I have mentioned before, about the dangers of not reading too much into Week 1.  But even so, some stunning reversals of fortune this week.

Also, some ridiculously bozo-level coaching and Shield-emphasis-based ridiculous BLEERGH worship.  But, that’s not really anything new.

Twas a 9/4 split, but almost felt reversed, given the lack of early fireworks.  Late afternoon window more than made up for it, though.

Fuck it, my column, my rules.  We start with Most Glorious 2-0 (both away fixtures, on the East Coast) Donks WOO!  Sure, I get it.  Giants and Jaguras were the losers.  But, especially today’s fixture is one that I could easily see Denver losing.  Especially after letting Prison Girlfriend take DUUUUUVVVVAAAALLLL down the field for 7 on the opening drive.  He had 73 yards passing on that drive.  His final line?  14-33, 118, 2 pickerceptions.  Patrick Surtain II was a beast, and JAX wouldn’t score again until a garbage time kickoff return.  23-13, good guys.  Time to pretend you want to spend MOAR time with the family, Urban.

In this upside-down universe, That’s Rikki’s Raiders! also improve to 2-0, making the Stillers look as bad as we expected them to be heading into the season.  Daniel Carlson pissed you off as a fantasy opponent, and Emo Carr remained…competent?  And speaking of dimbulb coaching, the last PIT play – down NINE POINTS, from own 25, :20 to play and NO TIMEOUTS – Coach Epps got his best wideout injured.  Because…send a message hurr durr, I guess.  Really, it’s ok to take a knee, or let a special teams player run it up the gut.

OK, here’s a 180 for you – the New Orleans Saints, fresh off a neutral site thrashing of Green Bay.  They head into Charlotte, where they ALWAYS roll.  And get their shit pushed in, even despite Touch of Downs trying to gift them back into it with a shovel pass directly into the defensive line, ahead 3 scores with Q3 running out.  The ensuing 18-yard TD drive brought the Saints to within 10 – but they never scored again.  Aside from that one awful play, Darnold was efficient and effective, and the Black Panthers won going away, 26-7.  Only Prison Girlfriend’s final numbers keep Rapey Jameis from laying the week’s biggest turd.

Are you limited to broadcast FITBAW options, and could only watch Bungles/Bearistocrats!?  If so, you have my sympathy.  This game was just wretched.  Red Rocket injured himself, which Coked-Up RedZone Guy curiously called “bad news for Bears fans.”  Seriously, is there ONE Chi****an who didn’t want to see Strawberry Fields on the pitch (and Forever)?  Well, he played the whole 2nd half (IIRC) and he also kind of sucked.  Threw a bad Q4 pick, deep in his own territory with a 20-3 lead.  After Burrow tossed THREE consecutive INTs of his own (one taken to the house)?  Burrow made a quick TD, and another on his next drive, cutting the lead to 20-17.  But a Fields scramble picked up a key 3rd down conversion, and there would be no further scoring or threats of scoring.

What of our scrappy 500s?  Well, they didn’t pull a complete 180, but they also didn’t win.  It was 14-apiece at the half, but Tyrod did his hammy and…it was NEVAR gonna work with the Davis Mills show (8-18, 102, 1 TD, 1 INT).  But lookit all the rookies, getting to play and making their mommies proud!  They even covered the spread at 31-21 to #ThePauls – who survived a Mayfield owie scare of their own (he returned to the game, and seemed fine).

Perhaps the only actual GOOD early game?  RRRRRRRRRRAM IT!!’s visit to the Gravy Boat.  I wouldn’t say Dakota Jeebus was good, but better than Week 1.  They might not quite be hopeless.  But although Indy tied the game late at 24, Wentz also got his ankle rolled up to where he couldn’t continue.  Los Angeles scored a Gay FG late for a 27-24 lead, and it was up to…Jacob Eason to make his NFL debut.  NO PRESSURE, KID.  Hilarity ensued, and the Rams are 2-0.

I almost benched the Bills D/ST (have I mentioned how stupid I am?), but didn’t.  Thank fuck, as they pitched a combined shutout (having knocked Tua out of the game quite early).  Jacoby Brissett wounded my Wolven pride by not being any better, but hey.  Money team is 2-0.  We do need to talk about Brokeback, though.  He’s back to making rookie season-calibre decisions, and was absolutely awful.  But Devin Singletary was great (no idea why management hates him so), Zach Moss scored twice, and the scoreline wrapped up 35-nil.  That’ll do, Wagon Circlers.  That’ll do.  And the Weekend of Wakezilla Ecstasy meets a crashing halt.

Sometimes, life does follow The Narrative.  Like with Belicheat against rookie QBs.  The #2 overall pick was a dumpster fire, though unlike the #1 pick, at least he moved the ball a little in garbage time.  FOUR pickerceptions – all of the “Good LORD” varietal – will empty a bandwagon quick.  But, at least we get the banner-winning humoUr of Buddy Cole in the Jest live threads.  That man deserves the Congressional Medal of HonoUr.  And also a GoFundMe for Uncle Ed’s bail money.   White Mac continued to be a game manager, doing nothing of consequence (good or bad).  P*ts go to 1-1, executing their strategy much better than home to the LOLfins.  Who, as we discussed, got shitcanned at home by the Bills, who shat themselves home to PIT Week 1.  The Transitive Property Doesn’t Work in Football.  25-6, fin.

Philly was surprisingly competent down South, but in front of the Week 2 home fans?  Fuck.  All.  17-11 is an aesthetically pleasing final score, but that’s the only nice thing one can say about this game.  Tomsulas had all three of their RBs die, but still managed to control time of possession and bleed the win to its climax.  Maybe-he’s-the-answer-after-all Jalen Hurts also crashed back to reality, completing a grand total of 12 passes.

Whew.  That’s our opening 9.  Deep breath FOAR the remainder…

Team MRSA ran out to the expected huge lead, then let Sherman’s Ashes close to within 28-25.  Seriously, all they wanted to do was pad MRSA Dreamboat’s status.  Disgusting, syphillitic fuckados.  But that only led to TWO horrendous Matty Ice pick sixes, both scored by the same dude.  48-25 is your final, with FIFTH OVERALL PICK Kyle Pitts drawing a mere 6 targets.  It’s almost like Arthur Smith doesn’t know what he’s doing (as the head man).

Our plucky Non-Gendereds were missing, like, their ENTIRE defense.  So, naturally, instead of another shootout (as in Week 1), they ground out a real mudder in front of the very supportive SoCal crowd, 20-17.  Dak! did basically nothing, and Tony Pollard was the goddamn STAR!  Also Greg Zeuerlein, who bailed out some really funky playcalling and clock management by Captain BlueBunny.  I mean, trying a 56-yard FG at the gun?  That’s fine, if that’s what chance fate gives you.  But you don’t AFFIRMATIVELY PLAY FOR IT, under almost any conceivable circumstances.  But he made it, on THIRD DOWN (with timeout in hand), no less.  There were also multiple insane officiating decisions (lots of changing the basic nature of the game for hurting the opponent’s feelings) and other stuff that made me dizzy.  But a win is a win, and good for N-GCp.  And fuck Clippers du Merde, who become the first AFC West squadron to lose this season.

NFC West stayed perfect, though – thanks to a completely berzerk 34-33 Qards home win over the Vikings.  Kyler Murray was the best player on the field, for each team.  I queried whether Coach Zimmer was sane, punting on 4th and 7 with 2:45 to play.  In a game where 67 points had been tallied, you think it’s mathematically valid to give up possession, knowing that ONE first down beats you? But Murray took a bad sack, they did indeed get it back right away, and drove fairly effortlessly into FG range.  Bad process, good results.  And it’s certainly MOAR defensible to be careful with the ball once your winning kick is under 40 yards.  But Greg Joseph – who had already missed an extra point – was wide right from 37 and it’s 0-2 for Minny – despite looking like sure winners two weeks running.

Also, go back and watch the Rondale Moore TD play – that kid is going to be The Next Big Thing.

We’ve covered lots of stupid, but Petey “I’m JUST ASKING questions!!!111” Carroll?  Our once, today, and future champion.  Every year, he costs the SeaTruthers at least 1-2 wins, by thinking – in his 1970s mind – that he’s “scored enough points” and can just run the game out.  With a generational, first-ballot Hall of Famer like Russell Wilson playing QB.  It makes absolutely no sense.  Especially after DonT’s Tits closed the first half losing 4 points thanks to a dicey replay overturn, then a 48-second Wilson-led TD drive.

Derrick Henry at his best is a downhill, wear-you-the-fuck-down runner.  You don’t want to just let him sledgehammer your drywall all day long.  Eventually holes burst through.  The only Q3 score was a pinball-ish, 9-yard el Tractorcito run.  24-16, Seattle.  After losing 2 yards on the next two plays, Wilson then hit a 66-yard scoring bomb.  30-16 after the missed extra point (which is what I absolutely guarantee you that Carroll blames for the loss), and Wilson goes into mothballs.  Henry followed with a 60-yard TD run, then bludgeoned a gassed defense for a 4-minute drill on the final drive.  30-30, and we go to overtime.  A big Tits sack (really should have been a safety) led to a short field for TN and the winning FG.  33-30, and this was as bad a coaching job as you will ever see.  As for the Tractorcito that many – myself included – wondered about after Week 1’s turd?  35 for 182, three scores.  I am pretty sure DonT self-abused for like three hours straight.

Sunday Night is a real cracker of a matchup, with the Chefs facing their other semi-bogey side (away to the Ratbirds).  Kansas City looked like they might have a seismic advantage early, with a Honey Badger pick six on the opening drive, followed by a SECOND pickerception (same QB, same CB) in Q1.  But Lamar!…uh, got better.  Quite a bit better.  And pinball ensued.  Shades of that Mexico City MNF game a few years back.

I can’t really describe all of what followed.  Mahomes-y made very few mistakes, but he threw a really dumb pick, up 35-24.  They would have had to punt anyway, but maybe the field position helps and/or momentum doesn’t swing as violently.  Balmer and Lamar! then bludgeoned the fuck out of a gassed Chefs’ defense, scoring twice (but missing two 2-pointers, for 36-35).  3 and change, plenty of time, all 3 timeouts.  Mahomes gets them into FG range effortlessly.

And, on 2nd and 3, CE-H fumbles almost untouched, and WOMP WOMP.

Somehow, though – KC got a stop.  Or rather, forced 4th and 1 from Balmer’s own 43.

Harbs the Greater went for it.  They got it.  Know the game you are coaching, and fuck conventional wisdom.  Well fookin’ done.