So…how ’bout them…uh…playoffs? I love it when that team does the sport that they play…
Listen, the creative well (none too deep to begin with) has run dry. I tried to do a Larry King Dead column, but I am foiled by the deeply twisted nature of our current Reality. LKD depends on absurd non-sequiturs for its humor. But right now, the average “news” site front page looks like a goddamned mad-lib and I’m getting whiplash going from one story to the next. Senior House Republican Says Brown Babies Should Starve. WHAM. Elon Musk’s Mom is Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Cover Model. WHAM. More Evidence of Atrocities Against Women and Children in Ukraine. WHAM. Hawaii Communities Seek Answers to Infestation of Feral Chickens. WHAM. A Million Americans Died of COVID and Winter Will Be Bad. WHAM. Depp Testifies About Heard Abuse.
My point is that the world has outstripped my ability to be absurd.
Then I tried a CrimeBeat!. I saw that Earl Thomas was arrested at a bar on a felony warrant and thought “Hurray! Dude is a modern Ocho Cinco, always good for a weird one!” Thomas, you may recall, flipped off Pete Carroll after sustaining a season-ending injury and was held at gunpoint when his wife caught him and his brother in bed with another woman. But no. Turns out Thomas violated a restraining order by texting a woman threats against herself and her kids. There’s no comedy there. Same thing with Jerry Jeudy Garland, who locked his child’s medical records and formula in his car so that the child’s mother couldn’t leave. What the hell, man, don’t you know there’s a monopoly-induced artificial shortage?!?!?
I started one of my maudlin “hug your people” posts because an evil young fucker listened to evil older fuckers, went to my old hometown and shot a bunch of black people for being black people. But after Sandy Hook, no one is listening.
I write all day. I write some nights. When I’m not writing words I’m thinking about them. I am watching as my son discovers words in real time, about how powerful “Please” and “Thanks” and “Love” are as levers to effect other people. I have built my life around words.
But I have no words right now. I’m tired. My main occupation this afternoon has been trying to decide whether I have angst, ennui or weltschmerz and determining that whatever it is, I don’t care enough to find out. I have lost faith in discourse as a means to change people’s minds. And there’s nothing funny about that, so comedy seems pointless. Other than the bit about how Johnny Depp went from Keith Richards Impersonator to Late Stage Brando so gradually I didn’t even notice.
And yes, I am aware of the irony of writing 400 words about not being able to write any words. No, I hate Seinfeld. It’s Absurdism for Beginners. Keep walking.
NEWSISH THINGS:
-Former Bears running back Tarik Cohen, a fan favorite who was severely injured last year and then callously tossed aside by the New Regime, was again injured while Doing It For The ‘Gram. No, that’s not a reference to elder porn (maybe Ginny would have kept him around if it was that), but rather showing off for Instagram. Cohen was apparently live-streaming his workout in an effort to catch on with a new team when he fell to the floor clutching his leg. It’s not funny, I just can’t stop giggling at the elder porn joke.
-Arsenal is two-thirds of the way through the Shit The Bed, Roll Around In It, Then Eat It trifecta after losing to Tottenham last week then getting blown off the pitch by Newcastle United in what should have been a gimme. Thanks to their 2-0 loss (including an own-goal) on Monday, Arsenal needs for Tottenham to lose to an already-relegated side on Sunday AND to beat an Everton team fighting for their pride (and potentially to avoid relegation themselves). Recriminations are flying amongst the Gooners and their coach, and if there is a Just and Kindly God, Sunday will see Arsenal miss out on the lucrative Champions League AND St. Totteringham’s Day for a sixth consecutive year.
-If you didn’t understand any of the prior item, you’re probably better off.
WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:
Mostly a shitload of early-season baseball.
The NHL and NBA each have two series kicking off tonight. After a bunch of (allegedly) thrilling Game 7s the last several days, it seems like an anticlimax.
WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH:
Speaking of anti-climax, I’d be really disappointed if “Doin’ It For The Gram” isn’t an actual porn title. Balls, I defer to your expertise.
[…] it, I think. The exalted/exulted Rev covered it the other night, it’s hard not to be tired. But I guess my message, if I have one, is keep talking to each […]
Watching one of these reality/dudes-who-don’t-live-in-reality shows on History. “62 is a number that is blah blah blah. But what if that number is negative?” Um, what?
I had forgotten how painful bruised ribs are. Athletes on IR for this shit have my renewed respect. Running is OK, but I fear sneezing.
My house, after the dog took a face full of skunk tonight:
I’d read that the smell from getting sprayed is vastly different than the traditional skunk smell, and that it’s way, way, worse, and that is absolutely true. It smells so, so bad.
And of course, THIS SKUNK I CALL HIM STEPH CURRY CAUSE HE SHOT VERY ACCURATELY DESPITE AN OPPONENT BEING ALL UP IN HIS FACE.
My brother had an idiot black lab years ago. Skunk sprayed him, he killed it. That was horrible enough, but then he dragged the corpse out of the pond my brother threw it in. Repeatedly. Bloated dead skunk is unbelievably disgusting.
That’s not a skunk smell. Dog just found a weed stash.
God, I wish. I’d have no problems with my dog eating my stash; I’d just grow more.
.
Uhh…
We gave that dude a job, disciples, a cross, a crown, some nails, even his own personal cave! Ungrateful bastard!
We even made him king for a day!
Yes! Free hockey!
Almost as great as having a new free San Pedro harbor video from Brick!
https://vimeo.com/710066103
As someone who suffers from Irritable Bowel Syndrome, that Elmo GIF is triggering me slightly less than IBS does.
[addresses own bowels]
Thank you guys for being so agreeable. I should never take you for granted.
Watching Deadwood for the first time. Ellsworth just got murdered. I’m not ok.
Oh it gets so much worse for so many people.
Great show.
The elder porn joke was indeed pretty good
Here’s my new camera that nobody will like. It’s a Sony A7RIII. Actually it’s a picture of the Sony camera, taken with an iPhone, displayed on an Apple monitor, which was then photographed by the same Sony A7RIII. That’s crazy.
This camera has 42.1 MP sensor which is friggin’ huge, and that’s a Leica 50mm Summicron lens, which is sharp as hell. This rig is expensive. Everything Sony is expensive, plus I opted for the longer-lasting lithium-plutonium battery and the kevlar strap. Everything Leica is even more expensive; a tiny vial of Leica filter thread lubricant costs $100. And that Italian tripod is carbon fiber and cost about two grand. The lens cap is made from Space Shuttle carbon-carbon fiber, which is twice as good. This lens cap stops 99.9% more light than regular plastic lens caps.
All in all that’s about $75,000 worth of Axis Powers hardware, and that doesn’t even count the Gucci ostrich leather case lined with authentic Newfoundland baby seal fur, all non-magnetic of course.
Here’s the first picture I took with it:
That Potty Train Me Elmo thing has me mesmerized. I am high.
I remember watching that video with my nieces when they were being potty trained.
That shit is surreal.
We’re attempting training with Sharkette. Very limited success at this point.
There’s a guy’s hand coming out of the potty and going up Elmo’s ass.
That’s why he’s dancing! Elmo gets freaky. Sometimes he vibrates.
Cawthorn has conceded defeat. He’s young and motivated, I’m sure he’ll end up on his feet.
Your new bright star OAN!
I’m sure they have an anchor chair for him
Maybe he’s got a future in the NFL. I hear he’s really got some wheels.
I know Horatio is with me in rooting for the Ice Giants over the stolen Hartford Whalers.
Hahahahahah, ahhhh…
I’m listening to Doug Mastriano speak for the first time. I’ve never seen someone with the stage presence of an amateur stand-up comic become a gubernatorial candidate.
So you’re saying he puts the “goober” in gubernatorial?
Cook Political Report moved that race from Toss Up to Leans Dem because that idiot won.
There’s a new show called “The FBIs” which actually makes more sense grammatically as “The Federal Breast Inspectors” that anything to do with the Federal Bureau of Investigation.
Democratic PA Senate candidate had a stroke during the campaign? I’m sure that his Republican opponent will be very respectful. I’m also sure that I’ll lose 40 pounds on the Fast Food and Beer Diet.
Earned him that crucial Gary Kubiak endorsement, though.
I will say that the cities in this province that are not extreme redneck religious zealots are vibrating for the Battle of Alberta. It is a complete distraction from our dumpster fire Truck Convoy supportin Provincial government.
Anyone think the Jets have a shot at a wildcard berth this year? Next year?
Yes, and yes. All depends on quartered back.
He has the legs. Arm and brains remain to be seen. Great draft, tho.
CJ Uzomah will be a Zach Wilson’s security blanket. Instead of having to force the ball into tight coverage, Uzomah will be there for an easy dump off or a first down.
Also, if they are close to the playoffs, he can will a team across the finish line. Joe Burrow was the face of the 2021 Bengals; CJ Uzomah was the heart.
.
Found a funny
https://mobile.twitter.com/Redistrict/status/1526741238803836928
.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LEC_lkpD3rM
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TyBzqhz6n_M
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3oesSyvh76g
You hate to see it.
Sounds like the outstanding vote is from Sen. Edwards’ political base. So I might not have to hide from venegeful (and rightly so) R-T-D after all.
Woozle Wuzzle!
Will he even bother to vote now, or will Adolf…sit this one out?
FITBAW, trickling ever closer:
The first full Saturday of the 2022 college football season will feature a marquee doubleheader. ESPN/ABC announced Tuesday that the Sept. 3 Georgia-Oregon matchup in Atlanta will kick off at 3:30 p.m. ET on ABC, followed by Notre Dame at Ohio State in the primetime 7:30 p.m. window.
The defending national champion Dawgs will face their own former defensive coordinator, Dan Lanning, in his first game as Oregon’s head coach, while Marcus Freeman’s first regular-season game as Notre Dame’s head coach comes against his alma mater in Ohio State.
ESPN’s GameDay morning show will be live from Columbus, Ohio that day.
The network also announced ABC will air Florida State vs. LSU in New Orleans on Sunday night Sept. 4 at 7:30 p.m. as well as the Sept. 24 Wisconsin at Ohio State game, Texas vs. Oklahoma on Oct. 8 and Florida at Florida State on Friday Nov. 25.
The networks usually announce their full early-season schedules the last week of May, but a few announcements have begun trickling out. Fox revealed a day earlier it will air the Sept. 10 Alabama at Texas game. No time was announced, but it’s presumed Fox will air that game at Noon ET as part of its Big Noon Kickoff series.
Here are the indigenoUs guernseys. Love them.
https://www.foxsports.com.au/afl/every-clubs-indigenous-guernsey-for-sir-doug-nicholls-round-revealed/news-story/5e81e705d7bffb9a956ae30a066b1866
There are some beauties this year. Somehow GWS always comes up with good designs.
It’s about time Sydney did something else other than the Black Swan.
Mrs. Cola likes the Saints, I think it looks like that bird attacked the human wearing it. Freo is always strong.
Probably because Bobby Hill is a talented man
Connor Lamb will now lie and say he just loooooves him
Can’t beat the Fetterman
Decilitre saw the Elmo up top and can’t stop laughing.
My work here is done then
This is what I do in my day job, which also involves sitting in my home studio taking naps and occasionally smoking hash. I’m billing OT while I’m typing this. By night (and sometimes early morning) I shoot time-lapse footage of freeways and harbors that nobody likes. Time for another hit of hash.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D7e-EYqvTq0
By night (and sometimes early morning) I shoot time-lapse footage of freeways and harbors that maybe only Balls likes.
FTFY
OH I like it, I think the man never sleeps, and eats amazing diner food.
You can replace Seamus in my fan club. Fill out the application, and you’ll get your card after we receive your initiation fee and first year’s dues plus the first six payments of the monthly maintenance plan (you’ll be billed quarterly thereafter, in advance). Blazer, hat, polo shirt, necktie, and songbook are additional charges.
And you get a discount for ball waxing in West Hollywood! Tell em Brick sent you and you get 15% off!
Worked for BFC!
Plus cheap drinks at the Hollywood American Legion Post (Culver City too).
I will take my top hat off upon entry. (Is that a thing there like the Legion here and RSL in Oz?)
Fuck no. Just wear shoes.
You and Seamus are my only fans. 50% of my fan club is dead.
Please Balls, stay safe.
Speaking of, I was reminded today that tomorrow is the two year anniversary of his passing. Seems really weird….
Tomorrow is Seamus Wednesday!
I tolerate those videos. There are worse things around.
Like your race track videos.
* BOOSH*
NY teams have a subway series, LA teams have a highway series, Chicago teams have a… something series, but what do Florida teams (Tampa and Florida(Miami)) have? Fan boat series?
Swampass Series?
I say Gary Bettman’s Wet Dream Series but…
Alberta has a Redneck series.
Golf cart series?
The Drug-Smuggling Boat Series
I’m not sure I like all the Arsenal abuse up there, but I certainly can’t call it slander because none of it is a bit false.
Andy Reid first read that as “Depp Testifies About Herd Abuse” and was filled with dread about how this was going to affect brisket prices.
Not in the barn yet, but it looks like Adolf Sitler will lose in the GOP primary. To someone NOT trying to out-insane him.
Minor bit of faith in humanity restored? So far, the normals are winning local Dem races, too.
You’re gonna need to be WAY more specific.
NC-11 (R): State senator Chuck Edwards has now moved into a lead over freshman Rep. Madison Cawthorn. With about 37,000 votes tallied (probably about 1/3 of the vote), Edwards has a 38-27 lead over Cawthorn, largely fueled by Cawthorn getting annihilated (less than 20 percent!) in populous Buncombe County.
Woo!!! Lowest Common Denominator!!!
Like that’s ever stopped him from drunk driving his truck into a tree on the way to his dealer’s house before.
It’s way too early and I’m going to blame you personally if it has been jinxed.
Agreed. I’m see Oz is down early, but you don’t see me doing the Ickey Shuffle.
Wasserman called the Dem side for Fetterman. I’m excited because I think he’ll be able to capture the big fat loudmouth demographic far better than Lamb or either of the R candidates will be able to do.
I think Fetterman is also more likely to kill and eat some of the older, sicker Senators, thereby making the rest of the herd healthier and better able to function as a whole.
The Ohio Dem is sort of the same, minus the fat.
I think they’ve wised up and are going for being relatable, i.e. Obama, Bush 43, B. Clinton, and Reagan.
Authenticity is very, very important. Voters elect people, not policy papers.
Yeah, he is well to my left – but he seems to be a good personality fit for PA. So I am happy he won.
Hey, if I can vote for people significantly left of me, you can vote for someone adjacently left!!!
This is absolutely a fair comment. I will blame me too.
There’s no way that Cawthorne will take that sitting do…
Ope, never mind.
WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH-
It would appear that Tabula Raza may not be with us anymore so I’d suggest Repo Man-he loved it, as did I.
We tried and reached out to him numeroUs times and he did not respond. I do believe he has passed.
I didn’t want to say it first, but that’s my guess too.
Do we have a way to try to confirm that? Some sort of registration with real names, or an address of some sort.
I’d like to know one way or the other, and also that guy owes me $5,
I remember him telling me his name is Brian Siegfried. He worked for the defense department, the Air Force I think? As a civilian contractor. Lives (lived?)somewhere near San Antonio.
“Doin’ It For The Gram” isn’t but “Doin’ It To The Gran” is.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_P2gW7uRpGA
This kid’s rendition of the Star Spangled Banner put Bleeding Gums Murphy to sleep.
https://www.cbssports.com/nfl/news/bengals-jessie-bates-has-no-intention-of-signing-franchise-tag-per-report/
There’s the Bengals I know and love.