Did you enjoy the early slate? Here is what Hippo learned, assuming I don’t nod off and forgets to update:
- There’s watching flies fuck (h/t Carlin, George) and then there is B1G “action.” You’ll do well to see a worse, sloppier (yet still competitive) game all season. And both these squadrons were RANKED. There’s a reason tOSU runs the table every damned season. Paedos made ONE first down the entire first half…and won.
- Stanford is bad. Really, really bad. 2020 was no Plague Year abberation.
- Oh my cats, Horatio told us to bet Holy Cross. But did I listen??
- Nick Saban no doubt stripped the paint off the locker room walls, after allowing a Miami FG that cut the Tide lead to 27-3. A pounding we expected, and a pounding we gets.
- GOOD TRY, Tulane and Fresno State. Steerfuckers North did their usual slapdickery, but with just enough yards and FITBAW points to eke out an unimpressive win.
- West By God Virginia v. Maryland is a fun rivalry, and I am glad it gave the ppls sommet to watch in the 3:30 window.
- God still hates Brocky (sorry, Hoosiers football).
- Cowbells can’t pass block for shit, and that might be a problem for a Dread Pirate Mike Leach team. Especially in the SEC West.
MOAR FITBAW!!!!
Oregon State (+7) at Purdue (7:00, FS1)
More so than the marquee matchups, THIS is the kind of matchup I like to see in September. Two “could be interesting” sides, not that you’d call them good. But also teams that rarely play one another. These would also get invites to Hippo’s long-dreamed of “Land Grant/Engineering/Angry Little Brother” conference (NC State, Mississippi State, Okie State, Iowa State, Texas Tech, Wazzu gets me to 8, I have to think harder past that).
Texas Tech (-1) at Houston (7:00, ESPN)
See above, also NEVAR miss a chance to post the Guns Up!! bunny boiler gals. It really is September again, y’all.
Georgia (+3) v. Clemson @ Richardson Plantation (7:30, ABC)
Can the Dawgs win this one for tWBS’ ghost? I wouldn’t bet on it. Expect a physical, low-scoring game. And Son de Clem has the better defensing unit.
LSU (-2.5) at UCLA (8:30, Fox)
The Heartstrings Pulling Bowl, with Westwood Klavern hosting. I am wary of a team playing under such dramatically fucked up circumstances, but this also strikes me as a massive overreaction to Fatass Chip’s charges running train on Hawaii. SEC West talent prevails, per usual.
Nevada (+3.5) at Cal (10:30, FS1)
Hope you stashed enough crank to get through these uber-late tweaker fixtures. The Wolf Pack are always a huge pain in the ass, and the Golden Shower Bears…have the nickname for a reason.
Utah State (+17) at Washington State (11:00, Pac12)
Holy cats, we is gonna be up all night. FOAR Team Secular Big Love State traveling to the Paloose. I probably spelled that wrong, and I do not care. Bet the Aggies.
Jack Sock reminds me of the former NASCAR great Dick Trickle.
Or the former New Hampshire congressman Dick Swett.
It’s damn near 10pm! Where did the day go?
Goodnight Mrs. Calabash…. wherever you are. Talk to you guys tomorrow.
Hell yes Bruins.
Hell yes.
*checks to make sure it’s not hockey season*
Ok, I’ll let this slide, you’re probably referring to some college footy nonsense.
DFOers will be relieved to know that, with Jack Sock’s defeat tonight, this will be the last joke about him I will make during the period between now and the Australian Open. Or as they call it in tennis, the “refractory period.”
Lookit UCLA! I’m glad I watched this one.
And didn’t Montana beat Washington. #20, ha! Go Grizz! It’s a big day for bears!
Buddy is so proud.
Oh, and, yeah, 13-7 Montana
WOOOOOOO!!
New Bourbon bar opened around the corner, but they are only open on Saturday afternoon. We had our “Navy Corner” there this afternoon: me, two E-9 CMCs (former intel types), and a buddy that did twelve years as a Steve Martin (Sonar Tech [arrow through head]) and then 12 years as a line officer, retired O-5. It was fun running through old sea stories, but by the time I get home I’m too exhausted or drunk or both to try and keep up with Brick and share with y’all.
I just assume you all get together in a bar and play Battleship. Brick gets really angry when someone sinks his sub.
Only open Saturday afternoon? That’s a front.
Jack Sock is struggling physically in the second set after winning the first. I guess he shot his load.
He really is stiffening up.
Commentators are now reporting that he has a groin injury, and it’s like they’re just encouraging me….
Maybe his stroke is off.
Hiyooo!!!
Football!!!
Georgia is up by 10 in the fourth quarter and I had five near-Jackpot misses at the casino today that could’ve payed off my car.
Yup, this is tWBS’s doing.
He’s smiling somewhere.
Was at the grocery store and bought a 30% off egg salad sandwich because I like living on the edge.*
*of my toilet
The gas station out of sushi?
I know where he lives. It would be pike on wonderbread with a potato on top.
However importer/exporter gets everything.
I resent you calling my wife ‘the Gas Station”. And yes, she didn’t feel like doing Japanese tonight.
Why? Did they ask for the bukkake special?
Robert Griff the 3 is an announcer now. He is on the Guns Up! Cougs game. I have it on mute so I have no idea if he is good.
I need the Cougs to finish a 250 parlay. LETS GO!
This Purdue quartered back Jake Plummer’s kid?
I looked it up earlier today.
He’s not, but it’s legitimately funny to pretend be is
Coach Orgeron gonna have to use his ‘deep voice’ to rally the lads at halftime.
Gargling marbles.
Gargling Marbles sounds like the name of a super villain in a Bond movie directed by Weird Al Yankovic.
Woo, this Charbonnet is pretty good!
He should NIL for a vineyard
Timothee Charbonnet?
I found a really nice pinot noir called Old Soul and it’s pretty fucking delightful.
Guns up! need to go abortion huntin, Litre has a parlay to win! Come on Cougs! Take that as you will.
$10K per sinner u libtard pussies git on it!!!
Cougs win, it has been a good day. Hippo, I told ya about Pacific, hell, Mrs Cola even knew.
People on commercials staring at their devices smile a lot more than I do.
Focus groups must be super inclined towards creepy plastic smiles. And the word “help” and/or “deserve” in every other sentence.
How disingenuous is the word “connected” in every one of these ads?
disingenuous in the amount your family DESERVES
Wait, you’re getting commercials other than the one with the Applebee’s song?
Must be nice.
All I know it’s I’m fancy like Appleb–oh fuck
Georgia looks legit. tWBS’ Ghost is no doubt tumescent.
The part time receptionist at the pearly gates smile at him?
Me: “Why is an out-of-ideas, no-longer relevant Clint Eastwood still making movies?”
Hollywood: “Umm, because he’s always made movies?”
Anyone under 35: “Clint who?”
Interesting that he’d go back to the Western genre. Seemed like Unforgiven was kind of last word on the subject.
Why should he be different from any other current movie maker?
These college football game tickets are too much. It was gonna cost me like$700 to pop in on Arizona opening up at Allegiant. And I know it’s going to be dead empty.
This is the kind of bullshit that fixing would be appreciated.
hey now, Westwood Klavern got about 1/3 of the Rose Bowl filled for rinky-dink LSU!
Sudden Georgia Change! Is it due to a pick six or Stacey Abrams? #whynotboth?
mmmmmhmmmm – Stacey A., Atlanta, GA
WVU commits four turnovers, which lead to 17 Maryland points.
30-24 Maryland
This is my birthday.
Welcome to the 2020s, it ain’t get no better.
Does this make you feel better?
/Andy Reid gets a semi
//Andy Reid isn’t exactly sure why
Intrest intensifies- Andy Rsid
ArmedandHammered, 7:22pm – “Got some edibles on deck.”
ArmedandHammered, 7:43pm – “Whatever. They know what I mean.”
Yep, be ready for my nonsense tomorrow night when I take the 25mg edible. I’ll be high as a kite by then.
don’t forget to bring a towel!
Staring into space listening to Funky Town.
better be air guitar going on!
Maybe listen to BandMaid and play bass, Mai is a beautiful goddess of rhythm.
I took a 30mg the other night and I was awake for 30 mins. Best sleep ever!!!! However waking up to piss was wild because I was still mega high.
Gumby takes 30 every day and hits the vape aplenty too. I smoke four hits off a doob and twirl around the kitchen trying to remember what the fuck I’m doing there.
I smoke 17 % sativa through the day (never indica). But sweet jesus, that 1 big gummy levels me and it is bliss!
I got Deebo Swinney for $2 in my auction league. Championship
I’ve done my own grocery shopping ever since I got vaccinated, but I believe I’m going to order Instacart tonight simply so I can stay home and keep drinking. That’s just good hustle!
Now that the shoppers have had a chance to get vaccinated, it’s less of a moral conflict.
I never felt conflicted about it. Presumably the shoppers want the business, or they wouldn’t take the gig. Boycotting their services doesn’t do them any good. It’s not like refusing to buy Brand X because they use sweatshop labor, where you have no means of helping the workers directly, so you hope the boycott can maybe pressure the company to pay their workers better. If you want delivery drivers to be paid better, just tip them what you think is appropriate and eliminate the middleman.
That’s fair.
Duke’s Mayonnaise is in the house!
Spoon out of the jar? Eat it by the handful, pussy!
Balls this Tamarind vodka is fucking superb.
I am intrigued.
Made by Smirnoff. In LA, where you are. He sent me the Dias dos muertos branded one. It, soda, lime and it is delicious.
I’m surprised you still have some. I would have thought the bottle would be empty by now.
Dude, with the Rona I don’t know when I will get down there. Hopefully May for that show.
Evening all, I hope everyone is having a decent weekend so far (the world is such shit that decent is all I can hope to expect). I am having a good long weekend/wedding anniversary weekend, the kidney stones have passed (may I get a hallelujah), and there are still two days to this weekend with a large stockpile of edibles on hand.
Hallelujah on the stones.
Seriously, why there so many ED medicine commercials but none for those god awful things. They run in my family, I had 3 before age 30, and I don’t even touch energy drinks!
[pushes glasses up nose]
I’d like to point out that kidney stones don’t run in your family, they block.
Be great way to describe a lineman, he’s a real kidney stone out there, he is hard as hell to dislodge and even if you do he will make you pay in the most painful way.
7. to watch in the 3:30 window.
God still hates Brocky (sorry, Hoosiers football).
Death… taxes….
She must be Persian, because that certainly makes you wish that was an Assyrian.
Like many things I have said in my life, this sounded better in my head.
I would 100% order this exact model of sex robot.
Here’s another submarine story. I hope these don’t bore you.
This is the “hooch” story
Before we did a 40 day patrol, the engineering department which I was in would be repairing pumps and repacking valves.
At the same time, our cooks were planning our menus for the whole patrol. As I’ve said before, these guys were highly trained geniuses who were not only good cooks but excellent managers.
The submarine service gets fed the best in the military, by far. We got generous rations, which in our case is really an accounting term; our food budget was higher than all other services. We were custom fed, and we could get snacks anytime we wanted.
But before the patrol we had to do “the load out.” Cranes on our tender would put pallets of stores on our deck. The entire crew (most anyway) would form a “bucket brigade” to load the stores into the boat.
These pallets were not accidental. They were coming down in a very specific order, based on the menus our cooks had devised, so all the stores were loaded in reverse order, under the supervision of our cooks. We were the dumb labor, but our cooks supervised where everything went: dry stores, reefers, freezers.
But during the load out certain items would mysteriously disappear, and it would big cans of fruit juice and bakers yeast, even raisins. Each department would pour these into high quality poly jugs that they got from us engineers, and they would hide it and it would ferment.
Alcohol is forbidden on U.S. Navy ships, but believe you me it’s there, and everywhere.
20 days later when we had our “halfway night” celebration, we would be fed lobster and tenderloin, and each department would surreptitiously break out the hooch.
In six patrols I only one sip of that shit. It was so horrible. We had guys who couldn’t wake up the next morning. We thought they were dead.
LOVE these submarine stories!
Next Friday, Sharkbait will advise us all on how to mix excellent cocktails from Navy raisin brandy.
Add lime, also keeps away the scurvy.
On a weird whim, I took a significant amount of cash out of an ATM on Thursday. This morning my debit card is not working. I say that so I can say this: “I’d prefer to go to Hufflepuff House”.
You ingest enough coffee to make it through SillyCuse/Back-2-Ohio?
Missed it. Always gotta remind myself that Cuse Football is starting.
Still on! CBSSN, or whatever that is in loonies.
Re: the banner photo. If it comes down to voting, I’m firmly on Team Left.
#MeToo
Team Left will stab you in the morning. Team Right will cook you breakfast.
You say that like most of the folks here wouldn’t be deserving of said stabbings
¿Porque no los dos?
Gross broken leg in the Cowbells/La Tech fixture. Great game, BTW.
Parlay du hippopotamus Round Deux. One gets me fourteen.
Yessir. I like it!
Final score alert!
Reedley Tigers 27
San Joaquin Delta 14
Is that all you got new conference?
Reedley college is 1-0
Tell me they have “RFT” gear. If not, MAKE SOME.
I really enjoy the football and soccer stories, but this website really needs more submarine stories.
We is HERE FOAR U, Brick. Give the ppls what they want.
“I’m always up for sandwich talk!” — Andy Reid
“A hero? That’s some weird sandwich from New York” – Oddball
Unrelated :
Someone at my new job is names britt Reid, and I’m just waiting for the chance to make the joke
Yikes. That’s just a car crash waiting to happen.