As I sit thinking up some drivel to write, it came to me that the FA Cup is like British footy’s NCAA Tournament. Commentators talk of the magic of the FA Cup – most recently evidenced by Wigan (under future Everton manager Roberto Martinez) winning the whole shebang – in a season where they were relegated from the Premier League (and to date, never to be seen again). That manifested itself in the curious spectacle of Wigan competing in the Europa League, while toiling in the Championship. FUN SHITE, I tells ya. Man City were their final round opponents, so it wasn’t like the path was easy.
There have been numerous others – managers have to rotate, at least a little – League form/finish is always, ALWAYS the priority – especially for sides with Champions League beckoning in February and beyond. That narrows the talent gap enough that you’ll see at least a few “minnows” take a scalp or two, both this round (the first with Prem sides included) and next. After that…usually lots of reversion to the mean. Like the Sweet Sixteen round in hoopsball.
Given how I like to chase odds, this is a GREAT weekend FOAR Hippo to lose moneys. And I will, that I assure y’all.
Here is the full list of ESPN+ coverage. A few matches that I find intersting:
Bristol City v. Fulham (7:25)
Mighty Whitey, no explanation needed! For some reason, I think there is also history/bad blood here. I dunno, I am high a lot.
Litre Cola : The relationship is weird. It seems we play them all the fucking time. We haven’t played in 3 weeks because other teams got the Rona so I expect rust.
Millwall v. Crystal Palace (7:40)
Everybody hates Millwall (seriously, the home support sings a song about it), and higher-division sides REALLY HATE travelling there for a Cup tie. Palace are ripe for an upset here.
Litre Cola : South London derby! They should hate each other way more seeing how old these two clubs are.
Wigan v. Blackburn (9:55)
Just because it’s Wigan – see above. Blackburn Rovers could strangle that storyline in the crib, though.
Port Vale v. Brentford (9:55)
Praise Beesus don’t have that much depth, and their loss here would cheer Litre up if the early match goes…all Fulham-ish.
LC : Fuck the Bees.
Newcastle v. Cambridge (9:55)
Come watch the House of Saud – who probably WANT to get out of this competition as quickly as possible – lose at home to a minnow.
LC: Changes are coming and I pray the Barcodes go down.
Hull v. Everton (12:20)
Because FUCK BENITEZ and the (very sore, given the weight of the load) horse he rode in on. Get the fuck out of my club, ye arrogant, dinosaur/Redshite cunt. Tony the Tiger pic is FOAR Hull, obvs.
LC: You know Hippo you should spend a season of fandom in the Championship. It’s exhilarating to win games.
Swansea v. Southampton (12:25)
I will surely bet on Swans, and just as surely be wrong. Hey, it’s what I do.
Talk about whatever y’all want. Remember, Scotchy takes us through an NFL “playing for pride” doubleheader later. Plus, there is always South Dakota State v. Montana State for the 1-AA shempionship (Noon, ESPNU) if you REALLY get bored.
AFRIKA!!
MERDE, I almost forgot – Most Glorious Afrikan Euros start tomorrow, host Cameroon against Burkina Faso (4p, BeIn) and Ethiopia v. Cape Verde (7p, BeIn). Here is the full teevee schedule, BeIn showing the whole enchilada in Canadia and Canadia’s pants. May all civil unrest be minimal and/or amusing, as opposed to Hotel Rwanda-ish!
Hippo encourages all commentists to adopt a side to follow in the Afrikan Euros, and to support maniacally. I’mma go with Burkina Faso. They call their country The Land of Honest Men! How fucking cool is THAT??
LC: I got Morocco. It’s how I have been to the Afrikan continent. I was supposed to be there 5 days, I stayed a month. They are 11 to 1 at my bookies and I will drop 20 bucks on em. Umm am I to assume that Cecil Rhodes will be backing Rhodesia? I would love a preview of the squadron.
Balls: I will take Côté D’ivoire because j’aime beaucoup parler et écrire en français. I also like their color green and the team is decent.
Don T: ¡Senegal, cabrones! The Teranga LioUns were eliminated from the Russia 2018 World Cup on a Fair Play tiebreaker: more yellow cards accumulated than Japan—who tied Senegal in points, goals, etc. Gimme a feckin break! (No shade thrown at Nippon; them cats took it to BEL in the knockouts.) Whatevs. Our lives could use more of coach Aliou Cissé
You’ve all inspired me to dust off my copy of Football Manager and see if Inigo Montoya can manage his way out of the third division of Spanish football. Otherwise, he could end up so drunk he couldn’t buy brandy, or worse, unemployed in Greenland.
As a true believer in the potential of British East Africa, I’m surprised that not a single member of the DFO Kommentariat has chosen to support Uganda in the AFCON. They are truly the most forward-thinking nation on the continent — while some African nations contemplate why their citizens don’t have enough food to survive, Ugandan intellectuals remain steadfast in their commitment to answering a different question. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=p–GfVXfNa0
That’s amazing.
/revision/latest/scale-to-width-down/250?cb=20181231235435
BREAKING: NOT THE WEBB TELESCOPE!
It’s fully deployed! Two weeks to go and it’ll be in position, and then another six months days of cooling/calibration, but everything is in place and it’s looking good.
I’m rolling with Algeria, myself. We have Mahrez and Said Benrahma from my beloved Hammers. Also a dude who plays in Ligue 1 for Nice, and another from Turkish super lig squaddoo Galatsaray. Go fighting’…..uh….ex-Frenchies?
With a name so close to “Algebra” their team name should have been the Quadratic Equations or something.
Love that show. I watch with English subtitles on as me French isn’t very good, so always wonder how many jokes I miss that way.
I watched it with French subtitles on so I could work on my French. I should do that again…
Wanted to share with Senor Weaselo and the rest of the Clubhouse – my oldest kid (the singer one) got into the Peabody School of Music (Johns Hopkins) for grad school. Think it’s a good fit, and she can take Amtrak to and from NC when she doesn’t want the driving stress.
Still has to formally audition in February, but the application/screening process was supposed to be the biggest hurdle. Huzzah!
Congrats!
Great job, Hippo spawn!!🤓
That dog had to have made a shit ton of money while travelling back and forth in time!
/she’s gonna kill it at Karaoke Night at the clubhouse!
Congratulations!
I’m younger than Ghana! I guess I’ll roooooooot for them. It’s all the tradition and history that get’s me.
They are your favoUrite, in this case let everyone know.
Huzzah! Another former British colony! I’ve always been fond of their national animal — the Ghana Rhea.
Bravo, good sir! I’m CLAPping!
Barcelona v Granada. Two of the most fun places in Espana.
I could retire in Granada, *it’s Rocking TM RD
3-0 early. That’s Rocking!
Chelsea got this.
Like a British footy NCAA tournament. That’s Rocking!
Gooooo Chelski!
Also pulisic is playing! That’s Rockingggg
Tony the Tiger is up 1-nil, so I will accept this state of affairs.
goddamnit Hull, you have ONE JERB
You’re playing a piece of furniture or some cigarettes-you’d better win!
Best smokes in Turkey. Fact.
somebody smoked a turkey?? – Andy R., Denver, CO (at present)
My rooting interest is pretty straightforward here:
/after reading Hippo’s summation
It’s like Twin Peaks, but with much less effoUrt
Who would European royalty support?
Every time I think the whole Antonio Brown “Mr. B.C.” thing is starting to get stale, someone comes in with a fresh one that just kills me.
https://www.reddit.com/r/nfl/comments/rypago/antonio_brown_im_an_american_hero/hrq9lj0/
LOL that’s great
Mrs Cola : Do you want to come with me to Deci’s Ninjymnastics?
Me: No, I want to watch futbol
Mrs. Cola : What if we went to Wild Rose Brewery behind the gym while he was in there?
Me: I will put on my best pair of track pants, it’s a date.
Long-form reading for the imaginary ppls:
https://theathletic.com/3040813/2022/01/08/why-afcon-matters/
If we wish to properly understand the importance of the Africa Cup of Nations, we should start by looking at a map of the world.
To be more specific, at a map of the world that uses the Gall-Peters projection, which scales land according to the true surface area of the planet.
Look at it. Africa is HUGE.
There is nothing, and never has been, anything “little” about a football tournament that involves nations from an area of the world as large, storied and diverse as Africa. Misguided (or “ironic”) jokes from Jurgen Klopp or not.
The continent covers 11.7 million square miles. That’s nearly three times the size of Europe. Africa is a space that can hold the landmasses of the United States, China and India combined, and still have room for more. Twenty per cent of the earth’s landmass is Africa.
Once you appreciate Africa’s size, then you must note the shapes within it.
There is a joke from comedian Ahir Shah in which the audience is asked to look at a map of Africa and compare its nation’s borders to those of the rest of the world. If an extra-terrestrial looked at a map of the world, they would surely ask why European and South American nations have borders that correspond neatly to mountain ranges or rivers, while the ones in Africa tend to involve more straight lines.
Africa’s colonial scars are plain to see, every single day, no matter how much former colonial powers would care to forget.
Africa is old but simultaneously young. Ghana became the first sub-Saharan African country to achieve independence on March 6, 1957. So in just under two months’ time, it will be 65 years of age.
After size and shape, let’s consider some numbers.
There are 54 countries in Africa today, according to the United Nations. The combined population of the continent was thought to be 1.3 billion people — roughly 16 per cent of the world’s population. It is estimated there are more than 2,000 distinct languages spoken on the continent, compared to the estimated 300 thought to be spoken in Europe.
Every international football tournament is its own rite of passage for every football fan. The world that existed for last summer’s European Championship was very different to the world that existed for its previous edition five years earlier.
You, the reader, will go into the 2022 World Cup in November with a different understanding of the game than the one you had while watching the previous iteration in 2018. Football changes and develops; its leading protagonists (and antagonists) age and retire, to be replaced with new ones.
Each tournament sees a time where the connection between football watcher and football player morphs and evolves. The connections that occur with the Africa Cup of Nations (AFCON) can be markedly different to the ones European football fans may have previously encountered.
“For young football fans, the first major tournaments are a crash-course in geography, and it is then when you become aware that, yes, a whole wide world exists out there,” says Salim Masoud Said, a writer on African football.
Burkina Faso fans at their side’s 1998 AFCON semi-final against Egypt (Photo: Eric Cabanis/AFP via Getty Images)
“AFCON is the first major football tournament I remember watching during my childhood in Tanzania. That makes it very personal. I recall Burkina Faso, hosts of the 1998 edition, receiving their third-place medals as one of my early football memories.
“That may not be significant to many, but it was significant to me because before that tournament I had never heard of the country.”
Football’s ability to open doors and tell stories from worlds unlike ours is well known, but there is still, unfortunately, a dismissal of the potential of AFCON from some in sections of the football community.
Earlier this month, former West Ham striker Sebastien Haller was asked if he would prefer to stay with his title-chasing Dutch club Ajax to start 2022 rather than go to Cameroon and compete in the tournament with Ivory Coast. His response was to the point. “This question shows the disrespect for Africa,” he said. “Would this question ever get asked to a European player ahead of the Euros? Of course I am going to the Africa Cup.”
Former England striker Ian Wright would go on to say media coverage of the tournament “is completely tinged with racism”, Senegal-born Crystal Palace manager Patrick Vieira has urged those in the football media to “go to Africa and interview people to really understand what it means for every single one of them”.
Didier Drogba at the group draw for this Africa Cup of Nations last August (Photo: Daniel Beloumou Olomo/AFP via Getty Images)
“When we moved to the UK as a family, the biennial AFCON editions were, for a few weeks, a wonderful way for my family and I to reconnect with the continent and our roots,” adds Said. “Those would be the times, more than any other, when stories of football in Africa from my father and other family members would drift down, and when, in a split second, my father would go from being wowed to lamenting the technical quality on show.”
Said’s final point is something often mentioned by critics of the tournament.
You may have heard the old refrains: AFCON is too disruptive to the European football calendar. It should move to a June/July cycle. AFCON should happen every four years, instead of two. The quality of pitches used in the competition is bad, as are the goalkeepers. African football is corrupt and money often goes missing.
So, for the doubters, here goes…
Yes, there are legitimate safety concerns over this tournament going ahead both during a global pandemic and while an undeclared civil war threatens the lives of many in its host nation.
Such safety fears can feel like a prerequisite before any AFCON commences.
Cameroon was meant to host the previous edition in 2019, but the Anglophone crisis that now threatens this one led to the nation being stripped of that honour, with Egypt stepping in.
Something similar occurred in 2017, when it was staged in Gabon rather than the original choice, Libya. Morocco was supposed to hold the 2015 tournament but the Ebola virus epidemic saw it moved to Equatorial Guinea at the last moment.
As mentioned above, Africa’s colonial scars are plain to see, but there are new wounds still making themselves known to the world.
AFCONs can, and have been, dangerous tournaments to attend and this aspect should not be underplayed. However, we should always try to place said fears within a wider context. If there are questions to be raised about the spread of COVID-19 in Cameroon this year, we should also ask questions about how accessible the vaccines are to African nations, for example.
AFCON is a distinct competition, often to the frustration of fans and football coaches based in Europe.
In its 65 years of competition (this will be the 33rd iteration), it has rarely made itself more malleable to Western viewers. The 2013 edition did, however, move to odd-numbered years to avoid clashing with the World Cup (whoops!) and in 2019 it was held in June and July rather than January and February, which led to many a player wilting in the Egyptian summer heat.
Mola, the AFCON 2021 mascot, on a trophy tour around host nation Cameroon’s capital Yaounde this week (Photo: Daniel Beloumou Olomo/AFP via Getty Images)
There have been 14 winners, with Egypt the most successful nation with seven titles (three of which were won consecutively between 2006 and 2010). Samuel Eto’o, who scored a tournament-record 18 goals for Cameroon across his six AFCONs recently told The Athletic that greater education and collaboration are required for African football to take the next step, rather than there being a lack of talent on the continent.
AFCON is different. It has to be. It is made to be.
You can hear it in the rendition of the national anthems before every game as players, coaches and fans belt out songs of national pride and freedom.
There’s always a story. You cannot cover an Africa Cup of Nations in the same way one might cover a World Cup or a European Championship. AFCON is the tournament of surprise winners, chaotic penalty shootouts and where a “golden generation” is no guarantee of success (just ask Didier Drogba and Ivory Coast).
Expected goals stats cannot quantify what Aristide Bance did in the previous decade.
Bance has one of the more eclectic ranges of clubs you will ever see on a footballer’s Wikipedia page, ranging from Cape Town to Kazakhstan via stops in Ukraine, Ivory Coast, Finland, Qatar, Latvia, Egypt, Germany and more, but for two shining AFCONs he was one of the most dangerous footballers ever to set foot on grass (or the other questionable materials that have covered AFCON pitches), with his goals taking Burkina Faso to the final in 2013 and the bronze medal four years later.
Aristide Bance celebrates Burkina Faso’s win over Tunisia in the 2017 quarter-finals (Photo: Olivier Ebanga/Anadolu Agency/Getty Images)
Due to the lack of infrastructure in African football, there is not the mass industrialisation of footballing talent at grassroots and academy levels that we now take as the norm in Europe.
Only a competition such as AFCON could lead to two separate investigations into players using witchcraft to gain an advantage.
If you want a uniquely AFCON story, Mali were once eliminated via the drawing of lots — and not in the dim and distant past but in 2015.
No other tournament can manifest performances as brilliant as Ndaye Mulamba’s 1974 AFCON, when he managed to score nine goals across six games, including a final that went to a replay, for Zaire (now DR Congo), prompting journalist and author Dipo Faloyin to remark, “I’m not sure Africa’s fragile internal politics could take a player doing something so outrageously provocative again.”
To properly understand AFCON is to know the story of Kalusha Bwalya, the only Zambian to win African Player of the Year in 1988, but who lost 18 of his international team-mates in a 1993 air crash in Gabon. Bwalya and Zambia would come up just short in the 1994 and 1996 editions of the tournament, only to finally triumph in 2012.
There is a photograph of Bwalya — by then the president of the Zambian FA — as he collects the trophy on behalf of the team who had just won it, and the team he lost years prior. Study his face and you will understand the power of his tournament.
“He deserved that moment, to stand on the house he rebuilt,” wrote Faloyin.
Kalusha Bwalya holds the trophy aloft after Zambia beat Ivory Coast on penalties in the 2012 AFCON final (Photo: Franck Fife/AFP via Getty Images)
This AFCON will, again, be different.
Twenty-four teams will compete, after AFCON upsized from 16 in 2019. Several former heavyweights are approaching the ends of their supposed “golden generations” while countries including Nigeria, Algeria, Egypt and Morocco appear to be entering their prime.
Thanks to FIFA rule changes in 2020 — introduced in part thanks to the work of the football federations in Algeria and Morocco — there are more first, second and third-generation immigrants playing for their mother nations. If he can recover from COVID-19, Paris-born Manchester United youngster Hannibal Mejbri could have a breakout tournament for Tunisia.
This month’s matches will not be like the football you typically see in Europe or South America. It has its own internal rhythms and playing styles, unique in time signature and tactics.
Every time an Africa Cup of Nations arrives, you will see sceptics and doubters try to underplay its importance to the wider footballing landscape.
But you cannot bury an AFCON tournament, for it is a seed of unbridled footballing joy.
Motherfucker, this is a post, not a comment!
DFO doesn’t have enough legal problems (side eyes Senor Dr. Chao) , let’s get the Athletic after us!
Meh, he gave them credit. Noone here is going to turn him into the Plagiarism Police. That would be against the code.
I didn’t even see the Athletic byline. I literally thought Hippo took a couple of pills and wrote this!
Pretty sure that would be blatant copyright infringement. But hey, you’re the law-talkin’ guy!
Copying and pasting copyrighted material is truly the most African form of journalism! I would not be surprised to discover that our colleague is actually a Nigerian prince instead of a King Hippo!
greetings, friend!
Headlines you never see: “Money Pit Gets Sued”. Why? Because the world is not THAT broken.
Cue Bart Scott. Honestly my work rate will fall due to the tournoi.
Sudden change!
Hippo haz sad.
oh well, there go me prop bets
As for AFCON cup teams I considered offering to split Zambia and Zimbabwe with my fellow King’s Africa Water Pistols supporter, the esteemed Lord Rhodes, but if I recall my history correctly he was never one for sharing, so instead I will fall back to my usual African team, Cameroon.
The only thing I know about the current iteration of the team is that they go by ‘The Indomitable Lions’ and frankly I don’t need to know any more that that.
the cool nicknames really make the Afrikan Euros
Despite their insistence on calling themselves “Zambia”, the squadron of Northern Rhodesia maintains its excellent nickname after all these years (Chipolopolo – the Copper Bullets).
Oh fuck, that’s awesome.
I have very happily learned sommet today. That is indeed the tits!
Good day, esteemed colleagues! Unfortunately, I do not have a side to support in this year’s AFCON, as it would appear that the organizers are determined to prevent a united Rhodesia from participating (I simply cannot believe that the tournament organizers allowed those two imposter nations, which some call “Zambia” and “Zimbabwe”, to participate instead!). I shall simply have to be content with rooting against South Africa — I’ll never forgive them for abandoning my vision!
Good sir, you are our only hope in reuniting lower and upper volta, zambia and zimbabwe, and get back diamonds that are rightfully ours.
“How did all of our diamonds get under their dirt?”
My dear fellow, I fancy the cut of your jib! Would you be interested in being my Minister of (Continental) Natural Resources? I have always tried to get into the bauxite market in Cameroon!
How can I say no, especially when I know I’ll never run out of copper bullets?
Seriously, though, I need some Zambian national soccer team swag now.
ESPN just described Derek Carr as the most polarizing Raider ever. I think. I still can’t believe I heard that right. Alzado? Matuszak? Tatum? That center that went AWOL right before a Super Bowl?
coughs in Bill Romanowski
If they mean “among fans of the team” that’s arguably accurate. Plenty of people on the Raiders boards *love* to pretend that there are dozens of more talented options just milling around outside the practice facility gates, like day laborers outside of a Home Depot.
“Hey buddy, need someone to throw a long out route? How about any spare change, got any of that?”
-Todd Marinovich, milling around outside of the practice facility gates.
It’s frustrating having a QB who is in that range of “15th-25th best in the league.” Like, sure, you really want to upgrade the position, but the are rarely free agent or trade options available, it’s not at all clear that even a high 1st round draft pick will get you someone better, and contrary to what some fans think, you almost never can upgrade by just promoting the backup or signing some dude off the street. But you really really can make yourself worse off by trying to.
Yup. It’s basically NFL purgatory.
Hell, what about Ken Stabler? That guy had more whiskey in his bloodstream than Mel Gibson did most of the time (it certainly showed in his INT totals!).
Can you imagine what Johnny Manziel would have been able to get up to in the NFL during the 70’s? He’d have been Fran Tarkenton but with 20% more methedrine.
True, but that’s why Raiders fans loved Ken Stabler.
Courage to throw “Fuck it” bombs at will, powerful enough to get Alabama Troopers to plant coke on a reporter.
You need men like that for your Pan African campaign,
Sir.
DJOKOVIC’S AGENT: [holding up paper] Novac’s exemption.
BORDER POLICE: [tears up paper] No vax exemption!
No A Series games today, but tomorrow we have Naples…
good Christ, those magnificent shoulders
She was a commentator on one of the networks during Naples games but I have not seen her lately. I know she was on there for two very good reasons.
“She’s got two shoulders!?!?”
-Hippo, King
verses Sampdoria…. who ya got?
I congratulate myself for being too lazy to bet Millwall or Spanish/Redtube talisman Mallorca.
Jon Moss has some massive knockers, yo.
This game is shit. It looks like we haven’t played in a month.
Looks like securing a homeland FOAR White children will have to wait until the 2nd half.
The team the swarthy Brazilian rolled out there would be lucky to beat a non league side the way they are playing
y’all signed former child actor Frankie Muniz? Would have broke the internet had his overhead bicycle kick landed.
Fulhamish incoming.
one gets that sense, inshallah
Hey, DonT – I dig Aliou Cissé so much that I put him on my Pretend staff (can’t recall if late-stage Pretend Everton or early Pretend Man City)
Leader of Men fo sho’
I mean, if he took over Very Disappointing Everton after the Afirkan Euros, I could die happy. Even if we went down.
Well obviously that guy Noah there gave it to him for help with the boat.
I mean, he was hoping to find the man in the boat with Mary Magdalene but his wish got granted in ironic/Arrested Development fashion
It’s not a cross, it’s a lower-case “𐡀” which stands for “𐡀𐡅𐡌𐡒” which translates to “juicy” in the original Aramaic.
I forgot about our Korean Aramaic translator in the clubhouse. Huzzah!
Oh, interesting, the characters I cut-and-pasted show up different here on my tablet. That first character should look more like an “X”.
Talk about being hoisted on your own petard.