One of the biggest things I miss from our old site was the mock drafts that used to run every Friday. Those were fantastic time wasters, and a good one was a virtual guarantee that you were going to be far from productive at work, as your day instead degenerated into arguments with strangers over who would be the best Saturday cartoon character to have sex with, (and now we all know how that would go), or some other equally inane topic, all of which were still more important than that TPS report deadline your boss was yelling about. Good times.
Well, it’s been long enough. After a discussion in the back channels yours truly is bringing it back, with some slight rule changes. The old site had 4-5 main contributors, one of whom may not have been real. So they’d do 2-3 rounds themselves, then kick it to the kommentariat to draft whatever was left over. You can do that when you’ve only taken 10-15 of whatever topic was up for drafting. We, however, are a much more connected group when it comes to the writin’ and draftin’ of things, so if we did that we’d easily take out 30-50 before we threw the bedraggled leftovers to our beloved readership. That’s no fun. So these drafts, which I expect to last as long as I remember to do them, (2-3 weeks), will just leap right into it.
Also, for content and alliteration reasons, we’ve moved the draft to Monday mornings, so get ready to kill your productivity right from the start.
First come, first served, subject to my randomly assigning the first pick to someone else, generally because they came up with the idea. Or because they bribed me. For now, please wait 10 picks or 30 minutes before making another one. That will be revised up or down depending on how much participation we get, which I hope will be a lot.
Today is July 5th, which means that America has been 245-years-old for all of one day. In honor of this birthday, today’s draft topic is the admittedly broad topic ‘Americana.’ Americana is defined as “related to the history, geography, folklore, and cultural heritage of the United States of America. Americana is any collection of materials and things concerning or characteristic of the United States or of the American people and representative or even stereotypical of American culture as a whole.” Might be blue jeans, might be hamburgers, might be imperialism in the service of capitalism. If you think it reflects the USofA, you go right ahead and draft it.
Have at it! And remember:
Shootin’ stuff
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iGxpdP3ZbWQ
Since I am late to the party, my first pick is Heinz ketchup. To ketchup with everyone else, I am also picking steroid-era baseball, which is the best era of baseball since before the banning of the spitball.
The Keytar!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rFcAQybcIms&ab_channel=PMTVUK
Hey good lookin’, we’ll be back to pick you up later!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hqIrzkPDtrk
Oh God, the cringe. The only thing worse was when everyone got cb radios. That’s a big 10-4, good buddy!
My FCC CB radio license/call number was KKD9806, the Midnight Rambler (after the Rolling Stones song, as well as the 1968 Javelin I had at the time (made by AMC/Rambler).
that’s a Texas sized 10-4, good buddy
Drive in movies
There was a drive-in in Loma Linda that me and my buds frequently invaded. Saw Jaws for the first time there, when it first came out in 1975. It’s weird to think about movies being shown for their first run at a drive in!
Is this one of those snake drafts where your following pick of “unintended pregnancies” happens immediately thereafter?
I did not get pregnant at the drive in, like some cheap skank! I got pregnant on Gumby’s parent’s rec room couch, like a fucking lady.
Ice in drinks.
McDonalds, you fat fucks. [sucks in stomach]
I seemed to have sorta Blair Witched myself but not fully, completely.
Worldwide US military presence. Americana!
Crippling student loan debt that can destroy your credit for decades if not for life.
6. Handlebar Moustaches. Also handlebar moustache rides.
I could never get used to Sam Elliot without the ‘stache in Justified.
Legal weed stores, oh hell yeah!
Amsterdam would like a word.
Amsterdam has forgotten what it was going to say.
Deep thoughts
Ice cream in novelty baseball helmets.
Sure, we’re imperialist monsters bent on the heat death of the world just so our stock dividends keep coming, but you gotta give us this one.
I’m not terribly worried about the future of the world. Life actually flourished quite well in a high carbon-dioxide setting. Sure, there were no humans, but I assure you we won’t be missed.
5. Persecution of Witches. The Salem Witch Trials, Christine O’Donnell, and OH YEAH
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=a_Hw4bAUj8A
Fucken nailed it!
Christine O’Donnell’s “I am not a witch” bit was one of the most hilarious downfalls in American political history.
Today’s crop of nutty congresspeople definitely saw that example and took heed.
Commercials for men that can’t get their dick hard.
I’m going to guess that’s not an American phenomenon.
I’ve never seen those commercials in any other country in the world.
Any of you Canucks wanna weigh in on this? I can’t believe male fragility is limited to the US.
Can’t spell Canucks without “cucks” amirite?
/not sure how that’s relevant
Oh we get a Viagra ad, howevah they are not allowed to tell you what pharmaceuticals do to you up here. They just say ask your doctor if Experion is right for you. They are kind of like little drug mysteries.
Newspaper advice columns
Speaking of advice columns, @bfc the Dr. Mrs. is trying to get me to express an opinion on Rachel Nichols what should I do?
The ESPN anchor? You mean this?
https://deadspin.com/rachel-nichols-comments-about-maria-taylor-are-latest-1847231057
Yeah.
Seems like a fairly simple answer.
As a happily married man, you don’t find either of them attractive.
That article sucked. But Rachel Nichols is attractive.
She should have kept her mouth shut. That’s my opinion.
“Richer Than God” televangelists.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iZveBXZ4Yzw&ab_channel=RitaBrown
I’ll allow it, so long as you promise to rocket that draft pick into the Sun.
I fucking loathe those people.
But she’s so purty!
I’m sure this is a mere coincidence, but I have a sudden urge to draft napalm, and a lot of it.
Food on a stick
BBQ and arguing about BBQ
Pretty much anything from Mike Judge.
Over capitalized health care systems with copays bordering on usury.
I think I’ve got this now.
Jazz.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PwpriGltf9g
I think Balls already drafted…oh, jazz. Never mind.
That’s why I went back and added a music clip.
Dogs in costumes
4. Beef. It’s what’s for dinner.
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=tviyAIS9c_U
We do seem to like meat. Might as well call this place the United States of Nassib!
::Quietly accepts ban with head held high #WWG1WGA::
James fucking Brown, baby.
GTD twists ankle just watching this
::ACL explodes reading one comment::
-Sam Bradford
Old school Dodge Charger
?1607648349000
Ooh! That gives me an idea!
I’ll take the hot chick in very little clothing posing next to a sports car.
And I’ll take NASCAR. TURN LEFT, BUBBA!
WE’RE TRADIN’ PAINT!
Hot chick on a bike too
//something something crotch rocket something something
America: the only nation with REAL MEN!
Beavis and Butthead
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qgQeuGjH_OQ&ab_channel=%23NameLessRaven
Is school shootings an international thing?
Apathy is indeed American.
Nice pick.
Meh.
I’ll take Spring Break. That annual festival of naked flesh, heavy binge drinking, and bad decisions.
love the old Jesus dude perving out to all the kids in the background.
That cross won’t be the only wood he’s lugging around that beach.
Man I should do that and see if any chicks start one-upping each other trying to “tempt” me.
I’m sure that there’s a movie or 3 with that as a plot.
Seems like it would fit nicely into the “Old School” or “Hall Pass” or “Wedding Crashers” genre aka the VaughnWilson school of filmmaking.
🎶Aaah… The Simpsoooons🎶
I mean, c’mon!
Simpsons bit stuck in my head lately, making me laugh like an idiot:
Krusty (to Bart): Everywhere I go I see teachers in Ferraris. Research scientists drinking champagne. I try to drink a Coje on the bus, and they tbrow away ma pass!
Been thinking about this, gonna take Hollywood and the whole movie industry.
/ totes gets that there are YUGE issues within that industry
Systemic racism.
Am I doing this right?
Yes, if you’re America. However, I don’t think that’s exclusive to you guys.
Yeah, contrary to woke Twitter, systemic racism is pretty much global. You’re always going to find it, even if it’s at the level of one tribe pissing upstream from its neighbors water supply and playing polo with their heads.
Not quite.
-Adolf H.
Elvis. And I mean the whole package-the impersonators with their massive guts spilling over their belts, the ‘He’s Still Alive!’ people, the black velvet paintings, the homo-erotic hip-shaking in a faux prison cell, the gaudy shitbox that is Graceland, dying on a toilet, etc. It’s all gloriously hilarious to some and worthy of veneration to others. You’re weird America.
You’re welcome, Canada!
The NFL!
hang your head in shame
Hispanic Guy: How can you stand this bare display of jingoism and gr*ng* shit?!
Me: /looking at screen/ violence violence OMGWHATACATCH
3. Macrobrewed lagers.
Pabst is truly awful beer, but I will die on the hill that they have the most iconic logo of any beer.
“Well, it’s a beer for banquets…”
/leans seductively into wall or shrub
Tested in the field, 50% pickup accuracy.
As a Canadian, I would like to thank America for cheap gas. The second that border opens, towns like Blaine, WA are going to be crushed by Canadians looking to top up cheaper than the $1.70/litre we are paying this morning.
Please note those are Canadian veteran plates.
Veteran of what, exactly?
/forgets that we use the Canadian military to supplement our own overstretched troops.
Big portions of food. Truly when in your land I throw any healthy food sense out the window and go full glutton.
Yes. I tend to go bananas my first few days when I travel there before common sense (and indigestion) kicks in. That instinct doesn’t rear its head when I travel to other countries or larger cities within The Canada.
The Western.
Welcome Best Western Yelp reviewers!
Surprising amount of hate for the Western.
Goddamn commies.
Wiki wiki wild wild….
https://youtu.be/_zXKtfKnfT8
Listen, Mark Zuckerberg can die in a fire for all I’m concerned, but don’t try to tell me that riding a motorized surfboard while waving an American flag isn’t cool.
As a surfer, you know damn well that riding a motorized surfboard is not cool.
Eh, it’s not really a surfboard if it’s motorized anyways. It’s more of a wakeboard – hence the straps.
Thanksgiving Day football is the most wonderful-est American thing in ever.
I realize there’s a lot to choose from but jeebus, guys.
This is true. It’s the best thing America has produced.
Unless you’re in Detroit and constantly having your dinner ruined by the goddamn Lions.
Since it’s been a half hour, I’ll select Uncle Sam.
Since America couldn’t be the Fatherland or the Motherland, it decided to be the creepy uncle that molests you while pretending everything’s fine.
With my second pick, The Balls of Steel and Fury select:
Faux Incest Porn.
Only in America…
Jesus I need to shower with bleach just looking at that tag-line.
I can’t believe you drafted this and not Bored & Ignored.
2. It’s been long enough, so I’ll take free/cheap land. Must have been nice when they were literally just handing out homesteads like candy.
The Oregon Trail would like to thank you for your donation.
The Cherokees would like a word.
And their land back.
Emma Radacanu is a little too young to be my new tennis crush, but maybe in a few years.
Red white and blue bunting at baseball games. Don’t know why, but I love it.
Is that an America thing? I always associated it that rebel country, what the hell were they called again? Loserville? Traitorstan?
1. Fireworks, but only before I owned pets.
CHIP KELLY: …
COMMISSIONER: [hastily interrupting] No you can’t draft that Chip.
Oh, you can draft it. Just not in Texas, because it’s not about that, founding documents and all evidence to the contrary be damned.
Remember, it doesn’t have to be good to be Americana.
Drafting “Texas not being a part of the United States” seems like it would be a good late-round flier.
This isn’t a fantasy draft, sir.
It was a part of American history!
McDonald’s french fries.
Good ones.
I had some the other day that were so hot they burned my fingers! Didn’t stop me from cramming them in my maw like a starving Ethiope. It was practically a religious experience.
I forgot to make the first pick.
I’ll take the American flag bikini, because what better way to honor the flag than violating the Flag code and jamming half of it up your ass?
That would have been my pick!!
I probably should have given you that one.