Did you guys see the ESPYs last night? I mean, how wild was it when Dick Vitale kicked Steph Curry in the crotch for his Jim Valvano joke? And the dress (if you can call that scrap of cloth a “dress”) that Billie Jean King was wearing??? More like “Battle of the Sexys”! FEISTY!!!

Sorry. I hate award shows. Not even the esteemed MakeitSnow’s Oscar previews can make me care. If I wanted to watch an industry bend over to fellate itself, I’m given to understand there are specialized theaters in Tijuana.*

*Late Note: Someone brought up Balls’ AVN Awards posts. Porn is not my thing, but I appreciate the concept that the Members of the Academy (or whatever) have to judge three separate anal-sex-related categories.

On the upside…uh… we have 364 more days until we have to deal with the ESPYs again!

NFL NEWS!: Holy crapknockers, we actually have some!

*Kyler Murray got paaaaaaid.  After an off-season of high-school-dating-style drama, complete with social media deletions, overly-dramatic and somewhat nonsensical rambling declarations, and feigned disinterest, Murray and the Arizona Cardinals have agreed on a five year, $230.5 million extension, which on top of his current deal will take him through 2028. The deal allegedly has $160 million in guaranteed money and puts him second on the QB Annual Average Salary list at $46.1 million.

Now, as always in the NFL, these numbers don’t really mean shit until we see the contract and its details. How much of that guaranteed money is fully guaranteed versus injury guaranteed. How much of that salary is backloaded or put into “voidable years”? Is there a no-trade clause or opt-out?

These qualifications and reservations mean somewhat less than they would with a non-quarterback. In a world where Shitbag Watson got $230 million full guaranteed and Kirk Fucking Cousins was able to get full guarantees, I’m sure there are relatively few Dirty Tricks that Murray and his agent were willing to accept.

On the other hand, Murray has been more about Show and less about Go in his three years in the league thusfar, so maybe he was willing to go for a splashy number without full substance behind it.  He has brilliant stretches, and long periods of such mundane performance that you wonder if someone switched him out for Folger’s Crystals.

So who is the real Kyler Murray? Is he the second coming of Mahomes like he looked through the first part of last year, or is he the average Guy he was through the second half?  $230 million question.Every time he plays, I see echoes of Cam Newton. Through their first three years, their numbers are very similar- Murray throws a bit more with a little better accuracy, Newton rushed more and didn’t fumble. Newton also had a similar “Is he an MVP or is he a bust?” dichotomy, with stretches of Superman and prolonged slumps.  Now, if he has the same overall career through his first eight seasons that Cam did (including an MVP and a Super Bowl appearance), the Cardinals are probably happy with their commitment. But can a 5’10” Smurf like Murray maintain his skillset (which is highly dependent on both his rushing and his ability to scramble when in trouble) for that long?

*Depending on who you ask, the Murray news makes Lamar Jackson either the happiest or angriest man in the NFL.  Coming into training camp on his fifth-year option, Lamar! has been fishing for an extension like his draftmate Josh Allen, but Baltimore has been remarkably quiet. And not without reason- Lamar! is the most frustratingly inconsistent QB in the game today. Sometimes he reminds you why he was a unanimous MVP, and sometimes he reminds you that he earned that with such a simplified offense that the next year defenders were routinely calling out plays before the snap.

The NFL quarterback contract market has recently been categorized as “who’s next in line?” when a new huge contract is signed– the assumption being that each one resets the market for the next serviceable guy’s negotiation.  Hell, Derek Carr got a contract extension averaging $40 million per season* despite being Derek Goddamned Carr.

*It’s actually very team-friendly, with an out after this year for a mere $5 million dead cap hit. But still: Derek Fucking Carr.

So Jackson’s agent points at Murray’s deal and goes “How many MVP Awards does he have? Why the hell don’t we have an extension?”

The question is whether Baltimore points at Jackson’s production the last two years and goes “We pay for the future, not the past, and Lamar looks like he may have hit his ceiling.” With the franchise tag, they can keep him against his will for the next two years before things become absurdly expensive. With questions of which Lamar they are going to get going forward (and a likely spike in the salary cap when the new TV deal kicks in in 2023) it may be worth it to Baltimore to slow-play this. We’ll see!

*The Browns are working out Josh Rosen and AJ McCarron.  The intent is for one of them to back up Jacoby Brissett in the likely event Shithead Watson is suspended for all or part of the 2022 season. The Browns deserve everything bad that happens to them.

WHAT’S ON TONIGHT: CFL Football, Bitches!

Montreal (1-4) vs. Ottawa (0-5), 7:00 PM Eastern, 6:00 PM DFO Daylight Time (TSN, ESPN+):

Hamilton (1-4) vs. BC (3-1), 10:00 PM Eastern, 9:00 PM DFO Daylight Time (TSN, ESPN+):

So I understand where the “Tiger-Cats” thing comes from, but after 72 years: pick a lane. You’re a disgrace to the name of Tim Hortons Field.

MISCELLANEOUS LIST: BEST PORTRAYALS OF THE DEVIL IN MOVIES AND TELEVISION

Please note: Allegorical parallel is not sufficient.  The character must be specifically identified as The (or A) Devil in order to qualify.

-Ray Wise in Reaper

-That dude from Lucifer, but only in the first season.

-Al Pacino in The Devil’s Advocate

-Peter Stormare in Constantine

-Dan Catellaneta as the Robot Devil in Futurama

-Elizabeth Hurley in Bedazzled

-George Burns in Oh God, You Devil!