Two weeks of daily European Euro action end today, to the delight of work productivity enthusiasts and other Dementor-types. My answer is holding accountable every employer who has spent the last year scheduling mandatory talks on mindfulness and workers’ emotional state. Take frequent breaks, they say–how about a single, two-hour break to watch European countries settle ancestral slights through diving pageants in the football pitch? Or, praise Gamblor, TWO breaks, as we are blessed today with the last four games of the group stage. But first, let’s pay our respects to the dead.

Oh, Scotland. Your heroic draw against Englen and first half of berserker ball against the Croats were life-affirming. May you continue to enter Int’l tourneys and inspire the equally hungry and unskilled.

North Macedonia beat Germany IN GERMANY in a World Cup qualifier back in March, .21. The ‘Donia lost all three Euro group games, but got enough hipster momentum to get referred as simply “Macedonia”, thereby pissing off a lot of uppity Greeks. That’s a win in my book.

The Russians conceded seven goals in their three group games, results far worse than as 2018 World Cup hosts. Still, the Russian 2020 Euro results were much more successful than the Afghan campaign in the 80s.

The Turks proved to be the cockroach in a chicken dance—hey, it’s a Spanish idiom, and therefore 100% raycicism free. Anyway, to clarify: fuck Turkey’s genocide-denying, formulaic soap-opera churning ass.

And that’s it; everyone else is still in it.
Four third-place teams qualify for the knockouts, which start on Saturday. The bronzers who’ve played all of their group games are the following:

To the Games!

Group E plays at 11 AM Central. Here’s the current table:

Sweden v. Poland

Sweden will advance even if it loses (source: Arithmetic). It has scored only one goal, on a penalty against Slovakia. My take: Sweden is the annoying underdog who can get far through anti-fútbol. Everybody hates those teams, but the Europeen Euros have coronated two: 1992 Denmark, and 2004 Greece. Not again, please.

Poland has The Incredible Bobby Lewandowski and 17 years-old midfielder Kacper Kozlowski, the youngest player ever at the Euros. Counterpoint: Wojciech Szczesny is still their goalie—the first goaltender in Euro history to be credited with an own goal (against Slovakia a coupla days ago).

Predicción: Polonia wins, because I really really want that result. Which explains why I rarely bet for moneys.

Slovakia v. Spain

Umm, Actually Dept.: the Wild and Crazy Czech brothers played by Dan Aykroyd and Steve Martin are Slovak. I remember the Aykroyd character saying once that they were from Bratislava, so no need for fact-checking. A draw against Spain will get them through the knockouts.

Spain has been a spectacle—of failure! Spain won the chance to host Euro games, and chose to play in Seville in a stadium that was terrible according to… The Spanish National Team. Two miserable draws (or delightful, if you hate España /raises hand) is all they gots. Spain’s Pong-style passing game reached its peak against Sweden: 75% possession through 13,000 passes completed, one for every groan in the unwatchable ESP 0 : 0 SWE. This, and the second draw against Poland, brought out the best of the memeratti, celebrating the lousy aim of Spanish forward Álvaro Morata:

Spain needs to win this one to advance. A Slovak win would make me insufferably happy, so bet for the tie.

Predicción: The result will annoy me.

Group F plays at 2 PM Central. Here’s the current table:

Oof. That group is more stacked than the FBI’s COINTELPRO Archiv—I mean, the Score Magazine Boob Cruise. Almost lost you there, huh. Sorry.

Germany v. Hungary

Here’s your headline: Culture Wars Mar an Otherwise Peppy Hun Get-Together. The game’s in Allianz Arena in Munich, whose city government requested UEFA to display rainbow lighting at the stadium. In a bold display of bureaucracy, UEFA denied the request. The reasoning was that putting a rainbow in the stadium was not a message of inclusion, but a political statement given the context of playing Hungary—whose political leaders are on a homophobic bender. (That’s top-shelf sophistry by UEFA, which I opt to learn from in the hope of becoming a more insufferable irritant.) UEFA even suggested, to Munich, alternatives to celebrate Pride Month in dates when no European Euro games were played there.

Folks, condescension really is the ultimate Power Move.

Tchermany has looked great, the only blemish being an own-goal by Mats Hummels against France—which I liked, as I’ve been banging the “Why is everybody so damn smitten by sucky suck Hummels” drum for THREE YEARS.

Hungary needs to win to advance, which is not impossible. They handled France very well last Saturday, getting a draw at home against the World Champions. That was Hungary’s apex, methinks. In the second Saturday game, Germany conceded a goal to Cristiano Ronaldo, and proceeded to become the Germany we’ve always known—and never missed. That GER – POR may have been the best game of the tournament, until

Portugal v. France.

This tilt has rerun-on-BeIn Sports on a random May morning at 3 AM, “All-Time Classic” potential. These two were the finalists on the 2016 Europeen Euros, which Portugal won on penalties in France. Since then, you might have heard, all France has done is win the 2018 World Cup, and getting (by my count), 20 wins, six draws, and two losses in European competitions. My complaint: the French are maddening because, to my peasant eyes, they seem only interested in frustrating the opponent and not in scoring or having anything resembling fun—the delightful Antoine Griezmann being the notable exception. Les Bleus ended Benzema’s banishment after the 2010 debacle in the South Africa World Cup, and allow me to summarize his contributions in this Euros with a gif from my Permanent Collection:

France is already through, and it’s likely that Portugal goes forward with a loss. Still, I expect Portugal to be eager and get the 4-2 taste off their mouths. In fact, I do not see Portugal allowing four goals again on my lifetime.

Something to look forward to: England plays the 2^nd place of this group in London next Tuesday—i.e., either France, Germany or Portugal. I really like [fill in the blank’s] chances against Englen.

Predicciones: Germany wins, FRA – POR draws, English podcasters commit mass suicide after next Tuesday’s game.