I’ve been unemployed for a full year, despite having 30 years of experience in the marketing and communications industry. I also have a Master’s Degree from Johns Hopkins (doesn’t that impress you? It shouldn’t.) Along the way I have dealt with idiots and morons of all stripes, and the goal of this regular column is to entertain all of you and keep me from castrating and degloving everyone in my range of rage. Enjoy.
When you’re unemployed, there’s a good chance you’ll come in contact with a recruiter – and you latch onto them because they give you hope and make promises and tell you they’ll take care of you – kind of like a pimp. But pimps are much more respectable.
And if you’re a recruiter, fuck you. Ok?
Recruiters are garbage-swallowing bottom feeders who are completely detestable. I’d rather be shot into space with Stephen A. Smith after he’s been force fed amphetamines then spend five minutes with one of these slimy cretins. Fuck them.
I’ve spoken with several thousand of these balls of trash and they promise high and never deliver. I wanted to share the experience with you guys, so you can feel my pain and anger.
Fozz Talks to a Recruiter
Recruiter: Hi! This is Recruiter Jane and I saw your resume and I gotta tell you, my head exploded like Scanners! You are gonna make money with me! Let’s talk!
Fozz: Hi Jane, it’s Fozz.
Recruiter: I’ll call you back.
One week later
Recruiter: Hi Fozz! I was busy sending out thousands of emails and ignoring the responses, but I found a position that’s the perfect fit! It’s a slam dunk.
Fozz: That’s great. I’ve been sitting here trying to not punch out every window in my house. But, instead I punched myself in the face.
Recruiter: I hear ya. Now the position is located in Winnipeg and it’s for an actuarial for a small, fly by night insurance agency.
Fozz: I live in Maryland. I have no experience in that field –
Recuiter: I’ll call you back!
Two weeks later
Recruiter: Hi is this Karen Sasparilla?
Fozz: No it’s Fozz.
Recruiter: Great! [hangs up]
A friend of Fozz, who realizes I’m about to fucking crack and shatter like fine china, puts me in touch with another recruiter who is “really dedicated” and “stays in touch” and “helps people.”
Fozz: Hi new recruiter. My friend Fingers McSorley gave me your contact information and I sent you my resume.
New Recruiter: Hi Fozz! I’m ready to get your hired. Let’s talk and I’ll ask fucking insane questions that have no relevance to your current situation. First, I’ll send you an email. Then another. I’ll be out of the office from now until Christmas, but stay in touch!
Ten Years Later
Fozz is bent like a question mark. His hair is gone, nothing grows on his face save bushy, wiry eyebrows. He is completely alone in a one room shithole on the bad side of Baltimore. (Well, all sides are bad, but this is the baddest.)
All day long he watches holograms of Joe Flacco and mourns the lost days of elitenessisity. The implanted phone in his head rings and he drives a finger in the ear to answer it.
Fozz in a tremulous, tobacco and bourbon blasted growl: “Hello? Is that you Chuck Barris? Finally, I can bring my dancing spotted-ass apes to all of America on your gameshow.”
Recruiter: “Fozz, you need to come right down to my office. It’s located in Buenos Aires and I’ve got the perfect job for you in the architectural field!”
Fozz: “These are my last words, you weasel: ‘I hope your hell is an eternity of bathroom visits with Ben Roethlisberger.’”
Fozz chokes, swears, and dies.
Glad you guys liked this. As a sidejob I’m doing settlements and refis for about $125 a throw. The guy who subs out to me is a comic book fan in a polyamorous relationship with a woman who is engaged to another woman.
My training consisted of an hour at his kitchen table. And he sends me to faraway places – yesterday I drove 150 miles.
He’s nice, but most of the times he’s a Type A dickhole. He called last night and gave me shit for not stamping my notary stamp in the right place.
Right now I’m killing time in a Starbucks. Here’s how the conversation went:
“Can I get an iced tea?”
“What kind?”
“The iced tea I’ve been drinking for 52 fucking years.”
“We have mango passion, jerkoff supreme, and green tea.”
“Christ. Green tea. Is it unsweetened?”
“Yes, do you want sugar?”
“Um. No you fucking retarded chimp.”
“What’s your name?”
“Huh?”
“I need to put it on the cup.”
[swear to god i was going to say Boog Powell, but she wouldn’t have gotten the joke.]
Having a retirement party at work at 7 damn a.m. tomorrow for someone, I’m not sure who. He has been at the facility for 23 years, from what I was told. So, at 7 am, there probably isn’t going to be booze involved, so I’m pre-drinking now in hopes that I’m only partially hungover.
.
That’s fucking hilarious!
Catholic jokes always work because we (technically it’s still “we”) are SO fucked up.
During my fruitless search for some sort of meaning in my Southern Baptist upbringing, I tried the Catholic church on for a few weeks. It was definitely NOT for me.
I’ve worked with a number of recruiters, and I don’t understand why it is so expensive to pay people that are so bad at a simple task.
I have an unoccupied 3 BR 1 Bath apt upstairs if someone finds gainful employment in the San Antonio-Austin Metroplex. We would have to share the kitchen, so obviously this would be a temp arrangement.
Unless it’s YeahRight. Looks to me like he cooks better than every single person in my extended family combined. But I think he’s spoken for.
This is awkward, but, um, it’s not currently unoccupied, Sorry about the upper decker.
The upstairs AC went out back in June, but it just needs a charge. Bad news is that R-12 is unobtainium. So a new system has to be installed before anyone can comfortably reside or drop deuces up there. Surprised you haven’t complained yet.
I mean, he might be in for a sancho. You won’t know until you go on a date and buy your way into his stuffed rump roast.
For those of you paying attention to lesser footy today:
Bruno, Bruno, Bruno,
He’s better than Rapey Cristiano
I hate recruiters almost as much as I hate HR. This happened years ago, and it still sets me off.
I walk into the agency, at 12:28 for a 12:30 interview. Everyone is on the phone, so I wait. Finally, I get greeted by Cunty at 1235. I tell her that I’m the 1230. She looks at her watch and tells Twatty that I’m 5 minutes late, much to my protest. At this point, if I wasn’t 6 months unemployed, I’d walk out, but here we are.
I do great at the interview and get set up to do a computer proficiency test. About 5 minutes in, the program gets screwey. I tell Cunty, who gets Twatty to help. After they talk, they tell me that I have to take the test and that I’ll have to make do with the program being fucked and the mouse not working. Oh, did I mention this was timed? It was and that 5-10 minutes wasted went against my time.
Naturally, I bombed the test and didn’t hear from them until like a year or two later, offering me jobs in shit I wasn’t qualified for and interested in moving.
Jeesus. If I had magical powers, the world’s population would dramatically decrease, and bitches like that would be leading the parade to hell.
You may get your wish soon.
—COVID, Right Wing Insurrectionists, global climate change, and that asteroid heading our way that NASA hasn’t seen yet due to funding cuts.
The constant PSA’s for not driving high during this Radiohead show is very funny Canadian government. It’s like they knew who the audience would be.
So, now DeathSentence’s Surgeon General is stepping down.
https://www.rawstory.com/ron-desantis-2654808668/
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YtQ5hRKCJeE
I had a preliminary phone interview yesterday and managed to get a WebEx interview scheduled for next week.
The phone call went really well and although there are a couple of other people vying for the job, it just kind of felt like I might have the inside track.
It would be a decent raise and a shift from my current job (leasing agent at an apartment community) to an actual career in conference operations and IT work, which is really what I want to do. Fingers crossed.
That being said, Fozz, as someone who once upon a time wandered the unemployment wilderness for nigh on 2 years, I totally get the frustration, desperation, and outright hopelessness the longer your job search continues. While we all love your column, I think everyone here can agree that we would be willing to part with it in exchange for you getting a job.
Also: if you ever wanted to know what it’s like to work in a leasing office (and why would you?), I’m your guy!
Not having a job (when you want one) really fucks with your self-esteem and whatnot. Completely understand feeling stabby.
It really does.
I was dealing with some pretty serious depression and my girlfriend and I broke up right at the tail end of that two-year stint. It was miserable.
Gumby has been unable to work for 2 years. He has been turned down twice for SS disability, and has a final hearing on September 8th. He has numerous serious health problems, his doctor is about to put him on the liver transplant list, and these mofo’s apparently think he should just suck it up. Send tots and pears to us, and to Fozz!
Didn’t he do 20? Won’t the Navy square him away?
Good friend of mine is a 12-yr Sonar Tech Chief followed by 12 years as a SWO Line Officer, finished up as ship’s navigator on a Gator Freighter. He has 50% disability for fucking sleep apnea! I asked him if he maybe got an extra 25% for male pattern baldness and just won’t tell us (i seen pics, he was bald at 22)…
I have another ex-navy bud who did 34 years, finished up as a Command Master Chief E-9 and is very active in advocacy issues for ex-squids. If shit doesn’t go Gumby’s way, let me know and I can put him in touch with this guy. brian dot ‘siegfried dot 1 @ us.af.mil. (that’s me, not the CMC).
The three of us used to have Navy Corner every Friday down at the Wine Bar, we did it for a while via Zoom shortly after the covid, and we have finally started having live events again. Next one is tomorrow. They are both Right leaning, but I love pulling their chains.
His disability is not service related.
Good luck!
Thank you!
Good luck to you Mighty Whitey supporter (nawt racist) and best of luck to all the DFOers who are looking for employ. We seem to be a smart bunch of folk who just happen to hate pants and have our own vices!
Why thank you!
Yeah, pants are for suckers. Vices are for winners.
That’s why my new job (as of 2 months ago) is permanent work from home. No commute and no pants needed!
My potentially future boss said she’s almost 100% remote–she maybe comes into the office quarterly at best. I’ll have to spend the bulk of my time in the office (thus not pants-less, alas), but the increased income and career track may just make having to get dressed every morning worth it.
Congrats on your new job!
If you are in the office without pants, and no one else is in the office, does it count?
Depends on how many blind spots the cameras have…
The Trump family sez: Vice is nice, but incest is the best.
Fuck yeah.
Nice, but they should have done with Gov. Schwarzenegger did. NO, NOT THAT!
Schwarzenegger: F-Bomb In Veto Letter Was “Wild Coincidence” | HuffPost
LOVE IT!
Does it count? That article is from the before times.
An entire segment of the nation worships a sideshow.
So, Joe Burrow is going to play a meaningless preseason game after all. I think I speak for all Bengals fans (possibly in the mid-three digits) when I say…
Data – Oh Shit (Star Trek Generations) – HD – YouTube
I just realized that this GB-NYJ game isn’t live. Thought it was awful sunny for this time of day. At least I don’t know what the final score is.
I did the same damn thing, so turned off the TV and started reading.
In case it hasn’t been done yet, someone better get Rod Flanders queued up.
Thoughts and prayers middle fingers? Or tested negative for sympathy picture?
Hmmm
My thoughts and prayers are sent in the direction of him suffering long and severely before he suffocates. That’s not nice, but I’ve about reached my limit on hiding my schadenfreude.
Someone mentioned it yesterday I think? I’ve been on standby, hope they pull the plug on this fucker soon. The downside is that Kyle Rittenhouse will probably be able to push back his trial date so he can shop for a new lawyer, the downside is that Pierce probably swallowed up a big chunk of his defense fund and he ain’t giving it back.
It is my supreme wish that they follow the South Park movie’s example of Kenny going to the Afterlife. I can’t show the video due to cartoon boobies (even though it is on YouTube with no age restrictions), but the music is appropriate.
Metallica – Hell Isn’t Good – YouTube
Oh, the nut jobs will give ’til it hurts to defend Rittenhouse. I have a feeling his defense fund will be just fine. All he has to do is release some bullshit statement talking about how the liberal judge or whatever is dragging the trial out to try and scrounge up some evidence and they’ll open their wallets wide as hell.
Well, at least that Dylan Roof motherfucker had his death sentence appeal rejected. DIE MOTHERFUCKER DIE! Maybe the prison guards will buy you a Whopper for your last meal.
Is there football tonight? Here I am stoned watching Radiohead live at Glastonbury.
“This is a contact sport. Always has been, always will be.”
—NFLN Commentator
That is fucking deep!
Huh, so those rumors that the league would go two-hand touch next season are false?
To make it safer, the NFL is switching to flag football next year.
While job searching, I saw my old job on Linked In, which shows whoever they hired to replace me didn’t work out. I guess finding someone who does two jobs for the pay of 80% of a job is a bit difficult.
I love how the fast food and other industries that have always paid below-poverty wages are crying about how the lazy bastards just want to sit at home on unemployment rather than come to work for $7.25/hr.
Stupid fucks need to read some history. Wages increased astronomically after the Black Plague scythed through Europe back starting in 1348. And now that 25-30% of our fellow Americans place their faith in politics not science, willing to sacrifice themselves and their offspring in order to “own the liberals,” the labor pool will probably shrink further. Go ahead and throw yourselves and your families on the cremation pyre of your own creation, you stupid motherfuckers. It ain’t gonna be blue vs red soon, it’s gonna be blue vs dead.
I may be wrong here, but it’s my understanding that the states that ended the additional unemployment benefits under the guise of “people won’t work if you pay them to stay home” didn’t see any significant increase in employment numbers, applications, or new hires.
Turns out maybe “giving people just a little bit to help out” may not have been the problem after all.
Just for hell of it, should have sent in your resume asking double what you made previously. I mean, you have all day, right?
3 times the pay and a signing bonus. Never hurts to ask?
Only recruiter I’ve dealt with is the Marine recruiter I signed up with. He actually tried to talk me out of going into the infantry.
So did you go infantry or maybe logistics/supply, like Gunny Highway’s pal in that movie?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-WZw3EtQUvY
I spent 5 years in the grunts, then made a lateral move into the data/IT field and finished out my 20.
There were days that I definitely regretted the lateral move.
The best recruiter story I had is when I got cold contacted on linkedin by a recruiter looking to hire me for a Tier 1 broadcast engineer role, because they looked at my resume and loved what they saw.
The role was open because I was just promoted to Tier 2 and it was a backfill.
The last job interview I went to, I took my most recent tax statement, showed it to the employer, and said “You pay me that, I’m in”. And I swear the interviewers shot themselves a “Won’t work well with others” glance.
I had an interview at a place in NYC. When they asked for a salary range, I said my number (80k, to do overnights in a TV operations center). They said that was a big number, and I said New York is an expensive town. They ghosted me/
I liked your answer.
Inspired by Patrick Ewing, no doubt.
I’m not a racist person, but with all of the foreignish names and accents offering me jobs, I was threatening to become one had my current job not thrown me a life raft.
As a example: a recruiter emailed me today to tell me about a job that I would be perfect for in Toledo. For those of you playing at home, Toledo is roughly 200 miles north of Cincinnati, which would be a roundtrip of 6¼ hours, 6½-7 if I hit traffic.
There are no good reasons to be racist. I haven’t found any, at least.
In my defense, it was two months in the Unemployed Wilderness and I was in a dark place. Also, I’m still a Republican, and based on my grandma’s observation of the racial background of South Atlanta with the windows down in stopped traffic, I am genetically predisposed of it.
Unfortunately I can’t say exactly what she said, but I had no idea she was like that. It was a bit shocking to say the least.
I’m still a Republican
I understand that the only way to fully flush the racism out of some Republicans is a full body blood transfusion a la Keith Richards (allegedly) or genetic DNA splicing.
Can I choose what gene’s are getting spliced into my DNA? I want to maximize my chances of getting super powers.
Sure, isn’t that what your side of the aisle all about the FREEDUMBS?
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dVGINIsLnqU
People like, say, Squanto and his contemporaries might have benefited from exhibiting a bit of racism.
That’s because you’re not looking in the dark….
Parts of town.
Buddy of mine used to tell the joke, apocryphal I am sure, when he was going through his divorce.
Earlier
Her: Let’s try a marriage counselor, maybe we can still save our marriage.
Him: OK. Set it up.
At the marriage counselor
Counselor: OK, perhaps we can start with your sex life. Lisa, can you say openly to Kevin something that bothers you about your intimate relations.
Her: Hmm. OK. Kevin, it bothers me when you don’t tell me you’re about to cum.
Him: Well, how can I? You’re never there!
Yes, they were divorced. And yes, they both cheated on each other.
I love happy endings.
You and Bob Kraft.
I’ve known two recruiters, both personally only. The first was a fellow smoker on the top floor of our office building. Horny older guy, convinced me to have a vasectomy. A good friend.
The second recruiter,
Dang dude, a week ago you were lamenting having to hang out in the hotel room all day. Can’t have it both ways! 😀
Right you are. Been there done that. Fun part starts at 1:40.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LXL5_tc8UyY
An Example of My Loving and Helpful Family
Two Years Ago
Me: “I should look for an apartment.”
Family: “Good Luck!”
One and a Half Years Ago
Mom: “AH! I’M IN EXTREME PAIN AND NO DOCTOR OR HOSPITAL CAN SEE ME BECAUSE OF COVID-19!!!”
Rest of Family: “I can’t deal with this.” (goes back to watching TV)
Me: (closes apartments.com tab) “Don’t worry about the house, Mom. I got this.”
One and a Half Years Ago
Mom: “The doctors were finally able to remove the cancerous uterus and confirm the tumors were benign. The pain is gone!”
Rest of Family: “See. We told you it would be fine with all of us pitching in.”
Me: (momentarily considers committing multiple homicide) “Well, back to apartment hunting.”
Family: “Good Luck!”
Six Months Ago
Me: “I just got fired due to cutbacks.”
Family: “Don’t worry, you can stay here as long as you like.”
Me: (closes apartment.com tab) “I’ve never been unemployed before in my life. I don’t know how to file for unemplo…”
Family: “Good Luck!”
Two Months Ago
Me: “I got hired!”
Fozz: (continues to consider committing multiple homicide)
Me: “Back to apartment hunting!”
Family: “Good Luck!”
One Month Ago
Me: “I found an apartment that is within my price range and isn’t that bad.”
Family: “Why don’t you try to buy a house? You have a great credit score and as a first time homeowner, there’s programs that can help you.”
Me: “Where were you when I started looking for…”
Family: “Good Luck!”
One Day Ago
Me: “I found a townhouse. Its okay, but its a nice first house.”
Family: “Why don’t you call you sister’s friend’s mother. She’s a realtor. I’m sure she can help you out.”
Me: “Where were you when I started looking for…”
Family: “Good Luck!”
Eleven Years From Now
Warden: “Reedforth Shirtowski, you have been condemned to die by lethal injection from a jury of your peers. Do you have anything to say?”
Me: “Just do it fast. I either have to have words with my God or go down to Hell and take over.”
Family: “Wait a minute! He didn’t commit those murders. He was with us the whole time.”
Me: “Where were you when the cops came to arres…”
Family: “Good Luck!”
The only recruiter I’ve ever dealt with was the guy that signed me up for the Navy. Looking back on my employment history going back to high school, I don’t think I have ever been unemployed for longer than a week. Just lucky, I reckon. I still get emails and voicemails from recruiters, but once I hired on as a permanent govt employee, I felt like a made man. Not the Joe Pesci in Goodfellas getting made, though. Plus, fuck, I’m in my sixties.
Man, I just hope you don’t wake up in a bathtub full of ice cubes and no kidneys. They’ve had to curtail that kind of shit down at the Mex border.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Br_IyR1HZuA
There’s bleak, and after that “the lost days of elitenessisity”. Dynamite stuff.
The one question I wish Lester Holt had asked that hero:
“What did it feel like…”
I recognize both actors, of course, but I do not remember what this scene is about or what movie it’s from.
Kindergarten Cop, after he punches the child abusing parent.
Thanks. Haven’t seen that in 30 years or so…
So far the new look Jets look exactly like the old Jets. They couldn’t stop a tire rolling down a gentle slope.
Up by three in the 2nd qtr! Super Bowl Bound, Baby!
Not sure how popular it is back East, but in CA you could call yourself a Product Marketing Manager or a whatever BPM stands for and the corporate recruiters would come a’crawling. Maybe try just adding random acronyms to your resume?
I’m told that Six Sigma is considered passe, so maybe declare yourself Seven Sigma Certified. That’s one better, you know.
TEN TAU IN THE IGLIZZY!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hW008FcKr3Q
I called myself a chief broadcasting engineer once. I never had a technical title, and most days I was running the studio/remote cameras myself so I thought it was appropriate.
Used to be the benefits of a recruiter was they’d tell you if you didn’t get the job, nowadays they ghost you just as much as the hiring manage. Only benefit I felt I I got from such meetings was practicing my pitch
corporate recruiters however, are still worth their weight in gold
This!
I had a second interview with a company and I never heard from them or the recruiter again. It would be nice to know why I wasn’t hired so I can work on it.
At the very least, being rejected can be used as a Reemployment Activity for my Unemployment Check..
I never actually did business with a recruiter. I did, however, field a couple of hundred phone calls from them for a little while. Not because I was anything special — it was a hot market at the time, and every young associate was getting cold-called by people who would assure you that they could get you a great position at Douchebag & Asshole LLP that was a real step up from your current place at Prick Prick Idiot & Shitstain LLP. I eventually learned to treat them like the telemarketers they are — as soon as you realize who they are, just interrupt with “no thanks” and hang up. They don’t mind, they’d rather move on to the next number on their list.
I’m sure that like any profession, there are some who actually put thought and effort into helping clients find an actual good fit, but the impression I got from most of them was that they were hoping to skim a quick buck by sending your resume out to the exact same firms that the clients would have if they were doing it on their own.
This post reminds me that I should care more about what is happening in the lives of people I care about than what is happening in some godforsaken windswept shithole on the other side of the planet that I will never visit, and probably never meet a person who grew up there.
I have never had to deal with a recruiter. I have, however, worked as a temp, where the coordinators seem to have the same kind of attitude. Tell them you are unhappy with your current assignment and they will promise you they are working on placing you elsewhere. But they won’t do shit as long as you are still working. You want a new assignment? You gotta up and quit (or get fired from) your current one.
Yeah, who really gives a shit about Baltimore?
The Ghost of Spiro Agnew has entered the chat.