Rum, Simile and the Lash: Writers’ Block Edition (and Tuesday Open Thread)

So…how ’bout them…uh…playoffs? I love it when that team does the sport that they play…

Listen, the creative well (none too deep to begin with) has run dry.  I tried to do a Larry King Dead column, but I am foiled by the deeply twisted nature of our current Reality.  LKD depends on absurd non-sequiturs for its humor.  But right now, the average “news” site front page looks like a goddamned mad-lib and I’m getting whiplash going from one story to the next.  Senior House Republican Says Brown Babies Should Starve.  WHAM. Elon Musk’s Mom is Sports Illustrated’s Swimsuit Cover Model. WHAM. More Evidence of Atrocities Against Women and Children in Ukraine. WHAM. Hawaii Communities Seek Answers to Infestation of Feral Chickens. WHAM. A Million Americans Died of COVID and Winter Will Be Bad. WHAM. Depp Testifies About Heard Abuse.

My point is that the world has outstripped my ability to be absurd.

Then I tried a CrimeBeat!.  I saw that Earl Thomas was arrested at a bar on a felony warrant and thought “Hurray! Dude is a modern Ocho Cinco, always good for a weird one!”  Thomas, you may recall, flipped off Pete Carroll after sustaining a season-ending injury and was held at gunpoint when his wife caught him and his brother in bed with another woman.  But no. Turns out Thomas violated a restraining order by texting a woman threats against herself and her kids.  There’s no comedy there.  Same thing with Jerry Jeudy Garland, who locked his child’s medical records and formula in his car so that the child’s mother couldn’t leave. What the hell, man, don’t you know there’s a monopoly-induced artificial shortage?!?!?

I started one of my maudlin “hug your people” posts because an evil young fucker listened to evil older fuckers, went to my old hometown and shot a bunch of black people for being black people.  But after Sandy Hook, no one is listening.

I write all day.  I write some nights.  When I’m not writing words I’m thinking about them. I am watching as my son discovers words in real time, about how powerful “Please” and “Thanks” and “Love” are as levers to effect other people. I have built my life around words.

But I have no words right now. I’m tired. My main occupation this afternoon has been trying to decide whether I have angst, ennui or weltschmerz and determining that whatever it is, I don’t care enough to find out.  I have lost faith in discourse as a means to change people’s minds. And there’s nothing funny about that, so comedy seems pointless. Other than the bit about how Johnny Depp went from Keith Richards Impersonator to Late Stage Brando so gradually I didn’t even notice.

And yes, I am aware of the irony of writing 400 words about not being able to write any words. No, I hate Seinfeld. It’s Absurdism for Beginners. Keep walking.

NEWSISH THINGS:

-Former Bears running back Tarik Cohen, a fan favorite who was severely injured last year and then callously tossed aside by the New Regime, was again injured while Doing It For The ‘Gram.   No, that’s not a reference to elder porn (maybe Ginny would have kept him around if it was that), but rather showing off for Instagram.  Cohen was apparently live-streaming his workout in an effort to catch on with a new team when he fell to the floor clutching his leg.  It’s not funny, I just can’t stop giggling at the elder porn joke.

-Arsenal is two-thirds of the way through the Shit The Bed, Roll Around In It, Then Eat It trifecta after losing to Tottenham last week then getting blown off the pitch by Newcastle United in what should have been a gimme.  Thanks to their 2-0 loss (including an own-goal) on Monday, Arsenal needs for Tottenham to lose to an already-relegated side on Sunday AND to beat an Everton team fighting for their pride (and potentially to avoid relegation themselves).  Recriminations are flying amongst the Gooners and their coach, and if there is a Just and Kindly God, Sunday will see Arsenal miss out on the lucrative Champions League AND St. Totteringham’s Day for a sixth consecutive year.

-If you didn’t understand any of the prior item, you’re probably better off.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT:

Mostly a shitload of early-season baseball.

The NHL and NBA each have two series kicking off tonight.  After a bunch of (allegedly) thrilling Game 7s the last several days, it seems like an anticlimax.

WHAT MOVIE TO WATCH:

Speaking of anti-climax, I’d be really disappointed if “Doin’ It For The Gram” isn’t an actual porn title.  Balls, I defer to your expertise.