The 2021 season is almost here! It hasn’t started yet! As the resident Houston Texans fan (and the only one within 5,000 square miles), I felt it was only appropriate that I be the one who previews this season’s Texans. I’m going to keep it simple, but here’s the TL;DR: this is their year. This is the year the Texans finally put it all together and stake their claim as the best, most dominant team in the NFL. It’s all there, imaginary internet friends: offense, defense, special teams, coaching, even the front office. There’s not a more complete team in the league. Let’s break it down:

OFFENSE
After years of wallowing in QB purgatory, including a detour paying the Interception Giraffe approximately nine billion dollars to throw the ball to the other team all game, the Texans finally have a world-beater under center who knows how to read defenses, can make the big throw, and most importantly: keeps his nose clean off the field. With unimpeachable Deshaun Watson slinging the rock and DeAndre Hopkins definitely still there to catch everything in a 10-foot radius, they’re going to score more points than anyone else in the league. They don’t even need a running game! Just #4 to #10 all day long!

DEFENSE
Lovie Smith’s Tampa 2 defense thankfully has yet to be solved by even the greatest offensive minds. It’s the perfect D, especially when you have such amazing coverage linebackers like Zach Cunningham and Jacob Martin! The defensive line, anchored by an aging-but-still-effective JJ Watt (the Houston hero who would never take off for greener pastures in, uh, Arizona), is gonna get after the QB and get after him hard. I expect no fewer than seven shutouts this year, along with a record number of sacks.

SPECIAL TEAMS
Long a strong suit of the Texans, specials teams will be just as special this year. In the 20-year history of this glorious team, I can’t recall a single time special teams have been a problem. John Christian Ka’iminoeauloameka’ikeokekumpa’a Fairbairn, probably the most accurate kicker in league history, is sure to set all manner of records this year. They don’t even have a punter on the roster, as they won’t face anything other than 4^th-and-makeable-field-goal. And look out for those return teams. You’re going to see the scoreboard light up every time the Texans receive a kick!

COACHING
After a long and award-winning tenure, Bill O’Brien decided to try his hand at the college ranks again, gracefully making way for David Culley and crew. Thankfully, O’Brien didn’t do anything stupid like get fleeced on trades or alienate players, so he really set Culley up for success. Culley has a proven record as a coach and is surely not just a motivational speaker full of empty platitudes. The team is in good hands, ready to win. Nobody wanted Eric Bienemy anyway.

FRONT OFFICE
The now-deceased owner Bob McNair came under fire a few years ago because he said some things that could be misconstrued as racist. But he couldn’t possibly have been racist! Some of his favorite employees were black! Now the team is under the guidance of the steady hand of McNair’s progeny, Cal, who is a real adult and definitely not a failson who’d rather play Gamecube than actually run the team. Things are fine. They’re fine. Really. It’s all good.

PREDICTION
17-0 regular season. Breeze through the playoffs. Beat a sullen and wistful Aaron Rodgers and the Packers in Los Angeles, surprising exactly no one. Houston is legally recognized as the true “Title Town,” and everyone forgives the Astros.

Hey doctor, this white jacket is a little tight. Can you loosen the straps a bit?