Technically, the movie has already opened in Europe and other parts of the world, but it’s opening weekend in the US for the latest James Bond movie. I’m not sure about Canadia, but I’m assuming you guys, unfortunately, get lumped in with us dumbfucks.
Today’s post is dedicated to the James Bond franchise. Well, except for the pictures. Those are all yours. And glorious they are! Big thanks to Horatio for the Mexico tribute! The songs are all my favourite theme songs from the entire James Bond series.
On to Balls’ Thoughts O’ Da Week!
***
Balls’ James Bond Movie Thing Tracker
Not quite a catchy title, but it describes what I’m about to write. Essentially, there are certain things that started off as being unique to James Bond movies, grew to be tradition, moved to cliché, expanded into tropes, and are now just things that are pretty much expected in every James Bond movie.
I was inspired to write this when I was thinking about Joe Bob Briggs and how he used to rate the drive-in and B-movies of the last century using his famous scale/criteria. Every movie had certain elements to it and Joe Bob would run down the numbers (The Drive-In Totals) to make sure you knew exactly how much of the goodness each movie had.
In Joe Bob’s honor, I present to you the James Bond Totals:
- Number of Scantily-clad Girls in Bikinis or Lingerie
- Car chase?
- Train fight?
- Death or Threat of Death by Shark?
- Number of Women that Bond bangs
The Pluto streaming service is again showing the James Bond movies in a special channel, so I’m able to watch them and perform this important research for you. If there are any other categories you think I should add, please let me know in the comments. As I watch more movies, I’ll either do a standalone post or sprinkle them into the Balls’ Thoughts O’ Da Week.
And now, the first movie to get the James Bond Totals treatment:
***
The Living Daylights
This was Timothy Dalton’s first Bond film and one of his two best.
- Number of Scantily-clad Girls in Bikinis or Lingerie: Lots. It starts off with a bored MILF on a boat (1) and then moves on to a Moroccan harem (7) and finishes with Pushkin’s MILFY goodness in lingerie (1) in a scene that features the rare but greatly appreciated BARE SIDE NIPPLE! Total of 9.
- Car chase? Yes! And in the Slovakian ice! Bratislava did not feature again so heavily in a major motion picture until Eurotrip.
- Train fight? No, but there is a plane fight and that’s a moving vehicle usually used for mass transport, so I say it gets a half credit.
- Death or Threat of Death by Shark? No, but this oversight would be more than made up for in Licence To Kill with one shark death, one shark maiming, and one character named Sharkey.
- Number of Women that Bond bangs: 2, the aforementioned MILF from the opening sequence and Maryam (Not Olivia!) d’Abo, who has perfected the “I’m a clueless blonde” look so well, I’m curious if that’s her real life O face.
***
For those of you prudes that don’t like cheesecake or beefcake, click HERE to skip to the music videos.
Here are your Top 11 pictures of the week.
***
YOU’RE-A-PRUDE
***
And now, for the music!
As I mentioned before, I’ve decided that I must take up the mantle that tWBS ran with and help to make this world a better place. I will do this in the one way he couldn’t: By introducing you to good music!
As mentioned above, these are my favourite James Bond movie theme songs. I have not heard the Billie Eilish song, but I really like her, so I’m hoping it’s good. Enjoy!
Song Number One:
Canción Número Dos:
Chanson Numéro Trois:
Canzone numero quattro:
Canção número cinco
Seigarren zenbakia:
***
That’s all for this week, folks! Be good to each other and fly low and avoid the radar.
Now let’s just say that Tesla actually DID do the Astro…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54hUDN5yVd4
Two more of my wonderful contacts/people announced their retirement today.
The turnover in the last 17 months has been crazy.
Not the company at all. Just these people got used to working from home. They got used to not having to commute.
[editors note] have you ever commuted on the LA freeway system during rush hour? Huh? What! Huh? Fuck you! Who could blame them?
I went to the main campus the other day for the first time in like 8 months and they asked for my badge number.
I gave it to them.
Dude says “I think you’re missing a couple of digits on that.”
Buddy next to him says: “No dude, I had a guy with a number like that last week!”
yeah right: “I’ve been here since 2000, so I’m kind of old school.”
Dudes: “Whoa!”
I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I had already been working the previous 14 years in the industry prior to that.
Kids. Fuck em.
But not in the Penn State way.
My primary email address is my full name plus a “@mac.com” suffix. I’ve been using Apple products since 1986. They haven’t issued email with “@mac.com” for many years, if not decades. Whenever I contact Apple support or go to an Apple Store, the kids are always amazed, like they’re talking to a caveman.
My personal favorite Bond song and movie.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sn8alMYSu44
Arizona St is annoying good.
(annoying since they dominated the Bruins last week)
Sun Devil Rose Bowl is in play.
Landed. The Glenfarclas was tasty but LAX still sucks.
Truth all around
Hard.
(Not me, but how much LAX sucks)
“The bathroom scene there isn’t very good, either.” — former Senator Larry Craig
wide
stance
god we were so innocent then
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Aj8f30Iguw0
Welcome home.
Went inside to get moar scotch (because… duh), and when I came back out, there was a massive insect (a grasshopper?) crawling across my laptop screen right across the DFO screen.
Pull out the creme de menthe!
He’s back!
Praying mantis!
Dammit DFO is a SECULAR site.
Perhaps it was praying to BLEERGH or SHAN’KLOR?
If there were more than one, it would be manti, then it definitely would be talking to someone imaginary.
Took me a while to get that one. I blame the scotch.
No reason whatsoever to stop drinking before 10 pm
Somewhere, Jimmy Buffett nods, picks up the phone, and tells Alan Jackson he’s got a new song to do together. “It’s Not Yet 10 O’Clock Somewhere”
why did you keep going after “drinking”
None what-so-ever.
I just got here!
Just had a phone conversation with guy, so he is clearly wasted cause normally doesn’t do phones. We live in interesting times, very little is as it was a couple years ago
A phone call! How retro is that!
Right?! No text or video or anything!
He will send a dic portrait on the next autogyro from Siam.
And here I was just hoping for some decent ascii art dick like a rube
https://youtu.be/MPkp-pCJYCc
Webb with the great pitching.
On to game 2 for another victory!
Approved
My fav Bond tune. Always conjures up thoughts of ole Jimmy bangin his way throught Monte Carlo… or Kenosha…
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hs8uYxTJ530
Dodgers getting shutout tonight? Maybe.
Rodgers! Love some sidearm action
I spent just $70 at the grocery store and was able to buy the following things: 4 lbs of tri-tip, 6 lbs of ground turkey, 24 Stella Artois beers, 5 lbs of dog food, and 2 pints of fancy ice cream.
Did they pay you to take the Stella and that covered the rest?
In Ireland they call Stella “wife beater”
I was going to make a shittier version of this joke.
I’ll probably be in Torrance Tuesday night if you want to drink better beers.
Goddammit my Vons was out of the turkey tonite and I was irrationally angry until I realized how entitled that was
Still a little angry though
Evenin. Just drove 6 hours. Get out of vehicle run in inlaws house in time to see Bryant go yard against the blue team. All is good!!!
“A six hour drive? A little flashy, but not too bad, not too bad at all.” – Marty Schottenheimer
“Need a lot of pills, though.” — Britt Reid
The audio on this TBS broadcast is a full five seconds ahead of the video. It’s fucking awful.
New work project: email a colleague “You’re the man”, attach this
Directed by David Mamet
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=z7InE1zXAY4
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ricky_Jay
YES
My first introduction to Ricky Jay was in Boogie Nights, when he was asking Little Bill if he could get some new lenses, while Little Bill’s wife was getting drilled on the driveway.
Ricky Jay’s best role as an actor was in Mystery Men where he is “Captain Amazing’s” (brilliantly played by Greg Kinnear) agent. They’re riding in the back of a limo, Captain Amazing’s costume is covered in sponsor patches like a NASCAR driver. Captain Amazing is complaing about his sponsorships and wants them fixed. And Ricky Jay says “I’m an agent not a magician.”
Hm, what shall I drink next?
d) All of the above
Going with this stuff
I’m going with The Balvenie Doublewood
My favourite single malt.
I’m more of an Islay guy, but this is nice.
Of course.
Love the Bond reviews!
Thing to add to the checlist:
-Bond is cornered, movie villain tells him The Plan
Consider it added!
— Bond makes a deadpan quip or pun over the dead body of one of the villain’s henchmen
Like Arnie in his old movies.
Sully, remember when I said I’d kill you last?
Yeah Matrix you did say that.
I lied.
you knlw, the burbs is a great movie. carrie fisher looks fetching
I saw her standup act live once, fantastic stuff
anything to do with boston
The only city I have had my car towed, but some interesting cabbies
Their debut album was pretty fantastic though.
oh, empty bourbon bottles, empty beer cans, pro lifers
At least you can throw the first two at the last one. With force, or possibly some gas and a lit rag
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vPh7y_KkyjI
couple of things i hate: star trek, elton john, the beatles, the entire city of pittsburgh white claws.
Legit
Elton’s cool. Can’t stand his songs tho.
See also: Joel, Billy
This all checks out.
Found a funny;
There’s a deleted scene in ET where he drinks a sparkling water and straight up dies.
My favorite Bond movie is the Simpsons parody
You ever seen a man say goodbye to a shoe before?
(laughs) Yes, once.
Leading scholars are divided about whether the joke is that Homer is referring to Hank Scorpio saying goodbye to a shoe 3 seconds earlier, or if there was a past, separate, unseen instance of Homer seeing someone else saying goodbye to a shoe, possibly a loafer. They are even more divided about which joke would be funnier; my vote is for the latter.
Agree totally. That’s why he laughs; it was funny that one other time.
Concur. The laugh is nostalgic, and the juxtaposition of Homer being the less wordly of the two, yet having perhaps deeper experience in the area than Scorpio creates a comic confusion of innocence and experience
If you could kill some people on the way out, that would help me a lot
Why yes, that *is* a Tampax ad starring Amy Schumer playing during the Red Sox / Rays game. Apparently the demographics of the MLB audience is not what I’d have predicted.
How do you think those socks got so red?
I guess their first choice of spokesperson Curt Schilling was unavailable to film and/or chased the production assistants off his property while waving a shotgun?
How the fuck is this abomination still alive while tWBS is not?
At least Bannon looks like he is suffering, whereas tWBS had good times
I realize I probably should have saved this image so I could spook everyone really good on Halloween.
Just don’t go 3d printing a mask, it will probably be cursed with real mouth herpes
Those grooming tips from Al Davis are paying off.
It’s like Davis’s corpse soaked for two weeks in Coors Light
And sexy Friday is dead.
He’s chancredelic, baby!
LoL
😳😂🤣
Those are some Rocking James Bond songs!!
Nice 👍
I give zero shits, fucks, or other discrete curse word nouns about the Giants/Dodgers rivalry and I feel like my life is better for it
Less likely to get stabbed, too
No, you’re thinking of the Raiders-Everyone rivalry. The Giants-Dodgers rivalry is more about skull fractures.
Those dodger fans are all criminals and gang members, so makes sense to me.
No love for the mango tree? And there is even a bikini lady involved!
https://youtu.be/L9qpCb281Y4
The answer is right in the title: No
I love how committed they have remained to this bit:
https://mobile.twitter.com/korkedbats/status/1446258806040694784
Super dumb but internet funny
Kind of a throwback to the days before the social-media-ization of the internet. Reminds me of the innocent times of Jib Jab, Homestar Runner, and badger badger badger badger.
Mushroom mushroom!
Doctor Zymm gets it
Here’s an internet classic from the olden days
https://youtu.be/ApxnAr6pRt0
Hell yeah!
Plus, that song will always give me a rush of adrenaline.
Hahaha yes!
Florida International (on CBS Sports Network) isn’t good and will probably lose tonight, but they just had a pass completion from Bortenschlager to St. Felix so that’s cool.
Give me all your beer and wine, from Bortenschlager to St. Felix!
When I was 20, I backpacked from Bortenschlager to St. Felix. Had to sleep on a stoop in the rain, but met a 6 foot tall beauty along the way who taught me a few things I’ll never forget.
Sounds like a post. DO IT.
Hmmmmmmmmmmm………..
I will die on the hill that Timothy Dalton was a terrific Bond, and was never given a fair chance.
I hear that argument about George Lazenby but really don’t give a shit
Only good thing about George Lazenby is that Professor Frink loves saying his last name.
Neither did he.
I’m on that hill with you.
Meghan Trainor defends her and husband Daryl Sabara’s side-by-side toilets
Maybe social media doesn’t need to exist.
But also, I’m searching for a picture. I need to know the divider and bidet situation.
Only thing that should be next to the toilet is a mini-fridge or possibly magazine rack.
You mean the fap rack?
https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=avb1XbO0EIs
Wow, that’s something.
Assuming 99.3% of the sales are in Germany.
The ladies’ room at Nuzbacks, a fun, incredibly trashy bar in Laurel, MD had two toilets with no divider or stalls of any sort in the ladies room. I have a vague memory of the lock not working well also. But yeah, sometimes when women go to the bathroom together it is for tactical support.
Well there goes the Hangover fears for UC.
I watched Black Widow, now that it’s been released on regular Disney+ (I’m not paying a premium for a movie I can see in the theater). It was fine. Better than I expected, but definitely not the best Marvel movie I’ve ever seen. I did learn that I’m quite fond of Florence Pugh, however.
That’s a nice top.
I’m sure she’d enjoy you being her bottom
My fondness just increased as well!
Tompa Bay’s Title Town label is temporarily suspended.
God dammit Rays. Why do you suck so much?
YOU HAD ONE JOB!!
Ha ha ha, imagine the idea of someone from the Tampa area having *one* job. They either have three, or they have zero.
Also, for early Bond, you might want to add the shameful category of women 007 slaps.
More lightheartedly, you could add times he blueballs Moneypenny
The music theme is music from Bond movies
Winner!
Pictured: Hunter Renfrow vetting a new client for his summer lawnmowing business.
NAWT Fayuh that Temple has to play on a Friday. Or maybe it’s more fair. Well it’s either one or the other, that much I know.
.
That was one of the dumber things about those movies.
Jar-Jar Binks was, of course, the single worst thing.
Jar-Jar is fun if you subscribe to the theory that he was actually a Sith Lord who was hamming it up to infiltrate the Jedis.
My favoUrite songs from the Bond artistes.
Duran Duran
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=M43wsiNBwmo
Shirley Bassey
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nfDAoSDsAS4
Chris Cornell
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vVXIK1xCRpY
Sheena Easton
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6JYhj946PGA
Wrong!
https://youtu.be/CqH7LlWwIww
If you review my original post I said “my” and not “yours”.
For a reason.
No Sugar Walls?
I actually listened to the whole song for the first time because of you two.
And I am astounded that such intelligent individuals with exquisite taste would actually like that song.
It’s not about “liking” the “song”
It’s that Sheena Easton using a metaphor wherein her vaginal walls are more sweet than umami and she would like your penis in there all night.
It’s exhausting being a music professor.
I chose not to be horny online.
a-ha
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=djV11Xbc914
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=a3ir9HC9vYg
Compelling argument. This is great as well.
I’m going to go ahead and say I was wrong with my initial selection and choose this one instead.
Thank you, SOS.
`My work here is done then.
(zips up pants)
(kidding, not wearing pants)
Ah, “DFO Style.”
I’ve been WFH since March 2020. Every single Zoom meeting I’ve taken from home has been in my underwear.
I interviewed for my current job via WebEx, in coat, tie, dress shirt, and hiking shorts.
Adele
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYEDA3JcQqw
TCM is showing a Nancy Sinatra special from 1967. Her boots are made for wanking, tbh.
She could get it in her day.
“Hey Sinatra. Lose the boots.” – time traveler Rex Ryan
“This little piggy went straight into my mouth. And stayed there.”
-R.R, time traveler