your boat), and he made some mention of it. Despite having no recollection of said draft a lightbulb clicked in my head, a lightbulb that said, “Hey! If you rip this idea off, you don’t actually have to do any thinking this week!” Well, that talking lightbulb certainly sold me. With that, this week’s topic is “Rock Star Girlfriend/Boyfriend”
Rules:
They have be a musical act, solo or part of a band, doesn’t matter
They do not have to be alive, but please make sure that you let us know you’re drafting them in their prime, or you will be judged harshly.
The draft, much like the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, is, despite its name, not confined to the rock genre. If he or she is ska, rap, blues or, ugh, pop country, you go right ahead and live that little fantasy.
Finally, please do not use this draft as an excuse to write more fan fiction and send it to said artist. No one needs that, least of all the artist in question. Unless it’s like, Morrissey. Go ahead and bug him.
Since Rikki gave me this idea, however inadvertently, he gets the first pick. I suspect Susannah Hoffs is going to be off the board with a quickness. The rest of you,
— [DOOR FLIES OPEN] —
An incredibly handsome man strides into the room. He’s of below-average height, but is brimming with such self-confidence he might as well be ten feet tall. On his arm is…
And one more, of course you would have to be very respectful towards her dad.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_x-Yec9awso
Really good pic of her:
That’s a phenomenal pick
Is there a max number of rounds, or do we just keep going until we’re all…uh, spent?
Fourth pick:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=r3mSb6IGCZw
Generally until we get bored. Which I promise you the unfortunate draftees are going to be with us before we are of them.
Did not care for her music at all but – Samantha Fox.
Holy Crap! I was trying to find the vid where she was in a bikini, showing off her assets. I think she’s on the other team though.
Does it matter? Actually that makes some of my more self created vignettes more likely to be real!
This fantasy draft has to have standards!
Commissioner’s Ruling
The draft does not have to have any standards not already listed under the rules, and/or that are arbitrarily made up by the author on the spot for the purposes of annoying bk109.
This draft don’t impress me much. Super Big Plus-She’s from Timmins, Ontario!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mqFLXayD6e8&ab_channel=ShaniaTwainShaniaTwain
Plus she married Mutt Lange, so you have a legit chance.
One thing I remembered about her was she was on a show and Mitch Hedberg did standup afterwards and she was laughing so hard she was crying. I think it was the “Ducks eat for free at Subway” line that put her over.
I always found Zooey to be attractive in a “I’m crazier than Mary Todd Lincoln” kinda way. I imagine a fling with her would be exhausting, but fun…
Her musical project, I think called She/Him, was atrocious. Just twee hipster bullshit on top of twee hipster bullshit.
“Okay, if that’s the way the Dr. Mrs. wants to play this, I guess I’ll be making that second pick after all…”
[does Google search for “sexy kpop gifs”]
[redoes Google search as “sexy kpop girls gifs”]
“Yes, this ‘Bomi’ of well-known rock band ‘Girl Crush’ will do nicely.”
If you’d like to see that gif in all it’s full-resolution glory…
https://www.reddit.com/r/kpopfap/comments/dt7cye/girl_crush_bomi/
That’s, uh, quite the fit on her costume.
“You can take the rest of the afternoon off. You will not be needed.” – me, to my imagination
2nd DFO pick (in addition to the already-owned-for-life Susanna Hoffs), I’ll take the adorable and talented Norah Jones
That’s first round value.
100%
Ok, pick number two. Fuck you guys in advance!
Either going to get “dude ” or the pick rejected but here goes:
Kristen Bell
She sings in the Frozen 2 movie and is on the soundtrack
Why would that get a dude? This is a better pick than several others that preceded it.
For being such an out there pick
We’ve got people out here picking corpses out of closets, and you’re worried about Kristen Bell!?
Had to look up whether she was a singer. 17 Disney songs to her resume.
The committee was not happy about this pick, but after a review of Ms. Bell’s work and her resume, must somewhat grudgingly concede that
The pick stands.
Will tWBS come back and get in a fight with me if i take Shirley Manson?
If he does, I’m putting five bucks on him to kick your ass.
Actually BFC modelled his new GWS guernsey for us and he is swole as fuck now. Howevah, TWBS being undead probably trumps that.
“Swole” and “swollen” are not the same, but thank you
He’s been through hell, there isn’t anything/anybody he can’t handle. I wouln’t mess with him!
Also, if tWBS was still here, i likely would already have had reason to post this
https://youtu.be/6OamjBYCAz4
Yesss!
4th Round!
Her name ain’t baby, it’s Janet, Miss Jackson if you’re nasty…
Gumby has chosen Dolores O’ Riordan. He has a thing for insane Irish women, which explains why we’ve been married for 38 years.
Awe! I love that pic just for that reason.
First Hutchence, now O’Riordan.
Do you guys by any chance run a funeral home?
Wait till you hear my second pick!
Since Hippo is sleeping or napping, Nikki Monninger from Silversun Pickups.
Claire England from the band Dude York.
After taking blonde white women in the first two rounds, I’m in danger of being cancelled if I don’t add some diversity to the team. So I’m going to take Foxy Cleopatra-era Beyonce:
As Rikki knows, I got Ms Hoffs in the KSK draft and have a lifetime contract. He will have to settle for the Devil’s Threeway with Lenny Kravitz.
My first DFO pick? Thanks for asking.
I am a smooth operator.
I have absolutely no recollection of that draft.
Commissioner’s Ruling: Fight To The Death
Deal. This shouldn’t take long.
[sets out a chocolate eclair loaded with poison]
Hey whose eclair is that? Looks like nobody is claiming it, SonOfSpam, did you want it?
“Dibs!”
Since Dr.Mrs. Deadly stole Lenny K right out from under me(watch out, he’s a bit sticky) I will go with Michael Hutchence, since he’s still hanging around.
Taking him while he’s still hanging around?
That’s a judging.
THIS PERSON GUMBYGIRL I CALL HER MY PARENTS AT THE FOURTH GRADE TALENT SHOW BECAUSE THEY DIDN’T SHOW UP ON TIME AND NOW I’M MISERABLE AND EMBARRASSED.
Pre-reality show Gwen Stefani
Shakira. Maybe I’d finally learn another language
“Honey, can you repeat that with your hips?”
-Judges you in Spanish
Only way to know she isn’t lying
?
Terri Nunn, lead singer for Berlin was not unattractive. They put on a decent live show as well.
Going old school. In her prime Marianne Faithfull. I doubt I’d be able to keep up, but it’d be a hell of a ride for those few hours.
I was listening to a poem from her new album the other day. Yes, poem. She recites poetry while Nick Cave plays weird music in the background. It’s actually kind of epic!
The Lady of Shallot, Tennyson. “A curse be upon her, if she stay.” Or something like that.
Been over 30 minutes, going for Round 3 and I have a meeting shortly:
Kylie Minogue.
One thing about Kylie, she absolutely knew where her appeal as a singer was.
When we lived in Scotland, my son used to rush home to watch very young Kylie on Neighbors. He loved her with all his little second grade heart, bless him!
Mrs. Cola chimes in,
Is that Drake from State Farm?
My daughter has crashed in to take Niall Horan, from some boy band.
So, yeah.
Does he have to work to look like he doesn’t shower, or is it just natural?
I think he’s Irish; we almost always look like we just stumbled out of a bog.
Wife knew who this guy was.
Janelle Monae
I’ve got chills, they’re multiplying. So I’d better draft Olivia Newton-John, because I honestly love her:
She’s on my shortlist, too, but went with Carmen Electra as my first pic.
You probably have a shot with her. I think her ex-husband faked his own death/disappearance after some financial skullduggery.
Gotta figure that just liking to get drunk and make dick jokes on a football blog is a huge step up from that.
Question for the judges, does have a polygamous relationship with Robert Palmer’s backup band here count?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XcATvu5f9vE
Allowed, although with some questions as to whether any of them were ever actually alive.
Sort of alive sex robots? Hell yeas.
Worked out great for everyone in Westworld; I really don’t see a downside for you.
Round 2? Faith Hill
Was giving serious consideration to her as my next pick
Carmen Electra
https://youtu.be/nXZKKSJKdsQ
So hawt…
You’re really pushing the definition of “musical act” here.
Allowed, but with a healthy dollop of judging thrown in.
It’s musical act and not rocker?
“The draft, much like the Rock n’ Roll Hall of Fame, is, despite its name, not confined to the rock genre. If he or she is ska, rap, blues or, ugh, pop country, you go right ahead and live that little fantasy.”
She got her start with Prince, so you know it’s rockin’.
Since I am late, I will take my 2nd one. Florence all day.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=czD02wPfl68
Kate Nash .
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ryH5cga0yUI
[phone rings]
RIKKI: Moshi Moshi?
[brief delay, followed by a chiming noise that sounds like an angelic choir]
RIKKI: Um…Ahoy-hoy?
OPERATOR: Will you accept a collect call from “RIKKITHISISTHEWEEBABYSEAMUSWITHMYFIRSTPICKIWANTYOUTODRAFTALICIAWITTFORME”?
Shut her down. Rikki just killed the draft.
LENNY KRAVITZ: What the heck is that noise?
DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): It’s just Rikki pounding on the windows. He’ll get tired soon enough and go away. But speaking of pounding…
(Yes, that’s who she chose with her first round pick. Damnit, Horatio, why didn’t you make this a draft of “musicians” so I could declare him ineligible?)
There will be no Lenny Kravitz slander here, Sir.
Shit.
Hippo left her on the board, so I’m going with Margo Timmins.
Tori Amos
Perforated Septum/Second Cocaine Cowgirl Alert!:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dn8-4tjPxD8&ab_channel=JColunga
Courtney Jaye. And I don’t even drink coffee.
I dunno how a law-talking-guy don’t drink coffee. Were you once in the Magic Underwear Brigade?
Love the smell, hate the taste. Like Nigeria, I am a man of contrasts.
Pick the Second – Sharon Van Etten. She’s First Round Value, but I have longed for/known about Dearest Emily for longer.
PS – if you want me to set you up with Ms. Olsen, she is from/still lives in my parents’ hometown (Asheville, North Cakalaky)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ibj87fwRaM
Early solo career Belinda Carlisle.
Brings ‘We Got The Beat’ to a new meaning.
What can I say? I’m just Mad About Her.
They say Heaven is a place on Earth…
Christina Aguilera.
Served her room service Champagne in Edinburgh during the MTV music awards back in the day. Absolutely lovely individual.
A young hog borrowed his sister’s Linda Rondstadt albums quite a bit.
So much cocaine.
hey, it beats working out!
I think massive amounts of cocaine counted as working out in the 70’s.
Certainly got your heart rate up.
Fortunately, I can replicate that effect by remembering the really good ribeye steak sandwich I had a few months ago.
/much easier than finding a coke dealer in this day and age
//plus would it pair that well with opium??
/rushes to podium
Emily Haines goddamnit!!!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=StdBsUzJDTA
I’ll select Chrissie Hynde in her prime.
I take a young Katy Perry telling me all about Bible School while I’m making her bounce ‘n jiggle all over for Christ, the hard way.
That’s a nice tWBS tribute pick.
I almost feel bad taking her with Moose AWOL, but….Debbie Harry should have been the first pick anyway
Ha! I thought about doing an in absentia pick for Moose. And what with Wonder Woman not being in a band, the choice was obvious.
My second pick was absolutely Debbie Harry on Moose’s behalf.
And for the record, if we do have to call in the Commissioner…
she will be judging you.
She looks damn judgy for sure.
Much better photos of her available, but none as judgy.
SUSANNA: Rikki, what are you doing?
RIKKI: [at computer] Oh, just checking the DFO draft.
SUSANNA: You’re not making another pick, are you?
RIKKI: Of course not! I’ve got everything I’ll ever need. I’m just curious to see who those other chumps are taking.
SUSANNA: [smiles]
DR. MRS. DEADLY, ESQ. (RET): You silly man. Come back to bed.
That’s a funny way to spell “couch”
/turns on Autopick
//throws bucket of ice water on hisself
I saw a recent biography of her. I’m not sure they’re actually married, but apparently Tina is in a very happy and long-term relationship with a guy who used to be her driver.
What I’m saying is that Don T is a homewrecker.
As a general rule, marriages for immigration reasons don’t count.
Nor does the “Now that we’ve been intimate, and therefore chained to me until death, I have to tell you something”. ppl forget that
Like Scothnaut I will also go obscure for pick #1. Sure, I could wait 6 rounds and hope for Tom Brady, but why bother?
Sarah Connor. The German singer, not the American actress who has all those issues with robots.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KvkfyYoLjho
I’ll go (somewhat) obscure out of the gate-I saw The Spoons live way back when in a very small venue and bass player Sandy Horne was impossibly beautiful.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0SvgY7hGFOY&ab_channel=MidnightVisions
Joan Jett (although it is Lita Ford singing) –
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_EBvXpjudf8
Good luck. While Ms. Jett here claims to be doing all right with the boys, I believe she prefers the ladies. And who could blame her? We are a disgusting lot.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=g9G_mhktYog
That’s Cherie Curry singing. Lita was playing the guitar.