Good morning, all. There is no Lesser Footy to speak of (international break, blech), but at least tomorrow – The Shield tries to fill that void with the most precious of gift.
Jest. Falcons (without Ridley!). London. 9:30a EST, full national coverage.
As you know, our esteem for FITBAW means that when we get a wonderful 14-hour viewing window – we fucking watch it. ALL of it.
So, while legally I can’t stipulate that “mandatory” is on pain of catapault…I don’t have to, and in fact am NOT, ruling it out.
If you have eschewed the bosom of REEL MURRIKA for the Left Coast? Well, take a nap on Saturday. Pass out during the 7p JV NFL window. Acquire trucker speed. JUST BE HERE, eyeballs glued to the magic.
After contemplating the bleakness of existence all morning, here are the appetizers from indentured servitude (or as ah like to say as a Son of the South, happy worker pals):
Oklahoma (-3) v. Texas (Noon, ABC)
Fuck your mother, I will call this Red River SHOOTOUT and fuck off if you don’t like it. Terms like “shootout” are NOT why we have all these lunatic shootings in this country. Even well-meaning people can be right stupid. It’s not the exclusive province of the “religious” right.
Arkansas (+5) at Ole Miss (Noon, ESPN)
Two SEC West nouveau riche-ish squadrons, both coming of Old Money Bully-given wakeup calls. Who will respond better, and/or will anyone still be listening to Morrissey tunes like Emo Carr??
South Cakalaky (+10.5) at Tennessee (Noon, ESPN2)
I am not on the UT hype train – they just had a good week, while Mizzou shit their pants. Same bunch who lost at home to Pitt, who in turn lost at home to Western Michigan. Of course, using the transitive property in JV NFL leads to madness. But the Chickens just might be “a step above Vandy” dogshit. We shall see.
West By God Virginia (+3) at Baylor (Noon, FS1)
Stayin’ alive in the Big Twaaaalve race? Best win today, both of y’all. WCS eyes his non-alcoholic beverage with distaste.
Georgia (-15) at Auburn (3:30, CBS)
Does this whackadoo line – which I 100% will NOT bet either way – say MOAR about UGA’s dominance, or War Damn Eagle’s steaming pile of meh? The answer, obvs, is YES.
Paedo State (+1.5) at Iowa (4:00, Fox)
One definition of “hopeless pile of monkeyfuck” is needing Team Cornpone to do sommet good for humanity. Paedos roll, and the Narrative intensifies.
Feel free to talk about books, family problems, music, whatevs.
Incidentally, friendship over with fried chicken over. Chongqing spicy chicken is my new best friend.
Who’s losing/lost the San Diego County Credit Union Tank Bowl sponsored by Lockheed Martin?
It always pains me so much to see defenders intercept the ball on 4th down and cost their team yardage.
Long-run, it didn’t matter, but yes: it’s 4th and 10 from their 9. Knock the ball down.
Donald Trump golfed for an entire YEAR of his presidency, and these motherfuckers act like Biden taking a vacation is the worst sin of all time.
https://twitter.com/GOP/status/1446914212186443778
Sorry about the 2 political posts in a row. I’m just sick of the bullshit.
Luckily, the target audience for that tweet doesn’t even know how to operate their front door, much less a computer.
Holy shitsnacks, that Smurfs FC catch!
Last night Mrs. In TX and I went out to dinner. One of the TVs in the restaurant had Fox News on. I couldn’t hear what they were saying, but the chyrons were “THE ABORTION INDUSTRY’S HARM TO BLACK COMMUNITIES,” “FIGHTING FOR LIFE,” and something about black women and abortions.
Fox News is pure poison. They should have their broadcasting rights revoked.
“Agreed, it would be pretty great to get Fox News off the air.” – AT&T executives, shoveling some more money at OANN.
“People are really mad, sir.”
“Who gives a fuck? I’m rich.”
Wahoowa is not particularly good, but they do have a knack for dramatics.
Greatest Layup of all Time? It’s gotta go to Julius for the “Under And Around” vs the Lakers but I’ll submit George Gervin’s weirdo high-flippin’ finger roll as the 2nd-best. He had to put it high-enough off the backboard so that the slight spin on the ball would be negated after it hit the glass. Check it out at fifty seconds in.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WRl2Fzjsf1U&ab_channel=Kleimanable
SillyCuse has ONE JERB today. Is not as vital as the Semen Holes’ – but ONE JERB nonetheless.
Don’t count on Sillycuse unless they sneak into a basketball tournament as a late teen seed.
Finally Boise is getting some lucky goals. All the games they lost this year were unlucky bounces.
I just had a conversation with my actor neighbor and he was all over the place. I think he must have been really, really high.
So he’s gonna forget to call you when your table is ready.
This is an *excellent* joke
It would be except he’s a trust fund kid and has probably never done a minute’s worth of manual labor in his life. Super nice guy, though.
Ohhhh, you live next to Dennis Reynolds!
Correction, he will “probably” be hospitalized.
Gus Johnson’s brown coat, checkered shirt and burgundy tie wardrobe is working as hard as he is to remain relevant.
This is an E6B Flight Computer that was sent as a gift to me by tWBS. It was his father’s, who owned a Cessna.
This is high quality aluminum, whereas most E6Bs are made of cardboard.
It was a lovely gift, and totally tWBS. I tried to pay for it but tWBS always refused. That was Mark.
I met him again at the Frolic Room in Hollywood (on a DFO pub crawl) and offered to pay the $25 shipping cost but he refused it.
Mark was a good guy. His gift has a good home.
That’s beautiful!
I really wish I could edit this post (too late) but it was Mark’s “late father” who had “once owned a Cessna.” That’s the E6B he gifted to me.
Announcer at UConn game (Andy Gresh, a sport radio guy, ’nuff said) just said UConn should have gone for it on 4th and goal from the 2, (he’s right about that), because then UMass would have had to go “at least 99 yards for a TD.”
“Checks out.” – a UConn professor of mathematics
Ok, thanksgiving dinner is tonight at 6.
Gigantes game also same time.
Who will take care of Colapug?
I will take and skip the table a plate thanks.
National Media, you told us that Auburn could be a contender this year. We’ve determined…
/opens envelope
that was a lie.
“UConn, meanwhile, they’ve had their own struggles.”
Oh, really? I hadn’t fucking noticed!
Me: UConn’s defense looks surprisingly good.
/UConn’s defense misses 4 tackles on the same guy while giving up a 40+ yard pass play
Me: There it is.
Hey lookit this little stinker! Just adopted her today, and she’s adapting beautifully. She was at the pound for three weeks (no-kill shelter) so she ONLY wants to be outside for now. Hasn’t hit the food to hard yet, but has already hopped up on both couches and our bed, so I think she knows she’s home. Played it SUPER cool with MurderCat, who was just looking for an excuse to start some shit. Feels good to know she’s gonna wake up tomorrow unsure of where she is, and then remember, “That’s right! I have a new family! FUCK! YES!” Mutts are the best.
GIVE THAT DOG EVERYTHING
The moment rescue dogs realize that their life got better forever is such an incredible moment. I have a friend who adopted a badly abused dog and you could see it dawn on her–after MONTHS of work by my friend–that she would be loved for the rest of her life and would never, ever get kicked again was so beautiful. She went from being super aggressive to being the sweetest, friendliest dog and would never turn down a belly rub.
NO YOU’RE CRYING
Awww! Smooches for pooches!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sb3FJdRk-tI
Going from Texas-Oklahoma to UConn-UMass is really something.
3rd and 28? JV NFL BLITZ!
Rooting against sports teams for political reasons has complicated everything. Milwaukee vs Atlanta used to be a no-brainer: fuck the Braves. Now it’s like: hmmm. Making a Murderer-ville with Scott Walker and the state that revolutionized stealing power from Democratic elected officials. But how can I root against Richie Cunningham’s team? But Georgia elected two Democratic senators, and Adult Swim, and Stacy Abrams. Does Chipper Jones still override all that? Baseball is so complicated. I’m drunk.
Yep. Fuck Chipper Jones.
Fuck the Braves forever.
also the blue team
TWA Hotel at JFK airport
September 26 2019, while I was waiting 8 hours to board a flight to London, I stayed there.
It was was “soft opened” and so beautifully pristine in its restoration.
Everything was perfect, even rotary telephones everywhere.
The grand opening was the next day, but I was gone by then.
That’s some Kubrick shit right there. Beautiful photo.
When do the twins from The Shining show up?
REDRUM!
“That is a beautiful corridor. NOW POUR HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS OF GALLONS OF BLOOD THROUGH THOSE DOORS!”
-S. Kubrick
Times like this, my liver is glad I’m on the wagon. I need a cold, delicious Wolf Cola to soothe my battered fanhood.
Normally when you see a political attack ad it has some kind of purpose to it. On the broadcast of the Look-The-Other-Way State / Cornfuckers game I’m watching they just had an ad that was nothing more than “Tell Biden to stop messing with Medicare!” Literally no message other than that.
Those tricky Democrats, always cutting government spending!
Old people channel just had a commercial warning the olds in their audience that “The Left” is “squeezing” Medicare, and you should tell Joe to stop it! If you’re dumb enough to buy that, you shouldn’t qualify for Medicare at all.
Yeah, they showed the same ad on my broadcast. It was really weird.
They are that dumb, that’s why the Republicans target them with their lies. Easily manipulated, gullible.
DFO Airlines
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UKC_AcWOakY&ab
Disco Lives Forever! – YouTube
What was the point of him flying the plane upside-down?
You never did anything bad ass while drunk?
Plane was diving. Flying inverted meant it was generating lift. Science!
Oh were the controls stuck? I guess that makes sense.
Approved! Pilot lived!
I forgot the original publisher but Longform had this story and it was insane. Plane shuttling guy at Seatac just randomly learned to fly from online videos and motherfucker just stole the plane when he was supposed to just move it off of the runway.
He flew out around for a couple of hours then realized he fucked up and augered that fucker into the ground and blew himself up.
Here’s some video. Dude did a barrel roll!
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Fe5R77rRWak
And the story. It was Rolling Stone with the piece.
https://www.rollingstone.com/culture/culture-features/beebo-russell-seattle-plane-theft-true-story-1187023/
That was a crazy day. All airlines shut down and the fighter jets deployed from Portland. And guy was just going on a joyride to kill himself.
It’s a fantastic read.
The audio in this Sillycuse game reminds me of doing the play-by-play for a few girl’s basketball games from the top of the gym bleachers for the local community channel back in the mid-80’s.
There’s a fapping background noise?
You hear it as well, huh? So weird…
True “Iowa Wave” story:
When I first saw the Iowa Wave, it was during an Ohio State-Iowa game that was tied at 10. When I saw it, I thought it was nice. Then Iowa scored 14 points quickly and went on to win 55-24.
I turned off the TV, lied down in bed and muttered hatefully “stupid sick kids”.
Holy piss jugs, that was embarrassing. Great game, coach.
The zoom-in on that white cb from Iowa reminds me of footage of Benjamin, the last Thylacine or a pic of Martha, the last Passenger Pigeon.
Pretty sure that if SillyCuse wins this game, NC State will be the last undefeated (in ACC play) team in the Division. At 1-0 in a division with SEVEN teams.
Fun Fact Related To Iowa: Andy Reid wishes he belonged to the Hayden “Deep” Frye coaching tree.
Why do fat, middle-aged white men think “shirt tucked in plus sunvisor” is a good look for them?
The tucked in jersey is a real panty dropper too.
I mean, I know I look like shit. But even going to my office in workout clothes…I try not to DRAW EXTRA ATTENTION to my gut. I don’t have a bald spot (thanks again, most beloved maternal grandfather), but I’d like to think I wouldn’t be flaunting that, neither.
Guess I win the old white guy daily double but I sure as fuck don’t flaunt the bald spot intentionally.
Surely Sillycuse is the finest 3-2 team in the land, showing #19 Wake Forest who’s the boss.
Samantha. Samantha is the boss. – Abed N., Community-land
I just got a spam e-mail trying to sell me a goddamned airplane. Which makes me think…that must work every now and again? Some jagoff buys a plane on impulse, like me when Amazon recommends a book and I’m bored??
We can chip in for a DFO plane.
who’s gonna do enough blow to think they can fly it?
I’ll volunteer for that!
raw (274×202) (tenor.co)
I have a pilot’s license. It’s almost twenty years out of date, but I’m sure it’ll come back to me.
Feel’s like there is a cool story behind that one.
The only thing remarkable about it is that I did it in South Africa. I did it long enough to qualify for my license but it was too expensive to keep doing. Stupid people wanting money for letting me use their airplanes!
We’re set! Pilot, co-pilot, flight engineer, navigator, and a whole lot of gullible passengers.
I repeatedly get spam emails trying to sell me my own cremation.
10% off if I climb into the oven myself.
You could also be Ayo’s co-pilot. A plane can’t be that different than a submarine. Same difference, as we Southern folk says.
Pilots need a flight engineer. He’ll be great at it.
I live right next to LAX. I’ve seen lots of planes take off. I think that makes me pretty qualified thank you very much.
Can I be navigator?
oh absolutely. We can’t waste your Doktor skillz
-Prince Henry of Portugal, circa 1425
Show me on the corn cob doll where Penn State touched you.
“Everywhere?”
Does butter = lube in this question your honoUr?
Hey, whatever gets me in there. – Jerry S., State College, PA
Smells like breakfast.
I am sneaky day drunk, I apologize.
That went from “Don’t Give Up the Safety” to “Should’ve Given Up the Safety” very quickly.
Penn State and Iowa. Huh?
I don’t want to root for Penn State for obvious reasons, but I just don’t like Iowa. Iowa is like the best 2nd-Tier Big 10 School. Its like when Ohio State, Michigan, Penn State and Wisconsin stumbles, Iowa is there to win the conference by default.
I vote for an overtime game where they keep missing 2 point conversions and are doomed to play the game nonstop for eternity.
The good thing about Oklahoma winning is that there won’t be a bunch of unplanned pregnancies in Texas, because we all know how well that would work out.
Welcome to the Blue Balls state
Me, I’m putting all my money into a “Rural Texas Domestic Assault Index Fund” on Monday.
Texas is gonna LOVE being in the SEC.
Welcome to 6-6, as long as the OL stays healthy
6-6? How many of those are COVID Forfeits?
What’s higher than bananacakes?
Whipped bananacakes?
Bananananapapapayacakes!
some sort of banana/plantain fushion thingamabob, that you do one of them fancy restauarant fire/nanobubbles infusion to
To own the Cons.
https://empoweredsustenance.com/flourless-plantain-cake/
That’s floUrless plantain cake
fucking hell, that looks AMAZING
Fans: “Oklahoma has to drive down the field so they can kick a field goal.”
Commentators: “Oklahoma has to drive down the field so they can kick a field goal.”
Oklahoma: “We have to drive down the field so we can kick a field goal.”
Texas: “WHAT THE FUCK ARE THEY GONNA DO?!”
Does this qualify as a late term abortion for Texas if they lose?
my bladder thinks Q4 has lasted 5 weeks, fo sho
Close enough to sue!
10 seconds, you have TWO timeouts. The fuck are you dicking around for??
My dearest Mr. Hippo, how close to Ashville are you located? I’ve got a godson who has settled there and is coming at a fancy pants French restaurant.
Like 4 hours down I-40?
Ah. My geographical knowledge of the Cackalackies is lacking. If you find yourself there the restaurant name is C’urate. He’s a great dude.
inshallah, and I know Asheville has quite the foodie/arts scene now.
Yeah. He loves it there. Just his style.
my parents both grew up there, and would have loved to stay – just no work back then (my Dad was a civil engineer)
Three points from breaking the record? Oh, a game winning safety would be glorious here!
In honoUr of Lane Kiffin’s big win today:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0TvJy2Ot48M
truly his best ever work
“War Eagle, you pussy!”
Can we quickly overrule that stupidly stupid 2-point shootout rule started at 3OT? Because with the old OT rules, these two teams could break 100 points easily.
I watched that Ole Miss/Elisha game that went to 7OT (also against Arkansas?). It was so much fun that they decided it could never happen again. Such is the way of JV NFL “leadership.”
UConn/UMass isn’t even on teevee. How is that possible in 2021?
Hand to God, this is the first I’ve ever heard of UMass.
It’s a safety school for kids that can’t get into Dean Junior College.
It’s short for YoU Masshole.